Nothing but Trouble
by Mister Cynical
Summary: The Chunin Exams have come back to Konoha and the Hokage has decided to recall all her ninjas, including one Naruto Uzumaki. Too bad she doesn't know that she'd probably be better off without him.
1. Chapter 1

I don't own anything.

Nothing but Trouble

-Chapter One

Naruto Uzumaki awoke with a groan. He felt like shit. "What the hell did I do last night?" Something under the covers of his bed shifted and moaned. Naruto pulled up his light blanket and stared at the redheaded woman clutching him around the middle. "Oh, right. Where's the other one?" The door slid open and Naruto glanced up, fully expecting to see his other temporary bedmate. What he saw did not inspire any feeling except pure, unadulterated fear. "Rumiko?"

"Morning," the woman stated, looking every bit the prim and proper young lady in a blue yukata and stylish glasses. "It's ten. Get your ass out of bed."

"Did we sleep together last night?"

"Don't be stupid," Rumiko replied. "If you're looking for your cuddle buddy, I just ran into her walking out the front door. . ." the woman trailed off as she noticed the other woman in Naruto's bed. "Huh. Two?"

"Looks that way," Naruto replied as he tried to extricate himself from the other woman.

"Who are they?"

"I don't know. Cute though."

"I'm amazed you don't have every STD known to mankind by now," Rumiko commented as she opened Naruto's curtains and filled the dark room with blinding light.

"Bright!" Naruto whimpered as he attempted to take cover under his. . .covers.

"Don't make me drag you out again," Rumiko ordered. Naruto grumbled and finally pulled himself away from his bedmate. He climbed to his feet and stumbled to his window. Outside the sun shown down happily on the Village Hidden in the Springs and a passed out drunk in the street moaned.

"Hey, Yasu! You're in the road!"

"Thank you Captain Obvious!" the drunk yelled back.

"Are you on another bender?" Naruto asked.

"What was your first clue?"

"Smart ass." A gentle breeze blew and Naruto stretched, enjoying the feeling of wind against certain dangly bits. Rumiko turned and her jaw dropped.

"Put some pants on you God damned exhibitionist!"

"Oh, right." Naruto glanced around for his pants and frowned as he spotted them hanging from the ceiling fan. "Huh. How did that happen?"

"I never bother asking," Rumiko replied, "for my own sanity." Naruto ignored her and tried to grab his pants, but they were just out of reach. "Considering you have a meeting with the Daimyo today, maybe you should put on a new pair," Rumiko suggested.

"Yukie's back?" Naruto asked.

"Your Daimyo is set to return later this afternoon," Rumiko gritted. "I told you yesterday."

"Was I paying attention?" Naruto asked.

"Obviously not," Rumiko replied as she pinched the bridge of her nose. Naruto dug a pair of pants out of his dresser. "Not orange."

"Why not?" Naruto whined.

"No." Rumiko shoved him aside and dug through his drawer. She pulled out a pair of tan pants. "Here." Naruto grumbled and pulled on his pants. Rumiko also pulled out a light blue T-shirt and an orange silk button down. "Since you don't have anything nice that isn't orange, I guess I'll have to humor you."

"Thanks." Naruto was almost touched, but he knew better than to show it. A quiet sigh drew Naruto's attention and he noticed another bulge under his blanket. He pulled the cloth back further and stared at the second woman wrapped around the first's legs.

"Three," Rumiko noted. "Not bad, but you've done better."

"Heh." Naruto Uzumaki, leader of the Land of Spring's hidden village, grinned bashfully and scratched the back of his head sheepishly. Today was looking to be a good day.

(:ii:)

Naruto stepped into his office and stared at his desk in horror. "What the hell?"

"Well," Rumiko began, "several foreigners are requesting business licenses, the orphanage is requesting additional funds for a day trip, the academy is requesting funds for a training trip, there are several job proposals, the kunoichi league is up to something and the rest is the paperwork you've been dodging all week."

"Oh." Naruto shuffled between two stacks of papers and tried to open the window behind his desk, but it wouldn't give. He collapsed into his seat with annoyed grunt. "Why's my window locked?"

"Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me," Rumiko responded. "I will not be fooled again." From behind the stacks of papers Naruto heard the lock on his door slide into place. He stood up quickly, but still couldn't quite peer over the reams of paper on his desk, so he stood on his chair. Rumiko was nowhere in sight.

"Heh. Prepare to be fooled again." He quickly began to form the seals for one of the few Fire Style jutsu he knew. This one was affectionately known as the Paperwork No More jutsu. A hand connecting sharply with Naruto's wrist shattered his concentration. "Ow!"

"Nice try," Rumiko stated.

"That wasn't what it looked like," Naruto stated quickly, shrinking back into his plush, leather swivel chair. Calm Rumiko was much more dangerous and scary then Pissed Rumiko.

"You set your paperwork on fire again and I will kill you," his aide warned. "Then I will raise you from the dead and make you fill out the duplicates." Naruto pouted and absently began folding a very official looking piece of paper into a paper football while spinning in his chair. "This also came for you today." Naruto skidded to a halt and stared at the sealed envelope marked urgent. "It's from the Kage of the Land of Fire."

"A letter from Granny?" Naruto took the envelope and began opening it.

"Oh, and I thought you would get a kick out of this," Rumiko continued. "The Land of Earth has asked us to assassinate the Fire Daimyo's wife's cat." Naruto's fingers froze.

"How much are they offering?" Rumiko stared at him.

"You're kidding, right?"

"You have no idea the pain that fur ball put me through!" Naruto roared, flailing his arms and accidentally knocking a bottle of ink onto his letter. In his excitement, he didn't even notice. "Now, how much are they offering?"

"Uh, it's actually not a bad offer, considering it's for a cat," Rumiko stated.

"Excellent! Assign the job to Yasu."

"Okay, hold the phone!" Rumiko ordered. "Knowing you the way I do, I should have known you'd take a hit on a cat, but we are not assigning Mister Explosion to do it."

"If it's worth doing, it's worth over doing!" Naruto countered. "Yui!" Naruto heard the doorknob jiggle. "Is it still locked?"

"Yes," Rumiko stated. She sighed as they heard the door explode off its hinges. "Why did you hire her as your personal assistant?"

"If I piss her off, she sometimes accidentally destroys the paper work," Naruto replied.

"I should have expected that," Rumiko commented blankly.

"Boss?" Yui asked. Naruto stood on his chair again. "Oh, there you are. Now, what the fuck do you want?"

"Go drag Yasu out of whatever bar he's in and tell him to come here," Naruto ordered. "I have a job for him." Yui's eye ticked rather violently.

"Is he going to like it?" she asked.

"Probably," Rumiko grumbled under her breath.

"I doubt it," Naruto corrected. Yui brightened quickly.

"Right away." She turned on her heel and ran back out.

"What's with that?" Naruto asked as he sat back down.

"Yui and Yasu got drunk and ended up in bed together," Rumiko stated. "Apparently, the fight they had afterwards was rather epic."

"I see." Naruto turned back to the piles on his desk. Something was bothering him, but he couldn't quite put his finger on it until, "Wait. Aren't they siblings?"

"Twins." Naruto considered that for a moment.

"Kinky," he stated finally. "So, where were we?"

"The letter from the Hokage."

"Oh yeah." Naruto glanced down at the letter still clenched in his hand and cursed as he saw its illegible state. "Oops."

"What did you do?" Naruto's shoulders hunched defensively at her tone.

"Uh, well, I kind of ruined it," he stated. "Don't worry though, it probably wasn't important." His attempt at appeasement was a spectacular failure that he paid for with a rather painful lump on his head. "Ow!"

"Damn it," Rumiko groused, pinching the bridge of her nose. "You know what? Fuck it! It probably wasn't important. After all, it was only a letter marked urgent from the Kage of the most powerful country in the world!" Naruto's eyes darted around, trying to spot a possible trap.

"Uh. . .yeah?"

"You idiot!" Naruto was saved as Yasu strolled in.

"Hey Boss. I heard you had a job. . ." The shinobi trailed off as he took in the scene of Rumiko on her knees atop Naruto's desk with her hands around his throat and papers scattered everywhere. "Do you want me to come back?"

"I don't know what you think you're implying," Rumiko snapped as she quickly climbed off the desk and straightened her yukata.

"Right," Yasu drawled. "So, what's this job?"

"How do you like cats?" Naruto asked. One of Yasu's eyebrows rose.

"I hate the furry little pricks."

"Excellent," Naruto hissed as he steepled his hands upon his desk and began cackling. "Karma's coming for you fuzzy!"

"So, what do you want to do about the letter?" Rumiko interrupted loudly. Naruto's laughter trailed off rather abruptly and he pondered that for a moment.

"Same thing I do every time something important is put before me."

"Procrastinate until it bites you in the ass?" Rumiko asked.

"Procrastinate?" Naruto repeated, sounding vaguely scandalized. "I do not procrastinate until something bites me in the ass! I much prefer to drink while I'm waiting." That stated he promptly pulled out a small bottle.

"Where did you get that?" Rumiko demanded.

"My stash," Naruto stated.

"I found your stashes," Rumiko stated flatly.

"I thought a few of my decoy bottles were missing," Naruto thought aloud as he pulled out the stopper and shot back quite a bit.

"A few?" Rumiko shrieked. "I found nearly twenty bottles!" Naruto just pressed the bottle into her hands and pulled out another. She stared at him for a moment before taking a long drink. "Namazake?"

"Yep."

"You have a refrigerator hidden around here?"

"Yep."

"I'll be going now," Yasu stated as he slinked out the door. This had all the earmarks of another window-shattering screaming match. Instead of yelling, Rumiko sat on the edge of Naruto's desk and sipped her bottle.

"It's good."

"Yep."

(:Several Weeks Later:)

"Now this is traveling!" Sakura had to laugh as she watched one of her genins happily lean back in her seat with an exaggerated sigh of pleasure. "How come we don't have these things in Konoha?"

"Actually," Sakura began, "the Land of Fire is examining the impact of railways right now."

"I thought these things were called trains," Haruka stated.

"The vehicle is a train," Sakura explained. "The system of tracks they travel on is called a railway."

"It'd be nice to have," Satomi commented. The third member of Sakura's team just kept on snoring.

"Pig," Haruka grumbled, elbowing her twin sister.

"Leave Kaori alone," Sakura ordered. Even when one of them was asleep, they kept bothering each other. 'Last time I agree to work with sisters,' Sakura decided as she looked out the window and watched the lush, green Land of Spring whip by.

"Sensei?"

"Yes?" Sakura asked, turning back to her team and noticing that Kaori had woken up.

"Who's this guy the Hokage sent us after?" Kaori asked. "He's a ninja, right?"

"That's right," Sakura answered. "Actually, he was on my genin team."

"So, he's old?" Kaori asked.

"What was that?" Sakura snapped, raising one fist threateningly.

"Nothing!" Kaori squeaked, shrinking back quickly. Sakura glared at her for a moment longer before lowering her fist.

"Anyway," Sakura began again, "Naruto was on my genin team with. . ."

"Why's he all the way out here in the Land of Spring?" Kaori interrupted.

"He's on hermit status," Sakura answered. "That means he can go anywhere he wants in the world. He's out here studying under a seal master. . ."

"Why?" Kaori asked.

"Stop interrupting," Haruka growled.

"I'm just asking," Kaori protested.

"I don't know why," Sakura said loudly, heading off this argument before it could begin.

"But he was on your team," Kaori protested. "Shouldn't you. . ."

"I don't know why," Sakura repeated slowly. Kaori must have felt the killer intent starting to drift off her sensei because the big mouthed girl quickly sunk into her seat without another word. Sakura stared out the window and spaced out.

It had been years since her teammate had walked out on her without a word of explanation. Now, she was finally going to get some answers.

"It's. . .it's really pretty here," Kaori stated, apparently trying to break the heavy silence that had fallen over them.

"Just because no one else is talking doesn't mean you have to," Haruka sniped. Sakura just tuned them out. She could feel the train slowing. Hopefully, once they were out in the open the two would hold off on their bickering.

There wasn't a chance of course, but Sakura could hope.

(:ii:)

"Did not."

"Did to."

"Did not."

"Did to."

"One more word and they'll never find the bodies," Sakura growled. Kaori and Haruka fell utterly silent. 'Never again,' the pink haired kunoichi vowed for the umpteenth times. For a full ten minutes they continued their walk in blessed silence.

"Whoa!" Nothing good could last forever. Sakura spun and saw the quietest member of her group gawking in wonder. She followed the girl's line of sight and found herself staring at the massive, rainbow monoliths that had long ago turned the Land of Snow into the Land of Spring. They towered far above even the trees of the forest Sakura and her team were walking through.

"What are those?" Kaori demanded.

"Those are the reason why it's so nice here," Sakura stated. "This whole country used to be covered in snow, but the Daimyo's father built those things to turn the country into the Land of Spring."

"Cool," Kaori and Haruka stated in unison. That of course led to a new round of bickering. Sakura sighed in annoyance and quickly led them further down the path they were on. They moved out of the forest and the pink-haired woman smiled as she spotted the walled village near the base of the monoliths.

"And that is the Village Hidden in the Springs."

"Gee, how original," Haruka commented. Sakura agreed, but kept it to herself. She didn't know how, but she was sure agreeing with one of the twins would lead to an argument.

"My mom told me that this was a bad place," Satomi commented. "She said that it was full of missing nin."

"It is," Sakura stated. She was rather surprised by how nice the village looked herself. "The Land of Rock tried to invade the country to take the generators, but the Land of Spring recruited all the missing nin they could. After the war they stayed on as ninja of the Land of Spring."

"So, how come the Hokage sent us?" Kaori asked. "Wouldn't a letter have been quicker?"

"The Hokage did send a letter," Sakura answered. "She never got a reply." The pink haired jonin led the way from the tree line towards where a pair of men were arguing by the gate. "Excuse me."

"Yeah?" the taller grunted, holding up a finger to indicate for his partner to wait a moment.

"I'm looking for Naruto Uzumaki," Sakura stated. "Can you tell me where he is?" The man glanced back at his partner.

"Do you think he escaped yet?" the taller asked.

"What time is it?"

"Two."

"Definitely," the shorter replied. They both turned back to Sakura.

"A bar," they stated in unison.

"A bar?" Sakura repeated. "It's two in the afternoon."

"A bar," the taller confirmed.

"Which bar?" Sakura asked.

"One of them," the shorter replied. They promptly went back to arguing.

"Don't you want to see my I.D.?" Sakura interrupted again.

"Meh," the shorter grunted. "Cause any trouble and you'll end up like those three." Sakura glanced in the direction the man was pointing and nearly gagged. Beside the gate were three heads planted on pikes. The heads were still moving.

"Are they alive?" she asked.

"Nah," the taller man stated. "It's some kind of genjustsu. At least, that's what I tell myself to keep from being horrified to the brink of insanity."

"Yeah," the shorted agreed. "Now go on." Sakura nodded weakly and walked through the gate. Behind her, she could hear the guards talking. "She looks good for a mother of three."

"Yeah," the taller replied. "You'd never know unless you looked at her hips and ass." Sakura spun, ready to dole out necessary violence only to see the shorter guard poking one of the heads with a stick.

"You guys hungry?"

"Stop giving them food. It all just ends up in a rotting pile below them."

"This village is fucked up," Satomi stated unexpectedly. Sakura considered chastising the genin for her language, but decided against it.

"Yeah," she agreed instead.

(:ii:)

"How many bars can one village have?" Sakura gritted as she stormed out of the latest hole in the wall.

"I'm more curious as to why they're all packed at midday," Haruka commented. "Is this the Hidden Village of Alcoholics or something?"

"Well, there's another one," Sakura stated as she pointed across the street. With that simple observation, the bar's swinging doors burst open and a man flew across the road to slam into the bar Sakura and her team had just left.

"Another fight," Haruka stated.

"Yep," Kaori replied blandly. They only agreed when they were too shocked to do anything else.

"Maybe we should skip that one," Satomi suggested.

"Sounds like a good idea." Sakura was about to lead her team away from the bar when a woman strode calmly through the swinging doors. She walked across the road and seized the man by his throat.

"Let's get out of here," Haruka suggested. Sakura heard the younger woman, but couldn't force herself to respond. A breeze rustled the woman's long golden hair as she examined her captive. She snarled suddenly and the three dark, whisker-like marks on her cheek crinkled.

"Alright, asshole," the blond growled, "what part of fuck off and die, don't you get?" The man sputtered something and the blond promptly threw him the length of the street with little effort. "Fucking pervert!"

"Hey Naruto," another woman called from the bar's entrance, "your henge is down!"

"Shit," the blond grumbled as she turned and began making several hand seals. She trailed off as she found herself staring at Sakura.

"Naruto?"

"Sakura?"

"Jack ass!" A passing stranger suddenly turned into a young bespectacled woman in a yukata. Said woman promptly slugged Naruto hard enough to send the blond slamming back into the wall she had just thrown her own victim into. "I'm going to nail you to the seat!" With that, the stranger grabbed the dazed Naruto and disappeared.

"Uh," Kaori began brilliantly. "Naruto? I thought we were looking for a guy."

"It's complicated," Sakura managed.

"It usually is," Satomi replied.

-End

(:ii:)

-Author's notes. And there you go. I said I'd do it if demands were not met and those demands were not met. This is all your fault.

Okay, all joking aside. New anime series, new characters, same old author. Welcome new readers. Welcome back old readers. For those of you who don't know me, I'm that asshole from the Eva section who makes fun of everything under the sun. Either you're going to like me, you're going to indulge me for my stories, or you're going to despise me. I don't much care. I've been the target of many, many flames. Some were sad. Some were informative. Some inspired me to push even further.

My mission statement is pretty much to keep everyone laughing and not because of how horrible or cliché my stories are. Once every great while when the moon glows red and the whiskey flows free, I branch off into other genres, but comedy is always my first love and I've gotten pretty good at it. Updates are weekly as often as possible, since this is only one of about four stories I have going, I'm not sure how often this will be updated.

As usual, this was the prologue chapter. Details and explanations will follow in future chapters. Expect cursing, violence, pop-culture references, vague-culture references, fourth wall poking, name-calling, alcoholism, drugs, potty humor, sex and general chaos. If you don't like what you've just read, I'd suggest you jump ship now because it's all down hill from here folks.

This is Mister C. saying: You have been warned.


	2. Chapter 2

I don't own anything.

Nothing but Trouble

-Chapter Two

"Oh, my head." Naruto rubbed her skull and groaned. "What hit me?"

"I did." Naruto glanced down and spotted Rumiko dragging her by her ankle. The blond grinned broadly at the other woman.

"How's your hand?"

"Tender," the dark haired woman gritted. She let go of her and Naruto climbed to her feet, noticing that she was in the waiting room of her office.

"So, how'd you know it was a clone doing the paperwork?"

"Why don't you ask him yourself?" Rumiko asked as she pushed the newly repaired door to Naruto's office open. Naruto followed and stared at her clone. He was leaning back in her chair with his feet up on her desk and a bottle of her sake in his hand.

"So, what happened buddy?"

"I told her," the shadow clone stated.

"What." Naruto said flatly.

"Pft. I'm not doing your paper work for you," the clone stated as he took a sip.

"This is mutiny!" Naruto roared, at least as well as her female body allowed her to. "How dare you betray your own sub-conscious?"

"Quit being a drama queen, it's not like I turned you over to the enemy," the clone stated with a role of his eyes. "Besides, I'm you, so what makes you think I'm going to do your paperwork for you while you run off and play?" With that, the clone had the common sense to dispel himself. Naruto pouted and stalked around her desk to collapse in her seat.

"Remind me to look into some kind of loyalty seal." When no comment was forthcoming, Naruto looked up at noticed that Rumiko was rather fixated on something just below the blonde's neckline. Naruto arched her back and pressed her breasts tightly against her tank top. "See something you like?"

"Yes," Rumiko stated bluntly, her cheeks turning a nice crimson color. Naruto sighed in annoyance and leaned over slightly to grab a stack of papers, inadvertently giving Rumiko a perfect view down her shirt.

"You know, if you would just let me use my clones, I could get all this work done in no time." There was no reply again. Naruto glanced up. "Your nose is bleeding."

"Shut up."

"My eyes are up here, Rumiko."

"I'm not interested in your eyes."

"Touché." Naruto dropped the technique and Rumiko pouted.

"If you're going to be such a pain in my ass, at least you could give me some eye candy."

"Sorry," Naruto replied. "So, clone, paperwork, deal?"

"I'm still looking up the legality of having a clone sign paperwork," Rumiko stated. "Besides, as he just proved, your clones aren't the most stable at times. Oh, and speaking of paperwork. . ." She held up a form. Naruto read it quickly.

"I already denied that request," he stated. "See, it's got my stamp."

"Actually, the stamp is what I don't like," Rumiko replied.

"It says: Fuck Y. . ."

"I know what it says," Rumiko growled. "Fuck you, does not equal denied."

"Does in my book." Rumiko sighed in annoyance. "Sakura!"

"What?"

"Sakura's in the village!" Naruto stated as he rocketed out of his seat. "Shit. How did I forget that? How hard did you hit me?"

"Pretty hard," Rumiko replied. "Who's Sakura?" A knock at the door interrupted Naruto's explanation. "One second." Rumiko opened the door and Naruto saw a flash of pink.

(:ii:)

"Sakura!" Sakura managed a squeak of surprise as she was wrapped in a tight hug.

"Naruto?" The blonde pulled back and grinned at her.

"Hi Sakura!" Sakura couldn't help herself as her eyes flashed down quickly and back up to Naruto's face. Well, someone had certainly grown. "Come on in." Naruto turned and led Sakura into a massive office. He sat down on the desk and waved a hand absently at a chair. Sakura managed to make it to the chair and sat down rather hard.

"Naruto?"

"Yep."

"So, he's a guy now?" Kaori asked. Naruto glanced up and stared at the three younger women standing behind Sakura.

"You had kids?"

"They're not mine!" Sakura snapped. "Do I look like I had three kids? Answer that and die." Naruto's jaw clicked shut.

"So, then, you're. . .a. . .you're a jonin?"

"Yes."

"Oh, congratulations!" Sakura had to smile at him. Grown up, maybe. Wised up, no chance in hell.

"Hey, wait a minute. What are you doing here?" Sakura demanded. "I was told that this was the village leader's office."

"It is," Naruto stated. He glanced over his shoulder at the dark haired woman who had decked him out in the street. "Meet Rumiko, our boss."

"It's a pleasure to meet you," Sakura stated formally.

"Like wise," Rumiko replied. Sakura took a moment to carefully gather her thoughts.

"Do you mind if we talk in private?" she asked finally. Naruto glanced around the office quickly and nodded.

"Sure, Rumiko can watch your genin."

"That's right, tell your boss what to do, why don't you?" Rumiko asked as she walked around the desk and sat luxuriously in the plush, leather, high-backed chair behind it.

"Don't worry, she's used to dealing with immature brats."

"You know, cock blocking my dates is bad, but cock blocking my potshots at you is worse," Rumiko grumbled. Naruto just grinned and quickly led Sakura out of the office.

"Are they going to be okay?"

"I'm sure Rumiko will be just fine," Naruto stated.

"What about my genin?"

"So, how about a drink?" Naruto asked.

"Sure, why not?" Sakura asked. "Happy Hour just started."

"Silly Sakura. In this village, Happy Hour never ends."

(:ii:)

Rumiko leaned back in Naruto's chair and bit back a gasp. How the hell could anything be so damned comfortable? "Don't touch that!"

"I was just looking!" the loudmouthed one snapped as she jerked her hand back from the sword she had been about to grab.

"Show some respect!" the girl's twin snarled. "She's like the Hokage!" Someone knocked and the door opened to reveal Yui.

"Hey Rumiko, where's Naruto? I have some papers he needs to sign." Rumiko pinched the bridge of her nose and raised an eyebrow as a bottle of sake tumbled into her lap from somewhere. She took a sip and noticed, to her relief that the twins were arguing and hadn't heard Yui. "Why are you in Naruto's chair?"

"He's up to something."

"So, Naruto is the leader?" Rumiko nearly leapt out of her skin as she spun to see the third member of the genin team. The girl had been so quiet that Rumiko had forgotten she was there.

"Jesus. Are you really a genin?"

"Yes," the girl stated.

"Wait, Naruto told the pink-haired chick you were the boss?"

"Like I said, he's up to something," Rumiko replied. She stared at the quiet genin coldly. "Mention this to anyone before Naruto mentions it and you'll end up like Larry, Curly and Moe."

"Who?" the girl asked.

"The three guys at the gate," Rumiko stated. "That's an old family technique."

"You did that?" Yui asked. "That's a neat genjutsu."

"Actually, it's a ninjutsu," Rumiko replied. "They're actually. . ."

"Lalalala!" Yui shouted as she stuck her fingers in her ears. "I can't hear you because I don't want to know!"

"Oh." Rumiko pouted. She may not have been a braggart, but she did like to explain her family's forbidden jutsu.

"Hey, can I sit down?" Yui asked suddenly.

"Sure," Rumiko replied, waving a hand at the chairs in front of Naruto's desk.

"Actually, I kind of met. . ." Yui made a few vague hand gestures and Rumiko understood.

"Sure." She pushed herself against the arm rest and Yui squished in beside her. The chair was actually big enough for the both of them, but Rumiko wasn't going to give up the chance of having Naruto's cutie assistant, and her former teammate, half sitting in her lap.

"Wow."

"Yeah," Rumiko agreed, her thoughts more on Yui's nice, firm ass than the chair.

"I bet boss would like to see this."

"Nah, he's way too protective of this chair."

"True."

"Oops." Rumiko glanced up to see one of Naruto's swords embedded in the floor next a pile of very important papers.

(:ii:)

Naruto led the way through the bustling streets by as many back paths as he could. It just wouldn't do to have someone spoil his ruse. "This seems like a really nice place," Sakura commented.

"I see you've heard those rumors about this place being a den of iniquity and full of missing nin, eh?"

"It isn't?"

"Well, that gets kind of complicated," Naruto stated. "Really, only about half a percent of the people around us are missing nin."

"Then who are these people?"

"Refugees and vacationers," Naruto answered. He led his former teammate into one of his favorite watering holes for when he didn't feel like company. Inside it was comfortingly gloomy and Naruto led the way to his table.

"What about all the missing nin that were recruited during the war?" Sakura pressed.

"Well, they're hardly missing nin now," Naruto answered.

"It must be stressful for Rumiko," Sakura commented. "I couldn't imagine having to lead people I couldn't trust."

"What makes you think Rumiko doesn't trust them?"

"They're missing nin, Naruto," Sakura stated. "They betrayed their villages."

"Some villages are worth betraying," Naruto replied. "Besides, not all missing nin are horrible people. Most of the ones in this village are just happy to have a place they can settle down in and not have to worry about bounty hunters or ANBU."

"If they just wanted to settle down, then why didn't they stay with their villages?" Sakura asked.

"There are plenty of reasons," Naruto answered. "Did you know, most missing nin leave their village as genin?"

"Really?"

"Really," Naruto stated. "They leave because they're just kids; cocky, arrogant kids. They have trouble with authority or they think that they're being held back. That's why it's often the geniuses who leave." They both fell silent, lost in memories of another genius who had left his village as a genin. Naruto nearly jumped when Sakura reached across the table and took his hand.

"I really missed you, Naruto."

"I missed you too." Naruto had to smile. He really had missed her. "So, you're a jonin with your own genin team now. I bet you're an amazing medic too." Sakura blushed slightly, just enough for it to show in the darkness.

"What about you?" she asked. "Tsunade told me you were studying under a great seal master." Naruto felt his eye tick as he habitually rubbed his wrist.

"Yeah, that prick." Naruto was saved from further explanation when a waitress came tripping up to their table.

"Hey Naruto!"

"Hey." Naruto had no idea what her name was. "What do you want to eat, Sakura?"

"What's good?"

"I don't know," Naruto admitted. "I've never been here for anything other than booze."

(:ii:)

Rumiko glanced up as the door to the office opened and Naruto walked in. "You get that pink-haired chick to the inn?"

"Yeah. Thanks for arranging that," Naruto stated.

"I just needed to get those brats out of my hair," Rumiko stated.

"Ah." Naruto made a vague gesture and Rumiko scrambled out of his chair. He strolled around his desk and stared down at the piece of furniture for a moment.

"How big is your ass? It looks like two people were sitting in my chair." Rumiko, despite her casual attitude in dealing with her boss, knew the man could slaughter her on a whim and so decided to take the shot in stride.

"Fuck you." Naruto sat down and began filling out a few papers. "What happened?"

"Huh?"

"You're actually doing paperwork," Rumiko pointed out, "and I was kind of expecting you not to come back tonight." Naruto shot her a grin and pulled out two bottles. Rumiko accepted one and sat on the edge of his desk. "She's an old friend, huh?"

"In a way, yes." Naruto leaned back in his chair. "I feel something when I see her."

"Something?" Rumiko asked, genuinely intrigued. "Ooh. Is the big bad Forest Fox going to be making googly eyes at the new chick?" Naruto laughed at that.

"Probably not," he stated. "Besides, this is more affection. I see her and I remember all the people I left behind. I haven't thought of them in so long. I want to see them again." He trailed off for a moment. "The people I left behind," he repeated. "Ah, these memories. It can be so confusing some times."

"Well," Rumiko commented, "I can't really blame you. I feel something myself when I look at her."

"I noticed those too," Naruto commented. "I guess she's a late bloomer, but when she bloomed, woo, she really bloomed."

"You mean she didn't always have that pair of cantaloupes strapped to her chest?" Rumiko asked.

"Nope. Maybe she ended up taking after her teacher."

"Who?"

"Tsunade."

"The Legendary Sucker?"

"Yep," Naruto replied. "If Sakura has cantaloupes, Tsunade has got fucking watermelons." Rumiko pondered that for a little while.

"I have really got to meet that lady."

"How can you be such a boob hound when you see a pair in the mirror every day?" Naruto wondered.

"Oh, don't get me wrong, my boobs are spectacular, but they're still just my boobs. It's not as much fun playing with your own." Naruto finished his sake and pulled out a big glass bottle of old Land of Snow vodka.

"I've got nothing to say that." He uncapped the bottle and took a long swallow. "Ooh."

"So, what'd she want?" Naruto stared at her for a moment. "You didn't ask?"

"Heh." Naruto scratched the back of his head sheepishly and he grinned at her.

"She didn't say?"

"Heh." Rumiko sighed and finished half of her bottle before reaching for the vodka.

"You know, people don't tend to bring genin teams on social calls."

"Heh."

"Why did you tell her I was the boss?"

"You know I play my cards close to the vest," Naruto stated.

"What if someone talks?"

"No one in this village will talk to an outsider like that," Naruto stated. "Everyone here is too scared of me."

"Some might say loyal," Rumiko commented.

"They're scared," Naruto corrected. "Everyone's scared of me."

"Even me?" Rumiko asked.

"Especially you," Naruto stated as he climbed to his feet quickly, looming over the smaller woman. "You're too smart to not be utterly terrified of me." Rumiko snorted and pushed him back so she could take another drink. Naruto grinned cheerfully at her response and glanced back at the papers on his desk. "Anything major happening?"

"Takumi's back." Naruto's grin seemed to grow even bigger, subtly too big for his face, and quit a few teeth suddenly ended in points.

"Really?"

"Takumi!" The doors burst open and a white-haired boy stumbled in.

"I did it this time!" he declared as he pulled out a storage scroll. "I definitely assassinated the right guy!" He pricked his finger and ran it along the scroll. There was a poof of smoke and Naruto's office was suddenly filled with severed heads. "He has got to be here! I went to the village you told me about and killed every single person there."

"Well, that's one way of doing it," Naruto commented. "Is that a horse head?"

"I killed all the animals too, just in case," Takumi stated.

"You know," Rumiko began, "you would be killed for this in any other village."

"Good thing we don't live there, eh?" Naruto asked as he dug out his Bingo book and flipped to the proper page before beginning to sift through the heads in search of the one that would prove Takumi could kill everyone and his target instead of just everyone except his target like last time.

"I'm really beginning to wonder," Rumiko replied.

(:ii:)

"You didn't tell me that Naruto was such a fox!" Sakura coughed roughly as she tried to gasp and drink at the same time.

"That's one way of putting it," she squeaked. "So, you think he's a cutie, eh?"

"He is so far beyond cute!" Kaori stated. "Did you two have fun?"

"Yes. It was good catching up with him," Sakura replied, ignoring her genin's blunt innuendo. "You two didn't cause any trouble for Rumiko, did you?"

"Are you kidding?" Kaori asked. "She's responsible for Larry, Curly and Moe!"

"Who?"

"The three heads at the gate," Haruka explained. "She said she'd do that to us after the idiot nearly cut a stack of papers in half with a sword."

"I wasn't anywhere near that when it happened," Kaori protested.

"You were holding the sword!" Haruka snapped.

"When are we leaving?" Sakura fought every instinct not to jump. She hated when Satomi did that.

"Leaving?"

"Yes," Satomi replied. "We're here to tell Naruto that he has been recalled. You did tell him at some point in the five hours you were together, right?" Sakura managed not to look too sheepish.

"I'll tell him tomorrow."

"Sensei's got a crush!" Sakura couldn't be held responsible for the punch that put her genin to bed early that night. She was only human after all and humans had limits to what they could endure.

-End

(:ii:)

-Author's notes. Yo. Considering how many people took time to write in with reviews and even PMs, it seemed like kind of a dick move not to put up another chapter of this. Of course, me being a dick and all, it was tempting.

A lot of people commented on the similarities of this and the B-stories. It was intentional. I consider the B-stories to be a bit of a culmination of my humor. It only made sense for this to be similar so that new readers understood just where this was going. I have always been a fan of the sink or swim approach. Either you like it or you don't. If you don't, you probably aren't going to suddenly like it later.

In other news. I just had another birthday and had to renew my driver's license. Kind of sucks. When I hit eighteen I had been smoking for two years. When I hit twenty-one I had been drinking for about five years. Seems like birthdays only mean you're getting older. After I could buy my own booze, what else was there to look forward to? Social security? Bullshit. There isn't going to be social security by the time I'd be old enough to collect. Well, that and I'm probably going to die before sixty. My death will be loud, flashy, spectacular, traumatic and preempted by the words "Hey guys, watch this!"


	3. Chapter 3

I don't own anything.

Nothing but Trouble

-Chapter Three

Yui pushed the door to her office open and froze. There was light shining from under the door leading to Naruto's office. It was eight in the morning. Nobody was ever in Naruto's office before eleven.

Yui quickly set down the papers she had been carrying and slipped a senbon from her hair. Whoever was in there was about to find themselves paralyzed and answering several demanding questions.

Yui kicked the door open and had just enough time to realize that she was probably about to die as she launched her needle at her boss.

Naruto casually plucked the needle out of the air without looking up and set it on his desk. "Too slow, Yui."

"You're just too fast," Yui corrected, quickly checking to make sure that she hadn't suddenly sprouted a few kunai handles. "What are you doing here?"

"Signing papers," Naruto stated. "Rumiko says she's sick."

"Don't you usually just fuck off and drink when she's sick?" Yui asked. She sat down quickly before her legs could give out. Only those who knew Naruto, knew just how dangerous he could be.

"Didn't feel like it," Naruto stated. "Give me my cigarette."

"Huh?"

"My cigarette," Naruto repeated, tapping his ear. Yui reached up and yelped as her fingers closed around something hot. She tried again more carefully and tugged a cigarette out of her earring.

"You threw a cigarette ten feet with enough accuracy to put it in my loop earring," Yui commented as she handed the cigarette to Naruto. "You're a freak."

"I'm a monster, not a freak," Naruto corrected. Yui stared at the stacks of papers and suddenly understood what was happening.

"Oh!"

"Oh, what?"

"You had your clones sign all this while Rumiko was guaranteed not to be here, didn't you?" Naruto stared at her for a few minutes, silently puffing on his cigarette.

"I'd keep that theory to myself if I were you," he commented finally. "Okay?" Yui nodded quickly. "Good." Naruto finished stamping the last paper on his desk and leaned back in his chair. "All done."

"You know, you're getting sneaky." Yui commented. "Maybe they were right to make you the boss after all."

"Pft. I'm only sneaky to get out of paperwork." Naruto climbed to his feet and stretched.

"So, what's the plan for today if you aren't leading Rumiko around the city on your daily chase?"

"Hmm." Naruto snubbed his cigarette out in his ashtray and grinned. "I was thinking of fucking off and drinking."

"You don't say," Yui replied. Naruto nodded and opened his window. "You have a door, you know?"

"I'm a ninja," Naruto protested. "Normal people can use the door. I, on the other hand, will continue to use the window to access my fourth floor office."

"Well, that's far from the worst of your quirks at least."

(:ii:)

Sakura glanced around the small restaurant and smiled as she saw the man she was waiting for. "Naruto!" The blond saw her and quickly made his way over.

"Hey Sakura." He sat down across from her and peeled off his orange jacket. "Pretty hot out today, huh?" Sakura was about to answer when her eyes fell upon the tattoo on Naruto's left arm.

"What's that?"

"Huh?" Naruto glanced down and stared at the marking. "It's a tattoo."

"That's the crest of the Land of Spring," Sakura stated, trying not to sound accusatory as she studied the plain black snowflake design. It was one of a few such tattoos, including two chain designs, one on either wrist, but the crest held Sakura's attention.

"Yeah, so?"

"Naruto, you're a ninja sworn to the Village Hidden in the Leaves! You can't wear another village's crest."

"Why not?" Naruto asked. "It's my body and I'll do exactly what I want with it." Sakura groaned in annoyance and rubbed her temples. Why couldn't Naruto ever be agreeable?

"Just keep it hidden when we go back," she ordered.

"Uh oh," a nearby man grunted. "Now he's going to run around showing it off just to spite you." Naruto grinned sheepishly and scratched the back of his head.

"Probably," he admitted. "Hey, wait a minute. Go back?"

"I'm here to tell you that you've been recalled," Sakura explained. "The Chunin Exams are being held in our village and Tsunade has ordered all ninjas abroad to return home to help out."

"Oh." Naruto appeared to consider something for a moment. "Sorry, no can do."

"Uh, this isn't a request, Naruto," Sakura stated. "Your Hokage orders you to return to the Village Hidden in the Leaves."

"I'm sure you guys can deal with it," Naruto replied flippantly. "I've got a lot of work that needs doing around here." Sakura stared at him in shock. Did he not comprehend that this was an order?

"Naruto. . ."

"Naruto!" Sakura spun in her chair just in time to see a red-haired blur rush past her and slam into her former teammate. "I have great news!" Sakura turned and stared at the curvy redhead latched onto the blond. "My dad's coming!"

"Your dad?" Naruto repeated.

"Yeah!" the girl squealed. "I've told him all about you and he can't wait to meet you in person. Isn't that great?"

"Uh. . ."

"Send me a letter from the Village Hidden in the Leaves," the man from before offered.

"What?" the redhead asked.

"That's right," Naruto announced suddenly. "This young lady is my old teammate and she was just telling me that I have to go back to my old village." Sakura's brow furrowed at Naruto's reference to their hidden village as his "old" village. The redhead scowled at her.

"Come on Naruto!" she whined. "You know my dad. He travels so much that if you don't meet him now, you might never meet him."

"And that'd be just terrible," Naruto replied. "Well, time to go Sakura."

(:ii:)

Naruto scowled as he led his old friend through the bright, cheerful, rather rambunctious streets of the Village Hidden in the Springs. "Naruto?"

"Yeah?"

"I don't think you fully comprehend the situation," Sakura stated.

"Oh, I do," Naruto replied. "That chick's dad is one scary mother fucker and I slept with his daughter. Trust me, I understand." Sakura groaned and pinched the bridge of her nose. "Some people just don't get no-strings-attached."

"I meant about Tsunade's order," she growled. "When the Hokage calls, you aren't allowed to say no."

"Well, I did," Naruto replied. "We're going to have to talk to Rumiko."

"Why?"

"To tell her I'm leaving," Naruto stated.

"Sensei!" Naruto glanced over his shoulder and saw Sakura's genin team. He still hadn't bothered to learn their names. "This place is great! There are hot springs everywhere."

"Well duh," Naruto stated. "Why else would we call it the Village Hidden in the Springs, because it's in the Land of Spring? We're more original than that." Any further conversation was cut out as a brawl spilled out of a nearby bar and into the street.

"This is the third fight we've seen today," one of the twins commented.

"Been a slow day," Naruto replied. He checked his watch. "Oh, never mind. It's only noon. I'm just not used to being up so early."

"Is there any reason so many people here drink?" the other twin asked.

"We need a reason?" Naruto asked blankly. "How about because it's Tuesday?" He shoved his way easily through the fight with Sakura and her genin behind him.

"You've never thought about why everyone in this village drinks?" one of the twins demanded. "The bars in the Village Hidden in the Leaves don't even open until six." Naruto nearly tripped over his own feet. He spun and stared at the twin.

"What?"

"The bars don't open until six," the twin repeated. Somebody stumbled into Naruto so he threw the man across the road, ignoring the man's squeaked apology. "A few restaurants serve alcohol though, but they can't even serve before ten."

"Holy shit." Naruto held up his hands, weighing his options. On one hand there was the redhead's father. On the other was the severe cramp in his social alcoholism. Damn that was close. "Oh well, lack of booze never tried to castrate me."

(:ii:)

Rumiko had a secret. She was utterly terrified of her boss. On some days she just couldn't bring herself to face the man. That was why she was currently yelling at him. "Go the hell away! I'm sick!"

"Look pretty lively to me," Naruto commented. He ducked as she threw a bottle at him. "I hope that was empty." Rumiko glared at him. It was taking all her strength to be mad and not run screaming in fear. Putting on a brave face was very important when dealing with monsters.

"What the hell do you want now Naruto?"

"I have to go back to the Village Hidden in the Leaves."

"Why?"

"I've been recalled," Naruto stated.

"What for?"

"The Chunin Exams are being held there and the Hokage is recalling all her ninja," Naruto explained. He glanced behind him. "Give me a second." He stepped into Rumiko's apartment and she tried hard not to shrink back as he closed the door. "I need you to take over for me."

"Not a problem." Rumiko was proud that her voice didn't waiver. "How long are you going to be gone?"

"Not to sure," Naruto admitted. "We have to traverse a good bit of the Land of Earth."

"What about going by water?" Rumiko asked. "It's shorter."

"Well, the Land of Earth has installed a railroad for most of the way," Naruto stated. "If it's not quicker, it'll be close." Rumiko considered that.

"Tell Yukie."

"I'll head up there today."

"Take Yasu with you," Rumiko added. "He needs to get that job done in the Land of Fire." Naruto's lips curved into a wide, vicious grin.

"Kitty."

"Try not to waste too many resources on killing one cat."

"You know me."

"That's exactly what I'm talking about," Rumiko growled. "If I find out that you ordered Yasu to spend more money killing that damn thing than we made from the job, I am going to turn you into a smear on the wall."

"Even if I make up the difference?" Naruto asked.

"Surely you can't be serious."

"I am serious," Naruto stated as he pulled open the door, "and don't call me Shirley."

(:ii:)

"Is everything okay?" Sakura asked as she followed Naruto away from Rumiko's apartment.

"Everything's good," Naruto replied. "We have one more person to go see and we can head out."

"Can't we stay here another few days?" Kaori begged. "I love the hot springs."

"They are pretty nice," Haruka commented.

"You can all stay here," Naruto said. "I think I'll be just fine without a genin escort."

"Where are you going?" Sakura asked.

"I'm going to go see Yukie," Naruto explained.

"Yukie who?" Kaori asked. "Do you have a girlfriend?" Naruto laughed at that.

"Girlfriends are way too much trouble," he stated. "Anyway, Yukie is Yukie Fujikaze."

"I know that name from somewhere," Kaori commented as she scratched her chin.

"She's the daimyo of the Land of Spring," Satomi stated.

"No, that's not it," Kaori replied. "Oh! She's Princess Gale!"

"And yet again the youth of today prove themselves to be driven only by pop culture," Naruto stated. Sakura could only nod in agreement as she pinched the bridge of her nose.

"You're going to meet Princess Gale?" Kaori demanded. "Can I come? Please? Please?"

"Your genin," Naruto stated, as he turned and walked away.

"You three stay here and don't cause any trouble," Sakura ordered. Behind her she heard a set of doors burst open and the sounds of yet another fight.

"You mean, don't cause any more trouble?" Haruka asked.

"Yeah."

-End

(:ii:)

-Author's notes. Well, went to see the Wolverine movie. Meh. It was okay, but they raped Deadpool. Sword arms? What the fuck man? Would not pay to see it again. They showed a trailed for a movie called 9. It's animated, but it looks fucking epic.

I got bored the other day and drank a fifth of Captain Morgan. That wasn't a good idea. Or, maybe the beers I had before that were the bad idea. I played Call of Duty 4 for a long time before I passed out. At least, I think it was a long time. I checked my account the next day and I was up two levels, had finished seven challenges, and unlocked the red tiger stripe for my M4.

I also smoked a pair of good Dominican cigars just to add to my buzz. Of course, by that point it was more of a roar than a buzz.

Well, on the bright side. My German-Irish breeding kicked in, so I woke up the next day ravenously hungry instead of nauseous. Got to love that German-Irish blood. I can't imagine what my hangovers would be like if I came from somewhere else.


	4. Chapter 4

I don't own anything.

Nothing but Trouble

-Chapter Four

Sakura glanced to her side and watched her traveling companion for a moment. Naruto was off in his own world, calmly smoking a cigarette as they made their way through the forest. "So, the daimyo's palace is within walking distance?"

"Yup. She swings by every once in a while for the hot springs and to get away from the whole 'royal duties' bullshit," Naruto replied.

"Oh." Sakura meant to comment on the weather. She really did. What came out was, "so, who's the redhead?"

"Huh?"

"The redhead back in the bar," Sakura clarified, "who was she?"

"Oh, her. I can't remember her name, but her clan name is very famous. . .and feared, feared for very good reasons."

"You can't remember her name?" Sakura demanded. "Isn't she your girlfriend?" Naruto actually stopped walking so he could turn and stare at her.

"What the hell gave you that idea?"

"You said you slept with her," Sakura pointed out.

"That doesn't mean anything," Naruto replied. "Well, nothing other than I was drunk and cruising for a bed warmer." Naruto chuckled. "She was pretty lively though, she and her friend." Sakura had to laugh.

"Nice try, Naruto."

"Huh?"

"She and her friend," Sakura repeated. "That's where you blew it."

"I didn't blow nothing," Naruto stated. "They blew something though." He chuckled and started walking again. Sakura stared at him in shock as she came to the realization that the blond wasn't joking. By the time she came back to her senses, she had to run to catch up to her old teammate.

"So," she began awkwardly. "Sounds like you've been having an interesting couple of years."

"You have no idea," Naruto replied as they stepped out of the forest. "There it is." Sakura glanced up and saw the castle rising from the lush green landscape a little ways down the road.

"What are all those trailers?"

"Yukie's working on the new Icha Icha movie," Naruto stated.

"Oh." Sakura frowned as she considered that answer. "Hey, Naruto?"

"Yeah?"

"Who's writing the new Icha Icha novels?" Sakura asked. There had been much speculation about the new novels' rather hardcore turn.

"I am," Naruto stated. He reached in his coat and produced an orange notebook. Sakura took it and flipped through a few pages of hand written story. She could feel her cheeks starting to burn at the lurid passages.

"Where do you come up with this stuff?"

"Personal experience," Naruto replied as he stripped his cigarette's glowing tip between his fingers and tossed the butt. Now Sakura could feel herself lose all color.

"Personal experience?"

"Yep."

"All of it?"

"Yep."

"Your personal experience?"

"I thought that went without saying."

"Oh."

(:ii:)

Naruto lit another cigarette and watched as Yukie went through her lines with some guy. "That is one short kimono," Sakura commented, "and what's with the cigarettes?"

"They make me look cool," Naruto replied, "and they're great for accidentally setting fire to my paperwork."

"What paperwork?" Sakura demanded. Naruto felt his eye tick.

"Hey Yukie!" Yukie glanced up at his voice and grinned when she saw him.

"Naruto!"

"Yukie!" Naruto caught the dark haired woman and swung her around before setting her back on her feet.

"Could you two please act like the leaders you are?" Naruto grinned at the older woman scowling at them.

"Afternoon to you too Izumi."

"Must be important for you to have woken up before noon," Izumi stated. "Is the world ending, or did you favorite brewery burn down?"

"I can't just visit my friend?" Naruto asked.

"It is kind of early," Yukie commented. "So, what's up?"

"I have to leave for a little while," Naruto stated. He glanced back at Sakura and smiled. "Could you give us a moment?"

"Sure," the pink haired woman replied. Naruto nodded to show his thanks and led Yukie a few feet away. In the general rabble of the movie set, even a few feet made it impossible to hear.

"Isn't she one of your old teammates?" Yukie asked.

"Yes she is," Naruto answered. "I have to go back to the Village Hidden in the Leaves. They're hosting the Chunin Exams and the Hokage has recalled me."

"Why don't you take our genin?" Yukie asked. Naruto paused and thought about that one. "The Land of Earth recognizes us as a village by terms of the peace treaty. That means that we can enter the exams too, right?"

"I guess," Naruto replied. "Do you really want to turn loose our little nutcases on some poor unsuspecting genin?"

"They aren't that bad," Yukie protested.

"I love the little psychopaths, but they really are that bad," Naruto corrected. "None of them are really playing with a full deck and most of them have almost gratuitous violent tendencies."

"If we put in a good showing then we'll be able to charge more," Yukie argued.

"We already charge through the roof," Naruto stated.

"On S, A and B-ranked missions," Yukie replied. "If we show that our genin are the best, we can charge an arm and a leg for C and D-ranks."

"Actually, we don't do C and D-rank missions," Naruto explained. "Our genin teams usually handle B-rank missions and they have a one hundred percent success rate. In my opinion, people can paint their own damned fences."

"How old are they?"

"Twelve, at the youngest," Naruto stated. Yukie stared at him. "They are good."

"I guess so." She paused and considered the conversation. "I still say they should go. Right now almost all of our missions are from the Land of Earth. A good showing at the Chunin Exams would help get our name out into the other major elemental countries."

"Hey, you're the boss," Naruto stated.

"Oh, please. We both know that if I told you to jump, you'd say. . ."

"Go fuck yourself?" Naruto supplied. Izumi cold cocked him for that one. "Ow! Hey! That was theoretical."

"Do you even know what theoretical means?" Izumi asked.

"It means you aren't supposed to hit me!" Naruto complained. "At least, theoretically." Izumi pinched the bridge of her nose and groaned.

"I need a drink."

"Me too," Naruto stated cheerfully.

"I need to go," Izumi replied. She glared at Naruto. "You better be back soon. I'm not done civilizing you!" With that she turned and stormed away.

"That was almost nice," Yukie commented. "Give me two or three days to finish filming and I'll go with you." Naruto felt one eyebrow rise.

"Are you that bored?"

"You have no idea," Yukie stated. "My advisors are trying to get me to agree to get married."

"What did you say?"

"Only if it was to you," Yukie stated. "I knew they'd never agree to that one. No offense."

"None taken. It's not the first time I've been used to scare someone's parents."

(:ii:)

Sakura watched as Naruto and Yukie chatted cheerfully. The blond had managed to position them so that Sakura couldn't read their lips, not that she was trying to read their lips. Did he not trust her? With a final hug, the two stepped apart and Naruto walked back to her. "Ready to go?"

"No problem," Sakura replied. "Are you ready to leave for the Land of Fire yet?"

"A few more stops," Naruto replied cheerfully as he led her through the crowd.

"Such as?"

"Remember that seal master I'm supposed to be studying under?" Naruto asked.

"Yeah."

"We have to go see that prick."

"Maybe you shouldn't call your sensei, 'that prick'," Sakura suggested.

"He is in keeping with the fine tradition of my instructors," Naruto stated. "He's an utter fucking pervert and worse, a complete pain in my ass." Sakura was slightly taken aback by his comment.

"That's in keeping with your prior senseis?" Naruto froze in mid-step and turned to stare at her.

"My first sensei had a yen for reading smut books in the middle of missions," he stated. "My second sensei wrote said smut books. I've only had two senseis. Do the math."

"Okay, so maybe they aren't all that moral," Sakura allowed.

"Oh, they're moral, but just freaks."

"So, where does this freak live?" Sakura asked.

"In the forest," Naruto answered, "about half way between the village and the palace."

"I didn't notice anything," Sakura stated.

"Freak though he may be, he is still one of the world's leading experts on seals," Naruto replied. "You didn't notice his cabin because he didn't want you to notice his cabin."

"Clever," Sakura commented.

"Annoying," Naruto corrected.

(:ii:)

Masashi hadn't really been expecting company, so it came as something of a surprise when his door burst open. "Put that kunai down or I'll hurt you."

"Oh, hey Naruto." Masashi set down the kunai he had grabbed and sat back down. "Have a seat. What brings you around to my part of the woods?"

"Her," the blond stated simply, gesturing to the pink haired woman that had walked in behind him. Masashi sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose.

"I never thought you'd resort to bringing along some hooker," he commented. "Besides, couldn't you have gotten me one with smaller hips and. . ." he trailed off as a wave of killer intent dwarfed even the one his former student usually gave off. "Uh, wrong guess?"

"Way wrong," Naruto stated, resting one hand on the pink haired woman's shoulder. "Easy Sakura, I need him alive, for now." The pink haired woman calmed down and Masashi could breathe again. He had rarely felt such focused ill will, and that was saying something considering who his ex-student was.

"So, are you going to introduce us?"

"Sakura, this is Masashi. He used to be my sensei, but we had something of a falling out. Masashi, this is Sakura, my old teammate from the Village Hidden in the Leaves."

"It's a pleasure," Masashi stated. "Have a seat. Now, do I really need to ask what this is about?"

"No," Naruto replied. "Get these damn things off me." Masashi glanced down at the chain tattoos on the blonde's wrists.

"No." Naruto lurched to his feet and seized Masashi's collar with a suddenness that startled Sakura almost enough to send her tumbling from her chair.

"Get them off," Naruto hissed.

"I can't," Masashi replied.

"You can't?" Naruto repeated as he withdrew a senbon from somewhere.

"I mean, I won't," Masashi corrected quickly. Naruto stared at him contemplatively.

"Could you step outside, Sakura?" Masashi winced as the pink-haired woman nodded and stepped out. He quickly fought the desire to beg her not to leave. This wasn't good. Naruto released him suddenly and sat back down.

"It's mine, you know? You don't have any right to seal it." Masashi felt an eyebrow rise. Reasoning? This was new.

"The chakra isn't yours," he replied. "Leave it be. It was corrupting your mind."

"It wasn't corrupting me," Naruto stated. "It's mine!"

"It's the fox's," Masashi corrected.

"I am the fox!" Naruto roared. His features were suddenly feral. "Give it to me!"

"Never." Naruto snarled and suddenly Masashi was flying through the air. He landed hard and managed to role with the impact. "My lumbago!"

"Cute," Naruto growled. "When I get rid of this seal, I'm going to kill you. You understand this, don't you?"

"Those seals are staying where they are," Masashi stated, "just like the one on your chest." Naruto growled in annoyance and sat back down. "Speaking of which, take off your shirt. I need to check that one."

"The last time you said that, I wound up with these," Naruto commented as he peeled off his shirt.

"That was years ago!"

"Two."

"Feels like longer." Masashi dragged a chair over and stared at the raised scar tissue on Naruto's chest. "Amazing. Every time I see it, I just. . .wow. I never thought I'd ever see a blood seal. Ryoko really never taught you how to perform these?"

"Really," Naruto stated. "It was a family secret. Besides, those from outside her family have to perform one hundred and twelve hand seals."

"And family members only had to perform three," Masashi commented. "You know, the problem with secret family techniques is, if the family dies, so does the technique. That can be a real shame when said technique could actually help the world."

"Any changes?"

"No. Ryoko knew what she was doing."

"Actually, she didn't." Masashi whistled.

"Scary natural talent." Naruto pulled his shirt back on. "You know, would it have killed you to turn into a girl before you took your shirt off?" Naruto pinched the bridge of his nose.

"Fucking pervert."

"And send in pinky, would you? I need to talk to her."

"Try anything and I'll. . ."

". . .kill me?" Masashi asked mockingly.

". . .castrate you with a senbon needle." Masashi felt his jaw drop.

"How would that even work?"

"Do you want to find out?"

"Not particularly."

(:ii:)

Sakura glanced up as the door burst open. "Naruto?"

"Hey," the blonde replied.

"Are you okay?" Sakura ventured.

"I'm fine," Naruto replied. Sakura studied him carefully. "What?"

"I don't think I've ever seen you that mad," Sakura stated. "It was kind of scary." Naruto grinned brightly.

"I'm kind of a scary person," he stated. "The pervert wants to talk to you. If he tries anything, stick a knife in his ribs. That should shut him up."

"I'll keep that in mind." Sakura walked back into the hut and closed the door.

"You wanted to talk?"

"Yes I did," Masashi replied. "What do you know about Naruto?"

"Everything," Sakura replied without hesitation. "He was my teammate."

"How long has it been since you last saw him?" Masashi asked.

"A few years."

"More than a few," Masashi replied. "He came to me over seven years ago. Before that he wandered for a year and a half. That's almost a decade."

"I can count," Sakura growled.

"That's a long time," Masashi stated. "People can change in an instant. Imagine how much they can change in a decade."

"What are you getting at?" Sakura demanded.

"He's not the man you once knew," Masashi stated. He reached into his pocket and pulled out a paper seal. "Take this."

"What is it?"

"This will seal all the chakra in a person's body," Masashi replied. "I think you might need it."

"To use on Naruto?" Sakura demanded.

"You'll see, eventually." Sakura took the seal and stared down at it. She knew just enough about seals to know that the seal in her hand could only have been done by a real master. Sakura tucked it into one of the pockets of her flak jacket for safe keeping. "Now, off you go," Masashi stated with a cheerful pat on her rump. He received a cheerful elbow to his nose for his efforts.

"Pervert," Sakura growled as she pulled the door open.

"He try anything?"

"I heard that!" Masashi yelled, his voice somewhat distorted.

"No," Sakura replied.

"What'd he want?" Sakura hesitated, remembering the rage and hate that had flowed from the blonde when he had grabbed the older man.

"My number."

"You old pervert!"

"What?" Masashi demanded. "I happened to like big foreheads!"

"What?" Sakura shrieked. Naruto seized her by the shoulders and dragged her away as she spat curses and abuse at the old man. She managed to calm down by the time they were out of sight of the hut. "So," she began, "what was that about?"

"That old pervert sealed my chakra," Naruto stated, holding up his arm. Sakura stared at the chain tattoo.

"It's a seal?"

"Both of them," Naruto replied. "Each one sealed away a quarter of my chakra and I want it back."

"Why'd he do that?"

"Eh, probably pissed that I get all the girls," Naruto replied with a shrug. "I'm going to beat that guy to death one of these days." Sakura felt her eyes shoot open in shock. "I was kidding."

"Right."

"So, let's get back and make sure that Rumiko hasn't stuck your genin on pikes." Sakura stared at him. "I'm kidding. They'd really have to piss her off for her to do that." Sakura began to walk very quickly. "Oh, come on. I mean, really piss her off."

"You don't know Kaori," Sakura replied before she broke into a run.

-End

(:ii:)

-Author's notes. Ooh. Sorry about last week. I was actually finishing this chapter when I started drinking. I reread what I had written when I sobered up the next morning and it was pretty fucking weird.

I write better drinking. I write weirder drunk. I write just plain fucking bizarre drunk off my ass and watching Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas.

I can't really think of anything to add at the moment. I'll be gone for two weeks starting June 13th, but that's about it.

Cheers.


	5. Chapter 5

I don't own anything.

Nothing but Trouble

-Chapter Five

"Now, where the hell could they be?" Sakura wondered as she looked around the village.

"What time is it?" Naruto asked.

"Six."

"Happy Hour."

"They're thirteen," Sakura pointed out.

"They're ninja," Naruto countered. He stuck two fingers in his mouth and blew. The shrill whistle made Sakura jump almost as much as the baker's dozen of masked ninja who appeared around them.

"What's up?" their leader asked.

"Where the hell are her genin?" Naruto asked.

"They're at Mimi's."

"Told you," Naruto stated.

"Mimi's is a bar?" Sakura asked.

"Yeah. It's kind of shady," Naruto stated. "Actually, it's really shady. We might want to move in a rather hurried manner." Sakura nodded and followed him as he leapt up onto a nearby house and began leaping from roof to roof with a speed Sakura was hard pressed to match.

"So, who was that?"

"Village watch," Naruto stated. "They keep things from getting out of hand."

"Out of hand," Sakura repeated as they traveled over another fight, "right."

"You should see what happens on bingo night," Naruto replied.

"Bingo night?"

"It's almost like the good old days, back before this village settled down," Naruto commented, "only with bingo chips turned into almost-lethal projectiles."

"Bingo?"

"Here we are." Naruto dropped down into the street and Sakura followed, only to find herself standing in front of a rather ratty looking dive. "This is actually the shadiest bar in town."

"Figures," Sakura grumbled, pinching the bridge of her nose. Her genin, especially Kaori, would find the most dangerous bar in a village where bar fights didn't even draw a raised eyebrow.

"Come on, time to go rescue my big scary ninja from your prepubescent genin." Naruto pushed the door open and Sakura followed him in. She spotted her genin quickly and froze, utterly shocked by what she saw. They were sitting at a table with a man in his late teens or early twenties and watching raptly as he sliced limes. It was just too fucking weird.

"Who is that?"

"That's Shogo," Naruto stated. "He's a bit of a niche killer, but he's good at what he does and his niche is pretty useful."

"Posing as a card dealer?" Sakura guessed as she watched the young man flip around several playing cards.

"How'd you guess?" Naruto asked. "What's your poison?"

"Genshu sake," Sakura stated.

"Coming right up." Sakura nodded her thanks and made her way towards where her genin were sitting.

"Having fun?" Kaori and Haruka jumped, but Satomi, of course, didn't even twitch.

"Hey Sensei!" Kaori cheered. "You've got to see what this guy can do! It's really cool."

"I don't see how he can do it," Satomi stated. She sounded rather frustrated and Sakura decided she liked this Shogo on principle alone. She glanced at the ninja they were sitting with and than down at the sliced limes on the table.

"Keep your eyes on the card," Shogo stated as he held up a playing card and flexed it between his fingers. He raised the card and brought it down on one of the lime halves. Not only did the card slice the lime, it embedded itself in the wood table top. "Well?"

"Wind style," Sakura stated. Shogo frowned.

"How'd you know?"

"My teammate's a wind affinity," Sakura replied, jerking her thumb over her shoulder at Naruto, whom she had heard approaching.

"Who do you think taught me?" Shogo asked.

(:ii:)

Naruto set down Sakura's sake and his own tall pint of stout. "Does Mimi know what you're doing to her tables?"

"Heh," Shogo managed. "Let's keep that between us, please?"

"Who else would leave these kind of gouges in solid hardwood?" Naruto asked.

"You?"

"Good point." Naruto tugged the card out of the table.

"So, that's wind style?" the non-twin member of Sakura's genin team asked.

"Yes," Naruto answered. He held the card between his hands and focused. A second later he dropped the neatly sheered card onto the table. "It's our natural affinity. I also have a lesser affinity for fire, but all that's really good for is the Paperwork No More justsu."

"How do I find out what my affinity is?" the loud-mouthed twin demanded.

"Save it for when you're a chunin," Sakura ordered. "You need to perfect the basics before you can move on to advanced jutsu."

"You aren't going to enter your team into the exams, are you?" Naruto asked.

"Yes," Sakura replied. "I held them back last year, but I think they're ready this year. Why?"

"No reason," Naruto replied quickly. Would Sakura be upset if her genin got slaughtered? If so, how upset? Would she get over it? Naruto lit another cigarette and sipped his beer as he pondered that.

"You taught Shogo how to use wind element?" the quieter twin asked.

"No," Naruto answered. "He's originally from the Village Hidden in the Sand. Wind affinity is rather common there and they train their genin in relatively advanced jutsu. I just taught him more."

"You're a missing nin?" the non-twin asked.

"Uh huh," Shogo replied. "What? You were expecting something else? Claws, horns, fangs, glowing red eyes?"

"Kind of," the loud twin admitted.

"That's him," Shogo replied, jerking his thumb at Naruto. Naruto bopped him for that one and took a drag on his cigarette.

"I don't have horns," he corrected. "That's Rumiko."

"Right." Shogo sipped his beer. "Say, I've heard a rumor that we're deploying some numbers again."

"What big ears you have," Naruto replied. He glanced at Sakura out of the corner of his eye. "Yukie's thinking about sending a few genin teams to the Chunin Exams in the Village Hidden in the Leaves to scare up some more work."

"Our genin?" Shogo asked.

"Yeah."

"Is that a good idea?"

"No."

"Are we still going to do it?"

"Oh yeah."

"Should I issue a no kill order to my team?" Naruto glanced over at Sakura. They were her genin after all.

"Yes please," she stated.

"You heard the lady," Naruto replied.

"No kill order," Shogo repeated, "got it."

"Don't confuse that with a no harm order," Sakura commented. "I feel that sometimes, the only way to teach a lesson, is the hard way." She glanced at the loud twin. "Especially with that one."

"No problem," Shogo replied cheerfully. "We specialize in hard lessons in this village." Naruto sipped his beer and caught his former student glaring at him.

"Are you implying something?" he asked.

"No," Shogo replied sarcastically, holding up his right hand where there was a scar from a once extremely serious wound on his palm and the back of his hand.

"You learned your lesson, didn't you?"

"Well, yeah, but. . ."

"The hand's still attached, isn't it?"

"Well, yeah, but. . ."

"No harm no foul," Naruto stated. "The worst that came out of it was that you were lonely for a few nights without Mister Righty."

"Oh, cheap shot."

"I don't get it," the loud twin commented. "Was that a joke?"

"Yes," Shogo stated.

"No," Naruto corrected. He finished his beer and glanced at Sakura. "Meet me tomorrow at the Boss's building, okay?"

"Where are you going?" the pink-haired woman asked.

"I have a few things to do and people to see before I leave," Naruto answered.

"Why don't you leave that poor girl alone?" Shogo asked.

"Because she's so much fun to traumatize."

(:ii:)

"Go away!" Rumiko scowled as her boss ducked under the book she had thrown at him.

"Damn it, knock it off!"

"Can't you leave me alone for one day?" Rumiko demanded. She tried to grab another book, only to find that the tome had been pinned to the table with a senbon. "Shit."

"Gonna calm down now, or do I have to pin you down too?"

"You've got five minutes," Rumiko warned.

"Good." Naruto sat down heavily on the couch next to her and she tried not to cower. "Yukie wants to send our genin to the Chunin exams."

"We only have three teams right now," Rumiko commented. "Our first graduating class from the academy will be out in two years. Don't even think of sending them."

"I'm not," Naruto replied. Rumiko raised an eyebrow.

"Gee, is that you actually caring about the ninja you're supposed to be in charge of?" she asked, half hoping, half fearing.

"No. Yukie wants to put on a good show," Naruto replied. "Even though those brats are better than most of the genin we'll find; they still aren't our best."

"You're an evil, heartless bastard," Rumiko growled.

"And you people asked me to be your leader," Naruto sniped back. "What does that say about you?"

"We're dumber than a sack of rocks," Rumiko stated. "Well, we have one team out on a mission right now. The other two are good to go." She produced a book from under her couch and flipped through it. "The teams in village are Shogo's and Kimiko's." She flipped the book shut and considered her boss. "You knew that. Why are you here, Naruto?"

"You're coming." Rumiko stared at the man. And she had so been looking forward to some time without him.

"Why?"

"If we're there in an official capacity, the leader of this village is going to have to be there in the public eye," Naruto stated.

"And you want to continue boozing and whoring," Rumiko replied. "Can't you just wear a mask or something?"

"The village has some of the best trackers in the world," Naruto stated.

"Well, if I go, I'm not going to give up boozing or whoring either," Rumiko stated.

"You don't seem to understand, I don't give a shit about this village's public image. I just don't want to be given up as the leader before I'm ready."

"Two things," Rumiko began. "One, you're a terrible peace-time leader. We probably should have hired someone else instead of officially making you the leader after the war was over. Agree?"

"Not arguing. You want a new job?"

"No. Now, two: why are you hiding who you are?"

"I have my reasons," Naruto replied. "I'll probably be leaving with Sakura tomorrow. I want everybody else to get ready to leave within the week."

"Got it," Rumiko replied. "Anything else?"

"Nope. You?"

"Take Takumi with you."

"Tak?" Naruto asked. "You know, deep down, he's a sweet kid."

"I don't care if he's so sweet he pisses maple syrup, I don't want him anywhere near me without you to control him." Naruto stared at the woman.

"Piss maple syrup?"

"Can we stick to the topic at hand?" Rumiko demanded.

"I don't know, can we?" The woman glared at him. "Hey, I'm not the one who brought up pissing syrup."

"Why do I put up with you?"

"I can ask the same thing," Naruto replied.

"That's easy, without me, you wouldn't get a damn thing done," Rumiko replied. "Not that you actually care about getting anything important done."

"I always get the important things done!" Naruto countered.

"Boozing and whoring aren't the important things." Naruto raised an eyebrow and Rumiko growled. "Well, not the only important things. The world runs on paperwork."

"Not by choice."

(:ii:)

Sakura glanced at the number on the door of the building in front of her and then down at the number on the paper in her hand. The numbers matched, but Sakura still couldn't believe it. The building was definitely the nicest building in the whole village. It was also the address she had been given for Naruto's apartment. "This is nicer than my place."

Sakura got a bit of a start and jumped. Even with her small lead up, she was hard pressed to make it to the top of the four story building in one jump. Of course, when she landed, she almost jumped back off as a senbon flew by her face. "Naruto!"

"Sorry." Sakura took a deep breath and tried to calm her heart. She had been warned about that, but hadn't believed it. "You shouldn't sneak up on me."

"I've been told," Sakura commented. Naruto sprawled back out on the roof of the building and lit a cigarette.

"Who told you where I lived?"

"I am a ninja, you know?" Sakura asked.

"Who?"

"Shogo," Sakura admitted. "I wanted to talk to you."

"Have a seat." Sakura sat down and took the bottle her blond teammate offered her. A quick sip later and she was hacking. "Good stuff, huh?"

"What the hell is that?" Sakura wheezed.

"Vodka," Naruto stated. "Land of Snow specialty. It's got a little more kick than sake, eh?"

"Yeah." Sakura took another sip and handed the bottle back. Naruto sipped it too and set it down. "You come up here a lot?"

"Yep. It's a nice place to drink and listen to the place going to hell down below." Sakura took the bottle back and listened as another fight broke out below.

"What is with all the fights?" she asked finally before taking a long slug on the bottle. "Wooh. I've got to get a bottle of this stuff for Tsunade."

"We can grab it tomorrow," Naruto replied. "As for the fighting, well, that's just what this village is."

"So, they just like to fight?" Sakura asked.

"Look down there," Naruto ordered. "Three fourths of those people aren't from this village, why do you think they're here?"

"Bounty hunting?" Sakura guessed. The blond laughed loudly at that.

"No, nobody is stupid enough to do that here," he explained. "Those ninja are here to fight. This is a city of vice and sin and fun. Ninja come from all over the world to fight and gamble and do all the things that make being a ninja worth while."

"Even murder?" Sakura ventured.

"Meh." Naruto took the bottle back and sipped it. "Law states no murder and nobody smart breaks the law. All the stupid ones get executed too quick to cause any more problems."

"Hey, Naruto?"

"Yeah?" Sakura took the bottle back and took a good pull on it.

"Why did you leave?" Naruto was silent for a while as he stared at the sky overhead and puffed his cigarette.

"Do you remember our last mission?" he asked finally. Sakura considered that as she took the bottle. Their last mission had been an A-rank that took them to the Land of Waves to meet with an informant who had information on Sasuke. It had ended rather poorly when some no-name group of bandits had attempted to attack them. Naruto hadn't taken kindly to that.

"I remember," Sakura admitted. "You killed them all."

"Yeah." Naruto took the bottle back.

"It was the Fox, wasn't it?" Sakura asked.

"Partially," Naruto answered. "Mostly, it was just me. Every time we seemed to get a lead on Sasuke, something always came up. Those idiots popped up and I just hated them so much. The Fox told me to kill them and, for the first time, I couldn't argue with him."

"So, you came here to learn to control the Fox?" Sakura asked. Naruto laughed at that.

"That was what I told Granny, but it's a lie. I didn't actually plan on coming here. I just needed to leave the village and ended up here anyway."

"Why?" Sakura asked. The question had tortured her for years.

"To protect you," Naruto admitted.

"From what?"

"You want the hero version or the truth?"

"The truth of course."

"Of course," Naruto murmured. "I needed to protect you from me." Sakura had to laugh.

"I thought I said I wanted the truth and not the hero version," she stated. "Did you think I was going to be killed for being on a team with you?"

"No, I thought I was going to kill you myself," Naruto stated simply. "I hurt you once when the Fox took over. . ."

"That wasn't your fault," Sakura interrupted quickly. "It was the Fox."

"I know," Naruto stated. "When the Fox took over before, I couldn't really remember what happened too well. On that last mission, I knew exactly what I was doing and I wanted to kill everyone."

"Including me?" Sakura asked.

"Including you," Naruto confirmed. "The scariest part was, I wasn't blinded by the rage. I knew who you were and it didn't matter."

"Oh."

"Yeah, oh." Sakura sat up a little and finished off the bottle.

-End

(:ii:)

-Author's notes. I'll be gone mid to late June.


	6. Chapter 6

I don't own anything.

Nothing but Trouble

-Chapter Six:

"God damn it," Rumiko growled as she turned off Naruto's alarm. She looked around the room and rested one hand on the mattress. It was too cold for anyone to have been in it recently. Rumiko sat down and tried to figure out where her boss was. "The roof!" The idiot had tried hiding up there a few times years ago and ending up there after a night of drinking still wasn't completely unheard of.

Rumiko opened the doors to the balcony and easily leapt the short distance from Naruto's top floor penthouse suite to the roof. What she saw nearly sent her tumbling as she stumbled to a stop. "Oh that just figures."

Her boss was sprawled flat on his back with his old teammate curled up against his side. Rumiko hesitated as she investigated the scene. Either they had had the energy to get dressed after having their fun, rather unlikely from what Rumiko had heard; or, Naruto had discovered some new way of doing the deed while fully dressed, which was not completely unlikely. A third option popped up, but it seemed the least likely of all; that being that they hadn't done anything further and get drunk and pass out together.

It was time to solve this little conundrum. "Wake the fuck up!"

(:ii:)

Naruto opened his eyes and stared at the sky overhead. His head throbbed and he felt around for one of the bottles he had grabbed last night. "Looking for this?" Naruto lifted his head and saw Rumiko, one hand on her hip and the other holding up his last bottle. "You know, drinking doesn't cure hangovers."

"No, but being drunk cures everything," Naruto countered. He spotted another bottle nearby and grabbed it, only to be disappointed by its lack of contents. 'How many bottles did we. . .' His thoughts trailed off as an arm around his ribs squeezed him. There was only one person who could logically be beside him. "Rumiko?"

"Yeah?"

"Who's holding me?"

"Who do you think?"

"I was afraid of that." Naruto looked down and stared at the mop of pink hair on his chest. Oh, so not good. Sakura stirred and Naruto tried desperately to squirm out of her grasp, only to find that damn near impossible. "Fuck. I forgot how strong she was."

"She does have a good grip," Rumiko agreed as she handed over the bottle. Naruto finished it off as Sakura grumbled something and raised her head to stare at him with bleary, half-open green eyes.

"Morning." Sakura's eyes widened and she jumped to her feet so quick that she nearly slammed into Rumiko.

"Careful," the dark haired woman offered, steadying her fellow kunoichi while covertly coping a feel. It probably would have fooled anyone but Naruto.

"This isn't what it looks like!" Sakura declared.

"I know," Rumiko replied. Sakura stared at her for a moment.

"You do?"

"Well, actually, this looks exactly like what it is," Rumiko stated. "If it was what you were thinking, you'd both be naked and there'd be at least one other woman up here." Sakura glanced down at Naruto who grinned bashfully and shrugged.

"I'm more than most women can handle by themselves," he stated as he climbed to his feet. "So, what's with the wake up call, Rumiko?"

"You two are three hours late," Rumiko stated. "Her genin have been raising hell in my office."

"My genin?" Sakura asked.

"Okay, only the one genin," Rumiko replied. "The other two are being pretty quiet, but I think they're pissed."

"That'd be loud twin of course," Naruto commented.

"Loud twin?" Rumiko and Sakura repeated in unison.

"Sure! There's loud twin, quiet twin, and not-a-twin."

"They have names," Sakura stated.

"I'm sure they do, but now they have easier to remember names."

"You're kidding, right?" Sakura asked.

"I wish he was," Rumiko replied. "Used to be, he couldn't be bothered to remember names, so he gave everyone nicknames."

"What was hers?"

"Rug Muncher. Ow! What was that for?"

"Idiot," Rumiko grumbled as she rubbed her knuckles. "Now, if we're through, I think you two have a journey to start."

"Right." Naruto walked to the edge of the roof and dropped down to his balcony with Sakura in tow. At least he had remembered to pack last night. "Now where the hell did I put that headband?"

"It's right here." Naruto turned to see Sakura holding a headband, but not the right one.

"That's not it."

"What?" Sakura looked down at the metal plate bolted to the headband and nearly dropped it. "Is this yours?"

"Yup."

"You can't own a headband from another village!" Sakura yelled.

"Yeah, yeah, yeah. We already went over this with my tattoo." Sakura sighed in annoyance before looking back down at the band.

"What village is this?"

"It's the Village Hidden in the Snow," Naruto explained. "After the war with Earth, we changed our name and location to the Village Hidden in the Springs and adopted our new symbol."

"We?" Naruto went back to hunting for his headband so Sakura wouldn't see him scowl. Being sneaky wasn't his specialty. Being loud and flashy was his specialty.

"Why don't you head over to Rumiko's office?" he asked. "I need to get changed into my op clothes and you need to shut up loud twin."

"We are going to sit down and have a long talk," Sakura stated as she walked to the balcony, "and we are going to do it very soon, as in the moment I'm sure Rumiko isn't going to kill my genin."

(:ii:)

"Where the hell have you been?" Haruka smacked her sister before Sakura could.

"Don't talk to your sensei like that!"

"She's late!" Kaori whined.

"I can't believe you haven't killed them yet," Rumiko commented from behind her desk.

"I had to put up with Naruto for years," Sakura replied.

"Good point." Rumiko promptly snatched up the sword Kaori was playing with and sat back down. "What is with you and swords?"

"Swords are cool," Kaori replied. "So, where were you sensei?"

"I was going over a few things with Naruto," Sakura stated. She noted Satomi staring at her. "What?" Satomi kept staring for a second longer than necessary before answering.

"Nothing."

"So you noticed that vein, huh?" Kaori asked.

"What vein?" Sakura demanded.

"You have a vein in your forehead that bulges when you lie," Kaori answered.

"You noticed that?" Satomi asked in shock. "How did you notice that?"

"I pay attention," Kaori stated.

"You don't pay attention to anything," Haruka stated. "You barely managed to graduate from the academy."

"Don't you dare start with the. . ."

"Dead last, huh?" Sakura turned and saw Naruto crouched in the window sill. He had traded in his khakis, blue flip flops and orange button down for tiger striped BDU trousers, black jika-tabi and a green undershirt.

"Yeah," Kaori snapped defensively, "so?"

"So, nothing," Naruto replied as he stepped into the office and moved to a cabinet against the far wall. "I was dead last." Kaori froze in mid-gesture.

"You were?"

"Yep."

"But, you're. . .you're good."

"I'm the best," Naruto corrected. He glanced at Satomi as he pulled a green chest rig from one of the cabinets and began checking its pouches. "That would make you the head of the class, right?"

"Right," Satomi stated.

"Ah." Sakura was surprised by how quiet it suddenly way. Bringing up Kaori's less than stellar academic performance usually led to hours of tirades about book worms and such.

"You were really dead last?" Kaori asked.

"Yep." Naruto pulled on his rig. He also pulled out a katana and checked its edge before strapping it to his back. Kaori stared at him for a moment. "What?"

"Nothing." Sakura had to smile. She had tried explaining to Kaori that one of the best ninja she knew had been the dead last in his class, but apparently, seeing was believing. Naruto paused and produced a bottle from somewhere.

"I grabbed that vodka for Tsunade."

"I forgot all about that," Sakura admitted.

"You managed to make it from the liquor store to here without opening it," Rumiko commented. "I am impressed."

"I don't drink on missions," Naruto stated as he stretched. "You know that."

"Oh, right. Guess that explains why you can walk in a strait line."

"Ha ha," Naruto deadpanned. "Stay out of my sake while I'm gone."

"No promises," Rumiko shot back.

"Fine." Naruto crossed to the door and paused to look back at Sakura. "What?"

"It's just weird to see you without any oran. . ." she was cut off by the door bursting open and slamming into Naruto.

"Where's Naruto?" Yukie asked.

"Try behind the door," Rumiko suggested. Yukie closed the door and stared at the blond.

"Your nose is bleeding."

"You suck Yukie," Naruto grunted. A balled up paper bounced off his head.

"Don't tell your daimyo she sucks," Rumiko ordered. "God knows there are enough rumors going around about you and her already."

"Big deal. There're rumors about me and just about every woman in this village," Naruto commented.

"Yeah, but this one is one of the few that are actually bullshit."

"Good point."

(:ii:)

Naruto grumbled as he pinched his nose and tried not to bleed on his clothes. "Damn it. I hope this is good Yukie."

"I think so," Yukie replied as she produced a package from behind her back. "I realized that you'd be gone for your birthday, so I figured I'd give you this now."

"Ooh." Naruto snatched up the package and tore into it eagerly. He was left holding a long leather trench coat. "Wow. Where did you get orange leather?"

"Orange cows of course," Yukie replied.

"Ah, of course." Naruto pulled the coat on and smoothed down its lapels. "Fits perfect." He turned back to Sakura. "You were saying something?"

"Never mind," the pink haired woman stated as she pinched the bridge of her nose.

"What do you think?"

"It's very. . .orange," Rumiko offered. "Very, very orange."

"Isn't it great?" Naruto shot his cuffs giddily.

"You're Yukie Fujikaze!" loud twin squealed suddenly.

"I'm going to smack you if you ask for an autograph!" quiet twin snapped. Loud twin hesitated, one hand already in her equipment pouch.

"Uh. . ."

"Of course I'll sign an autograph," Yukie stated. "It's no trouble."

"Thank you!" loud twin sniveled.

"Could I get one too then?" quiet twin asked hesitantly.

"Okay, everybody out! You can beg for autographs where I'm not doing paperwork!" Rumiko snapped. "Except you Pinky!" Naruto shrugged and followed his daimyo out the door.

"So, are you going to do any more Icha Icha movies?" Kaori asked.

"No," Yukie stated. "My advisors say that the new turn the books have taken isn't fit for a daimyo and I have to agree." Naruto grinned and lit a cigarette. "Maybe if you'd tone down the sex."

"Those damn books are selling for the sex," Naruto countered. "Although, I must admit, I never expected so many of my readers to be women."

"You write the Icha Icha novels?" not-a-twin asked.

"Yep," Naruto replied proudly. Not-a-twin glanced around awkwardly for a second before producing an orange book.

"Could. . .could you sign this, please."

"How old are you?"

"It's not mine!" Not-a-twin shrieked. "It's my dad's. I want you to sign it for him!"

"Sure."

(:ii:)

Sakura frowned as she heard someone screaming. That sounded an awful lot like Satomi, but Satomi never screamed. "So, what's this about Rumiko?"

"Naruto," Rumiko said flatly. "Do not let him stop drinking."

"Huh?"

"I said, do not let him stop drinking," Rumiko repeated. "I don't care if you have to toast his old teacher, make him drink." Sakura stared at the woman.

"What the hell is this about?" Sakura demanded.

"This is about you surviving the trip back to your village," Rumiko stated. "Do not let him stop drinking or smoking. Oh, and really don't let him stop fucking."

"Huh?" Sakura managed again.

"I don't care if you have to fuck him yourself." Sakura began to sputter something, but Rumiko cut her off. "Shut up. Listen, Naruto has two modes. One is a party boy. You want that Naruto. That Naruto likes to drink, smoke, fuck, and engage in occasional malicious mischief. Those vices keep his attention away from his other vice."

"And what's his other vice?" Sakura asked.

"Well, to be quite frank, his other vice is killing. That man out there is the living embodiment of death and destruction."

"This is about the fox, isn't it?" Sakura asked, a sudden understanding flooding her.

"You know about him?" Rumiko asked in shock.

"I'm Naruto's teammate, I know all about that damn demon locked up in his gut," Sakura stated. Rumiko snorted.

"I'll let you in on a little secret," she stated, "the fox isn't in his stomach any more." She glanced up at the door.

"What is that supposed to. . ."

"Get out of here before I say something bad and Naruto decides to kill me." Sakura hesitated at the very real fear in Rumiko's voice.

"Well, okay." Sakura pushed the door open and stepped out into the hallway beyond.

"Ready to go?" Naruto asked.

"More than ready," Sakura stated. "This is one weird village."

"It's not as weird as you might think."

-End

(:ii:)

-Author's notes. Alright, sorry about last week. Life guarding is a summer job and it is now summer. At least the money's good. Even with my drinking I've save enough for my next tattoo, which I'm getting slapped on Thursday. If anybody lives in the Tri-State area, I suggest Explosive Tattoos. They're expensive, but they do damn good work.

Anyway, this will be my last update for a few weeks. It's that time of the year again, when the military reminds you that you signed the contract and they can tell you to go where every they want. This time I'm heading for California. Cross country flight. Well, that's what the duty free shop is for I guess. I'll be there for a few weeks and I'll try to update as soon as I get back.

Until then, thanks for reading.

-Jack


	7. Chapter 7

I don't own anything.

Nothing but Trouble

-Chapter Seven:

Sakura watched her teammate as he stared out the window of the train. The entire group had descended into silence. That was never good. It usually meant. . ."Cool boots."

"Uh. . .thanks," Naruto replied, glancing down at his boots. "I used to wear sandals on missions, but I had a few incidents while playing with explosives."

"You lost twelve toes in eight separate explosions," a man in the seat behind Sakura and Naruto stated as he leaned over the back. Naruto promptly stabbed a senbon into the man's arm and pinned the appendage to the seat without sparing the man a glance. "Ah, fuck! You bastard!" Sakura was only momentarily shocked by the unprovoked brutality, before her medic training kicked in. She had seen worse done by best friends in the course of training and the bloodshed really was very minor.

"You should know better, Yasu," Naruto commented. "It's always a bad idea to surprise me."

"I said 'hello' when you got on the damn train!" the man gritted. "I can't believe you stabbed me. . .again!"

"Its s senbon needle," Naruto stated offhandedly. "You don't stab someone with a senbon. You poke them."

"Well, stop poking me!" Yasu snapped as he ripped the needle out.

"Now, children," Sakura cut in as she formed a few hand seals and healed the man's arm, "don't make me turn this train around."

"I like you," the man stated.

"He started it," Naruto deadpanned. "I should also mention that you caused two of those accidents. A lesser man might even think you were trying to assassinate him."

"I'm not stupid enough to try that," Yasu replied. "Besides, if I was going to assassinate you there wouldn't be anything left of you. . .or anything within a two mile radius."

"This is Yasu," Naruto added for Sakura and her genins' benefit. "He's one of the best assassins in the world, as long as you don't mind a lot of collateral damage."

"Bombs are imprecise," Yasu stated cheerfully. "Besides, the man who wipes out entire armies, isn't allowed to criticize anyone for collateral damage." Sakura glanced at Naruto to see if he was smiling, but he wasn't.

"That's not collateral," the blond stated calmly. "That is intended targets being destroyed."

"You destroyed an entire army?" Satomi asked. Sakura couldn't remember the last time she had seen he girl so shocked, or shocked at all for that matter.

"Not an entire army," Naruto protested. "Besides, they started it by invading. I just un-invaded them." Naruto finally grinned, thought it wasn't the smile Sakura was hoping for. It was too wide with too many shiny points. "You're never in the wrong when you fight for the underdogs. Hell, I'm a hero for protecting the poor, little Land of Spring from the big, bad Land of Earth."

"Hero by coincidence."

"Most heroes are by coincidence," Naruto stated, "especially war heroes. Any other situation, they'd be called murders and monsters. After all, when was the last time you heard about a civilian being congratulated for single-handedly killing a dozen people?"

"Murderers and monsters," Yasu mused. "Like you?"

"Exactly," Naruto replied, still grinning.

"You're a freak," Yasu stated. Naruto stabbed him again. "Fuck!"

"I'm a monster," the blond corrected, as he wiggled the needle from side to side. "Besides, who had the second highest body count after me?"

"I never said I was an angel," Yasu gritted as he ripped out the second senbon needle.

"So, you're a missing nin too?" Satomi asked.

"No," Yasu stated. "I was a ninja of the Village Hidden in the Snow. There are only three of us left; me, my sister, and Rumiko. The rest died in the war before Naruto showed up. All the other ninja, except for the genin, were missing nin."

"So, the nice, quiet ninja are missing nin and the violent maniacs are not?" Satomi asked.

"No, the nice quiet ninja are the exception," Yasu corrected. "The violent maniacs are the rule."

"More fun that way," Naruto added. He studied the three genin. "Oh, and don't let Shogo fool you, he's no angel either."

"Wait, we're talking about Shogo?" Yasu asked. "Are you fucking insane? That guys a psycho killer!"

"He plays well with children," Naruto replied with a shrug. "Why else would he be a sensei?"

"Well, considering you stuck him with all the real pains in the ass, I kind of thought you were just being sadistic."

"That would be the smart guess, wouldn't it?"

"And why would you be setting up genin teams?" Sakura asked. Naruto's eye began to tick again.

"Smoke?" Yasu asked.

"Yes please."

"You are horrible at dodging questions," Sakura commented as Naruto and his friend lit their cigarettes.

"I'm not dodging your questions, I'm ignoring them," the blond corrected.

(:ii:)

"You know, that pink-haired chick is kind of nosy," Yasu commented as he watched the female jonin yell at her genins in an attempt to break up the two twins.

"She's a ninja," Naruto stated. They had managed to sneak to the back of the train while the twins were causing a commotion.

"Normally, that's not too bad, but you really are lousy at keeping secrets," Yasu pointed out.

"Shut the fuck up," Naruto ordered. "Oh, and you can forget your mission."

"Huh?"

"The only reason I was sending you was that I didn't think I would be able to get to the Village Hidden in Leaves," Naruto explained.

"Ah, I was kind of looking forward to killing that fluff ball."

"Too bad, he's mine. Head back to the village. Rumiko's probably going to need your help."

"Whatever you say." Up front, the screaming was getting rather out of hand. "Who had the bright idea of making an all chick team, especially one with sisters on it? That just seems like a really bad thing to do."

"Yup." Yasu stared at Naruto thoughtfully.

"I take it we're going to have an all girl team in a few years."

"With sisters if I can swing it," Naruto replied with a grin as he took a drag on his cigarette.

"You and your damn trouble making."

"What? It's fun," Naruto protested. Yasu just shook his head.

"Momma always said to stay away from foxes. They're nothing but trouble, she said." The train began to slow and Naruto climbed to his feet. He walked to the front of the train, brushed past Sakura and jerked the twins apart by their collars.

"Shut up or I'm throwing you both off the train." They both fell silent.

"Wow, I'll have to remember that," Sakura commented. "Where are we?"

"We can't stop here, this is Bat Country!" Yasu called.

"This is not Bat Country!" Naruto snapped. "We passed through that an hour ago. Do you really think I'd let us stop there?"

"I've never heard of Bat Country," not-a-twin commented.

"Right over their heads," Yasu commented sadly. "And, we're in the Land of Earth."

"Why are we stopping here?" Sakura asked.

"People to see, things to discuss," Naruto answered. "Besides, the rail ends in twenty miles."

"I'd rather ride those twenty miles," loud twin commented.

"Think of it as a chance to show your genins a new culture," Naruto added.

"I think we're cultured enough," quiet twin replied. "We really don't need the extra mileage."

"Welcome to the Village Hidden in the Rocks. Get out of my way fucker." The large man who had been in Naruto's way spun sharply to face the blond, his fists already rising to fight. He caught sight of Naruto and the insignia on his coat and threw himself out of the way. "And that is why very bad reputations are very good."

"Naruto, I'm going tie you down and make you answer some questions," Sakura warned.

"Sounds kinky," Naruto replied. "I'll be there."

(:ii:)

Rumiko leaned back in Naruto's chair and sighed. It really was a very comfortable chair. She glanced down at the cards in her hand and grinned before slapping them down. "Strait flush. Ditch the bindings."

"No way," Yui groaned as she examined Rumiko's hand. "You are way too lucky."

"That I am," Rumiko purred as the other women began to unwind the strip of cloth binding her breasts. "That I am." The window behind Rumiko suddenly shattered and a small black disk landed on Rumiko's desk. She picked it up and examined it. "A bingo chip?" She spun and ripped the window open. "Its bingo night, isn't it?"

"Yeah, why?"

"Because that is a big street fight, even for this village," Rumiko stated. She turned back and nearly howled in anguish as she saw Yui redressing.

"I'll go call the repair man."

"You don't have to do it right now," Rumiko mewled, trying not to sound too pathetic.

"Best get it done now," Yui replied as she walked to the door. "Thanks for teaching me how to play poker, Rumiko. It was fun, we should do it again some time." Rumiko watched as the door closed behind her.

"Get your curvy ass back here," Rumiko growled. She turned back to the open window. "Get in here fuckers." One of the eight man village watch squads appeared in Rumiko's office. "Who's in charge?"

"I am. . .erk!"

"You just made me loose the chance for some fine tail," Rumiko hissed as she gave the man's package another none to gentle squeeze. "Give me one reason why I shouldn't kill you."

"Think of my children!" the man squealed.

"You don't have any children," Rumiko snapped, already having recognized the masked man by his voice.

"Not with the way you're squeezing I won't!" Rumiko let the man go and he sank to his knees cradling his abused package.

"Alright, idiots. Listen up! I know Naruto is gone, but this is not the time to start slacking off!" Rumiko roared. "Those things out there are not people, they are animals and you're supposed to keep them in line."

"We were just. . ."

"I don't care!" Rumiko interrupted. "Do you understand how fragile the control in this village is without Naruto? Those bastards are two steps from going on a killing spree! Now get out there!" The ninjas disappeared and Rumiko collapsed back in her chair. "God damn it, it hasn't even been a full day." The door popped open and Yui poked her head in.

"Trouble?"

"The fucking village watch decided to slack off. . .on bingo night!" Yui winced.

"That's not good."

"Nope." Rumiko opened a desk drawer at random and pulled out the bottle she found inside.

"You look tense, how about a backrub?" Rumiko perked up immediately.

"That might help."

(:ii:)

"So, what are we doing here?" Sakura asked. Naruto just grinned. She had sent her genin off to look around, probably so she could tail him more closely.

"It's like I said," he explained, "there are people to see and things to discuss."

"Who to see and what to discuss?" Sakura asked.

"People to see!" Naruto exclaimed. "I already said that." Sakura's eyebrow twitched and Naruto subtly put some extra distance between her and him as he led the way. The pink haired woman took a few breaths.

"What's really going on Naruto?"

"Really going on where?" Naruto asked.

"In the village," Sakura growled. "Rumiko is the Yukikage, but you do the paperwork?"

"Pretty much," Naruto stated cheerfully. "You know I always wanted to be a kage, Rumiko lets me act like one."

"You're lying."

"You can't prove that," Naruto replied.

"Damn it Naruto, we're a team! Why won't you tell me the truth?"

"Why would I tell the truth?" Naruto countered.

"Because we're a team!" Sakura repeated.

"No we aren't," the blond stated cheerfully. "We haven't been a team in a long time, Sakura." He glanced to the side and frowned as he noticed that Sakura had stopped walking and was staring at him. Had that been a bit much? "Come on, I was just kidding."

"You would have never joked about that before," Sakura stated.

"Before what?" Naruto pressed.

"Before you left too." Naruto considered that. This sounded like she was bringing up old hurts that she had buried long ago. It was probably time to stop teasing and start trying to calm her down.

"I'm back now."

"Not by choice." Naruto frowned. She had him there. The blond took a deep breath.

"When we get back to the Village Hidden in the Leaves, I'll explain everything."

"Promise."

"I promise."

-End

(:ii:)

-Author's notes. Guess who has two thumbs and is back from California. That's right, this guy!

Okay, first things first. This one is definitely not my best chapter. I had to rush through it a bit in order to post it. I figured you guys would just be happy to have something to read.

Second things second. California was fun. The first week was mostly work. The second week was mostly binge drinking. And I don't mean that college kid 'I just drank a case of light beer' binge drinking. I mean the 'wake up the next morning and wonder what country you're in' binge drinking. It was so bad we hit the half way point, looked at each other and went 'this is ridiculous.' Then we went 'what the hell else is there to do?' So, I'm back, probably minus a few years from the end of my life. Well, if I die of old age that is.

I'll tell more stories next week. And Happy Fourth of July. Don't nobody blow off any fingers. Lawmakers'll use it to try to ban firecrackers even more.


	8. Chapter 8

I don't own anything.

Nothing but Trouble

-Chapter Eight

Naruto glanced at the building in front of him and shot a look around. Sakura was nowhere to be seen, but she was a good kunoichi, so that didn't mean much. He closed his eyes and tried to catch her scent, but there were too many other smells wafting through the air.

He was fairly sure somebody was watching him. Of course, he was a six foot blond dressed in a bright orange coat covered in markings for the village that all the ninja in the Village Hidden in the Rocks feared and hated. He kind of stood out. Exactly how he liked.

"Ah fuck it." Naruto shrugged and pushed the doors to the building open. He strode in and slammed the doors shut with a bit more force than necessary. He made his way up to the woman seated in one corner and leaned on her desk.

"Do you have an appointment?" she asked without looking up.

"Nope."

"Well, you'll have to schedule one," the woman stated. "The next opening is in two weeks."

"Don't have time," Naruto replied. "I want to see the Tsuchikage now." The woman glanced up in annoyance and her jaw dropped as she saw the Land of Spring insignias on his coat. Naruto grinned toothily as her. He walked past her desk and pushed the door behind it open. "Hello!" To Naruto's surprise, the man in the office was not the short, squat troll he was expecting. Instead, the office's occupant was a tall, strongly built man wearing a mask that revealed only wizened eyes nestled in a mess of wrinkles.

"Ah, Lord Yukikage. So good to see you again. To what do I own this honor?"

"Just visiting," Naruto replied. "And don't call me Yukikage. I hate that name."

"Of course," the Tsuchikage replied. "What can I do for you then, Mister Fox?" Naruto collapsed into one of the seats in front of the man's desk and grinned, and then he frowned.

"Wait a minute. How the hell do you know I'm the Yukikage?"

"Rumor was that the Forest Fox took the role after the war."

"How do you know I'm the Forest Fox?" Naruto demanded. He didn't like being caught off guard.

"I led the army sent to conquer Spring," the old man stated. "I was there when you first appeared, back before you began hiding your identity."

"Oh." Naruto considered that. "Funny, I thought I killed you all." The old man raised his left arm to reveal that it ended in a stump.

"You tried, rather hard I might add, and you failed again."

"Again?" Naruto repeated. The old man pulled off his mask to reveal a visage covered in ancient, healed scars. "You know, I don't want to be called incompetent."

"Give it a shot," the Tsuchikage offered. "Third time's the charm."

"Maybe later." Never trust old people. The only reason they got to be old was that they had outlived their enemies, one way or another.

"You tried about thirty years ago," the old man stated.

"Do I look like I was able to attack this village thirty years ago?" Naruto interrupted.

"Don't patronize me," the Tsuchikage ordered. "My people call you the Forest Fox because they think you're clever. I, on the other hand, call you Fox, because I know what you are."

"I am kind of clever," Naruto commented. "I discovered the staging ground for your counter attack, didn't I?"

"I'm still rather curious about that. Care to elaborate upon your astounding success and near super natural intuition?"

"Trade secrets," Naruto stated. That conversation wouldn't go anywhere good. Naruto never had been good at cover stories.

"You do remember the last time you attacked this village, don't you? You interrupted the treaty meetings between Earth and Fire and caused the Third Great Shinobi War to escalate out of control."

"An out of control war?" Naruto mused. "Imagine that and I didn't cause that war. I merely. . .helped it along."

"Take some responsibility," the Tsuchikage growled.

"I am," Naruto stated with a grin. "Your two countries would have fought eventually anyway. I just sped it up." The old man glared at him. "So, what happened to Onoki?"

"The Former Tsuchikage stepped down. He felt horrendously guilty for the loss of life during our little war. I am Nanbu."

"Ah." Naruto noted the man's pointed glare. "You're kidding, right? You expect me to feel guilty? Do you have any idea how many people I've killed?"

"Well, I can say that you killed two hundred and sixty-three for sure," the Tsuchikage stated. "What did you come here for?"

"I just wanted to warn you that you'll be sponsoring us for the Chunin Exams," Naruto stated. "My daimyo has decided that we should put in an appearance."

"Great, now I have pull my genin out," Nanbu grumbled as he climbed to his feet and shuffled over to a wall of scrolls.

"My genin aren't that bad."

"Your graduation test is that they have to execute an unarmed woman in cold blood," Nanbu growled. "That's worse than the old Mist test."

"It's not a real woman."

"They don't know that," the Tsuchikage countered. "And, from what I hear, every one of your potential genin passed."

"Don't worry, I'm giving my genin a no-kill order." Nanbu turned and glared hard at Naruto.

"Change it to a no-kill and a no-cripple order."

"Fine." Someone knocked and Naruto glanced back to see a masked ninja holding Loud Twin by the scruff of her jacket.

"Uh, hi Naruto."

"I take it this one's with you?" the ninja asked as he dropped Loud Twin on her ass.

"Never seen her before," Naruto replied.

(:ii:)

"You jerk!" Kaori snapped. "You were on a team with my sensei!"

"Yeah, she's with me," Naruto grumbled. "I should leave you here for being caught."

"She's only a genin," the ninja who had caught Kaori commented. Kaori sighed and pinched the bridge of her nose. It was kind of embarrassing to have the guy who caught her trying to defend her.

"With the way you go through woman, I figured you'd start robbing the cradle eventually," the old man leaning against the bookshelf commented.

"Ha, ha," Naruto intoned. It took Kaori a second or two to figure out what he was talking about.

"I'm not sleeping with him!" she shrieked. "He's old, almost as old as your wrinkly ass." The old man's eyes widened slightly and Naruto's face broke into a broad, pointy grin. That was when somebody smacked Kaori in the back of the head.

"Show the Tsuchkiage some respect," the masked ninja ordered. Naruto promptly smacked that man in the back of the head.

"Show my genin some respect." The old man promptly smacked Naruto in the back of the head.

"Show my ninja some respect," he ordered. For a second nobody moved, then Kaori's poor impulse control kicked in and she kicked the old man in the shin. "Ow! You little brat!" Kaori glanced back at her captor, but he was trying too hard not to laugh to hit her again. Naruto shot her a glance and she shrugged.

"He was the only person who didn't get hit and I was the only person who didn't get to hit anyone," she explained.

"God damned Land of Spring," the old man growled as he hobbled around the desk.

"I'm not a Spring ninja!" Kaori snapped, pointing at her forehead protector.

"She has a point, Boss," masked ninja commented. "I mean, everybody else did get hit."

"Shut up Gin."

"Boss?" Kaori squeaked. She suddenly had a bad feeling about this.

"May I introduce my friend, Nanbu, the Tsuchikage?" Naruto asked. Kaori tried to ponder that one out.

"Tsuchikage?" she asked. "Like Hokage?"

"Yes," Nanbu growled as he sat down heavily, "like Hokage. I am the leader of this country's hidden village." Kaori winced.

"That little love tap could be an act of war, couldn't it?" she asked.

"Oh yeah," Gin stated.

"It could, but if I tried to claim anything, I'm sure Mister Fox would be more than happy to demonstrate a real act of war," Nanbu commented. "Now, could you two leave before you cause any more trouble?"

"Come along, my Apprentice." Naruto slung an arm around the young woman and led her out. "So, Sakura sent you to spy on me?"

"Yeah." God, Sakura was going to give her so much shit for getting busted.

"You got busted by this village's ANBU," Naruto pointed out as if he was reading her mind. "So, what do you want to do?"

"Get you some new clothes," Kaori replied. "The camouflage and bright orange are giving me a migraine." Naruto glanced down at his outfit.

"That bad?"

"You definitely need a new pair of pants," Kaori replied. "A new shirt wouldn't hurt either."

"Not a new coat?" Naruto asked.

"Hell no!" Kaori stated. "The coat is awesome. It just doesn't jive with the camouflage. Orange is such a great color!"

"I think you and me are going to get along just fine."

(:ii:)

"Kazuya's team is back." Rumiko glanced up from the pile of paperwork on Naruto's desk and nodded her thanks to Yui.

"Good. We'll be able to leave sooner than we thought." The door to the office banged open suddenly and Yasu stomped in.

"I'm home!"

"And I'm leaving," Yui added as she breezed past her brother.

"What the hell are you doing here?"

"Nice to see you too," Yasu commented as he sat in one of the chairs in front of Naruto's desk. "I ran into Naruto on the train and he told me to come back here. He's gonna take care of the kitty."

"You idiot," Rumiko growled.

"What?" Yasu asked.

"Do you think you wound up on that train with him by chance?" Rumiko demanded.

"Kind of," Yasu admitted.

"You idiot," Rumiko growled again. "I set that up specifically!"

"Why?"

"Because the two of you are horrible influences on each other!" Rumiko snapped. "You were supposed to get him drinking again!"

"Oh, come on!" Yasu countered. "It's not like he's suddenly going to get bored and want to go on a world-ending. . .shit."

"Yeah," Rumiko agreed, "shit."

"Maybe you could have told me this plan of yours earlier," Yasu suggested. The look he got would have killed a smarter man.

" Yui! We are leaving!"

"When?" Yui asked as she stuck her head in the office.

"Now."

"Now?"

"Yes, now," Rumiko growled. "Get the word out. I want us packed and leaving before the sun sets."

(:ii:)

"Where the hell is that girl?" Sakura growled as she looked around the small open-air café that she had adopted as their base of operations.

"She probably got lost," Haruka commented as she sipped her tea. "Either that or Naruto spotted her. Why did we even bother giving her a turn on tail?"

"I did not get lost or caught!" Sakura turned and saw her genin and former teammate standing behind her. "Well, I didn't get caught by Naruto, anyway."

"What are you wearing?"

"Isn't it great?" Kaori asked and she played with the collar of her orange and black jacket. "Naruto gave it to me."

"Girl's got good taste in colors," Naruto replied with a shrug as he sat down. "I'm done with my business here; we can leave at any time."

"Is that your old coat?"

"Yep." Sakura opened her mouth to press further, but trailed off she noticed Naruto's new clothes.

"Go shopping?"

"Yeah, camouflage and orange don't jive," Naruto stated as he glanced down at his new khakis and black button down shirt. "At least, that's what I was told."

"Yep," Kaori agreed.

"So, you got busted?" Haruka asked. "Big surprise."

"In her defense, she got picked up by the village ANBU," Naruto stated as he sat down.

"The village ANBU?" Sakura demanded. "What the hell were you doing?"

"I was spying on Naruto, like you told me to!" Kaori protested. Sakura's jaw dropped and she shot a glance at the blond. He just gave her a look that told her they would talk about that later.

"So, what were you doing that had the ANBU watching you?" Sakura asked.

"He was meeting with the Tsuchikage," Kaori stated. Naruto smacked her on the back of the head.

"Not every question needs you to answer," he stated.

"Meeting with the Tsuchikage?" Sakura asked.

"Just doing a favor for Rumiko," Naruto replied. "Is everybody ready to leave? We have at least three days walk to the boarder."

"Where do you think we should cross?" Sakura asked.

"Grass Country is still allied with Fire Country, right?" Naruto asked. Sakura nodded. "That's probably our best shot. They rebuilt the bridges so it's almost a strait shot through the country."

"Three days?" Kaori whined.

"Three days to the boarder," Naruto corrected. "Probably another day to cross Grass Country and a day or two to get to the Village Hidden in the Leaves."

"We should get a room at an inn," Sakura stated. "We could use a good rest before the journey. Maybe two days."

"If that's how you want it," Naruto replied with a shrug.

"Sounds good to me!" Kaori cheered.

"I won't argue," Haruka added. Sakura glanced at Satomi who just shrugged.

"Looks like we're staying here for a little while."

(:ii:)

Naruto glanced around his room and slipped his new coat off. He folded it carefully and laid it over the back of a nearby chair. It really was an awesome coat. "Naruto?"

"Come in." The door slid open and Sakura stepped into Naruto's room. "Am I going to have to worry about more spies running around?"

"No," Sakura replied. She produced a bottle and a pair of glasses from behind her back. "Have a drink with me."

"I don't drink on missions," Naruto stated as he unbuttoned his new shirt and hung it up in the provided closet. It was more to take his mind off the sweet siren song of booze than any other reason. He tugged at the collar of his undershirt and stared at the blood seal over his heart. It had been itching recently.

"This is hardly a mission," Sakura pointed out as she sat down at the small table against the wall and used her foot to push out the only other chair. "Missions usually involve something a little more dangerous than a few blisters." She poured two glasses. "How about a toast? To Jiraiya." Naruto studied her carefully for a second before sitting down and picking up the offered glass.

"To Jiraiya." They both drank. "So, that's what Rumiko wanted to talk to you about." Sakura tried to hide her surprise, but it didn't fool Naruto. "What did she tell you? I'm a split personality, half wild partier and half psychotic monster?"

"Something like that," Sakura admitted.

"I'm not some schizophrenic," Naruto stated. "They think I am."

"Why?"

"It's makes it easier for them to comprehend who I am," Naruto replied.

"Rumiko is actually scared of you, Naruto," Sakura stated.

"Of course she is," the blond stated with a grin. "They all are. When they first met me, I was a tad. . .over exuberant. I guess, I made a bit of an extreme impression on them."

"What is going on, Naruto?"

"I said I'd answer that later," Naruto replied. Sakura poured another round. Naruto had to grin. So, she thought she could get him drunk and pump him for information? An old trick, but a good one. . .unless your opponent had an iron liver. Poor, poor Sakura. She was about to find out the hard way that Naruto could easily out drink even her mentor.

-End

(:ii:)

-Author's notes. Okay, I am officially back now, liver, more or less intact. California was certainly an experience. The first week was nothing but work. The second week was nothing but partying. I spent two hundred dollars on liquor and beer in one week. That's at the liquor store, mind you, not the bar.

The most interesting part was for about three days we couldn't go to the chow hall without someone famous dying. First Ed, then Farrah, than Jacko. I thought it was over when I got home, but then Billy died. I'm gonna miss him the most.

Unfortunately, due to my job being a summer job, I didn't really have time to reread this. So please excuse the occasional fuck up.


	9. Chapter 9

I don't own anything.

Nothing but Trouble

-Chapter Nine

"Naruto!"

"I didn't do it, Rumiko!" Naruto looked around the room he was currently occupying and rubbed his tired eyes. To his relief, Rumiko was not currently looming over him. "Ah, just a dream." Then Naruto's door burst open.

"Damn it, are you ever. . ." Kaori trailed off as a senbon damned near lobotomized her. She turned slowly and stared at the silver spike embedded in the doorframe. "Wow, you are good." Naruto considered pointing out that he had missed, but decided against it.

"Yeah, let's go with that." Kaori's head snapped around and she glared at him.

"Wait, did you just try to kill me?"

"Uh. . .no?"

"You did!" The covers beside Naruto flipped down and Sakura sat up.

"Shut up, Kaori!" The genin's jaw shut with a click that was audible from where Naruto was.

"Sorry, Sensei," the girl managed to squeak. "I'll just be going now." She tried to slide the door shut and frowned. "The door's stuck."

"What?"

"The door's stuck," Kaori repeated. "Naruto pinned it open with his damned poker." A pair of groggy, green eyes turned to glare at Naruto.

"In my defense, I was trying to nail her medulla oblongata."

"Ah-ha! You did try to kill me!"

"Shut up!"

"Sorry." Sakura glared at her student a second more before collapsing back on the bed.

"Fuck it. I'm too hung over to deal with this."

(:ii:)

"So," Kaori began.

"Shut up Kaori," Sakura ordered without lifting her head from the table. "One word and I will end you."

"Right," Kaori squeaked. Beside Sakura, Naruto simply continued putting away his third bowl of ramen.

"Well, this is familiar," a new voice stated. Sakura looked up and stared at the scarred man standing across the table from her. "Only, the last time Rumiko was the drunk."

"Who the hell are you?" Sakura demanded.

"That's my buddy, Nanbu," Naruto explained through a mouthful of noodles.

"That's right, just your buddy Nanbu," the old man grumbled. "I get no respect from anybody around here; I don't know why I'd expect it from you."

"Nanbu, this is my old teammate Sakura and her genin team."

"Nice to meet you," Sakura managed through her pain. God, she hadn't had a hangover like this in years.

"Is it?" Nanbu asked. "You look distinctly unwell."

"Hey, wait!" Kaori interrupted. "You're the Tsuchikage!"

"The Tsuchikage?" Sakura repeated.

"Yeah," the old man stated. He glanced around Sakura's table and his face paled. "Oh God, there are two of you." It took Sakura's muddled mind a moment to figure out what he was talking about. Fortunately, Haruka was a bit quicker.

"What did you do?"

"Nothing!" Kaori snapped. "I didn't kick him in the shin."

"You kicked the Tsuchikage in the shin?" Sakura asked.

"Damn it," Kaori gritted.

"You aren't exactly the brightest one here, are you?" Nanbu asked.

"Nah, but that's probably why I get along with her so well," Naruto pointed out. "So, what's up Stumpy?"

"I hate you so much," Nanbu growled. "I'd send every assassin I had after you if I thought it would do anything."

"You mean, you haven't been?" Naruto asked, sounding rather wounded.

"What?"

"I've had a bunch of assassins swing by lately," Naruto stated. "I kinda thought they were from you. It was kind of nice, sorta like "Hey, thinking of you. Still wishing you were dead."

"Well, Jesus, if it means that much to you, I'll send an assassin tomorrow."

"You don't have to," Naruto replied forlornly.

"No, I want to, really." Nanbu stared at Sakura's teammate for a long time. "You have got to be the weirdest motherfucker I have ever met, bar none."

"Thanks," Naruto replied, sounding genuinely touched. "I guess I can execute all those guys now."

"You imprisoned assassins because you thought they were mine?" Nanbu asked.

"I was going to give them to you for Christmas!" Naruto stated cheerfully.

"Excuse me," Sakura interrupted, "is there any particularly good reason why you're trying to kill me teammate?"

"Yes," Nanbu stated calmly, "he slaughtered over two hundred and fifty of my fellow villagers." Sakura turned and stared at Naruto in shock.

"Oh, come on," the blond whined and Sakura let out a sign of relief. This was Naruto! Of course he wouldn't. . ."you're making it sound like I killed innocent civilians. I killed your ninja." Naruto seemed to notice Sakura's stare. "What? We've gone over this before and I have a distinct feeling that we're glossing over the whole invasion of a foreign country for loot and plunder thing. In that case I feel the need to reiterate, I killed invading soldiers, so I'm still the good guy here."

"You killed two hundred and fifty. . ."

"More like two hundred and sixty something, but who's counting?" Naruto asked.

"I was," Nanbu stated dryly.

"Other than him," Naruto added without missing a beat.

(:ii:)

"So, what's eating you Stumpy?"

"A little birdie told me that you were planning on hanging around here," Nanbu replied.

"Aaah, you sound like you don't want me around," Naruto replied with a pout.

"While I always welcome the leaders of foreign villages I am allied with, whether I had a choice or not in the alliance, I would very much like to. . .why are you making that face?" Naruto grimaced and glanced at Sakura, but the sudden revelation of his position didn't even raise an eyebrow.

"What?" the pink-haired woman asked. "Oh, sorry. Was I supposed to be surprised here?"

"When did you figure it out?" Naruto asked.

"A while ago," Sakura stated. "You aren't a great liar, Naruto."

"You know, some people consider honesty a valued trait," the blond grumbled.

"Those people aren't ninja," Sakura pointed out.

"Nor are they in politics," Nanbu added.

"You two suck."

"Wait, Naruto's the Yukikage?" Kaori shrieked.

"You didn't know?" Satomi asked.

"I have no idea how you got through the academy," Haruka added.

"As I was saying," Nanbu stated before Haruka and Kaori could start bickering, "I want you gone now, before you break anything or anyone."

"Well, it's a long way to Fire and everybody voted to rest," Naruto stated. "Unless you can fly us there, we're crashing here for a little while."

"How about a train instead?" Nanbu asked.

"Your train tracks aren't finished," Naruto stated.

"That's what we've been telling everyone," Nanbu replied smugly.

"Well, I guess I have to kill my chief spy in this village," Naruto grumbled. "So, where does this train end?"

"The boarder of Grass Country and Fire Country," Nanbu replied. "Grass Country was most enthusiastic about our benevolent choice to help their infrastructure by building railroads."

"I'll bet they were," Naruto commented. "Make it real easy in the next war. Of course, those tracks are going to attract demo and sabotage teams like ticks to a dog."

"Well, that's Grass's problem," Nanbu replied with a shrug.

"What next war?" Sakura asked suddenly.

"You know, the next war," Naruto replied vaguely.

"What next war?" Sakura repeated. "There aren't any wars going on right now."

"There are two civil wars, four ethnic cleansings, and three coup attempts going on right now," Naruto stated. "Of course, those are in minor countries that you've never heard of, so who cares?"

"Thought there were four coups," Nanbu commented.

"The rebels in Moss Country got Fire Country's backing," Naruto stated.

"Didn't Moss have a kind, benevolent daimyo?" Nanbu asked.

"And now they have a genocidal dictator, but he's friendly to Fire Country, so it's all good," Naruto answered.

"You both know that's not what I meant," Sakura growled.

"Yeah, we do," Nanbu agreed. "As for the next war; well, there's always a next war. I don't know any specifics, but I do know its coming."

"Why does another major war have to be coming?" Satomi asked. "The last war was supposed to end that kind of global conflict."

"And the war before that was supposed to do the same thing," Naruto commented. "Anyways, in order to avoid a whiny Nietzsche rant about how bad people are and how pointless it all is, I'm just going to say that the economies of all the elemental countries depend on wars. It's kind of hard to run a country on C and D-rank mission pay."

"Nietz-who?" Kaori asked.

"Some dude who people quote to make themselves sound smart," Naruto explained.

"Like Machiavelli," Sakura added.

"Macha-velli-what?" Naruto asked.

"The guy you've based your entire leadership principle off," Nambu replied. "You know, 'It's better to be feared, than loved,' and the whole idea that nothing is immoral if it protects the balance of a state?"

"I like him already," Naruto commented with a bright grin.

"Now back to the topic. While I hate agreeing with Mister Fox, he is most certainly right," Nanbu agreed. "The world used to be different, but now our economies revolve around war more than any other product."

"That's a horrible way of putting it," Sakura growled.

"The world is a horrible place," Nanbu replied.

"I don't know, I kind of like it," Naruto argued.

"That proves my point," Nanbu stated.

"Dick."

"Anyway, while it's been lovely chatting, I really do want you gone," Nanbu commented. "When can you leave?"

"When can the train be ready?" Naruto asked.

"It's ready now." The door to the inn opened and a young ninja walked in. He quickly made his way to the Tsuchikage and whispered something in the scarred man's ear. "What?"

"Problem?" Sakura asked.

"The train was stolen," Nanbu stated.

"I didn't do it," Naruto replied automatically. Nanbu glared at him. "What? I didn't. It sounds like something I'd do, but it really wasn't me this time."

"Wait here, I'm getting your ass out of my country if I have to drive you out on a handcart myself!"

(:ii:)

"So, when did you figure it out?" Naruto asked as he sipped a cup of sake. The genin had gone upstairs to pack their belongings.

"I got a might suspicious when Rumiko nearly tripped over her own feet when you introduced her as the Yukikage," Sakura commented. "She also doesn't strike me as the type to have such a messy office, or to paint the walls orange." Naruto grinned sheepishly and rubbed the back of his head.

"If you've known my secret all along, what was last night about?"

"Can't it be about drinking with old friends?" Sakura asked. Naruto wasn't impressed, his raised eyebrow said so. "Fine." The pinkette turned and met his eye. "You are horrible at lying," she stated, "but I've never seen anyone better at twisting the truth."

"Ah, I should have known not to play with a woman. You and your ilk will always be the masters and myself a humble amateur."

"And you try to distract me," Sakura added. "Every time I try to talk to you about the past, you open your mouth and the truth comes out, but I can always tell that it's not the entire truth." Naruto pulled back in surprise. "You can fool all those people in your village, or maybe you don't even bother trying with them, but you can't fool me, Naruto. We were teammates once and we were friends." Naruto had to smile.

"Not anymore?" he asked.

"I don't know, Naruto. Are we?"

"I told you I'd tell you when we got to the village," Naruto stated.

"I guess you'll have to come up with a new lie pretty quick, huh?" Sakura pressed. "It looks like you won't have as much time as you thought." Naruto's eye ticked.

"You won't like the truth," he commented.

"Maybe not, but I hate lies," Sakura replied.

"What's wrong with lies?" Naruto asked. "All good and lasting things in this world have a strong foundation in lies. Your whole world is based on lies. If the truth were to ever come out, everything would fall apart. I never could comprehend why you people couldn't understand that and go with it."

"Trust doesn't come from lies," Sakura pointed out.

"Trust comes from belief," Naruto corrected. "You trust your friends because you believe in them. You trust a liar to lie because you believe he will. You don't trust a traitor to help you because you can't believe that he won't betray you again no matter what he says. It's all about belief."

"So, what can I believe in you to do, Naruto?"

"You can believe in me to do exactly what I think is best to keep me most amused," Naruto stated seriously. Sakura stared at him blankly until the door to the inn burst open. "Find the train?"

"Nope!" Nanbu replied. "I got a new one! No expense spared. . .to kick you the hell out."

"You know, I'm actually a pretty fun guy to be around when you get to know me," Naruto replied.

"And when you aren't directly or indirectly killing my ninja," Nanbu commented. Naruto just grinned and poured himself a new saucer of sake.

"So any ideas what happened to that damn train?"

"According to most of my people, it 'vanished."

"Trains don't vanish," Naruto pointed out. "At least, I don't have any vanishing trains. Do you?"

"I think R&D is trying to cook something like that up, but I don't really pay attention to their presentations any more," Nanbu replied. "At least, not since they couldn't figure out a way of killing you."

"Cut them a break. Better men than them have tried," Naruto replied as he poured another saucer. "And I'm still here."

(:ii:)

"I can't believe we just stole a train."

"Shut up Yui," Rumiko ordered.

"Oh come on, this is just such a Naruto thing to do," Yui continued cheerfully.

"She has a point," Yasu stated, "for once. I mean, what would the Boss say?"

"Before or after the hysterical giggling and claims that all is going to plan in his corruption of everyone's sanity?" Rumiko asked dryly. "Besides, the train was just sitting there ready to go. I consider it a sign from some higher power."

"I'm serious though," Yui continued, "we're just walking along and we come upon a train. You ask one of the guys if it's ready to go and when he says yes, you beat the shit out of him and all his cronies. Then you tell us to get on. That is the definitive Naruto."

"I'm kind of worried that those assholes are going to recognize you as Naruto's aide," Yasu commented. "Far be it from me to stop an international incident, but don't you think the Boss would be kind of pissed to not be involved in an act of war. . .for once?"

"Two things," Rumiko replied. "The first, their eyes never left Yui's tits. The second, I don't think they're going to run back to their boss and tell him that a girl beat them up."

"What do you think they'll tell him?" Yui asked.

"They'll probably say the train vanished or something stupid like that," Rumiko answered. She glanced at Yasu. "So, you're sure you know how to drive this thing?"

"Well, I was railing this female conductor," Yasu replied. "Get it? Railing? Female conductor?"

"Yeah," Rumiko replied dryly. "We get it. Now can you drive this damn this?"

"I got it moving didn't I?" Yasu asked proudly.

"You did, but can you make it stop moving?" Rumiko asked.

"Heh." Yasu's bright grin was not reassuring.

"We're all going to die, aren't we?" Yui asked.

"Well, probably not all of us," Yasu replied. "I, for one, fully intend to jump off this damn thing at the first sign of a cliff."

"Yeah, we're probably all going to die," Rumiko agreed. "Even if I have to nail Yasu to the floor."

"I'm going to start looking for that brake now," Yasu stated.

-End

(:ii:)

-Author's notes. Well, it's been a while now, hasn't it? Sorry about the delay. Having a job that you have to get up for at zero dark thirty kind of kills your plans. Once you're off, all you want to do is sleep and once the nap's over, it's almost time to go to sleep for the next day. Oh well, at least they pay good.

You know, I'm getting a real Three Stooges vibe from Rumiko, Yasu and Yui. I think I'm probably going to run with it.

As for everybody who just can't wait to get to the Village Hidden in the Leaves, relax. It's coming. As for everybody wondering if Naruto really is a monster or full of shit, relax. It's coming too. Suddenly, violently, and all over the place.

P.S. Despite all the time, I'm trying to proof read this tired and partially drunk, so there are bound to be mess ups. Not an excuse, but. . .actually, fuck it. That is an excuse.


	10. Chapter 10

I don't own anything.

Nothing but Trouble

-Chapter Ten:

"I can't believe that we have a train all to ourselves!" Kaori squealed.

"Enjoy it," Naruto replied. "All it cost was a couple hundred people's lives." Kaori hesitated for a second before settling into her seat.

"You can be such a killjoy," she grumbled.

"Your joy-fu is simply weak grasshopper," Naruto shot back. He glanced out the window and grinned. "Hey, Sakura!"

"What?" Sakura snapped, jerking awake and looking around wildly for an enemy.

"Still not over last night?" Naruto asked.

"No," Sakura said blandly. "Now, what is it Naruto?"

"Have a look outside. Does that bridge look familiar?" Sakura glanced out the window and quickly shied back.

"That's a long drop." Naruto glanced down into the valley they were passing over.

"Scared of heights?"

"No, I'm scared of being stuck in a giant metal coffin going over heights," Sakura replied. She took a deep, calming breath and looked out the window again. "That bridge does look vaguely familiar."

"Well, the last time you saw it, it was pretty badly trashed," Naruto hinted. Sakura's eyes widened as she recognized the bridge where Naruto and Orochimaru had fought years before.

"So, we're in Grass Country?"

"About half an hour to the boarder with Fire," Naruto replied.

"Why was the bridge trashed?" Kaori asked.

"You don't have to get involved with every conversation going on around you," Haruka sniped.

"The bridge was trashed because I trashed it," Naruto answered, quickly heading off the fight before it could begin. Rumiko would have had kittens if she had seen how many fights he had been intervening in lately. Naruto Uzumaki, Mediator of Family Disputes. That was just too damned weird. "I was fighting a really powerful bad guy. You know that crater we passed a ways back?"

"You caused that?" Satomi asked. "That crater was a mile in diameter." Naruto just grinned at her bashfully. "You actually aren't all talk, are you?"

"Not by half."

"You're one of those walking weapons of mass destruction my dad railed against when I told him I wanted to be a ninja, aren't you?"

"Don't be silly," Naruto stated. "That implies that there are other people on this planet even close to my level."

(:ii:)

"We're almost home!" Kaori cheered. "The first thing I'm going to do is. . ."

"Go to a debriefing," Haruka interrupted. The loud twin nearly stumbled over her own feet.

"Huh?"

"We have to go to a debriefing," Haruka stated.

"Can't that wait?" Kaori whined.

"Don't those two ever shut up?" Naruto wondered.

"Says the man from the Village Hidden in the Never-Ending Bar Fight," Sakura commented.

"The fights in my village usually don't involve shrill, high-pitched screaming matches," Naruto countered. "Well, unless Yui gets involved."

"There it is!" Naruto glanced up and stared at the walled village in the distance.

"Home," Sakura commented. "Right, Naruto?"

"Huh," Naruto grunted. There was a strange feeling in the pit of his stomach. He could feel it rising, faster and faster until. . . "Bwa-hahahahaha!"

"And now he breaks down into evil cackles," Satomi deadpanned. "I think I'm just going to go on ahead."

"I'm going with her," Haruka added quickly.

"Uh. . .Naruto?" Sakura asked as the two genin walked away at speed.

"I'm. . .happy to be back?" Naruto replied. Sakura and Kaori continued to stare at him. "What?"

"You really are some kind of crazy, violent dictator, aren't you?" Kaori asked.

"I'm not a dictator, I was elected," Naruto corrected. "Now, if we don't hurry, we'll miss happy hour!" Sakura watched her teammate saunter off in the direction two of her genin had gone.

"Sensei?"

"Yeah?"

"Naruto's really cool, but sometimes I think he's kind of scary," Kaori commented.

"Yeah." Sakura sighed in annoyance. "Come on, time to go follow the scary nutcase before he runs off to play in some bar instead of going to a debriefing."

"Is letting him run off really such a bad idea?" Kaori asked. Sakura hesitated and considered that. "I mean, do we really need to have him with us for the mission debrief?"

"You know what? I don't think we do."

"Sounds good to me!"

(:ii:)

Haruka looked up at the gates of her village and sighed in relief. "Home."

"It is nice to be back," Satomi allowed.

"Meh, looks boring." Both girls jumped and turned to stare at the man between them that had not been there a few seconds ago.

"When did you. . ." Haruka sputtered.

"Just now," Naruto interrupted.

"How?" Satomi managed. She, for one, was not used to being snuck up on.

"I walked," Naruto answered. Satomi stared at the man in shock for a second before frowning. She glanced back into the village and studied Hokage Mountain for a moment before turning back to Naruto. "You are annoyingly observant."

"What?" Haruka asked. Too shocked to say anything, Satomi just pointed at the monument. Her teammate glanced at the monument for a second. "I don't get it." She turned back and her jaw dropped. "You're the Fourth. . ." Naruto clamped a hand over the girl's mouth and grinned brightly at a couple people walking past them into the village.

"You know, when you discover something very important, you should try not to blurt it out," he stated. "And no, I'm not."

"You look just like him," Satomi stated.

"Trust me, me and that fucker, no relation," Naruto stated. "Actually, I really hate that guy. He screwed me over bad. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have something of incredible importance to do." He promptly strolled through the gates, brushed past the gaping guards, and disappeared into the village.

"You saw it, right?" Haruka asked.

"The only difference was the whisker marks," Satomi confirmed. "Even the hair style was the same. On a side note, did we just get snuck up on by a man dressed in bright orange?"

"Why are you two standing here like you just saw a ghost?" They both turned and saw their sensei standing behind them.

"Nothing," they stated in unison.

"Does this nothing have something to do with Naruto?" Sakura pressed.

"Maybe," Haruka allowed after a moment. Sakura sighed in annoyance.

"Which way did he go?"

"He said he had something of incredible importance to do," Satomi answered. "Is he going to report to the Hokage?"

"Nope," Sakura replied.

"What's more important than reporting to the Hokage?" Haruka asked.

"To Naruto? Ramen."

(:ii:)

Naruto stared suspiciously down at the steaming bowl that had been placed in front of him. "I can't believe you're finally back!" the waitress exclaimed happily. "You are back, right?"

"Sorry, Ayame. I'm only here temporarily," Naruto stated.

"Damn. You know, when you left, our business was halved," Ayame commented. Naruto chuckled and slurped a big mouthful of ramen. "Are you okay?"

"Yes," Naruto managed to squeak.

"Are you crying?" Ayame pressed.

"No. Maybe. Yes. It really is that good!" Naruto declared as he shed manly tears of joy.

"I take it you want more."

"As many as possible, me dear!"

(:ii:)

"So, what are we going to tell her about Naruto?" Haruka asked as Sakura led her team through the halls of the Hokage's Tower.

"What do you mean?"

"What are we going to tell her about why he's not here?" Haruka simplified.

"We'll tell her he's out getting ramen," Sakura stated. "She'll understand."

"She'll understand that he is skipping out a meeting with the Hokage in order to get ramen?" Satomi asked.

"Pretty much," Sakura replied. They walked into the antechamber. "Hey Shizune."

"Sakura," the older woman returned. "Can I take it that Naruto's back in the village?"

"He is," Sakura replied. Shizune's face split into a wide grin.

"Out getting ramen, I assume." She didn't even bother waiting for a response. "Go on in." Sakura nodded her thanks and pushed open the doors to the Hokage's office.

"We're. . ."

"Where's Naruto?" Tsunade demanded.

"Where do you think?" Sakura shot back. The blond stared at her for a moment before realization donned on her features.

"Ramen?" she asked.

"Probably." Tsunade sat down heavily and blew out an annoyed sigh.

"I don't think I've ever been passed over for a cup of noodles." She glanced up at Sakura. "Anything to report?"

"You could say that."

(:ii:)

"Here we are." Naruto managed to stagger up the familiar stairway towards the Hokage's office. After he tripped a third time, on the fourth step no less, he decided that he really didn't like stairs, though he wasn't really in any shape to jump up to the windows.

"Naruto?" Naruto glanced up and stared at the dark-haired woman at the top of the stairs. "Oh my God, it is you!" She tramped down the stairs and wrapped him in a big hug. Naruto squeezed her back automatically before holding her at arm's length.

"Shizune?" She gave him a bright smile and Naruto gave her another squeeze before staggering to the bottom of the staircase. It was much better to walk down them before he managed to fall down them.

"Are you drunk?"

"Mmmmaybe," Naruto admitted.

"You do know that Sakura's team reported in hours ago don't you?" Naruto frowned. Had it been hours? He had stumbled upon a rather shady watering hole near Ichiraku's and had a few drinks. Things got a little fuzzy, but a good time had been had by all. Well, maybe not all, but he had certainly had fun. "You are drunk!"

"A little," Naruto replied. He held her at arms length again before pulling her into another tight hug. "It's great to see you again." The blond felt the building tension leave the woman's frame. Let it never be said that Naruto didn't know what made women tick, or at least how to defuse them. "Is Granny up there?"

"She and Sakura went out drinking to talk about things away from her Genin team," Shizune answered.

"Well then my dear! We must find you wayward Hokage!"

"You're using this as an excuse to go barhopping with me as your guide, aren't you?" Shizune asked dryly in a moment of clarity.

"Silly woman, I have no need to make excuses for my drinking!" He slung an arm around her shoulders and pulled her tight to him. "I do need a guide though. Now off we go! Tallyho!"

(:ii:)

"You don't understand, Sensei. He's so different."

"He blew me off to get ramen," Tsunade pointed out as she put away another bottle. "Sounds like Naruto to me."

"Maybe you should slow down," Sakura suggested. The older blond was swaying in her seat like a ship at sea.

"No way!" Tsunade announced. "It's Friday!"

"It's Tuesday," Sakura corrected. Her sensei stared at her for a long few seconds.

"Really?"

"Yeah." Tsunade stared at the bottle in her hand for a moment before shrugging and finishing it. Sakura sighed and sipped her own saucer at a much more sedate pace. That was when the door to the kunoichi bar burst open. She spun and sighed in annoyance as she saw Naruto stagger in with a red-faced Shizune at his side. "Oh, damn." Naruto quickly spotted her and waved energetically, nearly knocking himself and Shizune off their feet.

"Hi Sakura!" Sakura pinched the bridge of her nose as she felt a migraine come on. She stood quickly and made her way over.

"How much have you had to drink?"

"He has drunk more than Tsunade ever has in one night," Shizune stated.

"Wow," Sakura admitted. The dark haired woman shrugged off Naruto's arm and stepped forward to stare Sakura in the eye.

"No, you don't understand. The amount of alcohol he has in his system right now would have knocked Tsunade out hours ago." Sakura actually contemplated that and she had to admit that that amount of alcohol did boggle the mind.

"Hey, we're looking for Granny, have you see her?" Naruto slurred.

"Yeah, she's over there."

"No? Well, guess we'd better get a few drinks and continue on."

"I said she was over there!" Sakura snapped.

"Oh, here she comes."

"Naruto!" Sakura watched in detached horror as her sensei grabbed Naruto around the neck and shoved his head into her impressive cleavage. At that moment, she decided that she really could just walk away.

"Lady Tsunade! That's not appropriate! Sakura, help me!"

"Damn it," Sakura murmured. "I'm sure she'll let go eventually. Besides, Naruto's probably enjoying himself." Naruto managed to flash her a thumbs up before putting his hands on Tsunade's shoulders and trying to push her away. It took about a minute for him to realize that he couldn't get away and he began to flail in panic. Sakura stepped in and tried to tug on Tsunade's arm, only to frown. "Wow, she's really got a good hold." Suddenly Tsunade jumped and giggled.

"Naruto, you naughty boy!" The other blond managed to escape and gasped for air.

"What did you just do?" Sakura asked.

"I did what I had to do!" Naruto snapped back between wheezes. "Uh, I think she's about to pass out." Shizune managed to get an arm around the Hokage before she hit the floor. "Wow, she's wasted. What do the villagers think?"

"You're joking, right?" Sakura asked. "Have you got her Shizune?"

"Yeah, I got her," Shizune replied. "Have you got him?"

"He's still moving under his own power," Sakura stated with a shrug. Shizune stared at Naruto for a moment before shrugging and dragging her befuddled mentor out of the bar. "How many bars have you hit up?"

"A few," Naruto replied. "Well, a few more than I knew were in this village." He looked around. "Is this a lesbian bar?"

"I would smack you if you weren't so drunk," Sakura replied. Naruto staggered to the table she had been sharing with Tsunade and began sorting through the bottles. "This is a kunoichi bar Naruto." Naruto just ignored her as he found a full bottle and took a sip. "Have you even found a place to stay yet? I mean, you know your old place is condemned, right?"

"Well, it was when I lived there," Naruto answered. He finished his bottle and began looking for another one.

"So, you need any help?"

"No, I'm good. I just need to find a nice young lady friend."

"And how are you planning on doing that in your condition?" Sakura asked.

"Watch the master at work," Naruto stated. "And pay attention, you might learn something grasshopper." He spun suddenly and stabbed his finger at a woman sitting alone by the window. "You! Can I interest you in a night of carnal pleasures?"

"You really think you can go all night?" the woman asked with an amused smirk. Naruto stared at her for a moment.

"Oh, sorry. I forgot this isn't my village. You see, in my village, when I ask a lady for her company, she usually asks one or more of her friends to come along. I'm a bit much for most women to handle by themselves."

"You talk a good game, kiddo. I guess I can give you a shot." Sakura watched as the two strolled out before pinching the bridge of her nose as she felt her migraine gaining force. Of all the women in the Village Hidden in the Leaves, Naruto would pick Anko Mitarashi.

-End

(:ii:)

-Author's notes. Holy shit, what a week. On top of my bronchitis, which cleared up after I bought a pack of cigarettes (give me a break people, I haven't smoked in a month), my little brother got sick. Now, that's not entirely unusual. He doesn't handle being sick very well, so I kind of dismissed his whining. Then I get a call at work saying that he's in the hospital. That was when I figured it might be serious. He's home now, no worse for the wear.

Anyway, as usual, I didn't have the most time to proofread, so there are errors. Feel free to point them out, but don't forget to mention what you think of the chapter. Those 'you misspelled this word, haha!' reviews aren't really all that helpful in the long run. Come to think of it, they aren't all that great in the short run either.


	11. Chapter 11

I don't own anything.

Nothing But Trouble

Chapter Eleven:

Rumiko watched in growing horror as people ran around the Hokage's office in barely contained panic. From what she could gather; an entire sector of the village as well as one condemned building had burned down, twenty civilians, five Chunin and a pair of ANBU had been hospitalized, one bar had been wrecked so bad that the structural integrity of the building was being investigated and someone had vandalized the monument to the Hokages. "Are you thinking what I'm thinking?" Yui asked.

"Naruto's here," Rumiko confirmed. "Although, I'm wondering why they're so freaked out about the Hokage monument."

"I asked one of the Chunin," Yui stated. "Apparently, they've had an ANBU guard watching that thing ever night for years, so it's been a long time since somebody covered it in graffiti."

Why would they put an ANBU guard around a monument in the middle of a village?" Rumiko asked. "I mean, are they expecting somebody in their village to attack the thing?"

"Well, years ago there was some kid in the village that they called the demon brat. He used spray paint that thing once a week," Yui answered. "Now they keep ANBU there to keep kids from trying to out due that kid."

"Demon brat," Rumiko wondered, "Naruto?"

"Well, he must have been a kid at sometime, right?"

"I don't know, although vandalism is a little. . .mischievous. I mean, nobody even gets hurt. Does that sound like Naruto to you?" Rumiko asked.

"Nope," Yui admitted. The door to the secretary's antechamber opened and a massive scarred man with a bandana around his head walked in. He grabbed a couple of the ANBU and pulled them aside, though Rumiko could here them from where she was sitting.

"Have either of you seen Anko?" the scarred man asked.

"No sir," one of the ANBU replied. "Have you tried her apartment?"

"First place I checked," the scarred man stated.

"It's not like she's never blown off work," the other ANBU commented. "She's probably got her hooks in some poor guy."

"Despite the rumors about her," the scarred man growled, "Anko is a professional. She has been working on a subject for days and would not leave the job unfinished."

"I think they're going to be busy around here for a while," Yui stated, interrupting Rumiko's eavesdropping. "You want to go get lunch?"

"Sure, why not?" Rumiko asked. "I saw a little ramen stand a couple blocks that way."

(:ii:)

Naruto groaned and pushed himself into a sitting position. God he was sore. The woman beside him snorted and opened an eye blearily. "Oh, my head."

"Lightweight," Naruto managed as he climbed to his feet and found his pants. "Jesus, what did we do last night?"

"I don't know," the woman stated. "I remember sex, fighting, more sex, some drinking, and for some reason we had a quickie on Hokage Mountain. After that it gets even blurrier."

"Quickie." Naruto scratched his chin as he tried to recall said encounter. "I remember us going to a dango shop and you attacked somebody for being a smart ass." The woman stared at him for a moment before grinning.

"I remember that!" she exclaimed. "Fox and Hound showed up to and you beat them up. Then we had some fun with the dango." Naruto thought hard. He did recall certain sexual acts involving syrup. Had that been dango syrup? It seemed possible. "Damn, it's almost noon. I'm late for work."

"Sorry."

"Totally worth it." Naruto moved to the bedroom window and glanced out. The spray painted visages of the former and current Hokages did not escape him. Behind him he heard the woman climbed out of the bed and stalk over to him before throwing her arms around his neck. "You're a keeper! What are you doing tonight?"

"You want to go again?" Naruto asked in shock.

"I want to go again right now, but I really do have to get to work," the woman replied. "I'm Anko, by the way."

"Naruto." Naruto frowned as he considered her name. There was something familiar about it. It hit him at about the same time it hit her and they both sprang apart, pointing accusatory fingers at each other.

"You!" they declared. After a moment of shocked disbelief, Anko grinned.

"I knew you tasted familiar."

"And you were scarier when we first met," Naruto added.

"I'm still really scary!" Anko protested. "Right now I have a guy in my office who wets himself every time I walk into the room!" Naruto stared at her contemplatively for a moment. "Too much?"

"Actually, that's kind of hot." Anko grinned brightly again and stood on her toes to kiss him. "You know, I think you'd better take a shower before work." Anko's grin became more of a leer.

"Will you be joining me?"

"I thought that went without saying," Naruto replied. "How about we go grab lunch afterwards?"

"Sure. It'll be my lunch break by then anyway."

(:ii:)

"Here you go, young lady."

"Thanks." Rumiko favored the friendly ramen chef with a smile before looking down at her lunch. "This looks really good."

"Best in the world!" the chef declared proudly before heading back to his cooking.

"Have you ever heard of diet ramen?" Yui asked.

"No." Rumiko slurped up some of the noodles.

"Well?"

"Wow."

"Good, huh?" Yui asked.

"Huh?" Rumiko managed brilliantly as she tore her eyes away from the cute waitress's ass. "Oh, the ramen. Yeah, it's great."

"Keep it in your pants." Rumiko yelped and would have knocked over her ramen if not for a hand snatching it out of her reach. She spun and pointed an accusatory finger at the man who had snuck up on her.

"You!"

"Me," Naruto confirmed. "You guys got here fast."

"We stole a train," Yui stated before Rumiko could say anything. "Well, actually, she stole the train." Naruto stared down at Rumiko in shock.

"You stole the Tsuchikage's train?" he asked.

"It was necessa. . .erk!" She was cut off as Naruto threw his arms around her.

"I'm so proud!"

"Gee, should I be jealous?" Rumiko managed to push her boss away and glanced over at the new speaker, though her eyes stayed firmly below the new woman's neckline.

"Hi, I'm Rumiko," she declared thrusting her hand out.

"That one's mine," Naruto interrupted as he sat down. "Hey, Ayame." To Rumiko's eternal annoyance, the cute waitress smiled brightly at the blond.

"Hey, Naruto! Your usual?"

"Absolutely."

"I hate you," Rumiko stated. "Why do you get all the girls?"

"Women are stupid," Naruto replied sagely. "I mean, honestly, I'm an ass. Why do so many women like me?"

"You are a great fuck," the other woman pointed out as she sat on Naruto's other side.

"That's Anko," Naruto added. "Anko, this is Rumiko."

"So you're Naruto's latest," Rumiko stated as she shook Anko's hand. "Gee, what does that make, two hundred something?"

"You're only encouraging her," Naruto commented. Rumiko sighed in failure and went back to her ramen. She frowned at something in the back of her memory clawed to the surface.

"Anko?"

"Yeah?"

"You know a big guy with a bandana?"

"That's Ibiki," Anko explained.

"He was looking for you at the Hokage's office." Anko pouted.

"Better make mine to go, old man!" The chef nodded and poured the woman's ramen into a cup. "I'll see you tonight, Stud." Rumiko felt an eyebrow raise as the purple haired woman strutted out of the shop after a few seconds of tonsil hockey with Naruto.

"Tonight? She wants another go?"

"Yeah, weird huh?" the blond asked. "I think I'm in love."

"What would you know about love?" Rumiko sniped.

"Question," Yui stated quickly, heading off an argument before it could start.

"Yes?"

"I understand the fighting and the burning down buildings, but what's up with painting that stupid monument?" Yui asked.

"Burning down buildings?" Naruto asked. "Which buildings?"

"An entire sector of the village burned down," Rumiko stated. "You don't even remember that?"

"Oh, come on! What proof do you have that it was. . ." he trailed off as Yui and Rumiko stared at him. "Okay, yeah. It was me. . .probably."

So, what's up with the monument?" Yui pressed. "I mean, that's so. . .harmless. Hell, the whore makeup was actually pretty funny."

"I can be funny!" Naruto protested.

"True, but normally a person has to have something wrong with them to find your jokes funny," Rumiko interrupted. Naruto pouted and scratched at the countertop with one fingernail.

"You laugh at my jokes."

"Well, obviously there's something wrong with me," Rumiko stated. She frowned as she finished her ramen. "I've got a meeting with the Hokage."

"No you don't." Rumiko stared at the blond. "Sakura figured it out. She's probably already told Granny that I run things back in the Village Hidden in the Springs. Want to come along though?"

"Sure, what the hell?"

(:ii:)

"Here we are." Naruto stepped into the antechamber and frowned as someone grabbed him by the lapels of his coat. "Hi Shizune. Watch the collar, this coat was a gift."

"You!"

"Me."

"You!" Shizune managed to pry her hands away from his coat and took a few deep, calming breaths. "Do you know how embarrassing last night was?"

"You did her too?" Rumiko asked. Naruto frowned and scratched his chin.

"I have no idea. Did I?"

"What?" Shizune asked blankly. Her eyes widened suddenly and her face turned an even brighter red. "No!"

"So that Anko chick took you on all by herself?" Rumiko asked. Naruto nodded. "Huh. She wasn't even walking funny." Shizune looked back and forth between the two in confusion for a second.

"Wait. You slept with Anko?"

"Well, after all the other things we did, sleep was pretty much a necessity," Naruto stated. He slipped past her and made for the door. Rumiko quickly grabbed him by the shoulder.

"Naruto! You can't just barge. . ." she was cut off as the door slammed open and Tsunade appeared.

"Naruto!" She threw her arms around him and gave him a tight bear hug that managed to catch Rumiko as well since she had been behind the blond.

"Hey Granny. Can you let go? I think you just broke my secretary's back."

"Huh?" Tsunade peeked over his shoulder and her eyes widened. She quickly let go and Rumiko slumped slightly, massaging her sides. "Sorry!"

"No problem," Rumiko managed. "I think you just cracked a few of my ribs."

"If you broke her, I demand Shizune in trade," Naruto stated.

"You can't have Shizune!" Tsunade exclaimed. "I need her! The whole village would collapse if she wasn't here."

"I wouldn't mind working under the Hokage," Rumiko volunteered.

"I bet you wouldn't mind working under her," Naruto commented. Tsunade raised an eyebrow, obviously expecting some kind of inside joke.

"Wait, why do you have a secretary?"

"You don't know?"

"Know what?" Tsunade asked.

"Huh. I would have thought Sakura told you last night."

"She might have," Tsunade admitted. "I was a little tipsy."

"You were drunk off you ass," Naruto corrected.

"So were you," Shizune commented. Naruto just grinned and shrugged.

"Well, since I don't remember, why don't you reiterate?" Tsunade asked.

"I'm the Yukikage." The older blond stared at him for a long moment.

"I know I should be surprised, but I'm not."

"Is that good or bad?" Rumiko asked.

"I don't know," Tsunade admitted as she retreated into her office and waved them in after her. "God, I need a drink." Naruto followed after her and presented the woman with the bottle he had bought at Sakura's suggestion. "Thanks."

"Compliments of me and Sakura," Naruto offered as Tsunade uncapped the bottle and took a long drink before coughing. "That's not sake."

"No kidding," Tsunade sputtered, vodka dripping down her chin. "What the hell is this stuff?"

"Specialty of Land of Spring," Naruto stated proudly.

"So, you're the Yukikage," Tsunade stated.

"Yep."

"The Leader of the Village Hidden in the Springs?" Tsunade pressed. Naruto nodded and the Hokage took another, much longer drink. "Oh, boy. Do I even want to know how that happened?" Naruto just shrugged. "The council is going to raise hell."

"Sorry." Tsunade took another drink and grinned suddenly.

"I'm not. It's always fun riling up those old goats. Let me guess, you want to enter your Genin in the exam, right?"

"I personally couldn't care, but Yukie thinks it'll look good," Naruto answered.

"You're going to need the backing of three major villages," Tsunade stated. "It's a new safeguard after what happened during your exams."

"No problem. You, Nanbu and Gaara."

"Gaara, creepy redhead who crushes people with sand, Gaara?" Rumiko asked.

"He's not that bad," Naruto replied dismissively.

"Compared to you. And who's Nanbu?" Rumiko pressed.

"He's the new Tsuchikage. The guy you stole the train from."

"I guess that counts," Tsunade admitted, choosing to ignore the comment about a train, "although, the council is not going to be happy about you leading a rival village."

"Isn't there a treaty between Spring and Fire?" Naruto asked.

"It's unofficial bond of friendship, Boss," Yui stated. "Technically, we are competing villages, even if our geographical separation keeps us from competing directly."

"Meh, what can they do?"

"They can try to declared you a missing nin and put a price on your head," Tsunade stated flatly. "I wouldn't let that happen, but lately Danzo's going around my orders a little."

"You let him get away with that?"

"He's not doing anything illegal," Tsunade replied. "He's just interpreting my orders a little loosely."

"God, I would have had his head on a stake for that in my village!" Naruto declared. "Want me to kill him?"

"Naruto!" Rumiko snapped.

"Now, now. Let's not throw out a perfect good option," Tsunade interrupted as she rubbed her chin. "I'll have to think about this one."

-End

(:ii:)

-Author's notes. Sorry about last week. It was the Marine Corps Birthday Ball. So, yeah. I was drunk as fuck. As always, there were many an amusing scene; from a Gunny doing the running man, to the entire unit doing the electric slid and cha cha slide. Although, the funniest story goes like this: we had an open bar for one hour. Not much time, so we made the most of it. I personally packed in ten beers. Than we head inside for the guest of honor's speech. Usually, these speeches are funny as hell. This year, the man droned on and one and on. By the time our CO tapped him on the shoulder pretty much everybody was head bobbing. The rest of us were waiting to use the bathroom. As soon as the speech was over, about forty people shot to their feet and made a beeline for the head.

After that I killed half of case of beer and a fifth of Jameson I had up in my hotel room. Things get kind of blurry, but I do remember a bunch of us screaming Living on a Prayer by Bon Jovi. Oh, and I had a very good cigar. It wasn't a Cuban because that would imply illegal importation.

On that note, I noticed quite a bit of anti-smoker hate going down last time. I have taken it all under considered and decided to continue doing what I enjoy, namely smoking. To clear this up, I am not addicted. I can go weeks without smoking. I simply continue to smoke because I like it. I know that seems odd to the generation raised on Truth ads, but we smokers know what we're doing to ourselves. Yet another person telling us how bad it is, is not going to make us stop. Sorry health crusaders.

Until next time folks!


	12. Chapter 12

I don't own anything.

Nothing but Trouble

-Chapter Twelve

"So, that's your story?" Tsunade asked.

"Well, that's the one I'm sticking to," Naruto replied. Tsunade studied him shrewdly for a moment, but he just grinned brightly for her. Finally, she let out an annoyed sigh and sipped the small glass of vodka she had poured herself.

"Let me see if I can summarize this tale of drinking, debauchery and friendship through fistfights," she said after a moment. Naruto nodded. "You went to find Masashi and stumbled upon Rock's invasion of Spring. Naturally, you being you, you decided to intervene and pretty much halted the attack by yourself."

"He did," Rumiko confirmed, "rather messily at that."

"Spring then gathered an army of mercenaries and missing nin and you led this force on a counter attack into Rock."

"If by led you mean was at the front and not actual ordering people around, then you've got it," Rumiko stated before Naruto could say anything. "I was actually in charge of the army."

"Hey! I led the team that destroyed the enemy's counterattack before it could even be launched," Naruto protested. Rumiko's eyes narrowed.

"You never came clean about how you knew the counterattack was using that ramen festival as a cover for its staging ground," she commented.

"I told you, it was instinct!" Naruto insisted.

"You snuck off to go eat ramen with a couple of buddies, didn't you?" Tsunade asked. Rumiko smirked and Naruto sighed. He was never going to hear the end of it now.

"Shut up, Rumiko," he added as a preemptive strike. "And it wasn't just ramen, it was over thirty different kinds of ramen."

"After your invasion. . ."

"Counter-invasion," Naruto interrupted. "We were attacked first. We're the good guys."

"After your invasion, Rock surrendered and your army of missing nin decided to stay on as ninja of the Land of Spring," Tsunade finished, "and Yukie and the ninjas asked you to run the village."

"It wasn't our brightest move," Rumiko grumbled.

"You want the damn job?" Naruto demanded.

"Hell no!" Tsunade finished her glass and poured another.

"How the hell do I break this to the council? They're going to go after you loaded for bear." Naruto grinned brightly.

"Naruto, you can't kill their council," Rumiko warned. Naruto pouted.

"God, do you kill all of your problems in your village?" Tsunade asked incredulously.

"No, just most of them," Naruto stated. "The village watch takes care of the rest."

"I get first pick," Rumiko added. Tsunade sipped her drink again as she pondered that.

"That must be nice."

"Oh, it is." Tsunade finished her second glass and a smile curled across her face as she considered the possibilities. "Get out of here. I have to think of a way of bringing this up without starting a civil war here."

"You should wait for tomorrow when the other Kages arrive," Rumiko suggested. "If Naruto really is buddy-buddy with multiple village leaders, your council really won't be able to say much." Tsunade smirked again.

"I like her, Naruto. She's sneaky."

"I'm sure she likes you too," Naruto replied, accepting the smack he got for that.

"Swing by later," Tsunade called as Naruto and Rumiko made their way to the door. "I want to talk to you about something."

"Sure thing." The entire building suddenly rocked as an explosion went off nearby.

"What the hell was that?" Tsunade demanded, shooting to her feet.

"That could most definitely not have been me blowing up the Daimyo's wife's cat because I've been here for the past two hours," Naruto stated.

"You just blew up that damned cat?" Tsunade asked in shock.

"Of course not," Naruto replied.

"This might not be so hard after all," Tsunade mused aloud. "You just got real popular with every ninja in this village."

(:ii:)

"Do you know the meaning of the word overkill?" Rumiko demanded as she stalked along at Naruto's side.

"Figuratively or literally?" Naruto asked.

"That crater was two feet deep!" Rumiko shrieked.

"Yeah, I didn't use enough," Naruto grumbled unhappily. He had been hoping for four feet deep and a nice pink mist. Instead he had gotten only two and a few discernable kitty parts. That was the last time he used an explosive tag he hadn't personally made. "This place is too peaceful."

"Don't you try to do anything more to change it," Rumiko ordered. "This is kind of nice."

"The quiet will get to you too, sooner or later," Naruto countered. He considered her carefully. "Maybe it already is."

"I'm not like you, I can live in peace," Rumiko shot back.

"No you couldn't." Rumiko scowled and followed him in silence for a few seconds. A few seconds was longer than Naruto could stand. "So, found any lesbian bars yet?"

"No."

"Convinced Yui you're really a lesbian?"

"No. She still thinks I'm joking." Rumiko was silent again and Naruto shot a glance over his shoulder. Rumiko had a smirk on her face and a far away look in her eyes. "Some day I'm going to pin her down and rip her clothes off with my teeth." She quickly snapped back to the present and glared at him. "You are not allowed to imagine that."

"Sure," Naruto replied quickly.

"And you are not allowed to write it down in your damn smut books."

"You'll never know if I do," Naruto commented. He paused and smirked at her. "Oh, wait. You have the whole series, don't you?" Rumiko's jaw dropped.

"How do you know that?" she demanded. After a moment's pause she sighed in annoyance. "You didn't know that, did you?" Naruto shook his head. "I can't believe I fell for that."

"Neither can I," the blond admitted cheerfully. "You want to get some ramen?"

"You and your damned ramen," Rumiko grumbled. "There are better things for dinner Naruto."

"Blasphemer," Naruto countered as they fell back into their usual routine of insult and counter insult. "You know, you're really grouchy, grouchier than normal. You need to get laid."

"No argument there." Rumiko glanced around and watched as the nightlife of the Village Hidden in the Leaves slowly crept to life. While she loathed admitting it, there was something special about home.

"Hey guys!" Naruto turned and smiled as he saw Yui walking towards them.

"Having a good time?"

"It's too quiet here. Have you two found any good bars to party in?"

"Told you so," Naruto stated as he turned and began leading the two women towards Ichiraku's. Oddly, Rumiko had nothing to say. "Did you heard that, Rumiko? I said, I told you. . ." he trailed off as he glanced over his shoulder and found the woman missing. "Rumiko?"

"Back there Boss," Yui stated. Naruto glanced up and saw Rumiko following a pair of youngish civilian-looking women who were making their way down the road holding hands. Rumiko was obviously hoping they'd lead her to a lesbian bar.

"You're really reaching on that one, Rumiko!" Naruto shouted. She turned in step and shrugged.

"I'm desperate!" Naruto just shook his head in annoyance and started off in the direct of his favorite ramen shop again.

"What's that all about?" Yui asked as she followed Naruto.

"One day, you'll get your head out of your ass and figure it out."

(:ii:)

"Well, Sakura, I don't know what to tell you," Ino stated. "If Lady Tsunade isn't worried, I don't think it's all that serious."

"Lady Tsunade was blasted out of her mind," Sakura mumbled as she slurped up a mouthful of noodles. During Naruto's long absence, Ichiraku's had become something of a favorite eatery of hers. The small ramen bar had a lot of fond memories. "She tried to kill him with her tits."

"Wouldn't be the first time that happened, just more literally than most cases."

"I am not stupid, Naruto!" Sakura whipped around in time to see her old teammate stroll in through the flaps with a blond woman Sakura recognized from the Land of Spring.

"If you were any dumber I'd have your tubes tied to keep you from reproducing," Naruto stated.

"That's Naruto?" Ino asked in shock. Sakura glanced at her friend and sighed in exasperation as she watched Ino run an appraising eye over Naruto. "Wow. Is he single?"

"Don't start," Sakura ordered flatly. Naruto plopped down at the bar not far from her, too wrapped up in his argument to notice her presence, and ordered beef ramen with extra beef.

"You know, if you would just tell me what all this is about. . ."

"I shouldn't have to tell you," Naruto interrupted. "Are you a ninja or not? Look beneath the beneath! Hell, you don't even have to do that. She's been throwing it in your face for years!"

"What has she been throwing at me?" Naruto's friend demanded.

"Evening Naruto," Sakura offered.

"Hey Sakura," Naruto returned quickly. "All I'm saying is. . .oh. Hey Sakura!"

"You were saying something about seeing beneath the beneath," Sakura suggested. Naruto grinned sheepishly and scratched the back of his head.

"Sorry. That's my secretary Yui," he added.

"I'm Sakura," Sakura stated as she shook the woman's hand. "I thought Rumiko was your secretary."

"Rumiko is more of my. . ."

"Slave driver," Yui suggested.

". . .slave driver," Naruto stated. "She tries to get me to finish my paperwork. Yui actually. . ." he trailed off and stared at the woman. "What the hell do you do?"

"The paperwork gets delivered to me and I stack it on your desk," Yui stated. "It's a pretty sweet job. The pay is really good. Putting up with you is an A-rank and I really don't even have to put up with you much. You usually only last an hour and a half before you bolt."

"Putting up with him is an A-rank mission?" Sakura repeated.

"Paid by the day," Yui confirmed. Sakura turned and stared at Naruto.

"Why is being your secretary an A-rank mission?"

"Because none of his other secretaries were smart enough to know to bring him ramen a lot," Yui stated. "They had it coming."

"That's what I thought," Naruto admitted. "It's not like I killed them or anything. All I did was. . ." The blond trailed off and looked around.

"All you did was. . ." Sakura pressed.

"You smell that?"

"Smell what?" Yui asked.

"There!" Sakura jumped as Naruto spun and bolted out.

"What the hell was that?" she demanded.

"He does that," Yui replied dismissively.

"Where'd Naruto go?" Ayame asked as she set down a pair of bowls.

"He just ran out on ramen," Sakura pointed out. Yui stared at her for a second before glancing down at the bowls.

"Oh shit." She shot to her feet and ran out after her boss.

"That was weird," Ayame commented.

"Yeah," Sakura agreed.

"Did I just get ignored?" Ino demanded.

"I. . .I'm gonna duck in the back," Ayame stated quickly.

"He just ignored me!" Sakura sighed and pinched the bridge of her nose as she felt a migraine coming on.

(:ii:)

"God damn it Naruto! Slow the hell down!" Yui was not in bad shape. Hell, she was one of the fastest ninja in the Village Hidden in the Springs. Sadly, the difference between one of the fastest and the fastest was rather severe. Yui rounded a corner and nearly slammed into her quarry. "Naruto, what's going on?"

"Shut up." Naruto's eyes were close and he was focusing. Yui had seen this trick before. He was looking through the eyes of all his clones and trying to sift through all the data without losing his mind. . .well, more than he already had. "Got her."

"Her?" Yui demanded. "Did you run out on a bowl of ramen to go skirt chasing?"

"Kind of." Naruto leapt to the top of a nearby building and Yui got a bit of a lead up in order to match his bound.

"Kind of?" she pressed.

"Remember that assassin Rock sent after me?" Naruto asked. "The one who's sword I took."

"The one you keep throwing?" Yui demanded. She did remember that woman. The assassin had been a bit of a mystery. She had been sterile, no village markings, and extremely dangerous. Rock had never come clean about who she was or where she was from. "Wait, are we chasing some chick you already killed?"

"Looks that way," Naruto answered.

"Naruto, you ripped her head off."

"I fought a guy that I tore two hearts out of before I finally just blasted him into a pulp," Naruto stated. "Ninja are really weird sometimes, though this one would be the first to survive a beheading."

"I guess." Yui looked up and saw the mob of orange-clothed clones on a nearby building top. They hopped over and Yui frowned as she recognized the ninja in the middle of the circle. It really was that assassin.

"So, I have a few questions for you," Naruto stated.

"You killed my sister," the woman hissed.

"Well, that answers one," Yui commented. "You noticed her headband, didn't you?"

"Of course I noticed her headband," Naruto snapped. Yui sighed. He hadn't noticed. "Hey, she's wearing a Hidden Leaf headband!"

"You don't say." What happened next was way to fast for Yui to follow. All she saw was the aftermath of the kunoichi falling to the ground minus her head. "For God's sake, Naruto!" He boss turned and Yui quickly shut up. The left side of his face was a mess of lacerated flesh. "Suicide by cop?"

"Looks like it," Naruto allowed, his voice garbled by his sudden lack of cheek. "Maybe she was hoping to take me down too."

"Since Rumiko's not here to freak out, I guess I have to point out that we just murdered a ninja of the village we're staying in," Yui commented.

"We nothing. I murdered the stupid bitch in self defense. That kind of makes it not murder. I think." Naruto looked down at the head in his hand. "Come on, time to go find Rumiko. This girl thought getting herself killed would get her away from my questions."

"Forgetting something?" Yui asked, toeing the corpse at her feet. Naruto had managed to only cleave off the top of her head, leaving her lower mandible where it was.

"Right." Naruto ripped the lower jaw away from the body. After a moment's thought, he also took the woman's sword. "You lot, take care of her."

"Got it boss," one of the clones stated.

"Ah, fuck that," another clone complained. Naruto quickly beheaded him.

"God I hate that guy."

"Isn't he you?" Yui asked.

"Exactly."

"What?"

"He's me," Naruto stated. Yui decided to just drop the topic. She knew this wasn't going to go anywhere good.

"Uh, don't you want to do something about your face?" Yui asked. Naruto glanced back at her and she noticed that his wounds had already stopped bleeding. Even as she watched, his sealed left eyelid filled out and opened to reveal a new eye with a bright crimson iris and a slitted pupil.

"I'm fine. What do you take me for, human?"

-End

(:ii:)

-Author's notes. Well, here we go. Sorry about the lack of updates. Classes are coming to and end. Naturally, that means a shit load of work and an even bigger shit load of drinking. I've also been wasting too much of my life in front of my PS3 and Modern Warfare 2.

And another thing! It's Christmas. You know what that means, Toys for Tots. Go out and pick up a new, unwrapped toy and either find a drop box or take it to your nearest Marine Reserve station. The economy is pretty shitty, so we're hard up for toys, not that we aren't always hard up for toys.


	13. Chapter 13

I don't own anything.

Nothing but Trouble

-Chapter Thirteen

Rumiko was depressed. Naruto had been right; she really had been reaching with her latest attempt to scare up some kind of female companionship. The two young women had been heading for a double date with their respective boyfriends. Now Rumiko was slumped at a bar, staring at her drink and ignoring the man beside her. What part of "fuck off and die" didn't he comprehend?

"Rumiko!" Rumiko tried to hunch herself further into her seat. Maybe he wouldn't see her. "There you are!"

"Here I am," Rumiko grumbled in defeat as she turned to face her boss.

"Good. Now come on," Naruto ordered. "I've got somebody I need you to question."

"Hey buddy, I was talking to her." Rumiko had to smile as her wannabe paramour's show of insolence brought Naruto up short. He wasn't used to being talked to that way. Unfortunately, his shocked silence didn't last.

"Wow, what part of "fuck off and die" don't you comprehend?" Now it was the man's turn to fall into shocked silence as Naruto used the exact words Rumiko had used not twenty minutes prior. It was with her boss thusly distracted that Rumiko made her bid for freedom. "Oh no you don't."

"Let me go, Naruto!" Rumiko ordered. "I'm pissed off, repressed, and my buzz is fading. You'd better. . ."

"Shut up," Naruto cut in as he hoisted her over his shoulder and made for the bar's entrance. "Besides, I found you a nice young lady to talk to."

"What?" That was not what Rumiko had been expecting. She quickly went over all the ways that his statement could not mean what she hoped it meant. Unfortunately, the alcohol in her system washed away all, but the best scenarios.

"Is she pretty?"

"Yup, tall, blond and top heavy; just how you like them," Naruto stated as he made his way out of the bar and down the street, ignoring all the stares he was receiving. "Ah, there she is." Rumiko was unceremoniously dumped on her ass and quickly shot to her feet as she looked for the promised blond. Her eyes fell on Yui.

"You finally convinced her I'm a lesbian?" Rumiko demanded eagerly.

"Nope. She's still thick as a rock, or in denial. One of the two. Now if you'll follow us, we'll introduce you." Rumiko followed her boss and her former teammate into a rather expensive-looking hotel and up to the penthouse. By the time they reached the top floor, Rumiko's buzz was gone and reality was setting in.

"There is no blond, is there?" she asked sadly.

"Of course there is!" Naruto announced as he took a storage scroll from Yui and spilled its contents on the floor. Rumiko could only sigh as a blond-haired head plopped to the floor at Naruto's feet.

"You said she had big boobs." Sometimes there really wasn't any way to deal with a situation other than deadpan snarking.

"Well, she used to, but she lost a lot of weight recently," Naruto stated.

"You also said she was tall," Rumiko added.

"She was wearing heels when we met," Naruto explained. "I guess they made her look taller than she was." Rumiko toed the head and frowned.

"She looks familiar. Wait, I know this chick! Didn't you kill her before?"

"That was her sister," Naruto stated.

"Oh. So, were you trying to be ironic with the decapitation?"

"Huh?"

"Oh course not," Rumiko groused to herself. "You don't even know what irony is, do you? Irony is tearing a woman's head off because you already did that to her sister."

"Oh. No. She jumped at me and it just kind of happened."

"Ah." Rumiko probably would have done the same in that situation. She picked up the head by its hair and took note of the missing lower jaw. Naruto noticed and quickly snatched it out of her hands.

"One second." He rooted through the pocketed of his coat and came up with the missing mandible. He fitted it into place. "All better. Right?" He flapped the jaw with his hand and squeaked 'Right' in a feminine voice out of the corner of his mouth. Rumiko stared at him for a long moment before breaking into hysterical giggles.

"I think you broke her," Yui commented.

"I broke her years ago, she's just good at hiding it," Naruto corrected.

(:ii:)

"It's no go, Boss," Rumiko stated as she glared at the head sitting across from her. The head glared right back.

"I thought you could drag answers out of anybody," Naruto commented.

"I can, normally," Rumiko answered. "There's something keeping her from explaining everything."

"What kind of something?" Naruto demanded.

"Probably a seal somewhere," Rumiko replied. "You're a seal master, you know that good seals remain even after death."

"So, she's useless."

"She's useless," Rumiko confirmed. Naruto growled and lit a cigarette as he sat on the window sill. "What are you thinking?"

"She's a ninja of the Leaf," Naruto stated. "It's reasonable that her sister was one too. Why would the Leaf try to kill me?"

"I didn't think you took attempts on your life so personally," Yui commented.

"Well, I don't," Naruto admitted, "normally. I do take it very personally when the other guy is supposed to be my friend." Rumiko nodded her understanding. Naruto had always been most harsh on traitors, which was rather odd considering most of the ninja of the Spring could be considered traitors to their original village. "Isn't there a treaty between Fire and Spring?"

"Unofficial," Yui clarified. "We have a bond of friendship, but there's no treaty."

"What the hell's the difference?" Naruto demanded.

"A bond of friendship means we don't attack them and they don't attack us because we're friends. A treaty means the same thing only instead of friendship, its legal obligation that keeps us from fighting. Unfortunately, not everyone thinks that friendship is more powerful than politics."

"I noticed," Naruto stated as he climbed to his feet. "Yui, figure out who this chick was. I want her name and confirmation that she really is a ninja of the Leaf. If she is, find out what branch she's working for."

"Got it," Yui replied as she too rose to her feet.

"And where are you going?" Rumiko demanded.

"Oh, I just want to have a word with the Hokage," Naruto stated.

"You are not allowed to torture the Hokage," Rumiko announced.

"Because she's the Hokage, or because she's got big knockers?" Naruto asked.

"Isn't that a little immature?" Yui asked as she opened the door. "You two must be running out of insults if the best you can do is imply she's gay." With that, the blond strolled out and closed the door behind her.

"Christ, she's stupid."

"One of these days," Rumiko growled, "you watch, Naruto. One of these days, I'm going to finally have had enough. On that day, I'm going to throw her down and do all kinds of nasty, depraved things to her." She shot him a glare. "You're still not allowed to write anything about that."

"Of course not," Naruto agreed quickly, holding his hands up in surrender.

(:ii:)

"God damn it." Tsunade rubbed her temples and stared down at the paper on her desk. She was supposed to be writing a speech to greet the foreign leaders arriving in her village tomorrow, but she had a crippling attack of writer's block. "I need a drink."

"Good thing I'm here." Now, Tsunade had been a ninja for many, many years and was unused to having people sneak up on her. Therefore, it was understandable when the voice behind her nearly gave her a heart attack.

"Shit!" She tried to turn and stand at the same time and ended up tripping over her chair before crashing to the floor.

"Well, that was graceful."

"Naruto!"

"That's my name," the blond stated as he offered his hand. Tsunade took it after a moment of consideration and was easily pulled to her feet. "You wanted me to come back."

"Not at three in the morning!" Tsunade protested.

"It's not like you were sleeping," Naruto pointed out as he sat on her desk.

"It's the principle of the thing!" Tsunade insisted. She took a deep breath and fished around in her desk for a bottle of sake. "You know, Kakashi and Yamato were looking for you."

"Who?" Tsunade stared at the blond in shock.

"Kakashi and Yamato," she repeated. "You know, your senseis?" Naruto stared at her blankly for a few seconds before grinning broadly.

"Oh, yeah, those two. How have they been?"

"Yeah, those two," Tsunade sniped. "You know, because everybody forgets their sensei. I mean, I forgot all about mine years ago."

"There's no need to be sarcastic. I've had a long day," Naruto replied defensively. "Now, what did you want to talk to me about?" Tsunade studied Naruto rather carefully as she righted her chair and sat down again. She took a deep breath and pulled the documents she needed out of her desk.

"It's about your parents," she stated

"Shoot," Naruto replied much more flippantly than Tsunade would have suspected.

"Well, your father was the Fourth Hokage. . .and you already knew that, didn't you?"

"Afraid so," Naruto answered.

"How?" Tsunade asked.

"He told me." Tsunade almost tumbled out of her chair in shock again.

"What? How? When?"

"He had a safety set up on my seal," Naruto explained. "When I used a certain amount of the Fox's chakra, the Yellow Flash himself manifested." Tsunade stared at the man before her in shock. Leave it to Minato to set up something so flashy. He always had been a showoff, just more subtle than most.

"What did he say?" Tsunade asked. It was a most intriguing question. What did someone say to the son they never knew, especially considering that they had ruined that son's life.

"Something along the lines of: no Naruto, bad Naruto. Don't listen to the fox, it only speaks in lies."

"What did the fox have to do with anything?" Tsunade asked.

"It made me an offer," Naruto stated. "Turns out, the fox isn't a liar." A cold chill worked its way down Tsunade's spine.

"What was the offer?" she asked.

"Something for something," Naruto replied with a blank grin. "That's how they usually work. Now, what about my mother?"

"Well, let's just say, you take after Kushina much more than Minato," Tsunade replied. "She was loud, cocky, brash, and one of the best friends a ninja could ask for. She grew out of all but the last one."

"I see," Naruto stated simply. His blankness made Tsunade frown. It was like he was talking about complete strangers. Of course, in a way, that's exactly what Naruto's parents were to him.

"They would have been very proud of you, Naruto."

"I doubt that. Now, I have a few questions for you."

"Shoot."

"What do you know about the Spring-Rock War?"

"Well, I knew about it," Tsunade admitted. "I didn't know you were involved. If I had, I would have helped you. I wanted to help, but my advisors had a point. Helping would be going up against Earth and that isn't something to take lightly."

"Of course, helping Earth would have cemented any treaty you had with them," Naruto commented.

"I would never betray anyone like that!" Tsunade snapped. "I couldn't sacrifice my ninja to help, but I would never attack a country I have a bond of friendship with."

"Alright," Naruto said with a smile.

"What brought this up?"

"Nothing." Tsunade frowned at that and opened her mouth to argue when somebody cut her off from behind.

"There you are!" Tsunade nearly had a second heart attack as she turned to face this new intruder. Anko Mitarashi didn't even bother acknowledging her and she shoved her Hokage out of the way and seized Naruto by his belt buckle. "Do you have any idea how long I've been looking for you?"

(:ii:)

Anko glared at her designated favorite male. "Well?" she pressed. "Do you?"

"Nope," the blond answered truthfully as Anko dragged him towards the open window.

"Naruto!" Tsunade snapped.

"What?"

"Don't you want to know about your inheritance?" Tsunade asked.

"Meh. Divide it up, burn it, salt it. I don't really care."

"There are several scrolls containing his private techniques," Tsunade commented offhandedly. Naruto froze mid-step and no amount of tugging on Anko's part could get him moving again.

"I'd better take a look at those," he stated.

"You can look at them later," Anko whined. "Now get moving or I'm going to tear your clothes off and have my fun with you now."

"Wait, you're sleeping with Anko?" Tsunade demanded. "Anko Mitarashi? Anko "has-men-run-screaming-from-her-apartment" Mitarashi?"

"I don't like your tone," Anko growled.

"She's not denying it!" Tsunade noted.

"Well, of course not. That does happen a lot," Anko replied calmly.

"Well, I wouldn't say sleeping," Naruto replied, easily heading off any fight that was about to begin.

"I'd say fucking like bunnies!" Anko announced. "Really kinky bunnies with sex toys and high pain tolerances! And one of the bunnies can turn into a girl." Tsunade stared at them in disbelief.

"What? Girl on girl is hot."

"I didn't know that still counted when you were one of the girls," Tsunade deadpanned in disbelief.

"Meh, normal sex got boring after a few decades," Naruto stated with a shrug.

"You're not even thirty!" Tsunade snapped.

"I got bored quick."

"What inheritance is she blabbing on about anyway?" Anko asked curiously.

"My dad left me some scrolls on his techniques," Naruto replied. He brightened suddenly. "Maybe he left that damned Flying Thunder God technique. I've been trying to figure out how that bastard did that for years." Anko frowned. Flying Thunder God? Why did that sound so familiar? Wait. No. It couldn't be.

"Who was your dad?" she demanded.

"The Fourth," Naruto stated. Anko felt her jaw drop. She grabbed him by the collar and held him still while she studied his face. How had she not seen it before?

"We are leaving now."

"But. . ."

"Now!" Anko shrieked. She spotted the Hokage hat and snatched it up. "And we're taking this with us."

"You can't just. . ."

"We'll return it!" Anko growled in exasperation. "Now start walking or I'm going to lead you out of here by something a lot more sensitive."

"No need to make such threats," Naruto replied quickly as he headed for the window.

-End

(:ii:)

-Author's notes. Howdy everybody. Hope the holidays are treating everybody well. Mine are fucking fantastic. I got the Cowboy Bebop, FLCL, and Samurai Champloo box sets. Consequently I have also lost large amounts of the past few days, but it's a compromise I'm willing to make.

Alright, now for something important. I've decided that I can't keep up with my own schedule. I've just been missing too many updates. I've decided to switch things up to one update ever two weeks. Let's see how that works out.


	14. Chapter 14

I don't own anything.

Nothing but Trouble

-Chapter Fourteen:

"This is the same room, right?"

"Yeah, it's the same room," Rumiko growled as she hammered away at the door in front of her. "I know you're in there Naruto!" Finally they heard the door unlock and creaked open. The sight that greeted Rumiko was not what she wanted to see first thing in the morning. "Couldn't you have put some clothes on?"

"Couldn't you have gone to hell?" Naruto returned as he scratched his head, hesitating only slightly when he saw the pair of handcuffs dangling from his wrist. Rumiko blew out an aggravated breath and shoved her boss out of the way as she stormed into the very nice penthouse he had rented.

"Do you even remember what today is?" she demanded.

"Why do you ask questions you already know the answer to?" Naruto shot back.

"Today is the day when the other Kages and Daimyos arrive!" Rumiko snapped. "You have to be ready for the formal welcoming ceremony this afternoon."

"Can't you go?"

"Well, I could," Rumiko admitted, "but I'm not going to."

"You're a bitch," Naruto grumbled as he made his way into his kitchen and began fixing a bowl of instant ramen.

"You're damned right. . ."

"I smell ramen." Rumiko turned to glare at the woman who had interrupted her and felt her jaw drop. "I'm fucking starving," Anko added as she made her way over to the kitchen, walking very much like a cowboy who had finished a very long ride.

"Jesus," Yui grumbled," doesn't anybody around here wear clothes?"

"Yeah!" Naruto agreed. "Don't you know you're traumatizing poor Rumiko?"

"I guess I'll go put on some clothes," Anko grumbled.

"Let's not be hasty," Rumiko cut in quickly. "Now, where was I?"

"Something about how you weren't going to take my place as the Yukikage ," Naruto suggested.

"Oh, right. Like I was saying, you're going."

"You're the Yukikage?" Anko asked as she collapsed at the kitchen table.

"Yup." Anko's grin widened.

"I'm never letting you get away."

"Okay," Naruto agreed. Rumiko's jaw must have been hanging open in shock. "What?"

"You're giving up your womanizing ways?"

"The hell he is!" Anko objected, eagerly rubbing her hands together. "I've heard stories about the little bedroom parties he throws. I just need to scrounge up a few curious friends."

"You two are perfect for each other," Rumiko commented.

"Yeah, they're both perverts," Yui agreed. "I'm stepping out, all this nudity is just a little much this early." With that the blond quickly made a beeline for the door.

"Wait, everybody's coming today?" Anko asked.

"Yes," Rumiko answered. "Shouldn't you know that as a ninja of this village?"

"Probably," Anko agreed as she stood up. "I was supposed to be at work early today, guess I'd better get going." Rumiko watched Anko's pert, bare ass sway until the other woman disappeared back into the bedroom.

"You know," Naruto commented as he retried his ramen, "she swings both ways. If you ask, I bet she'd give you a pity fuck."

"I am not desperate enough to take your sloppy seconds," Rumiko growled.

"Yet?" Naruto ventured.

"Yet," Rumiko grumbled. "Now get dressed. We have a parade to attend!" Something caught her eye and she picked it up. "Is this the Hokage's hat?"

"Yeah," Naruto stated. "Tsunade let us borrow it."

"Why would you want to borrow it?" Rumiko asked. "I mean, you never wear the Yukikage one."

"Like you can blame me!" Naruto shot back. "The damn thing is uncomfortable, unwieldy, and stupid."

"Still doesn't explain why you have this," Rumiko pointed out.

"Anko likes to role play." Rumiko dropped the hat like it had suddenly caught fire.

"I'm going to wash my hands and you're going to wash this hat."

(:ii:)

"Well, this is festive," Naruto commented as he stared down at the crowded streets below him. "So, how's this going to run?"

"Village leaders and country daimyos are just beginning to arrive," Rumiko explained. "This afternoon there will be a formal welcoming ceremony."

"Hey boss." Naruto glanced back and nodded to Yui.

"Find anything?"

"Well, an ANBU operative is missing, but nobody seems to know what department she was working for, which is odd."

"I thought ANBU usually did that kind of black, covert bullshit," Naruto commented.

"It's like this," Yui began, "most ANBU units are broken down into two departments. The first is operations and the second is interrogation. Some villages have extra departments like Mist's hunter nins. Anyway, the chick you killed belonged to neither operations nor interrogation and Leaf doesn't have any third department that we know of."

"So, she was a Leaf hunter nin, or something?" Naruto asked. "Am I a missing nin now? I didn't know they cared enough to send anyone after me."

"Well, I don't know why Leaf would keep a bunch of hunter nins a secret," Yui stated. "As for your status, you're still a ninja of the Leaf as far as I can figure. Usually, to be declared a missing nin you have to revoke your allegiance or betray the village."

"I'd hate to remind you," Rumiko added, "but ANBU work directly under the Kage. They can be utilized without notifying any third party or making note of it on paper."

"So, the one that tried to kill me in Earth, could only have been there under the direct orders of the Hokage," Naruto summarized.

"That is, if the other one was also a Leaf ninja," Rumiko corrected. "Family members serving different hidden villages aren't completely unheard of." Naruto frowned and dug a cigarette out of his pocket. Tsunade had seemed so sincere last night and he was usually pretty good at reading people. "Are you thinking what I'm thinking?"

"Yeah," Naruto grunted. "When did I get fox fur trim put on my collar?" Rumiko glared at him. "Wrong guess?"

"Yeah," she growled.

"Well, how the hell should I know what's going through your crazy little girl mind?" Naruto demanded accusingly.

"Who sent that chick to kill you?" Rumiko demanded after several deep, calming breaths.

"Nanbu," Naruto answered.

"Who's going to be here representing the Village Hidden in the Rocks?"

"Nanb-oh! I see where you're going with this."

"Good, because if you didn't, I would have murdered your stupid ass."

"You would have tried."

"So, we're questioning the Tsuchikage?" Yui interrupted as she stepped between them.

"It looks that way," Rumiko answered.

"Do you think Yukie will be mad?" Naruto asked. "I mean, the coat was awesome before, but the red fur makes it, like, twice as awesome."

"You do this on purpose, don't you?" Rumiko demanded.

"Do what?" Naruto had to turn away as Rumiko's face turned almost as red as her yukata. Sometimes, it really was fun just to fuck with people. He searched the faces of the crowd below. "There's Yukie."

"Where's her other bodyguards?" Yui asked.

"She only needed the one," Naruto stated. Rumiko glanced down and her eyes widened as she saw the massive man standing beside their Daimyo.

"You didn't," she gasped in horror.

"Yeah, I did," Naruto stated with a grin. "Why not?"

"Because he belongs on a covert operation taking on a foreign nation all by himself, not protecting one woman!"

"You're forgetting one thing," Naruto replied.

"What?" Rumiko demanded.

"She's a movie star," Naruto answered. The dark haired woman stared at him for a long moment.

"There's no reasoning with you, is there?" she asked.

"Trust me, reason's got nothing to do with it," Naruto answered proudly. "Now let's go say hi to Yukie and Fish-boy."

(:ii:)

"Can I kill them?"

"No, you can't kill them," Yukie groaned in annoyance.

"How about them?"

"You can't kill any of my fans!" Yukie snapped. Her masked bodyguard's shoulders slumped a little. "You know, people like you are the reason why the village has such a bad name."

"Ninja like me are the reason you have a village. . .and a country," the man countered as he dropped two autograph seekers to their knees with killer intent alone.

"Why did Naruto put you in charge of my security?" Yukie wondered aloud.

"He has a sick sense of humor," the man grunted.

"Yeah, pretty much." Yukie jumped and spun to find the object of their conversation walking along beside them. "Plus, you really love the Icha Icha books, so I figured you'd love working on the set."

"Naruto!" The blond caught her easily and spun her around.

"People are watching," Izumi hissed.

"Meh, it's not like any of them know she's the daimyo of Spring Country," Naruto stated as he set his daimyo down. "If you told them that Yukie Fujikaze and Yukie Kazahana were the same person, they'd probably ask who Yukie Kazahana was."

"Hey Boss," Yukie's bodyguard stated.

"Hey Kisame," Naruto replied. He struck suddenly and the much taller man collapsed to his knees. "Just to remind you that I'm the boss."

"Got it," Kisame rasped as he painfully climbed to his feet and picked up his dropped sword. "You hit hard Tiny."

"And this is a marvelous first impression that Spring Country is making," Izumi mumbled tiredly.

"You're telling me," Rumiko agreed as she appeared out of the crowd around them.

"Don't think you two have actually met, you'll get along," Naruto stated as he slipped an arm around Yukie's waist and led her through the crowds, cowing them absently by mere presence alone.

"Do you really want to leave my assistant alone with yours?" Yukie asked.

"What's the worst that could happen?"

"You're the only person that could say that and get away with it," Yukie noted.

"Well, obviously, that's because I am the worst that could happen," Naruto stated. "Now, how about some ramen?"

"I love ramen," Yukie stated.

"Me too," Kisame added.

(:ii:)

"I can't believe Princess Gale is eating in my restaurant!"

"Easy Ayame," Naruto offered.

"Could you sign an autograph for me?"

"Of course," Yukie replied with a smile. Ayame let out a squeal and disappeared to find some paper.

"She hasn't acted like that in years," Teuchi commented as he set down three bowls of ramen. "So, Miss, how do you know Naruto?"

"He's the leader of the hidden village in my country," Yukie stated.

"Your country?" Teuchi asked.

"I'm the daimyo of Spring Country," Yukie stated. "We try not to advertise it; my assistant thinks acting isn't a respectable career for a daimyo."

"And you're the leader of her hidden village?" Teuchi pressed.

"Yep," Naruto answered.

"And I'm a sociopath they employ to kill people for them!" Kisame announced proudly. He had ditched his mask the moment they had stepped inside the ramen stand.

"You and everyone else," Yukie replied dismissively.

"I'm not like the rest," Kisame corrected. "I'm a world renowned criminal! I was part of an organization that was going to conquer the world!"

"And then I beat you like my redheaded step child and you turned informant," Naruto replied.

"I wasn't going to mention that part," Kisame grumbled, letting out an annoyed hiss through pointed teeth. "Besides, I only ever work for the guys who promise me the best wars and you deliver, Tiny."

"And, for your information, twenty ninja in my village were previously working for groups trying to conquer the world," Naruto added.

"But we actually were!" Kisame protested. "At least, until you killed everybody else."

"Missed one, but I'm going to get him too eventually," Naruto stated.

"Here!" Ayame gushed as she held out a piece of paper. "Did I miss anything?"

"Naruto's the leader of a hidden village that employs terrorists," Teuchi stated.

"Very funny dad."

"All terrorists are somebody's freedom fighters," Kisame stated.

"Well actually, you guys were pretty much everybody's terrorists," Naruto stated. Kisame let out a loud laugh.

"Yeah. We were."

(:ii:)

"That bastard is sick!" Tsunade announced. "You were right Sakura!"

"I wasn't referring to his sex life when I was telling you I was worried about him and how he's changed," Sakura commented. She was really trying not to laugh.

"He's a monster!" Tsunade continued.

"It's just a hat," Sakura commented. "You don't even like wearing it."

"It's not just a hat!" Tsunade snapped. "It's the traditional headwear of the Hokage! It's been handed down to each Hokage since the founding of this village! It is a sign of authority! When I catch him, his ass is toast!"

"We can hunt him down after breakfast," Sakura stated as she pointed to their destination.

"Mom always did say that it was rude to murder someone before breakfast," Tsunade admitted as she swept aside one of the flaps in order to sit. What happened next was too fast for Sakura to follow. One moment the Hokage had been preparing to sit and the next she was flat on her back attempting to apply a rear naked choke to the blond man laying on top of her.

"Mrph!" Naruto cried in alarm through a mouthful of noodles as his arms and legs flailed about.

"Give me back my hat!" Tsunade ordered.

"Mrph!" Naruto cried again as he managed to grab the leg of Sakura's dark blue village-issue pants. Sakura just knocked his grip off and stepped back.

"You brought it on yourself." The flaps of the ramen stand shifted as another person stepped out of the stand to look down at the fight that was quickly drawing a crowd. The woman glanced at Sakura and smiled.

"Sakura!"

"Lady Kazahana," Sakura returned politely. The daimyo laughed.

"The liberator of my country can call me by my first name," she stated before looking down at Naruto who was starting to turn blue. "Hey Kisame, if you want to see your boss getting his ass handed to him, you'd better get out here."

"Really?" The flaps shifted again and a massive man stepped out into the street. Sakura stared at him in shock for a moment before digging out her bingo book. "Don't bother, I'm Kisame Hoshigaki, the Monster of the Hidden Mist."

"You're a part of Akatsuki!"

"He was, now he's one of my ninja," Yukie stated. "So, what'd Naruto do?"

"I'd guess he fucked her and ditched her with the bill in an expensive hotel somewhere," Kisame replied.

"How many times has that happened?" Yukie asked.

"That I know of?" Kisame asked.

"Never mind." The blue-skinned man nodded his understanding.

"So, do you think I should help? I mean, I hate getting involved in lover's quarrels."

"You stay out of this fish-boy!" Tsunade snapped. "Now, where's my hat?" To Sakura's surprise, the large man fell back a step and actually looked hurt.

"Oh, come on," Yukie stated, patting his arm comfortingly, "I think you're really handsome and your blue skin just makes you look more exotic."

"Thanks." Sakura just ignored them and kneeled beside the grappling blonds. "Sensei?"

"What?"

"He's unconscious."

"Oh."

"You're loosing your touch," Sakura added as she checked for a pulse while the Hokage climbed to her feet. "Before, you would have had no problem applying a blood choke instead of an air choke."

"I couldn't get him to stop squirming," Tsunade replied. She glanced around at the crowd. "What the hell are you lot looking at?" They dispersed rather quickly after that. "I will admit that I forgot he couldn't answer while I was choking him."

"Yeah, I've made that mistake a few times," Kisame stated. Tsunade stared at him for a moment. "Are we going to fight now?"

"After breakfast," Tsunade replied tiredly. "I'm hungry and mom always said that it was rude to attack people before breakfast."

"Right," Yukie drawled as he prodded Naruto with her toe. "Should we drag him inside?"

"Nah," Kisame answered. "It won't be the first time he's woken up in the street."

-End

(:ii:)

-Author's notes. Howdy. Been a busy two weeks. I had a few important tests. One was for my new MCMAP gray belt. I passed it. One was for HIV. I passed it too, or I failed it. Whichever one means I don't have AIDS.

Anyway, yeah, it's just another gag chapter. Don't worry, the next one will have some plot, maybe. Sheesh, nobody seems to grasp that most of the stuff I write is half a step up from crack. Just because there is a vague plot, doesn't mean that the story can't be driven almost solely to sex jokes, puns and witty dialogue.


	15. Chapter 15

I don't own anything.

Nothing but Trouble

-Chapter Fifteen:

Somebody was poking Naruto. It was getting extremely annoying. He opened his eyes and snarled and the two boys standing over him. The one poking him dropped his stick and they both ran off screaming. With that minor nuisance taken care of, Naruto tried to remember why he was passed out in the street. Had he gone on a bender? What day was it?

"You awake yet?" Naruto raised his head and saw Yukie staring down at him.

"What happened?"

"Some blond grabbed you and choked you out," Yukie stated. Naruto frowned. A blond?

"Did it involve ditching her with the bill at a really expensive hotel in the Land of the Moon?" One of the flaps of Ichiraku's was pushed aside and Naruto found himself staring at Tsunade.

"No. It was about my hat."

"Oh." Naruto climbed to his feet and dusted himself off. He stepped back into Ichiraku's and frowned as he noticed that his ramen had gone cold. "Another one, Old Man, make it a quadruple."

"Coming right up!" Teuchi stated. Naruto sat back down and stretched his neck.

"Naruto?"

"Yes?"

"My hat."

"Right." Naruto dug out a storage scroll and produced said headwear.

"You washed it, didn't you?"

"Yep."

"Good." Naruto's ramen arrived and he quickly dug in.

"You know, if you hadn't snuck up on me and I hadn't been distracted by delicious ramen, I would have torn you into half a dozen discernable pieces." Naruto just felt like throwing that fact out there. He wasn't being defensive or anything.

"I'm a ninja, Naruto," Tsunade pointed out. "I'm also a woman. I'm not supposed to fight fair."

"Good point." Naruto slurped up a mouthful of ramen. "Heard you were missing an ANBU." Tsunade frowned and turned to stare at him. "What? My daimyo was coming. Why wouldn't I be spying on what was happening here?"

"Alright, good point," the Hokage admitted. "Yes. I am missing an ANBU and trying to get answers from the head of the ANBU is like trying to pull teeth."

"Yeah, I heard about how nobody seems to know which department she was working for," Naruto commented. Tsunade's eyes narrowed. "What?"

"How are you getting this information?" the blond demanded.

"Men tend to tell my secretary things," Naruto stated simply before finishing off his bowl. He also finished off the cold bowl. Wasting ramen was a sin after all. Tsunade let out an aggravated groan.

"Please tell me you're not implying that my ninja are giving up secrets because some little tart flashed them some leg," she demanded.

"Well, to be fair, they weren't really secrets and Yui isn't exactly little," Naruto stated. "In fact, she's almost as big as you."

"God damn it," Tsunade growled. "I'm firing every man working for me and replacing them with women."

"Sounds like a plan to me!" Naruto announced, perking up immediately.

"Never mind."

(:ii:)

"So, this is where you both grew up?" Yukie asked as her village leader and his old teammate led her and her bodyguard on a tour through the Village Hidden in the Leaves.

"Yes," Sakura answered. "My parents' house is actually a few blocks over."

"Are they ninja?" Yukie pressed.

"No," the pink-haired woman replied. "I'm the first in my family. My dad is a merchant and my mom doesn't work. Neither were too happy when I went to the academy."

"What made you want to be a ninja?" Yukie asked curiously.

"I don't know, really," Sakura admitted. "I was young."

"Nobody seems to think it's strange that they allow such young children to make such life-altering decisions," Yukie commented.

"It's a relic of the wars," Naruto stated. "Prior to the last major war, one had to be, with few exceptions, a teenager to apply. During the war they needed more ninja and allowed children to apply."

"Realistically, what could children have done?" Yukie asked.

"They could have taken a knife for an older more experienced ninja," Naruto stated flatly. "It wasn't pretty. The children were used for distractions, screening and suicide missions. In the long run, it stamped out several clans and nearly wiped out a few villages. I've seen bad things in wars, but that was one of the worst."

"You weren't born during the last war," Sakura commented.

"I mean, that's what I heard," Naruto corrected.

"It's true," Kisame cut in. "It was pretty messy. Of course, in Mist, we had always been like that."

"Good Old Bloody Mist," Naruto commented. "Always liked that place. You have to respect people and places that wear their crazy on their sleeves where everyone can see."

"Mist was not crazy," Kisame snapped. "We were well adapted." Sakura was not amused.

"How could you call requiring students to slaughter all the. . ."

"Most, not all," Kisame corrected.

". . .most of the other graduates a good thing?" Sakura demanded.

"Well excuse us for making killing people into a test for ninja," Kisame snarled. "You do know that ninja kill people, right?" Sakura's jaw dropped to argue, but she found that she didn't have a rebuttal to that.

"Point, Kisame!" Naruto announced. Sakura glared at him for that. "So, how are your parents? Still despising me?" The pink-haired woman's eyes narrowed somewhat at the change of topic, but let it go after a moment of consideration.

"They never despised you," she stated in annoyance. "They just. . .okay, they despised you, at first. They got over it."

"Yeah. They went from "stay away from my daughter or I'll kill you" to "I'll kill you if you hurt my daughter"," Naruto agreed.

"Oh come on, they say that last bit to every guy they see around me," Sakura replied. "Besides, I'm sure you get that all the time from irate fathers."

"Well. . .yeah, but I wasn't sleeping with you."

"You weren't?" Kisame asked in surprise. "There's a first."

"Shut up Kisame."

"We'd better start heading back," Yukie commented. "We don't want to be late." Naruto shot her a grin over his shoulder.

"Meh, don't worry. We'll be fine." That was when Naruto, mostly because he was looking back, walked right into a dark-haired woman and sent her sprawling.

(:ii:)

"Damn it." Naruto glanced down at the women he had knocked over and seized an appendage to haul her to her feet. As he brought her upright he found himself staring into a pair of milky, white eyes. "Hinata?"

"Na-na-na-Naruto?"

"Hinata!" Naruto threw his arms around his old classmate and gave her a hug. "How are you doing?" He held her at arm's length and let her go, only for her to turned bright red and faint dead away. "Huh. Still weird."

"You're kidding, right?" Sakura asked.

"What?"

"The girl has had a crush on your since the academy!" Sakura exploded. "Are you really this oblivious?"

"No!"

"Yes," Yukie and Kisame deadpanned in unison. Naruto shot them an annoyed glare.

"Shut up." He turned back to Sakura.

"Hinata Hyuga?" he asked. The pink haired woman nodded. "A crush?" She nodded again. Naruto had to laugh. "Are you out of your fucking mind? She's the Hyuga heiress."

"There's no accounting for taste," Sakura commented dryly.

"Hey, she's coming to," Kisame commented as he hauled the heiress back to her feet.

"You know, it figures," Sakura stated, "the one woman who's liked you longer than any other is the one woman you won't sleep with."

"I'd totally sleep with Hinata!" Naruto exclaimed.

"Whoa!" Kisame tried to grab Hinata as she swooned again, but he was too slow and the dark-haired woman slumped to the ground again with blood trickling from her nose. "Never mind." Naruto stared down at her.

"Okay, maybe a little crush."

"No, you don't say," Sakura commented.

"It would probably be a bad thing to leave the heiress of the most powerful clan in this village passed out on the street, wouldn't it?" Naruto asked.

"That's never stopped you before," Yukie commented.

"Oh, please. Those chicks weren't my friends, they were just, well. . .chicks."

"You should shut up now," Sakura stated.

"Okay."

(:ii:)

"Where the hell is he?"

"What were you expecting?" Izumi asked.

"I was expecting his Daimyo to at least try to make him be on time," Rumiko gritted.

"What are you, stupid?" Izumi asked. "When those two get together all they do is party."

"Well, I didn't know that," Rumiko stated. "At least he's not the only one who's late." She glanced around the room and took in the dozen or so desks arranged in a circle. All but three were currently occupied by their respective village leaders with their entourages sitting behind them.

"Yo." Rumiko jumped and spun to find her boss perched on the windowsill behind her with Yukie in his arms.

"Naruto! Door!"

"Naruto! Window!" Naruto countered before hopping down and releasing his Daimyo.

"You're late!"

"Well, I was going to be on time, but I got lost of the road of life," Naruto stated as he collapsed in his seat and swung his feet up on to his desk. Rumiko opened her mouth to argue, but trailed off as she noticed the Hokage giggling hysterically.

"What's up with her?"

"No idea." That was when the wall behind the Raikage's desk exploded and a massive, dark-skinned man strode in and sat down. "See, it could be worse. I could have done that."

"That's one way of looking at it," Rumiko admitted.

"I suppose we'll just have to begin this meeting," Tsunade announced, her voice cutting through the murmurs that had broken out with Naruto and the Raikage's appearances. "First, I'd like to welcome you all to the Village Hidden in the Leaves. I'd like to give a special welcome to the Leaf's own former ninja and current Yukikage, Naruto Uzumaki."

"Why'd she single you out?" Rumiko whispered.

"To piss off the old people behind her," Naruto stated. He was proven correct as one of them shot to his feet.

"Lady Tsunade. . ."

"Not now Danzo," Tsunade interrupted.

"Yeah, sit down Danzo!" Naruto added. The old man's jaw dropped to reply, but Tsunade leveled him with a glare.

"The Village Hidden in the Sand would also like to congratulate the Yukikage." Naruto grinned at the redhead sitting not too far away.

"Hi Gaara!"

"Hello Naruto," the Kazekage returned with a small nod and an even smaller smile.

"Yukikage," the Raikage sneered. "There are only five Kages and they are the leaders of the five most powerful elementary countries."

"Naruto. . ." Rumiko began, but it was far too later. The blond was already on his feet, one foot resting on his desk and pointing at the Raikage whose desk was on the other side of the circle.

"Listen up you Creatine-inflated ninny, I personally think Yukikage is a sissy name, but it's the name my daimyo and my buddies wanted, so anybody that insults it, answers to me!" The Raikage leapt to his feet, but was cut off as a similar-looking, but younger man beat him to it.

"Hey! Nobody calls my big bro a creatine-inflated ninny, but me!" The Raikage wound up and delivered a fairly devastating blow to the back of the younger man's head.

"Idiot! You're not allowed to call me that either!" The Raikage turned back Naruto and for a second it appeared that a brawl was going to break out, but the main door opened and a very curvy woman strolled in.

"Sorry we're late," she stated with a smile as she made her way through the circle towards the empty Mizukage desk. Naruto and Rumiko watched her the entire way.

"Kisame?"

"Yes?" the massive blue-skinned man asked as he appeared at Naruto's side.

"Is that the Mizukage?"

"Yep, that's Mei Terumi," Kisame stated, frowning slightly as the red-haired woman waved at him.

"She was the Mizukage when you left?" Naruto added.

"Yeah."

"What are you, a fruit?" Kisame groaned and pinched the bridge of his nose.

"If I wasn't sure that you'd kill me in such a humiliating way that people looking upon my mutilated remains would have no choice but to laugh, I would kill you."

"You're referring to the guy I killed by shoving his head up his own ass, aren't you?"

"Yeah. That was the most horrific. . ."

"Don't ignore me!" Naruto turned back to the dark-skinned man and frowned.

"Who are you again?"

"Let it go A," a new voice interrupted, "or else Mister Fox will kill you like a small dog." The Raikage came up short as he stared at Nanbu. "Trust me." The Raikage looked around somewhat awkwardly for a moment before sitting down and Rumiko had to smile. This was looking to be rather amusing.

"What are you grinning at?" Rumiko glanced over at her boss.

"I'm just thinking of all the sexual favors I'll demand from the Mizukage in return for information about you and the village after I defect," she stated.

"What information?" Naruto asked. "We're all pretty strait forward, I mean, we don't really have any state secrets."

"I'll figure out something to tell her," Rumiko replied confidently.

"Well alright. Just remember, I'm faster than you."

"Oh? Going to run me down and kill me?" Rumiko teased.

"No. I'm going to beat you to her and defect first," Naruto stated proudly.

"Neither of you are allowed to defect," Yukie growled.

"But. . .she's hot," Rumiko stated.

"Really hot," Naruto added.

"What am I, chopped liver?" Yukie demanded.

"So, you're offering me sexual favors in return for my continued service?" Rumiko asked hopefully. Naruto felt an eyebrow rise and his aide's tone.

"Uh, Rumiko. We're joking here. This conversation is in jest. You cannot demand sexual favors from your daimyo."

"Why not?" Rumiko asked. Naruto stared at the woman.

"I'm getting you laid. This abstinence shit is going strait to your head."

-End

(:ii:)

-Author's notes. Well, the plot did inch a long a little. Okay, maybe not. Sorry about last week. FF had its head up its ass.

So, I had the day off not too long ago and decided to watch some anime. I heard that Gurren Lagann was put up and youtube and figured; okay, why not? I've seen the Japanese one and figured the English would be pretty good; after all, it has Steven Blum in it. Of course, he does play a camp gay mechanic. That's right Roger Smith/Spike Spiegel/Mugen is a flaming homo. It might be the single funniest meta joke ever.

Alright, so, I watched every episode within twenty-four hours. That was a mistake. Gurren Lagann is too much awesome and epicness to take in, in such a short amount of time.

Anyways, I've been humming Viral's theme song and Liberate me from Hell for three days and I'm pretty sure my next tattoo is going to be a flaming skull. A banner demanding "Who the hell do you think I am?" is also being speculated at in conjunction with said flaming skull.

For those of you that have no idea what I'm talking about. Go watch Gurren Lagann now. Here are two scenes that should tell you everything you need to know: First, how do you fight a flying battleship with a walking battleship? Run the walking battleship up a mountain and flying kick the other one. Second, how do you stop a person from committing suicide? Jump through time and space using sheer will power alone and punch him in the face.

Ladies and gentlemen, goodnight.


	16. Chapter 16

I don't own anything.

Nothing but Trouble

-Chapter Sixteen

Naruto was bored. "Don't you dare."

"Huh?"

"I know that look," Rumiko stated. "You are not allowed to set anything on fire." Naruto pouted and consciously relaxed his hands. They had been twitching towards forming seals without his knowledge.

"This is boring."

"It's a ceremony, it's supposed to be boring," Rumiko stated. "If I can sit through it, you have to." Naruto glanced around and noticed that more than a few village leaders were beginning to space out. "I think it's winding down."

"And so I welcome you all to the Land of Fire and the Village Hidden in the Leaves," Tsunade finished.

"Why is the Village Hidden in the Leaves in the Land of Fire?" Naruto asked over the polite applause.

"What?"

"Shouldn't the village in the Land of Fire be the Village Hidden in the Flame or something?"

"You would think that," Rumiko agreed. "I have no idea. I'm sure there's some kind of significance that nobody cares about anymore."

"Didn't grow up here?" Izumi demanded. Naruto shot the woman a raised eyebrow over his shoulder.

"Yeah, so?"

"I give up," Izumi announced, throwing her arms up in surrender.

"Naruto." The blond turned back and grinned as he found Gaara standing before his desk. "Hello."

"Hey, buddy," Naruto returned as he climbed to his feet to shake the redhead's hand. "How have you been?"

"I have been well," Gaara stated. "I was unaware that you had become the Yukikage."

"Yeah, I meant to send out notices, but I kind of got swallowed by paperwork. You know how it is."

"I do," Gaara stated with a small smile.

"Well, everybody, this is Gaara," Naruto stated. "Gaara; this is Koyuki Kazahana my daimyo, Rumiko my assistant and Izumi an evil old chick."

"I am not old," Izumi growled.

"A pleasure to meet you all," Gaara stated. He glanced at Yukie for a moment too long. "I believe that I know you from somewhere."

"Her stage name is Yukie Fujikaze," Naruto volunteered. The redhead's jaw dropped a fraction of an inch.

"You play Akane."

"Is there anybody who doesn't read your smut books?" Izumi demanded.

"Erotica," Naruto corrected.

"What?"

"I write erotica, not smut," Naruto stated.

"What's the difference?" Izumi asked.

"Damned if I know," Naruto admitted with a shrug, "but my editor says that since more than half of my readership is female that I should call it erotica. I guess it sounds better; I mean, now you can call your secret collection erotica instead of porn." Izumi's face paled and her jaw dropped to deny, but Rumiko clamped a hand over her mouth.

"I fell for that one too," the younger woman stated. "It's already too late to deny, but don't give him the satisfaction." Izumi studied him shrewdly.

"You're more clever than I gave you credit for," she stated. "That wouldn't take much mind you."

"I try," Naruto stated cheerfully before turning back to Gaara. "You want to go grab lunch?"

"Sure."

(:ii:)

Yui was not happy. The information she had just gathered would piss off her boss. That never led to calm, peaceful discussion. At best it led to brute intimidation. At worst, well, it led to lots of dead people.

"I'm telling you, Gaara, you haven't had ramen until you've had Ichiraku's!"

"I can't believe you're eating more ramen." Yui skidded to a halt on top of the building she had just landed on and ran back to the edge. Sure enough, her boss and Rumiko were down in the street walking beside a red-haired guy.

"Naruto!" The blond paused and glanced up.

"Hey Yui. You should totally wear a skirt while building hopping." Yui sighed and jumped down to join them. "What's up?"

"We have a problem," Yui stated. "A private problem," she added, casting a pointed glance at the redhead.

"Gaara's my friend," Naruto replied blandly. She should have expected that. Her Kage wasn't really one for secrets. "What's happening?"

"I just got done talking to a few of my new buddies in this village," Yui began. "There's a secret meeting being held."

"So?"

"You're the topic," Yui clarified blankly.

"Oh. Who's meeting?"

"It's between the Hokage's council and the heads of the village's clans," Yui stated. Naruto just shrugged. "They want to declare you a missing nin and issue a reward for your capture." Naruto stared at her blankly.

"Oh," he grunted after a moment. "Yeah, that could get annoying."

"You will, of course, have the full backing of the Village Hidden in the Sand," Gaara stated. Naruto's mildly annoyed look melted.

"Thanks Gaara. It's good to have friends I know I can trust." He glanced back to Yui and Rumiko. "I think we'll be able to handle this one."

"Very well," Gaara stated. Naruto nodded his thanks and leapt straight to the top of the building Yui had just dropped from. Yui followed as best she could and ended up bouncing off two balconies to reach her boss.

"Do you have a location?"

"Yeah, they're meeting in the village auditorium," Yui answered.

"Isn't that a little open for a secret meeting?" Naruto asked as he took off in the direction of said building.

"Well, they're actually exercising a right to assemble to discuss village affairs that will later be brought up to the Hokage," Yui explained. "The Third Hokage created that privilege during his reign."

"Do we have a law like that?" Naruto demanded.

"Considering that we don't have a council or clan elders, no," Rumiko answered.

"Good. Keep it like that," Naruto ordered. "What are the details?"

"The council is made up of two old farts named Homura and Koharu," Yui lectured. "However, the man behind the push to fuck you over is an old guy named Danzo."

"That guy," Naruto growled in annoyance. "What are they actually planning specifically?"

"The council is likely planning to gain clan support and try to force the Hokage to declare you a missing nin," Yui reported. "After that they want to capture you, which is strange because most missing nin are eliminated immediately and their bodies' are destroyed."

"Capturing a missing nin is usually only done if that ninja is consider an irreplaceable village asset," Rumiko commented. "Usually, that would mean the last of a clan with a very powerful bloodline. You aren't the last of a clan, nor do you have a bloodline." Naruto grinned and patted his stomach. "No."

"Oh, yeah."

"They want to control you?" Rumiko asked in disbelief. "What are they, suicidal?"

"That's what I was wondering," Naruto admitted. "Most people are smart enough not to fuck with me."

"Actually," Yui interrupted. "Nobody here is scared of you." Naruto stopped dead so suddenly that Yui and Rumiko overshot him by two roof tops. They quickly turned back and rejoined him.

"What?"

"They aren't scared of you," Yui repeated. "Outside of the Lands of Spring and Earth, the Forest Fox's reputation is more unsettling than scary. Apparently, the council doesn't believe half of what they've been told about you, even coming from the Tsuchikage."

"They aren't scared of me?" Naruto repeated.

"Nope." He took several deep breaths.

"They aren't scare of me?" he asked again.

"They aren't," Yui confirmed.

"I see." He took another long, calming breath. "We'll have to remedy that."

(:ii:)

"The farther that thing is from us, the happier I am!" Danzo sighed in annoyance as one of the more foolish clan heads made his thoughts known. This whole day had been nothing but unpleasant surprises. First he found out that his ace in the hole was the head of another village and now he was finding out that many clan heads either supported the little brat or wanted him to stay where he was, i.e. far from them. He should have stepped in and prevented that brat from leaving all those years ago.

"This is the punk who beat up my Kiba, right?" the head of the Inuzuka demanded. Someone gave her an affirmative. "Hell, I love that kid! What's the big deal with him being the Yukikage?"

"That brat is a monster!" a man from some nameless minor clan stated. "The Yoichi agree with the Gidayu. We should leave it where it is." Danzo frowned as he realized that he'd better step in and help lead this discussion before it could degrade further. Sadly, he was beaten to the punch.

"Rasengan!" Danzo was on his feet before the person who had just been thrown, spiraling through the auditorium's doors made it halfway to the council's raised platform. He had just enough time to recognize one of his own Root ANBU, both parts of him, before a tall blond in an orange trench coat swept into the auditorium. "Well!" he announced, "that was pretty cool. I should always chuck a bifurcated corpse in front of me when I need to make an entrance." Not a single person in the whole auditorium seemed to have anything to say to that.

"Genin Uzumaki," Danzo stated after the silence had crept on long enough. "You just murdered a ninja of the Leaf."

"He was barring my way into a public discussion," Naruto stated cheerfully. "I don't know if that rates death, but I'm definitely on the moral high ground here. I think."

"Maybe," one of the two women flanking him stated. "I also think you have diplomatic immunity." The other woman sighed as Naruto's grin suddenly doubled in size and viciousness.

"Yui," she began, "please, never tell Naruto that he can act without consequence again." The newly-named 'Yui' winced.

"Yeah. Didn't think that one through," she admitted. "Sorry Rumiko."

"Genin, can you think of a single reason I shouldn't have you arrested?" Danzo demanded calmly. Where the hell were the rest of his ANBU?

"I can think of a few," Naruto replied. "One: I'm not sure you have the authority to arrest me, two: I can kill anyone you want to send after me singularly or in groups and three: you're out of ninja." Danzo smirked. He had nine other Root ANBU lying in wait; if only they would step in and apprehend him already. "I mean, unless you brought more than ten." That caught Danzo by surprise.

"What?"

"I said, unless you brought more than ten," Naruto repeated. "That guy," he pointed to the dead ANBU, "and the nine other guys curled up in the fetal position and sobbing out in the lobby."

"I see," Danzo stated. He needed to rethink this whole thing.

(:ii:)

Nanbu reclined in his chair and sipped his drink happily. This was turning out to be a nice vacation. Of course, that meant someone would be along shortly to ruin it. "Hey Nanbu!" Nanbu let out an annoyed sigh and set his drink down.

"Hello Mister Fox." The blond plopped into the chair beside him and looked around the large balcony.

"This is nice."

"For what I'm paying, it'd better be," Nanbu replied. "Is there something I can help you with? I have some very important relaxing I need to be doing."

"You recognize this chick?" Nanbu could only sigh again as a severed head was plopped into his lap. He looked down at it for a moment and let out a girlish shriek as the eyes rolled around and fixed on him.

"Holy shit!" He shoved the grotesque bundle off his lap and took a few deep breaths to compose himself. "You know, there's a reason Rumiko's clan was wiped off the face of the Earth."

"They made you scream like a little girl?" Naruto asked.

"Ha, ha, ha. . .no." Nanbu glanced down at the head. "Should I recognize her?"

"You sent her to kill me," Naruto stated cheerfully. "She wasn't one of your ninja, that much I know already."

"You've been carrying around her head for over a year?" Nanbu demanded. "You're a lot sicker than I thought and that's saying something."

"Actually, this is that ninja's twin sister," Naruto admitted. "She is a ninja of the Leaf ergo, her sister the assassin. . ."

"You actually know what "ergo" means?" Nanbu asked before taking a drink from his cocktail. "Color me impressed."

". . .ergo, her sister the assassin, might have been a ninja of the Leaf," Naruto finished. "Where did you hire her sister from, Nanbu?"

"I didn't," Nanbu answered. "One of my allies offered her services."

"You have allies?"

"Yes."

"Who?"

"I'm not telling you," Nanbu stated.

"This ally didn't happen to have two blond pigtails and a huge rack, right?" Naruto asked. Nanbu felt his eyebrow rise.

"You think Tsunade is trying to kill you?" he asked.

"Naruto!" He glanced at the next building over and saw said blond storming towards them across the roof.

"Okay, maybe she is trying to kill you." The Hokage leapt over to Nanbu's balcony and seized the Yukikage by his throat.

"You traumatized my ANBU!" she snarled. "I didn't even know you could do that!"

"He can't answer when you're choking him," Nanbu commented. "Not that I mind, choke him all you want." Tsunade managed to pry her fingers from the other blonde's throat and dump him back in his seat.

"What did you do to my ANBU?"

"I scared them a little," Naruto stated cheerfully as he covertly toed the severed head under Nanbu's lounge chair.

"Scared them a little?" Tsunade sputtered. "Two of them tried to kill themselves!"

"Yeah, I'd keep an eye on the rest of them too," Naruto commented with a bashful grin.

"I warned you people not to fuck with him," Nanbu stated. "I told you that he would do something like this."

"Nobody was messing with him!" Tsunade snapped.

"Your council and the heads of the couple of the clans were trying to declare me a missing nin," Naruto corrected. "I felt that I had the right to voice my displeasure in the matter and your ANBU were trying to bar me entrance."

"The council was trying to do what?" Tsunade asked, her voice dangerously calm.

"Make me a missing nin," Naruto repeated. "That would kind of put a cramp on my fun since I'd have to kill a bounty hunter around every corner."

"Are you still offering to kill Danzo?" Tsunade asked after a moment.

"You bet."

"I'd reconsider," Nanbu interjected. "Asking Mister Fox here to assassinate one person is like using an explosive tag to kill a fly. It's overkill and there's a lot of collateral damage. Take that cat for instance."

"So you _did_ kill that damn cat!"

"For him," Naruto stated, jerking a thumb at Nanbu. Tsunade glanced over at the other man, but he just shrugged.

"I don't like cats."

"Okay, everybody just shut up for a minute," Tsunade growled. She turned to Naruto. "You're telling me that all those ANBU from today were trying to stop you from getting into a village meeting?"

"Yep," Naruto answered.

"I didn't tell them to do that," Tsunade stated.

"Ooh, sounds like somebody's personal guard has their own agenda," Naruto commented. "Your guard. . .your council. . .you've let them get away with too much and now your reaping what you've sewn."

"And what would you suggest?" Tsunade snapped in annoyance.

"Make them scared of you," Naruto stated. "Fear makes everything easier. My village is scared of me. His whole country is scared of me. This village will soon be very scared of me again."

"Again?" Naruto grinned, but there were too many teeth and far too many points in it.

"I'll see you two later." He turned and hopped off the balcony. Tsunade stared at where he had been for a few seconds before sitting down in his recently vacated chair.

"Drink?" Nanbu offered, nudging another cocktail towards her. She took it and drank the whole thing without comment.

"Something's not right with him," she stated finally.

"No shit," Nanbu commented blankly. "What was your first clue, you ditz?"

(:ii:)

Naruto pushed his door open and staggered into his hotel room. He was damned tired. Running all over the village and traumatizing nine men into catatonia weren't the easiest things to do. "Naruto?"

"Hey Anko." Naruto collapsed on the couch. The purple haired woman appeared from the kitchen and handed him a beer before sitting down beside him.

"Sounds like you've been having fun," she commented.

"Hmm," Naruto hummed as he sipped his beer.

"Most of the ANBU are kind of annoyed at you."

"Only annoyed?" Naruto asked.

"Well, you did kill an ANBU and put nine others out of commission, which is bad, but they were all Root, so nobody really cares."

"Root?" Naruto asked, perking up immediately. "What's that?"

"It's classified," Anko stated. "I can't tell you."

"Can't or won't?" Naruto wondered aloud. A grin spread across Anko's face as she realized where this was going.

"I won't," she stated, "not unless you bribe me with something that I want."

"That can be arranged," Naruto replied. "Now tell me."

-End

(:ii:)

-Author's notes. Hey, long time no see. I tried updating another story last scheduled time and it got one review even though people have been bitching at me to update it. Fine, I can take a hint. Everyone wants this one updated, so be it.

So, this chapters coming a little early because it's that weekend again. This time I'm going to Fort Dix. Yay.

Until later folks, Jackie out.


	17. Chapter 17

I don't own anything.

Nothing but Trouble

Chapter Seventeen:

"So, you finally saw it, huh?" Tsunade glared at the pink haired woman sitting across from her. She didn't like the younger woman's tone, but she did have a point.

"Yeah, I saw it," Tsunade admitted. "I can understand him killing people, it is a necessity for a Kage, but I can't understand the bloodlust I saw in his eyes. That's not the Naruto I know. What do you think happened?"

"It has to be something with the fox," Sakura stated. Tsunade felt her stomach drop.

"He mentioned an offer."

"An offer from the fox?" Sakura asked. Tsunade nodded.

"He also implied that he accepted," she added. "Has he mentioned anything like that to you?"

"No," Sakura admitted.

"Mentioned what?" Tsunade jerked upwards again, but managed to avoid falling on her ass again.

"Naruto!"

"Yo," the blond replied from where he was perched on her windowsill with Anko next to him. "What do you know about Root?"

"Root?" Tsunade asked. There was something familiar about that word. "Like plants?"

"Like ninja," Naruto corrected. Tsunade frowned as she considered the word.

"Wasn't that an ANBU black ops training program or something?"

"Bingo." Tsunade frowned again as she came to a realization.

"It's a black ops program that you should know nothing about," she added before turning her gaze on Anko. To her surprise, the purple haired woman giggled and latched onto Naruto's arm. "What's wrong with her?"

"I think I might have short-circuited something upstairs," Naruto admitted. "Now, can you tell me what happened to Root?" Tsunade cast one more pointed glare at the giggling kunoichi before turning back to the blond.

"They were disbanded and the members were reintroduced to the ANBU," Tsunade stated. "Where are you going with this Naruto?"

"Who was in charge of Root and why were they disbanded?" Naruto pressed.

"Is there a point to this, or are you trying to get classified information out of me?" Tsunade asked. Naruto just grinned. "Damn it." Tsunade walked over to one of the walls of her office and performed a few seals. The genjutsu dropped to reveal a series of cubby holes filled with scrolls. "Just incase anybody wants to try anything stupid, if anyone but me grabs one of these things, they die." She selected one and made her way back to her desk. "This had better be important Naruto."

"I think it is," the blond stated. Tsunade sighed and opened the scroll. She buzzed through it quickly, her brow furrowing more with every word she read.

"Danzo."

"Good, now why was it disbanded?" Naruto asked. Tsunade kept reading.

"Old Man Sarutobi heard one too many rumors that Danzo was using Root to run his own operations," she stated.

"Guess how many of the ninja who tried to stop me were once part of Root," Naruto stated.

"God damn it," Tsunade growled. Danzo had been a major pain in the ass before, but now he was a very real threat.

"Now, what are you going to do about it?" Naruto asked. Tsunade sank back into her chair and reached into her desk for the bottle of vodka Naruto had given her.

"Nothing," she admitted.

"Explain now."

"I can't afford a civil war right now," Tsunade stated. "This village cannot appear in any way weakened while so many VIPs are in attendance. Danzo knows this too, so he won't try anything."

"Anything other than trying to kidnap me, you mean," Naruto growled. Tsunade smirked at that.

"I get the feeling he wouldn't be able to," she commented.

"That's not the point," Naruto complained, trying to hide a smirk of his own. "I'd recommend you order your ANBU to stay far away from me."

"Of course," Tsunade replied. "All those loyal to me won't bother you."

"And what am I allowed to do to the ones that do bother me?" Naruto pressed.

"Would it matter if I told you what I wanted you to do?" Tsunade asked.

"I'd take it under consideration."

(:ii:)

"So, what were you two talking about?"

"Village affairs," Sakura lied as she strolled along beside her former teammate.

"You two were kind of worked up," Naruto commented. Anko let out another giggle and walked on her toes to nuzzle the blonde's neck.

"What did you do to her?" Sakura demanded. She had never seen the ANBU interrogator in such a state.

"Well, I was kind of in a hurry and I might have knocked something loose," Naruto answered. "She'll be fine. . .probably. Now, what were you really talking about?" Sakura masked her thinking by studying Anko.

"In a hurry doing what?"

"You'd probably hit me if I told you the details."

"Probably," she admitted finally, "anyway, I was talking about my team. Are you sure she'll be fine?"

"Eighty-percent sure," Naruto stated. "Now what's wrong with your team?"

"Do you care?" Sakura sniped.

"Why are you mad at me?"

"I'm not mad!" Okay, maybe a little. "I'm just stressed, okay?"

"About what?"

"My team," Sakura stated. "Look, I'm worried about Kaori."

"What's wrong with her?"

"I'm worried that she's holding the team back," Sakura admitted. She hadn't intended to bring this up, but now she couldn't stop herself. "I held the whole team back last time, mostly because of her."

"Oh, yeah, the Chunin Exams. I forgot about that."

"You forgot?" Sakura deadpanned, somehow not surprised.

"Yeah. Yasu!" Sakura jumped and spun to face the man Naruto had just yelled at. "Go find out if the genin teams are in the village."

"Go. . .find. . .out. . .I just got here!" the harried-looking man snapped. "I've been lost in the woods for a week!"

"You got lost?" Naruto repeated. "Oh, that's clever."

"It's not my fault!" Yasu roared. "That bitch knocked me out!" Naruto turned and glanced at Sakura with a raised eyebrow.

"I didn't do anything," she stated.

"Not that bitch!" Yasu bellowed. "Rumiko!"

"What did you do?" Naruto asked.

"Nothing." The blond sighed in annoyance.

"Go find my genin teams," Naruto ordered. Yasu's jaw dropped to argue, but Naruto just pointed. After a moment, the other man sighed and leapt up onto a nearby building. "Well, that takes care of that, now what's wrong with Kaori?"

"She's holding back the team," Sakura stated flatly. "I keep trying to train her, but she isn't making it easy."

"I could give it a shot," Naruto offered.

"You?" Sakura asked, an eyebrow rising.

"Sure!" Naruto stated enthusiastically. "I've played sensei to a few of the people in my village and it usually turned out pretty good. Well, more good than bad, anyway."

"Like that kid whose hand you almost removed?"

"Shogo? That's nothing. He was being really annoying."

"You obviously haven't gotten to know Kaori yet," Sakura stated. She took a deep breath. "If I give her to you, you'll return her in one piece, right?"

"Absolutely," Naruto stated. Sakura studied him carefully.

"I mean, with all those pieces still attached." The blond flinched slightly. "And please, don't sleep with her."

"Isn't she a little young?"

"Oh, sorry. I didn't know you had standards."

"That was a cheap shot." Anko interrupted them by leaning up to nibble on his ear.

"You were saying?" Sakura asked.

"I said that it was a cheap shot, I didn't say it was unfounded."

"Yeah, we'll talk tomorrow," Sakura stated. "Good night Naruto." The blond glanced up and found himself in front of an apartment building.

"Your place?"

"Room three-oh-two," Sakura confirmed.

"Good night." Naruto watched her disappear up the stairs and growled in annoyance as Anko's grip on his arm tightened. "Okay, enough of that." Naruto slapped the woman hard enough to land her on her ass.

"Ow!"

"Feeling better?"

"No!" Anko snapped. "That hurt. . .and not in a good way." She glanced around and frowned. "Where are we?"

"Sakura's apartment," Naruto stated.

"Haruno?" Anko wondered. "How'd we get here?"

"We walked," Naruto stated. The purple haired woman stared at him in disbelief.

"I don't remember any of that."

"I can have that effect sometimes," Naruto stated. "Come on, time to go home."

(:ii:)

"So we walked all the way to the Hokage's office and then to Haruno's place?" Anko asked.

"Yeah," Naruto replied as he fished out the keys to his apartment. "You were pretty out of it.

"You are seriously, never getting rid of me," Anko stated. "Why are you making that face?" Naruto pointed to where his door was cracked open. "I'm guessing we didn't leave the door open?"

"No. We left through the window," Naruto stated as he studied his door. "If this is an ambush, I am severely disappointed."

"Well there's only one thing to do!" Anko announced. She promptly kicked the door all the way open and strolled in. "We're home!"

"That's actually exactly what I was about to do," Naruto admitted as he followed her in. He paused as he took in the redhead reclining on his couch.

"Did you get us a hooker?" Anko asked. Naruto sighed and walked to the kitchen to get himself a drink.

"That's the Mizukage," he called. "Who wants a drink?"

"I'll take one after I get my foot out of my mouth," Anko replied.

"I've heard good things about your country's local drink," the Mizukage added. Naruto nodded to himself and poured three tall glasses of vodka before drinking one, refilling it, and making his way to where the others were. "Drinks all around."

"Thank you," the Mizukage replied as she took her drink. Naruto nodded and squeezed in next to Anko on the love seat. He just knew this wasn't what he wanted it to be.

"This is about Kisame, right?"

"I was kind of hoping for a threesome," Anko stated.

"Your foot's in your mouth again," Naruto commented before turning back to the Mizukage. "This is about Kisame, right?"

"Yes," the redhead replied, "although I don't see why we can't use this opportunity to become more familiar."

"Look, Lady Mizukage. . ."

"Mei," the woman interrupted.

"Alright, Mei," Naruto allowed, "the big blue fruit loop is one of mine now. We don't have many rules in my village, but one of them is: no one betrays anyone."

"That is most unfortunate," Mei stated as she sipped her drink and smiled. "Are you sure there isn't anything I can do to convince you otherwise?"

"I'm sure."

"I see." Mei finished her drink and rose to her feet. "I respect that more than you can understand. I hope your faith isn't misplaced." Naruto and Anko both watched her walk out.

"Damn, you just got cock blocked," the purple haired woman stated.

"I know," Naruto replied. "Kisame, get in here!"

(:ii:)

Kisame sighed as his boss called for him. This wasn't going to be good. "I'm here." He dropped down onto the balcony and strolled in as casually as he could. "Hey boss." The punch that connected with Kisame's jaw damn near dropped him.

"I just missed out on some world class T&A because of you," the blond growled. "Give me one reason I shouldn't kill you."

"You were defending your principles?" Kisame ventured. The glare he got told him that principles weren't a good enough reason. "I've got good news?"

"Shoot."

"They're on the move," Kisame stated, casting a glance at the purple haired woman beside his boss. Naruto apparently didn't get it.

"Who?" The blue-skinned man sighed in annoyance.

"Them," he stated. Naruto's eyes shot open.

"Oh!"

"Yeah, oh," Kisame confirmed.

"Oh?" Anko ventured.

"What? No," Naruto stated.

"No oh?" Anko asked.

"No oh," Naruto confirmed.

"Just tell me," Anko ordered.

"Akatsuki," Naruto stated. The purple-haired woman straightened like she had been struck by lightning. "They're on the move."

"You know. . ." Anko started.

"I do," Naruto interrupted. "Orochimaru's dead, Anko."

"I'll believe that when I see a body," the purple-haired woman stated. "What are they doing?"

"I think they're coming this way," Kisame stated. "Good news?"

"It'll do," Naruto replied, "and here I was worrying that I'd actually have to track Madara down."

-End

(:ii:)

-Author's notes. Howdy. Been a while, eh? Ever have one of those months where bad shit just doesn't stop coming? A death, two car accidents (one my own), and a technical malfunction. Yeah, it's been one of those months. Don't worry, I knew the death was coming and nobody got really hurt in the accidents. Anyway, I crawled into a bottle and the gym on top of everything else going on in my life. Not a good combination. I did put on ten pounds of muscle, so that's kind of good, but I was so busy and distracted I missed my St. Patty's Day update for the first time in years.

So, the story. I figured I had to move the plot along eventually, so I did. A little. God, am I really up to chapter seventeen? This is probably going to be one of those deals where everything starts happening at once.

Anway, Happy Easter and what not.

Oh, and yes, I actually finished this up right before I posted it so there will be problems. Hey, you want perfect grammar or an update?

One more thing! Everybody sit back, have a drink and enjoy life. Shit changes suddenly and usually not for the better.


	18. Chapter 18

I don't own anything.

Nothing but Trouble

-Chapter Eighteen:

Tsunade frowned as she reread her speech. Why the hell did the genin tests require so many damned speeches? She glanced at the clock on her desk and blew out a frustrated breath. The sun would be coming up any moment now. "Long night?"

"Wagh!" Tsunade glared at the man from where she had fallen off her chair to the floor.

"How do you do that Naruto?"

"I am a ninja," the blond pointed out from his perch on her windowsill.

"So am I," Tsunade growled, "and I've been one for longer than you. Now how do you keep sneaking up on me?"

"Maybe you're just getting soft," Naruto suggested. Tsunade redoubled her glare as she climbed to her feet. There was no way in hell that she was getting soft, right?

"Where's your better half?"

"I put her to bed," Naruto stated.

"Ah." Tsunade sat back down and fished in her desk for her bottle.

"You're writing speeches at a time like this?" Naruto asked.

"Politics must go on," Tsunade said. "You should know that as a kage."

"I try to keep politics out of my village," Naruto explained.

"What do you want Naruto?" It wasn't that Tsunade was unhappy to see her fellow blond, but the last few times he had popped up unexpected, he had brought bad news.

"What would Danzo do if the village was attacked?" Tsunade let out another frustrated breath and poured herself a tall glass of vodka. She was going to have to get more of this stuff.

"Why are you asking?"

"Theoretically," Naruto said. "Just humor me."

"I don't know," Tsunade replied. "I just found out that the man is probably plotting my demise so that he can take over the village."

"So you think he'd probably defend the village?" Naruto asked.

"Well, you can't rule over a pile of rubble and bodies," Tsunade said. "What do you know?"

"I don't know anything," Naruto stated cheerfully, "just ask Rumiko." Tsunade finished her drink and poured another one.

"Can you kill Danzo?"

"Absolutely," Naruto answered, "but he had at least one hundred Root ninja, possibly more. I might have to kill them all. Can you afford that kind of loss?" Tsunade scowled.

"Damn you and your logic." Naruto grinned at her. "How many ninja do you have in this village?"

"Fifty-two," Naruto answered, "nine of which are taking the Genin test."

"I see." Tsunade sipped her glass. "Can I trust you Naruto?"

"For now."

"When should I stop?"

"You'll know."

(:ii:)

Sakura pushed aside the banners closing off Ichiraku's from the street and slid into the open seat next to the man she was looking for. "Morning."

"Its afternoon Naruto," Sakura pointed out.

"I really don't care," the blond replied.

"Where's Anko?"

"Work," Naruto stated.

"So, she snapped out of it?"

"Well, I snapped her out of it."

"Hey Sakura." Sakura turned and smiled at Ayame. "You want your usual?"

"Yes, please." The waitress smiled and moved into the back to let her father know.

"You have a usual?"

"This place is close to the hospital," Sakura replied with a shrug, not willing to admit that she had begun eating at Ichiraku's to feel closer to her absent teammate.

"If you say so," Naruto said before slurping up another mouthful of his ramen and swallowing noisily. "So, what about Kaori?"

"I want to know some things first," Sakura stated as he own bowl arrive.

"Shoot," Naruto replied.

"What happened when you left this village?" Sakura asked.

"I hunted down Akatsuki," Naruto answered. "Then I beat up the Land of Earth, took over my village and I've been celebrating every since." Sakura stared at him until his next bowl of ramen arrived.

"Well," she began finally, "that's one way of summarizing a decade."

"You didn't say anything about details," Naruto said blankly.

"I want to punch you in the face so much right now," Sakura stated, hoping he understood the willpower it took to not do so. "What happened when you left this village?"

"I went hunting," Naruto stated. "Kisame was my first find. I beat his ass into a pulp."

"Why'd you let him live?" Sakura asked.

"Well, this bitch named Ryoko came traipsing into the middle of our fight and threw off my stride," Naruto explained. "After that it was a little hard to get back in my groove and I realized that I could use Kisame. He helped me hunt down the rest of the group."

"How long did that take?" Sakura asked.

"About a year and a half."

"You hunted down and destroyed an organization of S-class missing nin in a year and a half?" Sakura demanded.

"It would have taken me longer without Kisame," Naruto answered with a shrug.

"How did you beat Kisame?"

"With my fists," Naruto stated cheerfully. The glare Sakura gave him would have killed lesser men. "What?"

"Kisame Hoshigaki is the most physically powerful missing-nin in the bingo book," Sakura said simply. "How did you beat him in a fight?"

"What can I say?" Naruto asked. "I just did."

"You used the fox, didn't you?" Sakura asked.

"You can't use the fox," Naruto answered. "It gets into the fights it wants to get into."

"Did it want to fight Kisame?"

"Big time. It had been too long since it had a fun fight. There just aren't as many strong ninja in the world anymore. God it's depressing. You know, back in my day. . ."

"Naruto, focus."

"Sorry." Sakura took a deep breath.

"You're still holding out on me," she stated. "I want the full truth and nothing you can say is going to distract me." Naruto froze, a saucer of sake halfway to his lips.

"What?"

"I said, I want the full. . ."

"After that," the blond interrupted.

"Nothing you can say is going to distract me," Sakura repeated. Naruto nodded to himself and finished the saucer before setting it down.

"So, did you suddenly sprout those tits or did you borrow some jutsu out of Granny's book?"

(:ii:)

"You really think he'll be here?"

"Yep," Rumiko stated. "Its breakfast time and this is his favorite ramen joint."

"It's noon," Yui commented.

"It's Naruto," Rumiko replied.

"Ah, right. So, breakfast." They both froze in mid-stride as a shriek of feminine fury tore through the peaceful din of the street. "You were right."

"Of course I was right." Their boss burst out of the small ramen stand with his pink haired teammate in close pursuit. "Wow. She has a lot more brawler in her than I would have though."

"Yeah," Yui agreed. "Actually, I would have pegged her as an infiltrator."

"Why?"

"Do you know how hard it is to throw a good punch with boobs like that?" Rumiko's eyes narrowed. "Ooooh, right. Sorry. Never mind."

"You have boobs like that and you're a brawler."

"I also bind them," Yui pointed out.

"You shouldn't do that," Rumiko lectured. "It's bad for you. You should let them go free."

"You're an idiot and you're a pervert." Rumiko turned and found herself face-to-face with her boss.

"Why am I a pervert?" Yui demanded.

"No, you're the idiot and she's the pervert," Naruto corrected. "What are you two doing here?"

"We need you to be in attendance for the presentation of the genin," Rumiko answered.

"Alright. Let's get going."

"What about her?" Rumiko asked, jerking her thumb at where the pinkette was trying to smear Naruto's shadow clone.

"He'll keep her busy for a while," Naruto said simply as he turned and began leading the way.

"What did she say?" Yui asked.

"She told me that I couldn't distract her," the blond replied.

"I doubt she meant that as a challenge," Rumiko commented.

"Well, it doesn't matter how she meant it, it only matters how I took it and I took it as a challenge," Naruto argued. "You know, I ran into Yasu last night." Rumiko felt her eyebrow twitch. "What'd he ever do to you?"

"Remember how we stole that train?" she asked.

"I'm still very proud of you for that," Naruto stated.

"Well, did you happen to notice how you didn't see that train at the end of the track?" Rumiko continued.

"Nope, but please continue."

"Dumbass couldn't figure out how to slow the train and it derailed and crashed in the woods," Rumiko said.

"So you knocked him out and left him out there?" Naruto asked. Rumiko nodded. "You know, if you swung my way, you'd be my perfect woman sometimes."

"If I swung your way you'd probably drive me into switching sides," Rumiko countered. Yui snickered.

"That was a great comeback," she said. "I'll go on ahead and make sure everything's in place." Rumiko watched her former teammate go.

"God she's stupid," Naruto grumbled. "I don't get what you see in her."

"Amazing knockers and a world-class ass," Rumiko stated. "Plus, she hasn't slept with you." Naruto laughed uproariously at that. Rumiko let him keep laughing for a few minutes. "I talked to Kisame."

"So?"

"Akatsuki is coming here."

"Not so loud," Naruto hissed. "You'll ruin the surprise."

"So, you want them to attack?"

"I've been hunting those damn Uchiha for years," Naruto stated. "Now, they're coming to me. I can get both in one swoop and finally have a clear slate with no damned promises hanging over my head."

"So this is all about that promise, eh?"

"Yes, this is all about that promise."

"You know, for an evil monster, you certainly do like keeping promises."

"Lying is for you humans."

(:ii:)

"Do we really have to be here?" Yuki frowned and glanced back at her bodyguard. The big man was being surprisingly hesitant about going to the presentation of the genin.

"Did you pick a fight with Naruto again?"

"It's not him I'm worried about," Kisame muttered. Yuki started to ask what he meant, but hesitated when she saw a familiar face not too far off.

"Naruto!" The blond turned and grinned.

"Hey Yuki."

"Can't you call her Daimyo in public?" Rumiko complained.

"No," Naruto answered. He glanced at Kisame. "You're looking kind of twitchy Fish boy."

"Be nice," Yuki ordered. The blond could be so insensitive at times.

"Ooh!" Naruto exclaimed.

"Ooh, what?" Kisame demanded.

"You're scared of Tits McGee!"

"I'm not scared of Tits McGee!" Kisame snarled.

"Hi Kisame!"

"Wagh!" Kisame quickly clamped a hand over his mouth. "Hi Mei."

"Did you just scream like a little girl?" Naruto deadpanned.

"No."

"We just heard you scream like a little girl," Naruto pointed out.

"You can't prove that was me," Kisame stated.

"He's always done that when he's surprised," Mei stated. "I remember back when we were on a genin team. . ."

"Mei," Kisame interrupted, "not now, please?"

"Oh, right." Mei mimed locking her lips. "We should get together and go drinking later."

"Sure, Mei."

"You're scared of her?" Yuki asked.

"You'd be scared too if you knew her better," Kisame grumbled.

"Order! Order!" Yuki glanced up and caught sight of the Hokage.

"Come on Kisame, Naruto can mock you more later."

(:ii:)

Sakura scowled as she made her way towards the village's auditorium. This was not turning out to be a good day. Not only had Naruto ditched her with a clone, she hadn't even been able to kill that damned thing! "Hey Sakura."

"Hey Yuki," Sakura returned absently. It took her a moment to realize what had just appeared. "Oh! Sorry Lady Kaza. . ."

"Yuki," the daimyo interrupted. "You look pissed. Naruto?"

"Naruto," Sakura confirmed.

"Yeah, he has that affect on a lot of women," Yuki stated. "You didn't. . ."

"What?"

"You know. . ." Sakura's eyes shot open.

"No!"

"Okay, good." Yuki let out a sigh of relief. "I'd hate to see sex come between two friends."

"Did someone say sex?" Sakura spun and punched her old teammate. To her annoyance, he barely reacted to her hit.

"You ditched me!"

"Of course I did," Naruto countered. "I needed to be here." Sakura scowled at his reasoning. "So, Kaori?"

"You can have her!" Sakura snapped. "Unfortunately, it's too late to do anything for the first two stages of the testing."

"That's fine, I'm not much for book tests."

"Tell me about it," Yuki and Sakura grumbled in unison.

"Don't you two start. I get enough of that from Rumiko and Yui."

"You promised me that you would tell me what happened when we got back to the village," Sakura accused.

"I did, but I didn't say when," Naruto answered.

"He does that a lot," Yuki said. "Every time you think you have him locked into an ironclad promise, he finds an out."

"It's a habit," Naruto admitted.

"God damn it!" Sakura took several deep breaths before stepping forward to violate Naruto's personal space. "I will have the truth or I will have your balls." Both Yuki and Naruto watched her storm away.

"Was it really a good idea to piss her off?" Yuki asked.

"Seemed like one at the time," Naruto admitted.

"What does it seem like now?"

"Now, it kind of seems like a bad idea."

"I bet."

-End

(:ii:)

-Author's notes. I live! I also drink. No, seriously. I am extremely piss drunk right now. It took me five tries to log in to. I just know I'm going to have to go over this story again tomorrow when I'm more sober. I would hold the story back, but I haven't updated in. . .what. . .six weeks?

Alright folks, I do believe that I have tied up all loose ends and can get back to updating on a regular schedule. The key word there is "believe." As you should know, belief is not my specialty.

In order to get back into the real swing of things, I believe I should bring up an old fashioned Mister C. Bitch Fest, so here we go. The KFC Double Down. According to most of America, this is an evil on par with anything. I have faced this horror and must admit that it was delicious. Why does most of America's media seem to think this wonder is so dangerous? Because Americans always need a scapegoat. Why are American's fat? because of the evil fast food industry. It can't be anyone's fault. It must be KFC's.

Am I the only one who sees a problem here? Do you know what I did after I ate three Double Downs? I ran three miles and worked out for an hour in the gym. Overkill? Maybe. Impossible? Hardly. I am far from being the most in shape American. If I can do it, chances are, anyone can do it.

Excuse me for thinking that a threat that can be defeated by working out isn't much of a threat.

If none of this makes sense, than I must remind you: I just finished four White Russians and several Yuenglings. Good night!


	19. Chapter 19

I don't own anything.

Nothing but Trouble

-Chapter Nineteen

Kaori scowled as she hammered on the door in front of her. Not only had her sensei pawned her off onto her old teammate, but now said teammate wasn't even answering his door. "Cut that shit out!" Wait, scratch that. He hadn't been answering his door.

"Naruto, it's me! Open up!"

"God damn it." The door burst open and Kaori's mind blanked out as she found herself face-to-face with a very naked Naruto. "I knew it was you. Now, what the hell do you want?" Unfortunately, Kaori was in no way emotionally ready to deal with the blond sans clothes.

"Uh. . .well. . .I. . .well. . ." Naruto stared at her for a moment in confusion before glancing down.

"Stay," he ordered before slamming the door shut. Kaori probably wouldn't have moved even if he hadn't said anything. The door banged back open a moment later and the blond reappeared, this time wearing pants. "Now, what the hell do you want?"

"Sakura said that you were going to be teaching me," Kaori managed without stuttering. Naruto stared at her contemplatively for a moment before stepping aside and waving her into his apartment.

"She told you to come to my apartment?"

"Yeah!" Naruto's eyebrow rose. "I think. Maybe?"

"I'm not helping you with the book test," Naruto clarified. "Books aren't really my thing." Kaori felt her stomach drop. She wasn't much for book tests either and she had kind of been hoping he could help her with that.

"What about the survival test?" she pressed.

"It's cake. Don't die and kill everything else that moves," Naruto answered as he moved into the kitchen and began hunting through the cupboards.

"Who are you talking to?" someone called from the bedroom.

"We have company," Naruto called back. "Put on some clothes."

"Aww, but I thought your little secretary liked ogling. . ." the woman trailed off as she walked into the room and caught sight of Kaori. "That's not Rumiko."

"I noticed," Naruto replied.

"Isn't she a little young?"

"I'm thirteen!" Kaori protested. Her mind caught up to her mouth a few seconds later. "Wait, what are we talking about?"

"Well, thirteen's fine I guess," the woman stated. Her face lit up rather suddenly. "I bet I could turn you into a real femme fatale!" In a flash she was behind Kaori and groping her. "Hey, these ain't bad for a thirteen-year-old. With a little training, you'd have guys hopping on their own kunai for you!"

"She freaking you out?" Naruto asked as he prepared a cup of noodles.

"A little," Kaori admitted, too shocked to do anything else.

"Would it help if she put on some clothes?"

"I don't think so."

"How about if I told you that she probably does have your best interest at heart?" Naruto added.

"Maybe." To Kaori's great relief, the blond finally stepped in and swatted the other woman's hands away from her.

"Leave her alone Anko," he ordered. "The only person allowed to traumatize my apprentices is me."

"Yeah!" Kaori agreed, finally managing to overcome her shock enough to find righteous fury in her own embarrassment. "Wait. . .what?"

(:ii:)

Naruto slurped down a mouthful of noodles and pondered the situation he was in. He really hadn't planned on putting up with Kaori today. Of course, it wasn't like he actually had anything planned anyway. "Rumiko!"

"What?" Anko asked.

"We can get Rumiko to help her with the book test," Naruto explained.

"Why? It's not like that stupid test actually. . ." Naruto silenced his purple-haired paramour with a single look. She pouted and poked at her cup of ramen. "It's stupid."

"It serves it's purpose," Naruto stated before glancing up at the clock on the wall. Rumiko would probably pop up any time now to try to get him to do something. "You remember Rumiko, right?"

"I think she wants to kill me," Kaori stated.

"At this point, that's probably the best you could hope for," Naruto grumbled. He'd have to sit both Rumiko and Anko down and give them a lecture on molesting his new student. "That big guy's running the test again, right?"

"Yep," Anko answered. "Ibiki sometimes manages to make genin quit just by walking into a room. Sometimes a few quit when he takes off his bandana." Naruto sighed in disgust.

"Genin these days. You know, in my day. . ."

"You mean back when I helped administer your genin test?" Anko interrupted, bringing Naruto up short.

"Uh. . .yeah."

"You administered his test?" Kaori asked. "How'd he do?"

"He failed."

"I did not fail," Naruto corrected, "the village came under attack and the tests were necessarily postponed."

"Your little Nara friend passed," Anko pointed out.

"So, did you have to retest?" Kaori pressed. Naruto frowned and considered that.

"Well, I guess I could have at some point."

"Wait, you're still a genin?" Kaori asked. The blond didn't answer. "Does that mean that if I make chunin I can order you around?"

"I like the way you think, kiddo," Anko stated, slinging an arm around the girl's shoulders and inadvertently hugging the girl's head to her naked breast. Naruto was kept from intervening again by Rumiko's timely appearance, in the form of his door almost being pounded off its hinges.

"Why the hell is this door wedged shut!"

"Oh good," Naruto muttered as he dug a wad of yen out of his pocket and pressed it into Kaori's hand.

"Go get ramen."

"You just had ramen," Kaori protested.

"Now," Naruto ordered. "Ichiraku's beef. Ten bowls."

"This is way more than I need!" Kaori added, fanning through the cash.

"Consider the extra A-rank pay," Naruto stated, "because if the ramen is cold when you get back here, I am going to introduce you to a whole new spectrum of pain. Like a pain rainbow. Understand?"

"Got it," Kaori squeaked, quickly heading for the door.

"Use the window." The genin didn't bother protesting as she changed course in mid-step and hopped out the window before Naruto opened his door.

"What the hell took you?" Rumiko demanded. Naruto waved her in and shut the door behind her.

"Sit."

"Don't tell me to. . ."

"Sit." Rumiko sat. Then she nudged her chair as close to Anko's as possible. Naruto sat as well and considered the two women in front of him. "Both of you listen and listen good. I have a new student."

"Didn't I tell you that you couldn't have any more students until you learned to care for the properly?" Rumiko asked.

"You two are not allowed to do anything funny to her," Naruto said, ignoring his assistant.

"Her?" Rumiko asked, immediately perking up.

"Kaori," Naruto explained. "She's thirteen and I know that's too young for you, but I don't know how desperate you are yet."

"Not that desperate," Rumiko growled.

"I could take care of that for you," Anko offered.

"Not that desperate either."

"Yet," Naruto added for her. "Listen, I need you to try and bring her up to speed for her book test. . ."

"Tomorrow," Anko supplied.

"Tomorrow," Naruto said.

"It doesn't really matter," Anko stated. "The test doesn't count."

"The genin don't know that," Naruto said. "If that little scare at the end can make a genin quit, that genin doesn't deserve to be a ninja and I won't waste my time on them." They remained silent for a few minutes.

"So, does Sakura know what you intend to do to her genin?" Rumiko asked finally.

"I promised her I wouldn't seriously injure the girl," Naruto answered.

"So, what's your plan then?"

"Being on a team with her over-achieving twin and the rookie of year, Kaori's developed a nice big red button labeled 'Inferiority Complex," Naruto stated. "I'm going to mash the hell out of that button until she either becomes an outstanding ninja or kills herself. Whichever comes first."

(:ii:)

"I'm back!" Kaori called as she pushed her new teacher's door open. She stepped into the spacious apartment beyond and hesitated. Naruto had been joined by another woman, but at least she was wearing clothes.

"Did you get the ramen?"

"Still hot," Kaori confirmed as she set down the pack that the lady at the ramen shack had been nice enough to lone her. She glanced at the new woman and recognized the lady who had threatened to kill her, resurrect her, and then mount her head on a pole outside the Village of Snow. "Hi."

"Hi," Rumiko returned. "As Naruto already told you, he wants me to go over the test with you."

"Yeah. Thanks." Kaori wasn't sure whether to be happy about that or not.

"And she'll be doing it under my supervision," Naruto added making Rumiko grit her teeth, but not argue.

"What's he talking about?" Kaori asked.

"Ask again when you're legal," Anko said cheerfully.

"I'm legal now," Kaori argued.

"Ask in four or five years," Rumiko answered.

"Or a few more days depending on her desperate she is," Naruto noted.

(:ii:)

Kisame couldn't help but sigh in disgust as he stepped into his boss's apartment and took in the scene. "Isn't she a little young?"

"She's my new apprentice," Naruto stated from where he was sitting on the couch.

"Then why's she naked?" Kisame pressed, pointing at Anko who was spooning against Naruto's side.

"Because she wants to be," Naruto answered. "I was about to tell her to get dressed though, since she's distracting Rumiko."

"She's not distracting me!" Rumiko called from the kitchen table where she was pouring over scrolls with Naruto's new 'apprentice.'

"What's up Fish Boy?"

"Is there somewhere we could talk privately?"

"Need dating advice for Tits McGee?" Naruto asked. "It pains me to allow that ship to sail, but a woman would be good for you."

"I do not need dating advice," Kisame growled. "I need to talk to you in privacy." Naruto shrugged and formed a few hand signs. A white circle flared to life briefly around them and faded away. "What was that?"

"Privacy barrier," Naruto stated. "It's, like, the second thing you learn in politics. Right after how to assassinate someone and get away with it."

"That's kind of cool," Kisame commented.

"I know that one," Anko said. "It's great for quickies with screamers."

"Does everything come back to sex with you two?"

"Pretty much," Naruto answered. "What's up?"

"Actually, we need a little more privacy than that," Kisame said, glancing at Anko.

"Just spill it," Naruto ordered.

"Akatsuki is in position," Kisame stated. "They're ready to attack."

"And yet they haven't," Naruto commented.

"True," Kisame allowed. "I have no idea what they're waiting for, but I suggest a preemptive strike. We have a dozen of the village's heavy hitters here. We could take on a country if necessary. I have a plan. . ."

"You have a plan?" Naruto asked.

"I got bored and came up with it, okay?" Kisame demanded. "I have every intention of abandoning it at the first sign of trouble. Now, my plan is to. . ."

"No."

"No?"

"Yes."

"Yes?"

"I'm going to beat you to death if you keep that up," Naruto growled. "No, we are not attacking them."

"Why not?"

"We attack them, the Uchiha might rabbit," Naruto answered. "I need that one Uchiha alive and I need to kill the other one."

"Fine by me," Kisame stated. He glanced back at Anko. "What about you?"

"Well, I know this is my village and all, but most of the people here are dicks," Anko stated. "It doesn't really sound like you're going to let the place get wiped out, so I'm okay with it."

"You loyalty is inspiring," Kisame commented. "And yes," he interrupted Naruto before the blond could speak, "I am aware of the irony there, though I would like to point out that I have loyally served you for years."

"Only because you're scare of me," Naruto pointed out.

"Also because I don't have to live on the road," Kisame added. "I will betray anything for my nice memory foam mattress."

"What do you know," Naruto said blankly, "everybody really does have a price."

-End

(:ii:)

-Author's notes. Yet again I let this run too late and now I'm throwing up something that I haven't had time to proofread.

Speaking of proofreading, I really need to get around to fixing the previous chapters. They're a bit of a mess. You see, I have this problem where if I come up with a funny enough joke, I will stop the plot to use it. I also despise anything serious that drags on too long for my taste so I will completely destroy a tense scene with a joke. Most of you have probably already noticed this.

Happy Memorial Day. Don't party too hard, and remember that there is a reason for this holiday beyond barbeques.


	20. Chapter 20

I don't own anything.

Nothing but Trouble

-Chapter Twenty:

"I can't believe I just spent the entire night helping a genin study," Rumiko moaned as she drained her cup of coffee and dropped it into a nearby trashcan as they passed. "How did you talk me into this?"

"You would have done it anyway," Naruto stated. "You just love showing off what a smart ass you are."

"No I don't!" Rumiko protested. Naruto just ignored her and slipped through the curtains and into Ichiraku's. "Hey Ayame."

"Hi Naruto! You want your usual?"

"And lots of coffee," Naruto answered. "You drink coffee, right?"

"Uh, yeah," Kaori replied. She had been so quiet that Naruto had almost forgotten she was there. "Hey, Naruto?"

"Yeah?"

"Can you show me that circle of silence thing?" Naruto frowned at the odd request, but nodded. He gave the girl a quick run down of the hand seals. "Can I use your bathroom?"

"Well," Ayame began, frowning, "normally it's not for customer use, but since you're a friend of Naruto's, I guess so."

"Thanks."

"No problem." The waitress watched the genin disappear into the back. "She doesn't look too good."

"She's taking the chunin exam today," Naruto said.

"Ooh. Poor dear. She must be so nervous"

"She'll be fine," Rumiko stated. "At least, after all the time and effort I put into her, she'd better be fine."

"Oh my God! I'm going to fail! I'm gonna be a genin forever!" All three stared at the doorway the genin had disappeared into.

"I guess she messed up that circle of silence technique, right?" Ayame asked.

"Coffee, black," Naruto ordered. "Nobody says shit, understand?"

"Was someone just screaming?" Teuchi asked as he walked out of the back kitchen.

"No," Naruto answered.

"Are you sure?"

"Yes."

"You heard someone screaming, right Ayame?" Teuchi asked.

"You're hearing things again dad," Ayame replied.

"Oh." The ramen chef frowned. "Okay."

"This is going to be a long day," Rumiko stated.

(:ii:)

"Where the hell is she?" Sakura glared at the group of genin waiting outside the testing area and then down at her watch. "That brat is late."

"Which one?" Sakura spun and came face-to-face with Naruto. "Last I saw, you had three brats."

"Now is not the time," Sakura growled. "Kaori's late."

"You said eight." Sakura glanced down and scowled as she spotted her genin at her teammate's side.

"You should know to be here fifteen minutes early," she stated. Then she frowned. "Wait, why are you with him?"

"You told me to go over to his place to study," Kaori answered.

"No, I told you that Naruto was going to help you study for the other parts of the exam," Sakura corrected.

"Oh, sorry. I wasn't paying attention after the first part." Sakura sighed and pinched the bridge of her nose as she felt a migraine kicking in. She glanced back at her genin. "You look like hell."

"Rumiko kept me up all night," Kaori explained.

"Oh. . .wait. What did she keep you up all night doing?"

"Lesbian does not mean depraved sexual deviant, thank you," Rumiko said rather stiffly as she stepped into Sakura's line of sight.

"Sorry."

"Wait, you're a lesbian?" Kaori asked. "You know what? I don't care anymore. I just want to take this stupid test and go to sleep."

"Alright," Sakura drawled slowly, unused to any kind of seriousness from the younger woman. She quickly gathered her genin. "Okay, you three. Good luck and remember, no matter what, don't give up on yourselves and each other." They all made sounds of agreement before disappearing into the building. "You were helping her study, right?"

"No, I had her bent over a table and rimmed the hell out of her," Rumiko answered sarcastically. "Yes, I was helping her study."

"Just. . .needed to be sure," Sakura replied. "Rim?"

"You don't know?" Naruto asked.

"I don't want to know," Sakura corrected after a moment of though.

"Hey Sakura!" The pink-haired kunoichi turned and smiled as she spotted an old friend walking towards her.

"Hey Kiba."

"Oh, no. Not you again," Rumiko groaned. Kiba turned to her and grinned brightly after a moment.

"Well, hello cutie."

"You two know each other?" Sakura ventured.

"He doesn't get fuck off and die, right Naruto?" Rumiko asked.

"Naruto?" Kiba repeated. The blond turned.

"Kiba?"

"Hey!" Sakura had to laugh as the two slugged each other and exchanged other stupid male greetings.

"Wait, you totally cut in on my action!" Kiba protested.

"You aren't her type," Naruto replied solemnly.

"And you are?"

"No," Naruto answered flatly. "Actually, Sakura is her type." Sakura's laughter trailed off and she glanced at Rumiko who had gone as red as her yukata.

"What?" Kiba asked intelligently. "Ooooh." He scratched the back of his head sheepishly. "I was wondering why my charms weren't working."

"Yeah, I'm sure that's the only reason," Naruto commented.

"Cheap shot," Kiba growled. "I'll have you know, I'm good with the ladies." That was when Rumiko began giggling hysterically. "What?"

"Sorry, sorry," the woman gasped. "It's just. . .I've never heard anybody brag about womanizing to Naruto of all people." Kiba glanced over at his fellow ninja questioningly, but Naruto just shrugged.

"I have a way with the ladies too," the blond said solemnly.

"If you say so," Kiba replied. "Hey, I've gotta run, but I'm having a big party for as many of the old Konoha Eleven as I could get my hands on. You should come."

"Sure," Naruto replied. "I'll be there."

(:ii:)

"What's a Konoha Eleven?"

"It was a group of genin," Naruto answered as he pushed the door to his apartment open and stepped inside. "It's been a long time since I even thought of that name."

"With what's happening, are you sure partying is the best idea?" Rumiko asked. "The exams have started. Who's to say the Uchiha aren't going to attack now?"

"They'll wait for the final part of the exam," Naruto stated confidently.

"What makes you say that?" Rumiko asked.

"The Uchiha are drama queens like that," Naruto answered.

"Oh, drama queen ninja, that's new." Naruto hesitated, one hand digging through the fridge for a beer. He glanced back and noticed Rumiko staring at him.

"I am not a drama queen," he answered with as much dignity as he could. "I have a good sense of theatre. There's a difference."

"If you say so," Rumiko replied. Naruto glared at her for a second before digging out two beers and throwing one at her. "Thanks."

"No problem." Naruto heard the front door bang open and grabbed another beer before closing the fridge with his foot. "Hello?"

"Hey Boss," Kisame called. Naruto made his way back to the sitting room.

"Anything new?"

"Nope, the Uchiha are just hanging out on the outskirts of the town," Kisame replied as he accepted the beer.

"See?" Naruto asked.

"Aren't you supposed to be protecting our daimyo?" Rumiko demanded.

"I wanted him out and about," Naruto answered. "I stuck Yui and Yuki on guard duty."

"You do know they've been fighting like cats and dogs, right?" Rumiko asked. Naruto grinned. "Of course you know that. That's why you did it."

"Why are they fighting so much?" Kisame asked.

"They got drunk and shacked up," Naruto answered.

"Oh." Naruto let that sink in for a minute. "Hey, wait a minute!"

"Yeah, they're twins," the blond stated.

"They didn't shack up," Rumiko interrupted.

"What? You told me. . ."

"They got drunk and I stripped them and stuck them in a bed," Rumiko corrected.

"Why in God's name would you do that?" Kisame demanded. "I mean, what on Earth could lead you to betray the trust of your old genin teammates?"

"I was bored," Rumiko answered simply as she sipped her beer.

"God I wish your were strait," Naruto stated wistfully. He finished his beer and chucked it at the trashcan. "How many days do we have until the final exam?"

"It depends," Rumiko stated. "The written exam will finish today. The survival portion starts tomorrow. It will last until all teams are accounted for or five days pass. After that, if too many pass, there will be an elimination tournament. After that will be the main tournament."

"So, about two weeks?" Naruto ventured.

"At the most," Rumiko answered.

"That's a long time to do nothing," Naruto grumbled.

"Nothing?" Rumiko asked. "Don't you have your little girlfriend to keep you occupied?"

"She's fun, but this place is just boring," Naruto answered. "I want to get into a fight. As a matter of fact, I want to get into several. . ." He was interrupted when the door burst open. "Hello?" Kaori marched into the room and Naruto climbed to his feet. "Hey, how'd the test. . ." Kaori slugged Naruto in the stomach hard enough to knock the wind out of him and drop him to his knees.

"You knew that test didn't count!" she snapped. "I went through all that work for nothing!"

"So, you passed?" Naruto wheezed.

"You asshole!" the genin spun on her heel and marched back out.

"You just got sucker punched by a genin," Kisame commented after a moment.

"Yeah, I did," Naruto confirmed.

"Still want to get into some fights?" Rumiko asked.

"No," Naruto answered. "I just want to sit here for a while and think about how slow I've gotten over the years."

(:ii:)

"Hello?" Sakura called as she pushed the door to Naruto's apartment open. She stepped into the room and found the blond sitting in the middle of the floor, surrounded by empty beer bottles. "What are you doing?"

"Thinking," the blond replied.

"Okay," Sakura said slowly. "What are you thinking about?"

"I'm losing my touch," Naruto stated. "I need to go find the most powerful ninja I can and beat the hell out of him. Any suggestions?"

"Kisame?"

"Someone called?" the blue man asked as he walked out of the kitchen. "By the by, you've drained all the alcohol in the apartment."

"Fuck," Naruto grumbled. He glanced back at Sakura. "Not Kisame. I want to fight someone dangerous."

"I am dangerous," Kisame growled.

"I meant, dangerous to me," Naruto corrected.

"Ah hell, why not pick a fight with the Raikage?" Sakura suggested, hoping to head off any approaching argument. Naruto perked up immediately. "I was joking."

"No, you're right. His brother has the Eight-Tailed in him and the Raikage is still the boss, that means the Raikage is stronger than the Eight-Tailed."

"Or his brother is just lazy," Kisame commented. "I totally think you should fight his brother."

"What is your problem with the Raikage's brother?" Naruto demanded.

"I don't know, I just don't like the guy."

"You do know that could cause an international incident, right?" Sakura interrupted.

"So?" The pink haired jonin sighed and dragged her teammate up and began towards the door. "Where are we going?"

"We're going to Kiba's party," Sakura answered. Maybe if she got him even more drunk, he would forget about the Raikage or his brother.

"But I want to go get into a fight," Naruto whined.

"What brought this about?" Sakura asked.

"Kaori floored him with one gut shot," Kisame called as he sank down on Naruto's couch. That brought Sakura up short.

"My Kaori?"

"Yep." Sakura decided to keep how impressed she was to herself. Saying anything would probably only egg Naruto on. Instead she pushed the door open and managed to half-drag her old teammate out into the hall before kicking the door shut behind them.

"Where are we going?"

"Kiba's party," Sakura repeated. "Come on, you talked to him twelve hours ago."

"It's been twelve hours?" Naruto asked. "Seems like only a few. It was probably that third case."

"Third case?" Sakura replied. "How many beers are in a case?"

"Twenty four bottles," Naruto stated.

"You drank seventy-two bottles of beer?" Sakura asked.

"No, I drank one hundred and twenty bottles of beer," Naruto answered. "I think. I mean, there was five case boxes back there and Kisame doesn't like beer."

"How do you feel?"

"I'm a little buzzed," Naruto admitted. "I'll be fine by the time we get there." Sakura wasn't exactly sure what to say about that. Was it possible to drink one hundred and twenty beers in twelve hours without dying? She couldn't remember how much alcohol was in beer, but it didn't seem likely.

"Maybe you shouldn't drink any more tonight."

"I'm fine," Naruto replied. "Although, if I sober up, maybe I can go find the Raikage!"

"Who's up for more beer?" Sakura demanded. Naruto blinked at her owlishly for a moment.

"I am."

"Good."

-End

(:ii:)

-Author's notes. Well, fuck. I really did need to move the plot along, so here it is. I thought about adding the party and major reunion to this chapter, but then I remembered that I'm a dick. A drunk dick. As usual, this was edited on my day off, i.e. drinking day. Mistake will abound.

So, anyway, shit's been real busy lately. My dad is now heading in for three surgeries, so yeah. I moved back home to help out. Don't know how this will affect my writing schedule. By the way, if your mom ever asks "Are you drunk?" It's totally a trick question. There is no right answer. And if you get drunk your one night off the entire week, you are an alcoholic in her eyes.

So, anyway again, excuses for not updating. Last week, was a surprise christening for my nephew. It wasn't so much a surprise for him because he's not even one yet, but it was a surprise for me because everybody forgot to tell me.

The week before went something like this. I'm sitting around Friday afternoon and my phone rings. It's my buddy and he says, "Hey Jack, you want to go to Philly and watch some fights?" To which I reply, "Do I!" Unfortunately, or fortunately, the fights went by way to quick and we ended up getting cheese steaks and going to this tiny, hole in the wall strip club. I mean, the place was so small there were two girls working and no cover charge. I'll summarize the evening by saying that myself and my two friends ended up strolling out of that bar and then sprinting to the car before the bouncer could figure out what we did.

That was a good night.


	21. Chapter 21

I don't own anything.

Nothing but Trouble

-Chapter Twenty-One:

Sakura watched contemplatively as her old friend sauntered along beside her. In the twenty minutes they had spent strolling out to the Inuzuka compound, the blond had gone from stumbling drunk to dead sober. It didn't seem human. She glanced up the road and spotted the lights of the compound. "There it is."

"Kind of far out into the woods," Naruto commented.

"The Inuzuka like it that way," Sakura replied with a shrug. Naruto froze in mid-step.

"They're the dog people, aren't they?" Sakura frowned at that question.

"Yeah, weren't you and Kiba friends back at the academy?" she asked.

"Well, yeah, but I forgot about the dogs. I hate dogs."

"Since when?" Sakura demanded.

"I've always hated dogs," Naruto answered with a shrug. He took a deep breath and started on the way again. Sakura studied him for a moment before falling into step beside him. They reached the main building and the door banged open even as Sakura raised her fist to knock.

"Hey guys!"

"Hey Kiba," Sakura returned politely as the man waved them in and shut the door behind them. "Sounds like we're late," she noted, hearing the music and chatter of voices coming from the living room.

"Fashionably," Naruto added.

"Very fashionably," Kiba replied as he led the way. "Almost everybody's here. The only guy I couldn't get a hold of was Neji. All I could find out about him was that he's somewhere in Moss Country. Hell, I even. . ."

"Moss Country?" Naruto interrupted.

"Yeah, you know something?" Kiba asked.

"Absolutely," Naruto answered. Sakura let that go on for a moment.

"Well?"

"Well what?" Naruto asked.

"What's Neji doing in Moss Country?" Kiba asked.

"You probably don't want to know," Naruto answered. "So, what did you even?"

"Oh, I even found Shikamaru," Kiba stated. "Luckily, he ended up back in the village with his wife. He spends half the year in the Village Hidden in the Sand."

"He's married?" Naruto asked in shock.

"She proposed." Sakura glanced up and smiled as she saw her old friend.

"Hey Shikamaru."

"Sakura," the spiky-haired jonin replied before turning back to Naruto. "As I was saying, she proposed."

"You still had to say yes," Naruto pointed out. "God knows if you could end up married because a chick asked, I'd have been married years ago."

"True," Shikamaru allowed, "but then again, it was too troublesome to say no." That was when his wife strolled into the entryway and pasted her husband across the back of his head.

"You say that now," Temari stated. "Gaara's been looking for you, Naruto. He told me you and he were going out for food and you had to run because somebody was trying to kill you or something."

"Ah, it was just some village dicks trying to get me declared a missing nin," Naruto corrected. "Don't worry. I took care of it with a record low in fatalities!"

"How many?" Temari asked curiously.

"One," Naruto answered proudly. "Of course, I didn't check up on those other guys so it might be ten, but that's still a record low for an interaction between myself and politics."

"What?" Sakura demanded.

"Huh?"

"Somebody was trying to get you declared a missing nin?" Sakura asked.

"Did I forget to mention that?"

"Naruto!" The blond turned and did a fairly impressive job of curling into the fetal position while remaining standing.

"I'm sorry!" Ino stumbled in her headlong charge at the man. He peaked out from under one arm and slowly relaxed. "Sorry, thought you were someone else."

"That chick you stiffed?" Sakura ventured.

"I stiff a lot of chicks," Naruto replied.

"The one you ditched with the bill in the Land of Moon," Sakura clarified.

"Oh, that kind of stiffing, wait. How do you know about that?" Sakura let out an exasperated cry and stormed into the den.

"Sounds like you've had some interesting times," Ino stated blankly.

"You have no idea," Naruto commented. Ino shook off her shock and snatched up the man's arm and led him towards the den.

"Why don't you tell me all about it." Temari and Shikamaru followed after them leaving Kiba by himself in the entryway. He grinned broadly.

"Hot damn. And I was worried this would be a dull evening!"

(:ii:)

Kiba poured himself a drink and moved to sit beside the only real wallflower at his party. "What's eating you?"

"Did you know that villagers tried to declare Naruto a missing nin?" Sakura asked.

"Yeah, my mom was there to represent our clan," Kiba answered.

"So, I'm the only one who didn't know?" Kiba knew a loaded question when he heard one.

"So, you two are having trouble?" Sakura whipped around viciously and Kiba edged away slightly. "I meant, as friends." The pink-haired woman took a deep, calming breath.

"He didn't even think to tell me that people were trying to kick him out of the village," she growled. "We're supposed to be teammates!"

"I take it this isn't the first time that he hasn't mentioned something, right?" Kiba guessed. He glanced down at the table in front of the woman and winced as he took note of the array of bottles spread on its surface. This wasn't the kind of excitement he had been hoping for. "Why don't you just talk to him?"

"I've tried!" Sakura stated. "He keeps dodging me."

"So, hold him down and beat it out of him," Kiba suggested.

"I. . ." Sakura trailed off and pondered that.

"Maybe you can try that later, though," he added. He really didn't want the super-powered brawler jumping someone in the middle of his living room. He was still replacing the items that Sakura had wrecked the last time she had gotten rowdy at one of his parties. "If you'll excuse me." Kiba climbed to his feet and began making his way through the crowd towards the life of the party.

(:ii:)

Naruto was having a pretty damned good time. It was fun to see so many familiar faces. Well, that and the way Ino was staying tight against his side was providing rather tantalizing promises for later. That was when someone grabbed him by the throat and dragged him off to a corner. "Kiba!"

"We need to talk buddy," the feral shinobi stated. "Sakura is drunk and I think she wants to kick your ass."

"Oh?" Naruto stood on his toes and winced as he caught sight of Sakura working her way through a bottle of sake. "Yeah, she does look kind of pissed."

"What aren't you telling her?" Kiba demanded.

"What?"

"She's pissed at you for keeping secrets," Kiba answered. "You know, just because you're not on a genin team anymore, doesn't mean you can't talk to her. Hell, I still talk with Shino and Hinata all the time."

"You do know that I'm the leader of a hidden village, right?" Naruto asked. "I'm supposed to have secrets."

"Somehow I don't think Sakura gives a shit about the internal politics of your village," Kiba commented. Naruto studied the man shrewdly.

"So, you two are. . ."

"Broken up," Kiba replied. "We're broken up on good terms and she is still one of my closest friends. Tell her what she wants to know."

"And if the truth would hurt her more than anything else?" Naruto ventured.

"Lie to her."

"Lying is for you humans."

"What?" Kiba deadpanned.

"What?" Naruto asked.

"What did you just say?" Kiba asked.

"What," Naruto answered helpfully.

"What did you just say?" Kiba demanded.

"What." Kiba's eyebrow began ticking rather violently. "You know, this conversation isn't going anywhere and I kind of have this chick I'm trying to convince to have a threesome, so I need to get back to that." Kiba could only watch as the blond meandered away. Yeah, he could see how that guy could get on someone's nerves.

(:ii:)

"So, what did Kiba want?"

"He's worried about Sakura," Naruto answered as he refilled his cup.

"Yeah, they dated while you were gone," Ino commented as she clutched his arm tighter. Naruto contemplated his approaches. The other blond had to know about Anko, but she was definitely trawling for some fun. That either meant that she was trying to steal him from Anko, not smart, or she was trying to join in. "Why are you smiling like that?"

"Oh, nothing," Naruto commented. He bumped into someone and turned to catch a flash of long, dark hair and pale eyes. "Hinata!"

"Na-na-naruto," the woman managed to squeak before he grabbed her in a tight hug. She was so cute when she blushed. "Eep."

"You did that on purpose," Ino accused as Naruto gentled Hinata's prone form down onto a nearby couch.

"Maybe," he admitted. "Same old Hinata."

"Actually, no," Ino corrected. "She's head of the Hyuga clan now."

"Did her dad die?"

"No. The clan elders tried to pawn her off in an arranged marriage and make her sister the heir," Ino explained. "Hinata didn't take too kindly to the first bit and seized control of the clan from her father and the clan elders."

"Hinata?" Naruto asked. Ino nodded. "This Hinata?" he demanded, pointing to the brunette.

"The same," Ino confirmed. "Anyway, her father actually supported her and she became the leader. Later, the elders tried to marry off her sister without telling her and she didn't take that so well."

"What'd she do?"

"We're not sure," Ino admitted. "We never found two of them and the others retired and moved far away. Anyway, she united the houses and led the clan into a new era of peace of prosperity. You know, normal stuff."

"Whoa. That's kind of hot."

"You like dangerous women?" Ino asked.

"My favorite kind," Naruto answered.

"You know, I can be very dangerous," Ino commented. Naruto had to grin at that.

"So can I."

"Too bad being dangerous means you can't write." The Yukikage had to fight the urge to jump and he slowly turned to find his old sensei sitting on the couch next to Hinata as if he had always been there. "Ten years and no letters. I think I might cry."

"I can make it up to you," Naruto offered. Kakashi glanced up from his book.

"You can make up for a decade of neglect to your former teacher?" Naruto grinned and reached into his cargo pocket. With a dramatic gesture, he whipped out a small orange book.

"Smut?" Ino asked.

"Erotica," Naruto corrected, still holding his dramatic pose.

"I have all of those," Kakashi added.

"You two are really cramping my style," Naruto growled. "You don't have this one."

"Yes I do," Kakashi replied. "The next book doesn't come out until next year."

"True, but this is a prerelease that my editor sent back to me to check it over," Naruto answered.

"You write that smut?" Ino asked.

"Erotica," Naruto repeated.

"You write Icha Icha?" Kakashi demanded.

"Uh, yeah," Naruto answered, retreating backwards a step. He hadn't seen the man in years, but uber-emotional outbreaks from him were still kind of creepy.

"Naruto?"

"Yes?"

"I have never been prouder of you," Kakashi stated.

"Really?"

"Yes."

"Ah, thanks Kakashi."

"Naruto!" Naruto turned in time to see a fist flying at his throat. Normally, he would have been able to block it, but unfortunately, he had a certain blond on his arm and was therefore helpless as Sakura grabbed him by the throat. "I'm going to beat you until answers come out!" she slurred. Naruto glanced around, looking for some sort of aid. Kakashi was reading his new book, Ino was slowly backing away, Hinata was still unconscious and the rest seemed too interested in watching to step in.

"Anybody?"

"We already learned our lesson about stepping between Sakura and anything when she's been drinking," Shikamaru replied. "A vicious beating for you is much preferred to wrecking Kiba's house."

"Again," Kiba added.

"Besides, you heal fast, don't you?"

"And now I'm less important to you people than a house?"

"You have been gone ten years," Kakashi pointed out without glancing up.

"Oh, you guys suck."

"Whatever," Kiba replied. "Don't bleed on my carpet."

-End

(:ii:)

-Author's notes. That's right. I'm back. Although my hearing has gotten even worse. Again. Fucking Harriers. Needless to say, my two weeks was fun. A lot more work than last year, but that's not always a bad thing. It was cool working around planes, at first. After the first two or so, you just wanted to wave those fuckers off like Nick Cage in the Rock.

As usual, when coming back from two fairly crazy weeks away, this chapter was rather rushed. I've gone over it three times and I can't see any screw ups, but I see what I want to see.

So, until next time gents.


	22. Chapter 22

I don't own anything.

Nothing But Trouble

-Chapter Twenty-Two

Sakura groaned as light burned through her eyelids and forced her into wakefulness. "Ah, finally awake, are you?" Sakura opened her eyes blearily and found her old teammate staring down at her.

"I did it again, didn't I?"

"Did what?" Naruto asked.

"I got really drunk and blacked out, right?" Sakura asked, fearing the answer.

"Do you do that a lot?"

"A lot more than I would prefer," Sakura admitted. "What did I do?"

"Well, actually, you throttled me and explained that you would hit me until answers came out like some. . .kind of. . .answer-filled. . .piñata or something. God, I'm bad at metaphors."

"Is that all?" Sakura asked.

"Yeah, and actually, you didn't black out," Naruto answered. "I kind of poked your L5 chakra point." Sakura reached up to the side of her neck and frowned as she felt a scrap of cloth.

"You're kidding, right? A band aide?"

"You know, pretty much the only downside to being able to heal almost instantaneously, is that you pretty much don't bother with learning healing techniques," Naruto replied.

"You can't even heal a senbon wound?" Sakura asked. "They teach that in the academy!"

"I barely graduated the academy," Naruto countered.

"And I'm letting you teach my genin," Sakura grumbled. "What was I thinking?"

"That you'd probably end up killing her if you kept trying to teach her yourself?" Naruto suggested.

"Yeah, probably," Sakura admitted. She sat up tentatively and frowned at the lack of nausea. "I feel kind of good."

"I messed with your R6 chakra point too," Naruto answered. Sakura reached up and raised an eyebrow at the lack of another bandage on the opposite side of her neck. "Oh, that. I figured that the one senbon was already in your neck so I used it to hit the other point."

"You stuck a senbon needle through my neck?" Sakura shrieked. "What the hell is the matter with you?"

"Oh, relax. I know more about human anatomy than anyone on this planet," Naruto stated dismissively, "although, you know that tingling in your feet?" Sakura nodded as she noticed said tingling. "If that doesn't go away in an hour you should probably talk to Granny." That was when the door banged open and Kiba stormed in.

"Naruto, if she's not. . .oh, you're awake."

"Yeah," Sakura answered as she glanced around and recognized the room she was in as Kiba's guest room.

"See? I told you she'd be fine," Naruto stated.

"You stabbed her in the neck. . ."

"You don't stab people with senbon," Naruto interrupted. "You poke them." Kiba stared at the blond in shock for a few seconds before regaining his composure. "And as I said, she's fine."

"You also said that you've studied human anatomy longer than my clan's been around," Kiba said finally.

"Yeah, that kind of slipped out," Naruto replied sheepishly. He glanced back at Sakura. "You want to go get breakfast? My treat for poking you." He frowned as he considered his words. "Okay, you know what? Let's going with stabbing, just this once."

"Sure," Sakura drawled as she climbed out of the bed. "Why not?"

"Great!" Naruto grinned broadly and stepped past Kiba into the hallway.

"Are you sure you feel okay?" the dog nin asked.

"I'm fine," Sakura said reassuringly. "Don't worry." Kiba frowned for a moment before stepping aside to let her go out into the hall. Sakura had to hurry down the stairs to catch up with her old teammate. "You really stuck a senbon through my neck?"

"Not through," Naruto whined.

"Semantics," Sakura countered. The blond stared at her blankly. "Never mind. Where did you learn to use senbons so precisely?"

"Some bitch named Ryoko," Naruto answered. "Actually, I always knew how to use senbon, I just never did because I didn't know how much fun they could be."

"Oh," Sakura replied, thinking hard. She knew that name. "Wait, the woman who got between you and Kisame?"

"Yep," Naruto replied. "She was a royal pain in my ass."

"Was?" Sakura pressed.

"She'd dead. I didn't do it."

"I didn't say you did," Sakura pointed out.

"I mean, I really, really wanted to, but she died all by herself before I could," Naruto added. "I know it saved me the trouble, but I feel defeated. I hate being defeated in such a manner!"

"So, you don't mind being defeated in other ways?" Sakura asked, at a loss for anything else to say.

"Not really," Naruto admitted, "but I really wanted to kill her. She was a smart ass, annoying bitch."

"Yeah, you seem to attract those like lint," Sakura commented.

"Tell me about it. It's as if some evil, omnipotent power is toying with me for his own sick amusement," Naruto growled.

"Why'd you let her live in the first place?" Sakura asked, wanting to cut off Naruto's fast approaching rant against the gods before anything bad happened.

"She was useful."

"How so?"

"She was good at sealing," Naruto stated.

"Aren't you good at sealing?"

"I'm the best," Naruto corrected. "I just have certain. . .you know. . .problems."

"You're mumbling," Sakura commented.

"I have trouble unsealing things," Naruto admitted. "I just can't get the hold of it and it's gotten me into a lot of trouble."

"Really now?"

(:ii:)

Rumiko paused as she heard familiar and unfamiliar peals of laughter drifting out of the ramen stand. She recognized Naruto's, surprisingly not maniacal, laughter, but she couldn't place the other. She swept aside the curtain and came up short again. "Sakura?" The pink-haired woman and Naruto both turned to look at her. "Having. . .fun?"

"Just talking about you actually," Sakura stated.

"Me? What about me?"

"Does the phrase, 'at least you're not a total loss,' ring any bells?" Naruto asked. Rumiko scowled.

"Masashi," she growled, remembering when the old bastard had grabbed her ass the first time they had met. She also smirked as she remembered the epic beating she had given him.

"Yeah, that guy does love big knockers," Naruto commented.

"Well excuse me for being a B-cup!" Rumiko snapped. Every other person in the small stand turned to look at her and she felt her ears burn.

"Have a seat," Naruto stated, "and a drink." Rumiko sat down and accepted the saucer of sake, which she quickly downed. "You know, he reminds me of someone in that respect."

"I have no idea who you're referring to," Rumiko said flatly. "How did I even come up in this conversation?"

"We were talking about the past," Naruto answered.

"Yeah, apparently Naruto woke up this morning and decided to stop messing with me," Sakura stated.

"I was going to tell you," Naruto stated. "You just never asked." Sakura froze.

"What?" she asked.

"Well, you threatened a lot and tried to get me drunk, but you never asked," Naruto pointed out.

"I did too ask!" Sakura snapped.

"Well, yeah, but then you said that there was nothing I could do to distract you."

"So?" Sakura demanded.

"If you tell Naruto he either can't or shouldn't do something, he will," Rumiko explained. "You get used to it, and it makes him really easy to use." Sakura took several deep breaths, visibly calming herself.

"Whatever," she stated as she rose. "I need to go to work." Rumiko watched her ass all the way to the door.

"Still no bites?"

"I don't think there's a single lesbian, or even a bi, in this whole village," she groused before turning back to find the cute waitress standing in front of her. "Unless. . .you. . ."

"No," Ayame stated quickly. "Can I help you in a different way?"

"Diet ramen."

"Coming right up!"

"Thanks." The waitress nodded and disappeared into the back.

"Did you just preposition Ayame?"

"Why not?" Rumiko countered. Naruto shrugged and finished another bottle. "So, the past?"

"More or less," Naruto answered. "Maybe a little more less."

"What did you tell her exactly?"

"I told her what she wanted to hear," Naruto answered.

"Which means you left a lot out," Rumiko stated.

"Not a lot, just one little. . ."

". . .big," Rumiko corrected.

". . .big event," Naruto allowed. "Besides, technically I am Naruto Uzumaki."

"No you aren't," Rumiko stated.

"It's the name I took," Naruto stated, "and it's more real than most I've had over the centuries."

"What makes you say that?" Rumiko asked.

"It's a memorial to a good man," Naruto stated, "a man worth remembering, even if I'm the only one who knew him and now knows he's gone."

"You're getting pretty good at lying," Rumiko commented. "I thought that went against your principles."

"I'm learning from the best," Naruto said.

"Humans?"

"Women," Naruto corrected, "and I didn't lie. I just didn't bring something up."

"Then again, I guess talking in circles is in your nature," Rumiko said. "Kimiko's team made it through the forest in record time. The other two teams were a few hours behind. A team from the Sand made it four hours afterwards. No other teams have shown up yet."

"Give Kimiko's team a bonus equivalent to a day-long A-rank mission," Naruto ordered. "Give the other two B-rank pay."

"Already did it," Rumiko replied as her bowl arrived. "You know, it kind of freaks me out when we're working on the same wavelength."

"Yeah," Naruto answered as he watched a curvy young woman walk out. He glanced back at Rumiko and noticed that she was watching too. "It happens more than either of us would admit."

"I know," Rumiko admitted. "I've also got word from Kisame that they're bringing in even more people."

"They?"

"They," Rumiko stated.

"Oh, right. They." Akatsuki. "How many?"

"A lot," Rumiko answered. "A whole lot. This isn't an infiltration, assassination and sabotage team. This is an army and letting them attack sounds like a hell of a lot of trouble to go through just for your petty revenge."

"Sounds like fun," Naruto corrected, "and it's not just for revenge. It's for revenge, fun, revenge, profit, revenge finally getting this god-damned promise off my back and maybe even a little. . ."

"Revenge?"

"Same wavelength again."

"What are we going to do?"

"This changes nothing."

"So we're going to sit on our asses until they attack?" Rumiko asked. "Didn't you promise that guy that you'd protect his village?"

"I will," Naruto insisted. "I'll keep it from being completely destroyed. Besides, a little war will be good for everyone. They're getting too soft. They need something to remind them that this world is cruel and will dispatch the weak with vim and vigor."

"Naruto, this isn't shaping up to be a little war."

"Well, I wouldn't exactly call it a world conflict yet."

"You haven't gotten Kisame's estimates yet," Rumiko stated, "and, in case you forgot, all the major village leaders are here. This is a potential world conflict. You're grinning."

"I am?" Naruto asked. "Huh. I am."

"Don't forget that you can't unseal your chakra if things get hairy this time," Rumiko added. Naruto laughed and pulled up his sleeve to reveal one of the seals that Masashi had given him.

"So, the old man told you, did he?"

"He did," Rumiko confirmed. "I think he thought that knowing you were weakened would cause us to rise up against you."

"Why didn't you?"

"I also think that he didn't know that you had sealed half your chakra away during the war with Earth. . .for your own amusement," Rumiko explained.

"It keeps life interesting," Naruto said. "Curb stomping everybody with no effort gets really boring."

"If you say so." Rumiko's ramen arrived and she dug in. "You really think you can stop an invading army all by yourself again?"

"Don't you guys want in?"

"Good point. Do you really think we stand a chance?"

"We'd better. I'm betting this ramen stand on our skills."

"And the lives of all your friends and your daimyo, right?"

"Yeah, I guess those too."

(:ii:)

"I can't believe you ditched me to go to a party!" Naruto sighed and opened a new beer. "Are you listening to me?"

"Yes. I didn't ditch you, you weren't even home!" Anko pouted and snatched the offered beer out of his hand.

"Well, I had to take care of all the brats," she growled. "You know, your girl's team arrived just after sundown. That's pretty impressive. Normal time for the course is three days."

"My patented 'inferiority button mashing' technique for teaching brats has won out once again!" Naruto sipped his beer in congratulations to himself.

"Can't argue with results," Anko commented after a moment. "The whole team is in the infirmary for fatigue, but they passed."

"I'll visit later," Naruto said.

"The other villages have reported that some of their people have gone missing," Anko added. "They just disappeared off the face of the earth in the forests surround the village."

"So? The forest is the dangerous place."

"Some of those people were really powerful," Anko stated. "Is this Akatsuki?"

"Probably." Anko sipped her beer silently.

"I've read the bios of some of the guys who disappeared," she stated finally. "I meant it when I said that they were really. . ."

"You want to help me train Kaori?" The purple haired woman came up short at the interruption.

"What?"

"Do you want to help me train Kaori?" Naruto asked. "Just, no groping this time, okay?"

"What about the terrorist army. . ."

"They'll wait until they attack before attacking," Naruto answered sagely. Anko gawked at him for a moment before grinning and snuggling up to his side.

"I knew there was a reason I liked you."

-End

(:ii:)

-Author's notes. Yeah, time to inch the plot along, I guess. Ah, plot. The only thing keeping me from slipping completely into crack.

Sorry about last week. I was a few sheets to the wind and suddenly my computer froze, thus destroying half this chapter when I was in no shape to try and rewrite it.

Anyway, quite a few people have asked me what I was doing this year for the Corps, so I figured I might as well explain it here. I was getting drunk in North Carolina. Yeah. That's about it. I mean, sure we refueled Harriers, but most of our time was spent drunk in the lounge watching movies.

We also went to Myrtle Beach. At least, it might have been Myrtle Beach. I actually think I died for a while and went to heaven instead. That place is fucking awesome. There was this giant kind of outdoor strip mall thing across the street from our hotel. It had ziplines across a man-made lagoon, mini golf, an IMAX theatre, an aquarium and a whole section devoted to clubs. There was a place called Senor Frogs. Its beauty still brings tears to my eyes.

Also, one funny story for you. So, I'm driving down a road I routinely speed on and I see a guy who got pulled over. 'Sucks to be him,' I thought as I slowed and passed. Then I considered what was in my car. Here's an abbreviated list. In the trunk was: bolt cutters, a pry bar, a machete, a Stag Model 8 and my SIG-Sauer P220. In the back seat was: two bottles of ninety-proof rum and a sixer of beer. And, lastly, in the passenger seat beside me were one hundred rounds of 5.56mm, three hundred rounds of .45, and the four-inch combat knife I keep since I don't have a CCW permit yet.

So, yeah. It's probably a good thing I didn't get pulled over. I mean, all that stuff is legal, but I'd probably have a hard time explaining it all if I got searched.


	23. Chapter 23

I don't own anything.

Nothing But Trouble:

-Chapter Twenty-Three

"I really don't want to do this," Naruto groused as Sakura dragged him through the halls of the hospital. "Didn't the doctors say that she needed rest?"

"You're her teacher now, Naruto," the pink-haired woman stated. "Teachers are supposed to visit when their students are in the hospital."

"I was in the hospital a bunch of times and none on my teachers ever visited me."

"I said they were supposed to," Sakura growled. "I never said whether or not they actually did."

"So how about I don't and say I did," Naruto whined.

"You're not afraid of a teenage girl, are you?" Sakura asked. The glare she received made her casually put a little more space between herself and the man beside her. "Ah, here we are." She knocked and pushed the door open after hearing her student permit them entrance. "Good morning Kaori."

"Good morning Sen. . .you!"

"Still pissed, huh?" Naruto asked. Kaori took a deep breath and leaned back in her bed.

"No, I'm good now," she admitted.

"Excellent," Naruto said, "because we've got a lot of work to do."

"We do?" Kaori asked.

"Too many genin passed the Forest of Death," Naruto explained. "You're gonna have to fight it out and bring the numbers down by at least half." He picked up her medical folder and flipped through it.

"Do you actually understand that?" Sakura asked. Naruto managed to keep as much of his dignity as he could while sheepishly replacing the folder. "She's got another day of observation and then she shouldn't use chakra for another week, so no training."

"You can train without chakra," Naruto stated.

"How?"

"Taijustsu," the blond stated. "Rumiko and Anko are helping me out."

"The freaky purple haired chick?" Kaori whined. "I don't want to deal with her any more. I mean, who gropes strangers?" Naruto winced as Sakura whipped around on him with fire in her eyes.

"I had nothing to do with that," he stated peaceably. "As a matter of fact, I'm the one who saved Kaori from her."

"Do I need to point out that my teenaged genin should not need rescuing from your girlfriend?" Sakura demanded.

"No. I pretty much figured it was wrong." Sakura massaged her temples for a minute.

"I've got two more genin to check in on," she announced. "Keep Anko away from her."

"Can do," Naruto stated.

"And Rumiko," Sakura added after a moment.

"Probably a good idea by this point," Naruto admitted.

"And don't you do nothing either," Sakura said as she walked out.

"Isn't she a little young?" Naruto called after his old teammate, but received no reply. With a sigh he collapsed into the chair beside Kaori's bed. "Why does everybody expect the worst from me?"

"You mean they shouldn't?" Kaori asked.

"That's a low blow."

"I'm a ninja," Kaori replied with a shrug. "Low blows are perfectly fair to me."

"You're going to get along just perfectly with Rumiko. She absolutely adores low blows."

"Good."

"Not really." Naruto climbed back to his feet. "Look, meet me at Training Ground Twelve the day after tomorrow at noon, okay?"

"I'll be there."

(:ii:)

"You know, I'm still pissed that you didn't tell me about a party." Naruto pulled a beer from his fridge and strolled past his jabbering fuck buddy to the couch. "Are you listening to me Naruto? I love parties! I always want to go to parties!"

"You weren't around Anko," Naruto pointed out. "Where were you anyway? You get off work at four, right?"

"An ANBU team brought in somebody," Anko answered. "He's a serious hard case, but I'll get him to squeal if I have to outsource to a fucking Yamanaka." She glanced at him contemplatively. "You think he's working for Akatsuki?"

"Going off the details you've given me so far, I have no fucking clue." The door opened and Kisame ducked into the room through the door frame. "Hey buddy."

"Rumiko told me that you still don't want to launch a preemptive strike," the blue skinned man stated. "I think you're making a big mistake boss."

"Maybe," Naruto admitted. "I don't think so. Have a seat."

"You haven't even seen how many there are," Kisame protested as he sat down.

"How many are there?" Anko asked.

"You didn't tell her?"

"I was getting around to it."

"There's an army of missing nin gathered in the forests surrounding this village," Kisame stated.

"I didn't know there was enough missing nin left to make an army," Naruto commented. "I thought we recruited them all."

"There's always plenty of missing nin running around," Kisame said. "Although, I have a theory."

"You, a theory?"

"Yes, me, a theory," Kisame growled. "Look, I've been watching these guys all day long. I had nothing better to do. Anyway, I'm thinking that some of these guys may not be missing nin."

"Then what are they?"

"There's a lot of smaller villages that would love to get a chance at bringing down the Kages," Kisame explained. "I think that they may be aiding Akatsuki in this attack. It would certainly explain where they've managed to scrounge up those kinds of numbers."

"What kind of numbers?" Anko asked. "Armies are usually really, really big, right?"

"This one's really, really, really big," Kisame answered. "Getting scared yet? Cause, you know, it would really comfort me if someone else saw this as a potential problem."

"You aren't going to let them destroy this village, right?" Anko asked, turning on Naruto.

"Would you miss it?"

"Kind of."

"I thought you said that it was full of dicks," Naruto pointed out.

"Well it is, but there are a few cool guys," Anko said. "You're really not going to let the village be destroyed, right?"

"No, I made a promise that I'd protect this village and its inhabitants," Naruto answered as he killed his beer. Anko perked up visibly.

"Who'd you promise?"

"Some blond."

"Was she cute?"

"Not my type."

"Ah." Anko was interrupted as someone began knocking at the door and Naruto rose to answer it.

"Hello!"

"Hi Mei." Behind him came the sound of someone being tackled and Naruto glanced back to see Anko wrapped around Kisame's knees.

"There you are Kisame!"

"There he is," Naruto agreed. "You aren't trying to kidnap my ninja, are you?"

"Of course not," Mei replied as she swept by Naruto and dragged the blue-skinned man to his feet. "I've been trying to find Kisame all day. He owes me a drink."

"Oh." Naruto stepped aside to let Mei move out, dragging Kisame behind her. "Well, you two have fun. Oh, and if Kisame isn't back by this time tomorrow I'm going to wipe out your entire village."

"Don't do anything we wouldn't do," Anko added as she moved in beside Naruto and they both waved.

"I'm so proud. My little shark boy is finally going to become a shark man."

"Whether he wants to or not," Anko added.

"He's just playing hard to get." They strolled back into the apartment and Naruto sat back down. "Why did you tackle him?"

"Well, he looked like he was trying to escape and I thought it would be funnier if he couldn't."

"You know what? I think I love you."

"Aw, I think I love you too." Anko sat down beside him. "Promise you won't let the village be destroyed?"

"I promise," Naruto groaned. Hadn't he already said that he promised?

"Maybe you should go take a look."

"Fine."

(:ii:)

Rumiko stared down contemplatively at the encampment below her. She was taking a major risk getting this close without Kisame. While no one bested her in a one-on-one fight, she'd be royally fucked if she got found out now. Of course, that was when a hand clamped over her mouth from behind. "Hey Rumiko." Rumiko froze in mid attempt to grab her attacker by the balls and the hand let go.

"Hey Naruto." The blond settled in beside her, thankfully wearing the tiger stripe BDUs that were the uniform of the village instead of his trademark orange. "You aren't going to attract attention, right?"

"Got it covered," Naruto answered as he pushed up one sleeve absently to reveal a dozen new seals on his arm. "I'm pretty much entirely sealed away."

"So, I could beat you?" Rumiko asked.

"Maybe, just remember that you've been fighting dirty for all your life," Naruto answered. "I've been fighting dirty for several thousands times that." Rumiko frowned as she had to admit that he had a point. "So, these are the bad guys."

"Yep."

"Kind of out in the open, aren't they?"

"They're using some insanely powerful genjutsu," Rumiko explained. "We only noticed it because we were looking for it and even then it was difficult as hell."

"Why didn't it affect me?" Naruto asked.

"Well, you're not exactly human," Rumiko replied.

"True." Rumiko turned back to the camp.

"Where's Kisame?"

"Mei nabbed him," Naruto answered. Rumiko felt one eyebrow raise.

"You're okay with her kidnapping him?"

"Okay with it? I encouraged it." Naruto stared down at the camp.

"Still think you can beat them all?"

"Sure. I don't expect to have to, but I could."

'Then why don't you?" Rumiko demanded.

"What's the fun in that?" She could only sigh in disgust. She should have seen that one coming.

"You're evil."

"I'm practical," Naruto corrected. "I can't keep sweeping in to save you lot every time things get bad. You need to stand on your own two feet."

"So, that's your excuse, huh?"

"And I'm sticking to it." The blond scowled down at the camp. "Any sign of the Uchiha?"

"Not yet, but I've tagged a few as potential lieutenants," Rumiko replied. She pointed at a redheaded woman. "That's one of them, also, I call dibs on her."

"Huh?"

"Dibs. If we fight them, I get her."

"Remind me not to leave you and Kaori alone. . .ever."

"I'm not that desperate," Rumiko growled as she was tempted to slug her boss. Of course, that would have only led to more problems. She glanced back at the camp and frowned. "Something's happening." The crowd parted and a single man strolled among them.

"Sasuke," Naruto stated, a sharp, pointy grin worming it's way across his face. Rumiko covertly put a little more distance between herself and the man.

"Don't forget, you promised Naruto that you'd bring Sasuke back, alive," she pointed out, stressing the last word.

"I know," Naruto grumbled. He perked up again rather suddenly. "If he's here, Madara must be around too."

"What did that guy do to you?" Rumiko asked. She had always wondered about that. She knew he was chasing Sasuke for the original Naruto, but his obsession with seeing the senior Uchiha slaughtered was something of a mystery.

"He betrayed me," Naruto growled. "I gave him, gave the Uchiha, everything and they turned their backs on me. They made their deal with the devil and they reneged, especially him." Rumiko edged away from him even more. When her boss got genuinely pissed, her could be dangerous beyond rhyme or reason.

"What was their deal?" She needed to distract him and he did so love to brag about how he tricked people.

"They wanted to be Gods of battle," Naruto answered. "They just happened to come to the right war mongering, demon fox."

"So, you fought for them?"

"No, much better. I remade them in my own image."

"You can do that?"

"Of course," Naruto stated. "I told you, I'm a master of human anatomy."

"Yeah, you did. I just never read too much into it," Rumiko replied. "How'd you do it?"

"Mostly selective breeding and genetic manipulation," Naruto answered. "I also did some work intermingling my chakra, very diluted of course, with theirs. Ah, Project Ten. It worked out so much better than the others. The Sharingan was my pride and joy."

"What happened to projects one through nine?"

"What?"

"Projects one through nine," Rumiko repeated, "what happened to them?" The blond stared at her blankly before turning his gaze back to the camp.

"As I was saying, Project Ten was much better."

"They all died horribly, didn't they?" Rumiko asked.

"Not all," Naruto whined. "Well, I mean, that depends on your definition of death. A few of them probably still wish for death, but, in general, only twenty percent died outright."

"I don't want to know, right?"

"Probably not." Rumiko glanced down at the camp.

"What happens when they attack?" she asked finally.

"The ninja in the village will fight back," Naruto answered.

"And what happens when they're overwhelmed?" Rumiko demanded. She didn't care how many powerful ninja were in the village, there was no way they could stand against the kinds of numbers spread out before her.

"We'll see," Naruto answered as he stood up. "Meet me at Training Ground Twelve the day after tomorrow at noon. We have to get started on training Kaori." Rumiko stared at him blankly for several seconds as she tried to compose herself.

"Fine." The blond nodded and turned to leave. "Naruto?"

"Yeah?"

"You wouldn't let me die, right?"

"You're going to die anyway, Rumiko," the man replied.

"I don't want to die here, at the whim of a madman," Rumiko stated, glaring accusingly at Naruto.

"Then you shouldn't have become a ninja." He glanced back at her. "I like arguing with you. I think I'll keep you around for a while. Plus, I want to be there when you snap and jump on the first pair of tits you see." Then he was gone. Rumiko turned back to the camp. That was probably as good as was going to get.

-End

(:ii:)

-Author's notes. You little fuckers! How come none of you told me about Toonami Aftermath? I know you knew because I'm always the last one to find out about things concerning the internet. All this time you've been watching Toonami and just completely forgetting about me! That's a dick move.

For the rest of you, you need to check it out. It's Toonami twenty-four/seven with everything you remember and few things you probably don't. If you're an old guy like me and you want to relive the golden days, google it. If you're a young buck who wants to find out how anime made it big in America, google it.

Alright, now that that's out of the way. Sorry for the fucked up schedule and my lack of responses to e-mails and messages. My dad had his first surgery and things have been hectic. He's recovering fast and he could get his first knee done before Christmas. Actually, he's having some fun. He's on two different kinds of pills that start with O-X-Y and half a dozen other pills that probably go for twenty bucks a pop on the street.

And one more thing. The military fucks up your sense of humor for life. A friend of mine got shot. That's bad. He got shot robbing a fucking pharmacy. That's hysterical.

Until next time. (I would say two weeks, but every time I do something comes up.)

Jackie out.


	24. Chapter 24

I don't own anything.

Nothing but Trouble:

-Chapter Twenty-Four

"What the fuck?" Naruto blinked blearily in the early morning sunshine as someone continued to hammer on his door.

"Not it," Anko mumbled as she burrowed in beside him.

"God damn it." Naruto climbed out of his bed and managed to pull on a pair of pants without falling. He staggered to the front door and ripped it open, fully prepared to unleash hell on whomever had awoken him. Unfortunately, they opened up on him first.

"You asshole!"

"It's early, Kisame," Naruto whined, taking note of the redhead clinging to the taller man's arm. "Have a good time?"

"It was just like when we were Chunin together!" Mei stated happily.

"Wait, you two dated?"

"Yes," Kisame stated.

"And you still left the village?" Naruto continued.

"Yes."

"You are seriously a fruit."

"I am not a fruit!" Kisame roared, making Naruto's head throb.

"I can vouch for him," Mei added.

"Ever heard of a beard?" Naruto countered. The redhead stared at him blankly. "Never mind." He waved them both in and slumped onto the couch. "So, what'd you two get up to?"

"It was wonderful!" Mei gushed. "Kisame always was a romantic at heart."

"Oh?" Naruto asked, perking up as he heard new fodder to mock the man with.

"I am not a romantic!" Kisame declared. "I am a blood thirsty warrior!"

"First he took me to this lovely, secluded restaurant," Mei said, "and then we walked through this wonderful little park in the moonlight."

"Did I hear someone about to get to the good parts?" Naruto glanced over and saw Anko peeking out of their bedroom.

"Not that I was going to stick around for," he stated as he climbed to his feet. Anko giddily took his place.

"Okay, spill!"

"Oh, I couldn't," Mei giggled, using her hands to hide her cheeks as she blushed.

"Yes you could!"

"Well, alright then." Naruto made a hasty run for the door with Kisame in close pursuit. They quickly slammed the door behind them.

"Safe."

"Yeah," Kisame agreed.

"I didn't need to know anything more about you," Naruto added.

"And I didn't need a critique of my performance by any woman that's fucked an ancient man whore like you."

"I'm not a man whore," Naruto protested. "I just. . .really get around."

"You're a freak."

"In this case, yeah, that's true."

"And I just realized that I left my girlfriend alone with your equally freaky girlfriend."

"She's not that freaky."

"She wasn't wearing any clothes!"

"She just woke up," Naruto protested. "Wait, did you just call Mei your girlfriend?" Kisame's eyes bugged out and he reflexively clapped a hand over his mouth. "Kisame's got a girlfriend!"

"Oh, grow up!"

(:ii:)

Sakura sighed as she strolled down the street. She could already hear Naruto yelling from fifty feet away. After a moment to regain her composure, she walked up to the ramen shop and swept aside the curtains. "Good morning Naruto."

"Hey Sakura," the blond replied absently.

"You're up early. I thought I'd have to wait for you."

"Yeah, Kisame's girl chased me out of my apartment," Naruto admitted before turning back to his companion. "I swear to God Kisame, if you say you aren't dating her, I will sweep in and take that redhead out from under your nose."

"Don't you dare," the blue skinned man growled.

"So, she is your girlfriend."

"She is not my girlfriend."

"Who?" Sakura asked as she sat beside the blond.

"The Mizukage," Naruto answered.

"The Mizukage is your girlfriend?" Sakura asked in surprise.

"What's that supposed to mean?" the blue skinned man snapped.

"Well, she's. . .she's the Mizukage and you're. . .you're you," Sakura answered.

"And what is that supposed to mean?" Kisame demanded.

"You're a former missing nin that defected from her village," Sakura stated.

"He's also her ex-boyfriend who ran out on her," Naruto added. Kisame glared at them both for a moment before turning to stare sullenly into his ramen.

"So, what's up Sakura?"

"I was hoping to talk to you about Kaori," Sakura stated. "I know you're having you're first training session today."

"You're training a genin?" Kisame interrupted. "Does Rumiko know?"

"Yeah," Naruto answered. "Why?"

"Didn't she ban you from every teaching a genin again?" That brought the blond up short.

"I forgot about that." This was not what Sakura was hoping to hear. "I guess she forgot about that too."

"Rumiko did not forget about Takahashi!" Kisame snapped. "She stills tries to bride me every one in a while to kill him."

"Yeah, I guess you're right." Sakura took several deep breaths in order to calm herself.

"Naruto, listen to me."

"Listening," the blond replied.

"Are you?"

"Yeah."

"Really?"

"Of course." Sakura glared at him, trying to gain his full attention.

"Look, don't hurt Kaori."

"Ninja training is dangerous and injury is always a risk," Naruto stated.

"Okay," Sakura allowed, "don't turn my genin into a raving lunatic."

"Like Takumi," Kisame supplied.

"Takumi is not a raving lunatic," Naruto stated. "At least, not all the time. He only raves when he's been drinking." Sakura sighed in defeat.

"Naruto?"

"Yeah?"

"Are you listening?"

"Of course."

"Really?"

"Yeah!"

"I'm going to check in with Kaori after your training," Sakura stated. "If you broke her, I will have your balls. Do you understand?"

"Literally or figuratively?" Naruto asked.

"Literally," Sakura stated. "I will have your balls nailed to my hearth above my fireplace. Understand?"

"Check. Don't worry. I won't permanently scar her." Sakura didn't seem to catch the mumbled 'maybe' he slipped in while he slurped his noodles.

(:ii:)

Kaori frowned as she came out of the woods and into the clearing that Naruto had specified. She was a bit early, but she could already hear the bickering coming from the three people standing in the middle of the field. "I'm sure Naruto knows what he's doing," Anko said calmly.

"God doesn't know what Naruto's doing!" Rumiko exclaimed. "What in the hell makes you think he knows what he's doing?"

"I have been around for a while," Naruto volunteered from where he was sprawled on his back staring at the clouds. "Trust me; I know exactly what I'm doing."

"Fine," Rumiko growled. "I guess the question isn't whether or not you know what you're doing, but rather if what you're doing is in our best interest."

"Jesus, Rumiko, are we really back to this again?" Naruto whined. "I told you, I promised that I would. . .hi Kaori."

"Hey Naruto." Kaori moved cautiously to join the three. "I'm not interrupting, am I?"

"Of course not!" Naruto replied as he stood up. "You're on time!" Kaori smiled cautiously. "Alright, step one to being a great ninja," the blond pulled out a kunai, "killing people!"

"Alright," Kaori replied as she cautiously took the kunai. "I think I can do this."

"Good!" Naruto answered. "Now come at me with killing intent." Kaori's mind blanked for a moment.

"Oh! This is some kind of test, right?" she asked. "Like, you're going to duck at the last moment or something, right?"

"Nope. We have to make sure you can kill," Naruto stated. "Now, the neck is usually a great target. There are a lot of lightly-protected fun things there and if you get a few of them, you have instant incapacitation, which is good, and copious bleeding, which is both good and pretty cool."

"I'm not going to stab you!" Kaori snapped. Naruto shrank a bit.

"Oh, now I see why Sakura pawned you off." Kaori's eye ticked. "You know, I bet you Satomi could do it. And I know Haruka could do it."

"Shut up!" Kaori punched the man and shrieked in surprise as a spray of warm blood splashed across her fact. The kunai! She had completely forgotten about the kunai!

(:ii:)

Anko watched impassively as Kaori, sobbing and gibbering nonsense, chased after her boyfriend as the man sprinted around the clearing like a chicken with its head chopped off. Considering the amount of blood he was losing, that wasn't too far off. She glanced back at the blond behind her and pinched him. "Ow!"

"Huh, it is you," Anko commented.

"Yeah, it's me," Naruto grumbled, rubbing his ass where she had pinched him.

"Then, who's that?" Anko asked, pointing at the bleeding blond.

"Shadow clone," Naruto answered.

"Shadow clones don't bleed," Anko stated reasonably.

"Mine do."

"They're not shadow clones," Rumiko corrected. "It's a different technique that he just calls a shadow clone."

"Bleeding implies life," Anko reasoned. "Are they alive?"

"I don't know." Naruto formed a single seal and another Naruto popped up right beside him. "What do you say buddy, are you alive?" The clone immediately turned into a woman.

"I feel pretty alive, cutie," she stated. Naruto quickly dispersed that clone.

"Your inner feminine side, again?" Rumiko ventured.

"I have no inner feminine side!" Naruto declared.

"You know, she's been popping up a lot more lately," Rumiko added. "Maybe you're suppressing her too much."

"You're just saying that because you know she's got a crush on you," Naruto grumbled.

"Your clones have distinct personalities?" Anko pressed.

"Of course they do, they're me," Naruto answered.

"I can't stop the bleeding!" They turned and saw that Kaori had finally managed to tackle Naruto's clone and was trying desperately to stop the bleeding.

"So," Anko began, "what part of training involves traumatizing your student?"

"The part that makes her an effective ninja," Naruto answered.

"So, effective ninja are insane?" Anko continued.

"Well, the jobs is to commit one of society's greatest taboos, so: yeah, pretty much."

"But. . .what. . .you. . .you're. . ." Kaori sputtered as she looked from one blond to another. "It's. . .it's a clone?"

"Yup," Naruto answered cheerfully. "See, that wasn't so hard, was it?" Kaori stared at him blankly for a moment before lunging.

"You asshole!" Naruto gracefully sidestepped the enraged teen and hip tossed her into the ground. "Ow."

"Alright," the blond stated, "lesson two: using your enemy's. . ."

"I think he's dead," Anko commented as she poked the clone.

"What?"

"I think he's dead," Anko repeated. She kneeled and checked the clone's pulse. "No, I'm pretty sure he is dead."

"Can your clones die?" Rumiko asked.

"I have no idea," Naruto answered. "Usually they dispel themselves, but I told him to hang around for a while." Rumiko kneeled as well and prodded the corpse contemplatively.

"Can I have. . ."

"No."

"You didn't even let me. . ."

"I didn't need to," Naruto interrupted again. "You can not have my body."

"Oh, come on," Rumiko whined. "You aren't using it!"

"I am not letting the crazy woman who can resurrect dead people have my dead body," Naruto stated before turning back to Kaori. "Alright, the revised lesson two: destroying bodies to keep them away from enemies. . .and friends."

(:ii:)

"See you tomorrow!" Naruto waved cheerfully as Kaori staggered away in a daze. "What do you guys think: too much?"

"Maybe a little," Rumiko replied.

"That was nothing compared to my ANBU training," Anko said dismissively.

"She's not an ANBU," Rumiko pointed out. "She's a genin." Anko considered that for a moment.

"Maybe you got a point there," she said thoughtfully. "I don't think so though. I always preferred the "throw them in the deep end and see" method of teaching."

"Are you allowed to teach anyone around here?" Rumiko pressed.

"Well, no, but they let me torture people." Anko pondered that for a moment. "You think that's related?"

"Maybe," Rumiko stated. "You know, you should defect. You'd fit right in with the rest of the village."

"You'd have to offer me more than that," Anko replied.

"Naruto's in charge."

"Sold!" Rumiko could only sigh in disgust. "What? You've never fucked him. He's amazing."

"He's right here," Naruto commented. "He also just remember something. He remembers that Rumiko banned him from ever teaching genin again."

"Rumiko banned him from ever teaching our genin again," Rumiko stated.

"Anko's gonna kill the next motherfucker that speaks in the third person," Anko added.

"Fine," Naruto said. "And I remember, you banned me from teaching genin, period." He stared at her contemplatively. "You're buttering me up!"

"Am not!" Rumiko snapped.

"Yes you are. You gave me a genin to traumatize just to get on my good side," Naruto insisted. "You know, that hurts."

"I didn't know you could be hurt," Rumiko grumbled.

"I told you, you can trust me."

"You're bringing down a major war on my head!" Rumiko exploded. "I could be killed and what would it matter to you?"

"It always matters to me," Naruto stated. "Now, would you relax. It's just a little war." He slung an arm around her shoulders and another around Anko's. "Now let's get food. And after that, Anko is going to fuck you senseless. That oughta clear you right up."

-End

(:ii:)

-Author's notes. A very Cynical Christmas to one and all!

I'm sure you're all wondering where the fuck I've been. A quick glance at my message board revealed that I had simply tossed up a: "in hospital, don't worry," message and forgotten about it. I supposed my absence does bare some explaining.

Okay, the story goes like this: who here's ever heard of boxer's fractures? A few? Okay, well, it means that I broke my hand. How did I do this? Boxing of course. . .with a wall. Do I need to mention that alcohol was involve? Definitely one of my most annoying hospital visits. Just so you know: when the ER doctor mentions that he was a corps man and mentions that you probably need a bunch of shots, calling him a sick motherfucker is not the right course of action.

So, yeah. I've been rehabbing for a while and my dad got his first knee operation, so I've been hanging out and drinking a lot with him, since we have the most in common out of my family.

Since you've read this far, I guess I might as well slip in an amusing story. We had the Marine Corps Balls in November. I'm drunk as fuck sitting at a bar when this middle-aged guy walks up and pokes me in the shoulder. "Hey Corporal. I just want you to know that one of your Marines is letting his girlfriend wear his cover." Now, this man has obviously either never been a Marine, or he's a too young officer or way too old SNCO. So I tell him, not to worry, I'll NJP that Marine tomorrow. Then I get up, go to the bathroom, throw up, go back to the bar, get a blowjob (the shot perverts), get a free shot and a beer, figure out that my date has my cover and then go upstairs to be molested by a drunk Air Force guy who grabs me in a bear hug and sobs into my chest as he tells me that he's a Para-Rescue Jumper and that he loves me and all service members.

You can always tell real fighting men because they get drunk and sappy.

Alright, gents, go enjoy your Christmas and drink to Jesus's birth. . .or resurrection. One of the two. I can never keep them straight.

Also, I know I fucked up a lot. My computer ate my last version of this chapter and I had to rewrite it after half a case of beer and one too many scotches.


	25. Chapter 25

I don't own anything.

Nothing but Trouble:

Chapter Twenty-Five

"You know, after our girl cleans up, we should go party."

"Sounds good to me," Naruto replied as he slurped up his second order of ramen.

"We can take Rumiko too," Anko added. "I think she could use a couple of drinks."

"You know," Naruto commented as he leaned back from his meal and considered his girlfriend thoughtfully, "ever since she shot you down, you've been trying really hard to get her drunk." Anko glared at him.

"Naruto, listen to me and listen well. I am the fabulous Anko Mitarashi and I do not get shot down. I only get delayed. She will be mine."

"This is why I'm keeping you between me and her at all times," Rumiko commented from where she was sitting on Naruto's other side.

"Well, you could just fuck her," Naruto said reasonably. "I think you hurt her feelings when you two were making out and then you ran away sobbing."

"Well excuse me for realizing what those lips I was kissing were probably sucking twenty minutes earlier," Rumiko growled. Naruto sighed and glanced up to see Ayame staring at them with her jaw hanging open in comical disbelief.

"So," he began conversationally, "my girlfriend wants to fuck my lesbian secretary who is getting really desperate, but doesn't want to fuck my girlfriend because she's fucking me. Any womanly advice?"

"Your lesbian secretary is fucking you?" Ayame asked.

"No, no, no. My lesbian secretary doesn't want to fuck my girlfriend because my girlfriend is fucking me," Naruto clarified.

"Oh," Ayame replied. "Then why does your girlfriend want to fuck your secretary?"

"Well, about a month ago my girlfriend was going to give my secretary a pity fuck, but once they started making out my secretary broke down in tears and ran out," Naruto explained. "I think it hurt my girlfriend's feelings."

"I suggest staying out of it," Ayame stated.

"Yeah, I've been trying, but as you can see," he gestured to the two women sitting on either side of him, "they kind of keep putting me in the middle."

"He makes a good meat shield," Rumiko stated. Naruto heard the curtains sweep open and glanced back to see Kaori walk in.

"Hey kiddo."

"Hey Kaori!" Ayame cheered, probably happy to have a diversion. "You want your usual?"

"Yes please," Kaori replied as she sat down on the far side of Rumiko.

"You ready for the big exams?"

"I don't know." Naruto glanced at the girl and noticed that she was almost vibrating with nervous energy. "What if I have to fight Haruka, or worse Satomi?"

"I'd be more worried about fighting one of my knuckleheads right off the back," he said. "Besides, we've been spying on those two. You know you've been training a lot harder than either one."

"You've been spying on the competition?" Ayame asked. "Isn't that cheating?"

"I'm not going to smack you because you're a civilian," Naruto stated.

"Uh, thank you?"

"It's a ninja competition," Kaori explained. "Cheating is expected."

"But wouldn't you get in trouble if you get caught?" Ayame pressed.

"If you get caught then you get in trouble for being a lousy cheater," Kaori answered. Naruto actually sniffled a bit.

"I'm so very, very proud of you."

"Thanks Sensei!"

(:ii:)

Sakura frowned as she looked from the arena down to her watch. "I thought you said that you told him that the prelims started at eight fifteen."

"I did," Sakura grumbled.

"And I knew you were lying." Sakura whipped around and sighed in annoyance as she noticed that not only had Naruto snuck up on her, but so had his entire little entourage including her student. "And we are not late. We are just in time."

"Fine," Sakura gritted. "They're getting ready to announce the rules." They all glanced down as the proctor walked out into the middle of the arena.

"Alright, listen up!" the man yelled, easily cutting through the clamor of the half a dozen genin teams watching from above. "We've had an unusual number of genin pass this year. In order to cut down those numbers, you will be fighting each other. There are thirty of you, fifteen get to move on to the next round where you will be fighting in front of the kages and the villagers. That should clue you into the stakes. Remember, killing your opponent is frowned upon, but do what you must to win." Sakura glanced back at Naruto and noticed him glaring at where the three teams from his village had gathered.

"They won't kill anyone, right?" she whispered.

"They'd better not." Sakura glanced over her other shoulder and noticed the masked Tsuchikage. "We have a deal, right Mister Fox?"

"No problem," Naruto replied, turning away from the teams and grinning. "How many teams did you get in?"

"One," Nambu stated. "All passed the written test, but the forest proved a bit much. I see all of yours got in."

"Yup," Naruto stated proudly. "Let's see: three teams from my village, one from yours, one from Mist, three from Sand and two from Leaf. Right?"

"That's right," Nambu replied. "Your friend Kisame must be rather annoyed."

"He launched into a rant about the fall of the once proud Village Hidden in the Mist," Naruto stated. "Then his girlfriend, the Mizukage, dragged him into my spare bedroom."

"Did they fight?"

"Not exactly," Anko stated, "although there was screaming."

"They're announcing the first fight," Sakura interrupted. She really didn't want to hear any more than she already had.

"It's gonna be me." Kaori moaned.

"One in thirty shot," Naruto commented as he glanced at the large board. Then Kaori's name popped up. "Huh. Remind me to take you gambling."

"Oh my God. I'mgonnadieI'mgonnadieI'mgonnadieI'mgonna. . ."

"She's doing it again," Anko grumbled.

"I got this one," Naruto replied. He raised one hand, but Sakura managed to intercept him.

"What are you doing?"

"Trust me," Naruto replied.

"No," Sakura replied before grabbing Kaori by the shoulders. "Kaori, calm down."

"I'mgonnadieI'mgonnadieI'mgonnadieI'm. . ." Sakura sighed in annoyance.

"Okay, hit her."

"Told you," Naruto said before slapping Kaori.

"Ow!" the genin shrieked. "What was that for?"

"Kaori, kill." Kaori stared at him for a moment before her eye ticked violently.

"I'm gonna paint myself in his blood and dance naked in the moonlight!" With that, the girl began cackling and leapt into the arena below.

"Uh. . ." Sakura began, but had no idea where she was going with it.

"She's. . .just. . .trying to intimidate the opposition," Naruto stated. "Besides, the moon won't be up for a while."

"That's one of my genin she's fighting," Nanbu growled.

"Technically, Kaori isn't one of my genin," Naruto answered. Sakura had had quite had enough of this and demonstrated her feelings by grabbing her former teammate by the throat.

"What did you do to my genin?"

"They're getting ready to fight," Rumiko interrupted. Sakura's eyebrow twitched violently, but she managed to pry her fingers from the blonde's throat.

"We're not done," she growled.

(:ii:)

Naruto took a few dozen deep breathes and rolled his shoulders. "Ah, air. You never know how much you like it till you can't have it."

"Enjoy it while it lasts," Sakura hissed. Naruto looked down into the arena and frowned.

"Your boy looks kind of smug," he commented.

"He's from a long, proud line of ninja," Nanbu said. "He's a cocky little shit, just like his dad and his grandfather and his great grandfather, so on and so forth. I'd love to see him knocked down a peg, but I'd also love to see him live to learn from it."

"This is going to be bad," Rumiko murmured.

"Ready?" the proctor declared. "Fight!" And then a fireball the size of a house zipped across the arena. The Stone ninja had just enough time to look even smugger as he dodged before Kaori grabbed him from behind and suplexed him. She was just raising a foot to stomp on his head when the proctor tackled her and had to wrestle her away from her downed opponent.

"Winner: Kaori!" Utter silence filled the arena for about five seconds as Kaori stared at her upraised fist before she began to laugh.

"Bwa-hahahahaha-hehe!" Then all of Naruto's genin went beserk cheering for the girl and were quickly followed by the rest.

"We have got to do something about that laugh" Naruto grumbled.

"I told you Naruto, evil laughter is intimidating," Anko argued.

"Exactly, the girlish giggle at the end has no place in an evil laugh," Naruto said.

"It's intimidating because of the girlish giggle," Anko corrected. "Besides, it could be worse. She could have Rumiko's evil laugh."

"I do not have an evil. . ." Rumiko sputtered.

"You mean the oh-hohohohoho thing?" Naruto asked. "I guess that's true."

"What the fuck did you do to my genin?" Sakura shrieked making Naruto jump.

"I trained her," he stated. "That's what you wanted, right?"

"She nearly killed that brat in under twenty seconds!" Sakura snapped. "A month ago she couldn't even walk on water."

"I'm a good teacher." The pink haired woman gawked at him. Any further outbursts were interrupted as Kaori reached the upper gallery.

"Sensei, I did it!"

"I told you," Naruto replied as he clapped the young woman on the shoulder. "That was the perfect amount of tactics and unadulterated violence; however, you finished it way too fast."

"I should drag it out?" Kaori asked.

"Exactly," Naruto answered. "It will look good to the Kages that you're in complete control of the battle."

"And the look of utter despair in your opponent's eyes as they realize you're toying with them really gets me off" Anko added. She frowned as she glanced around at all the people staring at her. "What?"

"That too," Naruto agreed somewhat awkwardly.

"Don't tell her that!" Sakura snapped. "Are you both out of your minds?" Naruto and Anko stared at her. "Okay, stupid question." She turned to Kaori. "That was outstanding. You used classic misdirection. Don't listen to them."

"It's worked so far," the genin stated.

"I'd hate to interrupt," Nanbu cut in suddenly, "but you do realize that that wall is still on fire, right?" Naruto glanced back at the wall and frowned as he stared at the burning stone. "Finally figured out how to get humans to use foxfire without bursting into flame, huh?"

"Mostly," Naruto replied without thinking. He never even saw Sakura's fist coming

(:ii:)

"Maybe you shouldn't have knocked out the only guy who could put out those flames."

"He had it coming," Sakura mumbled before slurping up another mouthful of ramen.

"Well. . .yeah. He is Naruto," Rumiko pointed out. "He always has it coming." She glanced at the man they had propped up in the corner. "You know, I have to admit, I am impressed. I mean, I put him in a coma for a few hours, but it took a lot more than just one punch."

"I was very annoyed," Sakura gritted out.

"Do you want to grab dinner tonight?"

"Sure. . .wait. No. Sorry, I still don't go that way."

"Not even a little curious?" Rumiko wheedled. "I could rock your world." Sakura's jaw dropped at the other woman's bluntness and she shot a panicked look at Kaori.

"Don't worry about it," the genin said between mouthfuls of noodles. "You won't believe the shit I've heard come out of her mouth over the past month. You think Naruto and Anko are bad? Rumiko's worse. A lot worse. She just hides it better."

"Stop cock blocking me," Rumiko hissed.

"It's only fair," Naruto said, "you take pride in cock blocking me."

"And Naruto said I should take every chance I get to do it to you," Kaori added.

"How long have you been awake?" Sakura asked.

"What, you wanted me to announce my conciseness and miss watching you squirm. . .and Rumiko get shot down again?" Naruto asked. "Silly women."

"What kind of fire was that?" Sakura demanded, rather eager to change the topic. "We had to postpone the rest of the fights while a worryingly large group of jonin from all the villages tried to figure out how to put out the flames."

"I could have put them out, but somebody tried to touch the back of my head through my face," Naruto commented. "Anyway, it's foxfire."

"Which is. . ." Sakura prompted.

"Chakra," Naruto answered. "Foxfire is pure demonic chakra manifesting as flame. I've been having a hell of a time adapting it for human use. I came close once with a technique called Amaterasu, but that was more a perversion of the much stronger and purer original."

"I know that name from somewhere," Sakura commented.

"Don't know why you would have," Naruto answered. "Where's Anko?"

"Kurenai just got back from her mission," Sakura explained. "She went to go gush about how she's in a steady relationship."

"Actually, she's trying to set up a threesome," Naruto corrected. Sakura sighed and turned back to her ramen.

"What was I thinking giving Kaori to you people?"

"Deseperation?" Kaori suggested.

"No!" Sakura stated. The genin stared at her. "Maybe. . .just a little bit. Sorry."

"She's a pain in the ass and she knows it," Naruto said. "I think she takes pride in it. Took a while to scare that out of her."

"Scare it out of her?" Sakura pressed.

"Nothing lethal," Naruto muttered.

"Didn't seem that way at the time," Kaori muttered back. Sakura finished her ramen and stood up.

"Naruto?"

"Yes?"

"You got results and Kaori is okay, so I'm not going to kill you," Sakura stated. "However, I am going to leave before one of you says something that makes me rethink my position. Okay?"

"Sounds fair to me." Sakura nodded, paid her bill and walked out of the ramen shop. She knew Amaterasu. It was something she had heard of long ago but she couldn't quite place it. Unfortunately, it sounded like a very forbidden technique and there was only one place to search for very forbidden techniques: the Hokage's personal library. That also meant putting up with her mentor's very "special" filing system. "God damn it, this is going to take all night."

-End

(:ii:)

-Author's notes. Whoa, sorry folks. Lots of private and professional emergencies in my life. It's been a hell of a few months. I'm not sure I'm entirely back, but I'll work my ass off to get the next chapter up by the proper update time.

As for the story, well, I'm just getting back into the swing of things. Was it worth the wait? Well, no. As Duke Nukem Forever demonstrated, nothing is worth that kind of wait, but hopefully this will be right back into the swing of things. Also, I knew I wanted Kaori's fight to be a curb stomping, but I'm not sure I managed to make it as funny as I wanted. What can I say? My strength is dialogue.

Until next time folks. (Hopefully not in a couple of months.)


	26. Chapter 26

I don't own anything.

Nothing but Trouble

Something was sitting in Naruto's chest and pinning his arms down. While this was unusual, it barely rated a worry as he cracked an eye open to investigate the situation. "Oh, hey Anko."

"Good morning," the woman replied from her perch on his chest. "Care to explain?"

"Explain what?" Naruto asked as he realized that it wasn't Anko pinning his arms. A quick look to the left and to the right reveal a naked woman on either side of him. "Oh, them. Strippers."

"You went to a strip club and brought back strippers?" Anko demanded with something very close to anger.

"Okay, I can see you're getting pissed," Naruto allowed peaceable, "but I didn't know where you were. I tried to find you before we left." Anko still looked mad. "I'll make it up to you. We'll go back to the strip club tonight and this time we'll share the strippers. Deal?"

"Deal," Anko replied, perking right up, "although I'd kind of prefer having a role with these two. They're really cute."

"Whatever you say," Naruto replied as he sat up, casually knocking Anko onto her back and began looking for his pants.

"So, what rated a trip to the strip club?" Anko asked.

"Kaori's victory," Naruto explained as he found his pants and pulled them on. "I asked her what she wanted to do and she said strip club."

"A strip club with naked women?" Anko asked.

"I think she did it as a favor to me and Rumiko," Naruto stated, "but she had a good time."

"Ah." Naruto walked out of his bedroom and froze in his tracks so suddenly that Anko walked right into him. "Oh, that."

"Yeah, that," Naruto replied tonelessly as he stared at Kaori and Rumiko spooning under a blanket on his floor. With much dread he made his way over and lifted the blanket. "Oh, thank God." They were both fully dressed, although Rumiko's hands were rather firmly latched onto Kaori's breasts.

"I tried to separate them, but Rumiko kept growling at me," Anko said.

"She does that," Naruto replied. "This is a fragile situation that needs a very delicate touch to resolve." With that he reached down and flicked Rumiko's nose.

"Ow!"

"Get up."

"Go away!" Rumiko slurred as she nuzzled the back of Kaori's head. "I finally got my piece of ass."

"Yeah," Naruto drawled, "about that." Rumiko's eyes snapped open and she stared at the mass of dark hair in front of her. "Naruto, who am I spooning?"

"Who do you think?" Rumiko gave Kaori's breasts a few good squeezes and turned a rather amazing shade of white.

"Kaori?"

"Not that it bothers me all that much, but why can you identify our genin by groping her?" Anko asked.

"That's just a party trick of hers," Naruto explained dismissively. "She can ID any woman she's ever met by groping them. It's actually kind of cool. She has, like, a ninety nine percent success rate, though padding kind of throws her off."

"What about the other one percent?" Anko asked.

"Those she just gets a cop a feel on for free," Naruto answered. He glanced back at his underling. "Rumiko?"

"Yes?"

"You can let go of Kaori's breasts now," Naruto stated.

"Yeah, I could," Rumiko agreed. Naruto sighed in annoyance.

"Off pedobear!"

"Actually, this would be hebephilia," Rumiko corrected stiffly.

"Actually, this would be molesting my student," Naruto said, "which I'm pretty sure I told you not to do."

"I thought that was directed at Anko," Rumiko commented. Naruto stared at her. She gave Kaori's breasts another good squeeze. "Honk." And Naruto had to slap her hands away.

(:ii:)

Sakura sat blearily in front of the arena and finished her cup of God awful coffee. It wasn't that she couldn't handle an all-nighter or two, but reading line after line of the tiny chicken scratch that the previous Hokages had called handwriting had left her eyes aching. Worst yet, she hadn't even found what she was looking for. "Hey Sakura."

"Hey Naruto." It took her muddled mind a moment before all the switches flipped. "Naruto!"

"Yep," the blond replied.

"Is that Ichiraku coffee?"

"Want some?"

"Yes." Sakura snatched up the cup and drained it greedily. It was only then that the rest of the switches flipped. "What are you doing here?"

"I do have other genin," Naruto pointed out as he produced another cup of coffee and frowned as she grabbed that too. "You look like hell."

"Spent the entire night going through the Hokage's library," Sakura said as she sipped her new coffee at a more leisurely pace.

"Why?" Sakura's eyebrow twitched as she realized that she had just blurted out the truth without thinking.

"Looking for something," she replied. "Hey, Haruka said that Kaori didn't go home last night. Was she with you?" Naruto's eyebrow twitched subtlety and he sipped at yet another cup of coffee. "What did you do?"

"Nothing!"

"What did Rumiko and or Anko do?"

"Uh. . ."

"Hey Sensei!" Sakura turned and sighed in relief as she spotted her genin walking towards her with Anko and Rumiko. At least the girl was alive.

"Good morning Kaori," she said. "Stopping by to see the competition?"

"I wanna see who I get to beat up next!" Kaori stated happily.

"You're really enjoying this fighting thing now, aren't you?" Sakura asked rhetorically. "So, get up to anything interesting last night?"

"Just a little celebrating," Naruto cut in.

"I got a tattoo!" Kaori squealed. "It didn't even hurt that much. Some of the training I did hurt way worse." Sakura glanced at Naruto, but he was sipping his coffee again. Well, a tattoo wasn't the worst thing in the world.

"What did you get?"

"As Naruto's student he let me get his personal seal!" Kaori stated giddily as she shrugged off Naruto's old coat and pulled up her right sleeve to reveal a swirling, twisting design on her upper arm. "Cool, right?"

"Could be worse," Naruto cut in quickly. "She wanted a tribal tramp stamp."

"That was cool too," Kaori argued.

"Sakura would have killed me if you popped up with a stupid hooker tattoo," Naruto shot back.

"Anko has a tattoo on her lower back!"

"I have half a dozen tattoos and none of them are tribal," Anko corrected.

"That looks familiar," Sakura interrupted as their gradually increasing volume intensified her migraine. "Is that the seal of the Land of Whirlpool?"

"No. They based their seal on this one to honor their guardian," Naruto explained.

"I've never heard of the Land of Whirlpool," Kaori said as she pulled her coat back on.

"Madara Uchiha had it destroyed," Naruto explained. Sakura frowned at that.

"I thought it was torn apart in a civil war," she stated.

"The war was instigated by the Uchiha," Naruto clarified. Sakura opened her mouth to press for more information, but trailed off as she noticed something.

"What's on your hand Kaori?" The girl glanced down at her palm and stared at the string of numbers for a moment in confusion before grinning suddenly.

"I got digits!"

"How did you get a phone number?" Rumiko snapped as she grabbed Kaori's wrist and stared down at the numbers.

"Maybe because she didn't get drunk and almost get thrown out of the club for groping the help," Naruto commented.

"Hey, this is Yumi's number!" Kaori enthused.

"Yumi?" Naruto repeated.

"Her stage name was Kandi with a K," Kaori replied. "She was the really flexible one with blue highlights."

"Stage name?" Sakura asked. She watched as Naruto's face went a rather amazing shade of white.

"The chick you got twenty lap dances from?" Rumiko asked. The genin nodded. "And you got her real name?"

"Yeah! She was really cool. I'm gonna call her and see if she wants to hang out."

"Strippers normally want to do a little more than hang out," Anko commented.

"You went to a strip club with naked women?" Sakura interrupted.

"Yeah!" Kaori replied. "It was a lot of fun."

"Are you. . ." The genin's face showed no understanding as Sakura trailed off. "You know."

"What?" Kaori asked.

"She wants to know if you're gay," Anko stated.

"What? No!" Kaori sputtered. "I totally have a crush on Naru. . .body. I have a crush on nobody." She tapped her chin contemplatively as she considered something. "Well," she began thoughtfully, "I'm totally not gay, but I guess I might be a little curious."

"I could make you a lot curious," Rumiko offered. And then there was complete silence as everyone stared at her. The silence continued until Naruto smacked her across the back of the head.

"Bad lesbian, no cookie." Rumiko's jaw dropped.

"Did I just. . ."

"Yeah," Sakura deadpanned. She glanced at Anko. "And to think, I was more worried about you."

"That's just because you didn't know Rumiko that well," Naruto said.

"I told you," Rumiko growled, "lesbian does not mean depraved sexual deviant."

"True, but I'm beginning to think that 'Rumiko' does," Sakura commented.

"Ooh, burn!" Naruto cheered. "Finally figured it out, huh?"

"What?"

"That Rumiko is a depraved sexual deviant, but it you accuse her of being one she accuses you of believing stereotypes about alternative lifestyles," Naruto explained. "I've seen her do it a hundred times." Rumiko looked around jerkily.

"Lesbian avenger away!" There was a poof of smoke and she was replaced by a tall blond woman with two pig tails.

"Was that a body replacement technique?" Sakura asked, "or is that Rumiko in disguise?"

"Body replacement," Naruto answered, "a really good one. This is one of my clones that I have running around to keep an eye on things."

"I think she copped a feel along the way," the female Naruto commented. "You really need to get her laid."

"Yeah."

"I could take care of that for you?" the female blond commented. Naruto quickly dispelled the clone after that.

"Your inner feminine side again?" Kaori asked.

"I have no inner feminine side!"

(:ii:)

"Hello Mister Fox."

"Hey Nanbu!" Nanbu could only sigh as he turned back to the arena below him. Anyone else he would have had imprisoned for such disrespect.

"Come to see the fights?"

"Yup! Looks like they're getting ready to start."

"They are." Any further comments were interrupted as the proctor appeared in the middle of the arena.

"Alright!" he snapped. "Everybody shut up!" He waited for the clamor to die down. "Due to what happened yesterday, we thought it would be prudent to expand upon our previously established guidelines."

"What?" Kaori and Naruto asked at the same time.

"New rules," Nabu said, "because of what Kaori did to my genin."

"My little girl's first new rules made up specifically because of her," Naruto sniffled. "I'm so very proud."

Ah, thanks Sensei."

"When the proctor says stop, you must stop. When your opponent is unconscious, you must stop. In addition, please note, setting the stadium on fire with flames that cannot be extinguished when the stands are filled with civilians will lead to your expulsion," the proctor concluded. "Now, our first two genin will be Kammu and Ashikaga." Nanbu quickly ducked behind the guardrail.

"They're both Naruto's genin, right?" Nanbu glanced up and saw his nemesis's pink haired companion hiding next to him.

"Yup."

"That's a stereotype," Naruto growled.

"As I've just learned," the pink haired woman stated, "stereotypes aren't always wrong."

"And you're down here too," Nanbu commented.

"This proves nothing," the blond replied from where he was cowering behind the guardrail as well. "So, I guess you remember them, right?" Nanbu grabbed his remaining sleeve with his teeth and pulled it up to reveal the healed third degree burns on his remaining arm.

"What do you think?" he asked.

"Yeah, I guess you do."

"They caused that?" Sakura demanded. "A genin did that to a kage?"

"They're Mister Fox's," Nanbu stated defensively. "Besides I was in the hospital after he ripped off my arm. They tried to assassinate me." The pinked haired woman looked at Naruto.

"What? It was war!" the blond stated. "All's fair in love and war."

"You sent a genin team to kill a kage?"

"Yeah. They would have made it too, if they hadn't started fighting amongst themselves."

(:ii:)

Naruto flinched slightly as his two genin hopped down into the ring. They looked excited. He should have seen this coming. "They're really dangerous, aren't they?" Kaori asked. Naruto glanced over and saw that his genin was kneeling beside him. Apparently, too long with him had taught her not to question his actions, just to do.

"They're both Shogo's and are very dangerous. Especially Ash." A thought struck him and he shot to his feet. "No forbidden techniques!" he snapped. They both turned to look at him and he glared them down at the same time. The proctor glanced up too and subtly stepped back a bit.

"Fight!" Naruto squatted down again quickly. Fortunately, the two either took his words to mean no chakra techniques, or they just wanted to beat the shit out of each other with their bare fists.

"Well this isn't so. . ." Sakura trailed off as Kammu picked up one of the massive stone tiles from the floor and flung it at Ashikaga. The other genin ducked and the tile sailed on towards the gallery where one of Naruto's jonin blasted it into rubble before any harm could be done. The pink haired woman sank down a little more. "They're strong."

"Most of mine are," Naruto explained. "Our training emphasizes physical strength."

"Brawn instead of brains, huh?" Sakura asked.

"Planning is redundant since plans always fall apart as soon as you run into the enemy," Naruto answered. "Thinking on your feet and staying flexible are way more useful." He frowned as he recognized a few of the seals Ashikaga was forming behind his back. "Everyone duck more."

"What?" Sakura was cut off as the entire floor of the arena burst into flames. The conflagration contracted and rose up into a rather spectacular fireball leaving Ashikaga standing in the ring with a badly burned Kammu and fairly heavily singed proctor.

"Winner: Ashikaga!"

"Groovy."

"What was that?" Sakura deadpanned.

"He has a genetic gift for water manipulation." The pink haired woman stared at him. "What?"

"That wasn't water! That was fire. Fire is the opposite of water!"

"He broke down water vapor in the air into hydrogen and oxygen, both of which burn," Naruto explained. "At least his control has improved. Last time he did that. . ."

"I don't want to know," Sakura interrupted. "So, control of water gives you control of fire?"

"In the Village Hidden in the Springs," Nanbu said. "If you ever go there you'll learn that that kind of thing makes perfect sense."

"Already been there," Sakura replied.

"Sounds like my kind of place!" Anko cheered.

"Two hour break!" the proctor announced at he looked sadly around himself at the recently repaired and currently ruined arena. "Smoke them if you got them."

(:ii:)

"That was dangerous, Naruto," Sakura stated as the blond led her, Anko and Kaori through the streets of the Village Hidden in the Leaves. "Kammu could have been killed."

"It's a risk that all ninja face," Naruto replied. "Considering my genin run the occasional A-ranked mission, I think they understand that pretty well." Sakura could already see that she wasn't going to win this one. They arrived at Ichiraku's and took their seats.

"Hey Naruto!" Ayame stated. "Something happened at the exams again, right?"

"Two of his genin were picked to fight," Sakura stated.

"Anybody die?" the waitress asked.

"Not yet," Naruto answered, "but, we still have time."

"You know, this is the longest exam we've had yet," Ayame commented. "Two days in and we've only had two fights."

"We've never had to put up with anybody like his genin before," Sakura grumbled.

"This should be a good tournament at least," Ayame commented.

"It'll be to die for," Naruto promised.

"Well, that wasn't too ominous," Sakura said. Ayame took their orders and disappeared into the back. "Well, at least this fight didn't involve professional wrestling moves."

"Yeah, too bad about that," Naruto mumbled. "Hey, who taught you that Kaori?"

"It was Anko," Kaori replied cheerfully. "Awesome, right?"

"You taught her how to do suplexes?" Naruto asked.

"Yup!" Anko replied.

"I thought the point was to teach her practical taijutsu," Naruto said blankly.

"Suplexes are practical," Anko replied, "practically awesome that is!"

"Of course," Sakura grumbled, "should have seen that coming."

"Will you marry me?" Naruto asked.

"Now?" Anko asked.

"Sure!" Naruto answered, "all we have to do is go grab Granny, sign some papers and boom."

"No."

"No?" Naruto repeated. "Huh, that's a first."

"What?" Anko asked. "Oh, no! We should totally get married, it's just that. . ."

"It's just that. . ." Naruto pressed.

"Don't you dare laugh at me," Anko ordered.

"Perish the thought," Naruto replied.

"I want to be a very pretty princess dressed in all white with a big wedding," Anko admitted.

"Western or traditional?" Naruto asked. Anko paused and thought about that for a minute.

"Western."

"Can do," Naruto answered.

"Really?" Anko squealed. The blond nodded. "Yay! Oh my God, I've got to tell Kurenai!" Sakura watched as the purple haired woman ran out of the restaurant.

"You're joking, right?" she asked.

"What?" Naruto asked.

"You're not actually getting married, right?" Sakura clarified.

"Sure we are," Naruto replied. He frowned suddenly. "Shit. I've got to start planning, weddings are such a pain. Honeymoons are good though."

"You can plan a wedding?" Sakura asked. "Rumiko made it sound like you couldn't even plan a night out on the town."

"Trust me, the last time I got married I let somebody else plan it and it was a mess."

"You've been married before," Sakura commented, "of course. I get the feeling that I may still have to get a Yamanaka for you."

"Well excuse me for not talking about the fact that I'm a widower." Sakura's jaw dropped.

"Oh my God. I'm so sorry, Naruto."

"Meh, don't worry about it. You didn't know." Their ramen appeared and Sakura watched him eat.

"Could I get it to go," Sakura asked. Suddenly, she didn't have an appetite.

"Sure Sakura," Ayame replied as she grabbed a to go cup.

"I'm going to head back to the arena," she stated.

"Take Kaori with you."

"Another to go please."

(:ii:)

Rumiko watched Sakura and Kaori walked away from the ramen stand before she slipped inside. "Hey Naruto."

"Hey Lesbian Avenger."

"Yeah, I had that one coming," Rumiko admitted as she sat down. "I never knew you were married."

"I've been married five times," Naruto replied as he ate his ramen. "I don't like to talk about it."

"Five times in, what, a couple hundred years?"

"A thousand years," Naruto corrected. "My first wife was a civilian. We grew old together and then she died. I didn't handle it well, lots of death and destruction and vowing never to love again."

"But you did."

"One in a million," Naruto said. "Every once in a while, there is a woman who makes all the pain and heartache that I know are coming worth it. Anko is one of them."

"I can't imagine what that's like," Rumiko stated. She knew her boss was old, but that old?

"How can you go on?"

"I just do," Naruto answered.

"I used to think living forever would be a good thing."

"I won't live forever," Naruto stated with a grin. "Nothing is forever. Some day, some human will come along and I'll fight them with everything I have and they will kill me."

"You sound happy about that."

"Through the years I've fought and won and lost a million times, but my opponents have always fallen short," Naruto commented. "One day they will rise to the task and it will be glorious."

"Maybe Madara?" The blond looked at her like she had grown a third eye.

"He can't kill me. He doesn't have the balls."

"Maybe me?"

"Sure, why not?"

-End

(:ii:)

-Author's notes. Alright, let's try this again. I should be back. The problem with summer is that I have a schedule that consists of work, nap, drink and pass out. Then repeat. Five times a week. Weekends usually consist of the same, only less work and more drink. As you may imagine, it kind of screws up schedules when you're either drunk or working. And I'm talking about the kind of drunk where you end up lying down, watching the world spin and vowing never to do it again.

Also, sorry for the hurricane and earthquake. If I had known that getting a degree would cause this. . .I probably would have still done it. Is it a coincidence that my bachelor's will roughly coincide with 2012?

Alright, words of wisdom: never drink and watch Jackass. It will not end well.

So, since I have received a record low in death threats, I figured I'd treat you all.

Omake, bitch!

-When Kisame met the Fox. . .and Ryoko:

Kisame leaned back against the tree and spat out a mouthful of blood. So, this was what it was like to get his ass kicked. It had been a long time since that had happened. "Get up! Get up! Get up! Get up!"

"Shut up!" Kisame snapped at the giant red monster before him. "You stay right there Furry!"

"Get up and fight me!" the Nine Tailed Demon Fox howled.

"I am," Kisame growled as he pushed off the tree and tried to use his sword as a crutch to help him up.

"How can you get up with two broken legs?" the Fox demanded. Kisame glared at it and managed to climb to his feet, which rendered the Fox completed mute.

"Like I said, you stay right there. I'm going to give you such a hang nail."

"Yes!" the Fox roared. "That's it. Now fight me!" Kisame let out an annoyed growl and managed to raise his sword. He had to admit, this was kind of fun. It had been so long since he had fought as hard as he could and been beaten. That was when a blue haired woman appeared and slammed into the Fox. She turned and struck a pose, completed ignoring the bright flash of light behind her.

"What the fuck?" Kisame asked intelligently.

"No need to thank me civilian!" the woman declared.

"What."

"What the fuck?" Kisame glanced past the woman and saw an irate blond stalking towards them. The blue haired woman turned and flashed a victor sign. "What did you just do?"

"I resealed the demon fox!" she declared.

"No you didn't!" the blond snapped. "You sealed me in this form!"

"Exactly," the woman stated. "I resealed the demon fox. . ."

"I am the demon fox!" the blond roared.

"Oh," the woman stated. "So, it was horse, serpent, hare and not hare, serpent, horse."

"You messed up three hand seals?" the blond asked.

"Uh. . .yeah. It seems that way."

"You," the Fox stated, stabbing a finger at Kisame, "take five. You," he added, pointing at the blue-haired woman, "I am going to choke you. I don't know when, if I ever, I'm going to stop."

"Yeah, that seems fair," the woman replied. Thus the blond began choking her.

-End

(:ii:)

-When the Fox met Rumiko:

"So, that's her room?" Naruto asked as he pointed to the door.

"Yes sir," the aide stated. "She's one of the last ninja of the land of snow. She's been fighting the war against Earth since the beginning."

"Excellent!" Naruto replied as he raised one foot.

"Uh, sir. . .I wouldn't. . ." Naruto ignored the brat and kicked the door open. He was completely unprepared for the long, glow in the dark shape that slapped him in the face.

"What."

"Who the fuck are you?" the half-naked woman demanded as she stumbled out of her bed. Naruto ignored her and prodded the long, tubular shape on the floor with his toe.

"What is this?"

"I said, who the fuck are you?" the woman demanded.

"This is Naruto," the aide replied. "Princess Yuki has brought him in to lead the offensive against Earth."

"What offensive?" the woman demanded. "We're all about to be killed!"

"Jesus woman!" Naruto declared suddenly. "Could you buy a bigger one?" The woman glanced down at the cylinder at his feet. "I have never seen a fourteen-inch fake dick!"

"It's doubled-ended," the woman replied stiffly, "so, it's only, like, seven inches."

"And yet you're all alone," Naruto commented.

"It belongs to some chick I brought back form the bar," Rumiko replied.

"What? Your brought a woman back from the bar? Why?"

"I'm a lesbian," the woman replied. "I like women."

"You know, I think we're going to get along just fine," Naruto stated as he stuck out his hand. "Naruto."

"Rumiko," the woman replied as she cautiously shook his hand.

-End

(:ii:)

-When Sasuke met a Wedding Invitation

"What the hell is taking the tournament so long?" Sasuke demanded.

"Apparently, the arena has been wrecked twice," Suigetsu reported. "Last I heard, the spies were reporting that the Village Hidden in the Leaves is thinking about moving the whole tournament until the last rounds."

"The arena has been wrecked twice?" Sasuke asked. "That didn't happen when. . ."

"Letter for you, sir." The youngest Uchiha spun around to find a young, masked man standing behind him.

"Uh, thanks," Sasuke said as he took the letter.

"Sign here please." Sasuke signed for the letter and the masked man disappeared.

"That guy was good. Nobody has ever snuck up on me before."

"He's a ninja mailman," Jugo stated.

"Ninja mailman?" Sasuke asked.

"You've never heard of them before?" Suigetsu asked. "They're the best. They can get anywhere and sneak up on anyone."

"Can we hire them to attack the Land Hidden in the Leaves?" Sasuke demanded.

"Oh no, they're strictly neutral," Suigetsu stated.

"Can't we force them. . ."

"No!" Jugo snapped. "Nobody forces ninja mailmen to do anything. I heard, the last guy who tried to force ninja mailmen to do anything was sent to his next of kin in a tastefully wrapped package."

"Ouch," Sasuke replied.

"With postage owing," Jugo added.

"That's just sick!" Sasuke announced. He opened the envelope. "To Sasuke Uchiha plus one guest, you are cordially invited to the marriage of Naruto Uzumaki and Anko Mitarashi." There was silence for a good moment before both Jugo and Suigetsu spoke.

"Dibs!"

-End

(:ii:)

-Author's other notes. Okay, quick test. So, I was sober when most of the chapter was written. I was working on my third forty when the omakes were written. Is there a difference?

-Jack


	27. Chapter 27

I own nothing.

Nothing but Trouble

-Chapter Twenty-Seven

"This is such a pain in the ass," Rumiko huffed as she continued along the winding forest trail.

"You've been chair squatting too much lately," Naruto replied from beside her.

"True, but this is still a pain in the ass," Rumiko said angrily. "Why the hell did they put the tournament all the way out here? Don't they know there's an enemy army out here?"

"I kind of doubt it," Naruto said.

"Well they should!" Rumiko snapped. "Enough people have disappeared out here that they should know something is happening."

"Maybe they do," Naruto offered. "This could just be the bait in a big trap."

"Using genin for bait is kind of cold, don't you think?"

"Better them than more experience and valuable ninja," Naruto answered. Rumiko fell silent and pondered that until they came to the clearing where the tournament was being held.

"Do you really think that's true?" she asked finally.

"Nah," Naruto grunted. "The kages have gotten too soft for the big boy games."

"So, that's something you'd do?" Naruto was silent for a while.

"No. I couldn't do that," he said finally. "I'm not a general. I don't see chess pieces, I see my drinking buddies. That's why I left the strategy up to you."

"I would never have even thought of something like that."

"You're still young."

"Then I'm not sure I want to get old." Rumiko always hated when conversations with Naruto turned to business. Those were the times that reminded her that he was a millennia-old war monger and not some cheerful, over-powered drunk that liked to fight. "There's Sakura and Kaori."

"Hey folks!"

"Hey Naruto," Sakura replied. "Where's your blushing bride?"

"Probably still looking for Kurenai," Naruto replied. "The fights have already started?"

"They have and they've been going very smoothly," Sakura said. "There have already been three fights."

"So, none of ours have been picked, huh?" Rumiko asked.

"Nope."

"Figures," Rumiko grunted. "Sounds like most of our genin are going to be fighting each other. That's probably for the best. I'd hate to run our genin against some poor kid from Leaf or Mist."

"Plus it means the fights are going to be awesome!" Naruto cheered. "I wouldn't miss this for the world!"

"Naruto!" Rumiko glanced back and noticed Anko running towards them dragging a dark haired woman behind her. "Tell Kurenai that we're getting married! She doesn't believe me!"

"Hello Naruto," the dark haired woman offered. "It's been a while."

"Hey Kurenai."

"Welcome back Kurenai," Sakura said. "How was your mission?"

"It went great," Kurenai stated. "I even got home a day early. I'm thinking of grabbing a hotel room and just relaxing for the night while I still have a genin team watching my kids."

"Can't blame you."

"Stop ignoring me and tell her we're getting married!" Anko snapped.

"We're getting married," Naruto replied automatically. Kurenai took a deep breath and let it out as a sigh before turning to Anko.

"You're pregnant, aren't you?"

"No! He asked me because he loves me, right Naruto?"

"Well, yeah," Naruto replied.

"See!" Anko cheered. "I told you!" Her grin suddenly turned lecherous and she stood on her toes and threw an arm around Kurenai's shoulders. "Now that we've got that cleared up, I have a vey important question for you."

"Of course!" Kurenai stated.

"Really?"

"You're one of my oldest friends," the Kurenai stated as she hugged the shorter woman. "Of course I'll be your maid of honor."

"Well, that too, but I was gonna ask about a threesome," Anko replied as both of her hands dropped to Kurenai's ass and gave it a squeeze causing the taller woman to squirm.

"Anko!"

(:ii:)

Sakura could only sigh in disgust as she watched Anko molest the jonin, who was becoming increasingly flustered. "Naruto."

"Yes?" the blond asked as he watched the action with rapt attention.

"Are you going to stop this?"

"He'd better not," Rumiko growled. Sakura pinched the bridge of her nose and began a slow count to ten until she was rudely interrupted by Kurenai letting out a strangled moan.

"Naruto!"

"Okay kids, break it up," the blond ordered as he pulled them apart. Kurenai promptly collapsed against him.

"Thank you. Thank you. Thank you."

"Happy?"

"No," Rumiko mumbled.

"You realize that she's grinding against your leg, right?" Sakura asked.

"Kind of hard to miss," Naruto replied.

"That's my Kurenai!" Anko cheered. "Once you get her engine revving, there ain't no stopping her." Sakura could almost feel her metal image of Kurenai as a calm, collected, mature woman shatter. The purple haired woman grabbed Kurenai. "Well, we're going to go to the hotel room and do naughty things, feel free to join us." With that they both disappeared. Naruto made it a whole minute.

"I've got this thing to do. . .with someone. . .uh. . .somewhere." He disappeared too, only to reappear a moment latter. "Okay, that was a lie. I'm totally going to go have a threesome with those two hot chicks. Later." He disappeared again. Sakura let out a disgusted sigh.

"So much for not missing this for the world."

"I need to go iron my. . .dog," Kaori stated before disappearing as well before Sakura could say anything.

"Did she just. . ."

"Yeah," Rumiko answered. "Um, I'm going to go. . ."

"Tell me Kaori isn't going to go join them," Sakura interrupted.

"Naruto wouldn't let her," Rumiko stated. "Believe it or not, he does have some standards."

"Then where is she going?"

"Probably to spy on them."

"Like you are?"

"I'm not going to. . ." Rumiko trailed off at the look she was getting. "Bye." Then she disappeared too.

"Did that really just happen?" Sakura turned and saw Kiba.

"Do you have any booze?"

"What?"

"Alcohol," Sakura stated, "do you have any?" The brown haired man reached into one of his pockets and produced a flask which Sakura promptly emptied. "Thanks." She handed it back. "Did you know. . ."

". . .about Anko and Kurenai?" Kiba finished. Sakura nodded. "I know nothing, see nothing and hear nothing."

"I need another drink."

(:ii:)

"Good times," Naruto mumbled as he hunted through the fridge. He was starving. "Enjoy the show?"

"I don't know what you're talking about," Rumiko stated primly. She had popped up shortly after they had finished. Naruto grabbed a takeout carton from Ichiraku's and a pair of beers.

"Catch."

"Thanks."

"So, you weren't watching when I took a shower and left them alone for an hour?" he pressed.

"You did that just for me?" Rumiko asked in shock.

"Yup." She actually teared up a little at that.

"Thanks." Naruto collapsed onto the couch next to her.

"So, what's up?"

"I was just thinking that you should probably let Anko in on your big secret," Rumiko stated as she opened her beer.

"How do you think she's going to handle it?" Naruto asked.

"Finding out she's getting married to an ancient demon trapped in a human body?" Rumiko asked. "I have no idea."

"Oh, I thought you were talking about having been married before."

"I think the demon thing is a bit bigger than a few marriages," Rumiko commented.

"So says you."

"Hey folks!"

"You're pretty chipper," Rumiko commented as she watched the naked woman walk by to the fridge.

"You should know why," Anko shot back.

"I have no idea what you're talking about!" Rumiko said a bit louder than necessary.

"Sure," Anko drawled as she plopped down on Naruto's other side with a sandwich. "Kurenai's still passed out."

"I'm good at what I do," Naruto stated as he shoveled ramen into his mouth.

"So, what were you two talking about?" Anko asked as she tore into her sandwich. "Rumiko? Rumiko? Earth to Rumiko!"

"What?"

"You know, I could just fuck you," Anko offered. Rumiko's hands clenched so tightly that her knuckles turned white.

"I don't need a pity fuck!"

"Yes you do," Naruto said through a mouthful of half-chewed noodles.

"Anyway, we were discussing Naruto's big secret."

"Subtle," Naruto commented.

"Big secret?" Anko asked.

"I'm the Nine-Tailed Fox."

"I know. I was there when it was sealed."

"No, I _am_ the Nine-Tailed Fox," Naruto corrected. "I escaped and got sealed in this body."

"And Naruto?"

"Dead. Sorry."

"Oh. Too bad. He seemed like a good kid."

"He was a great man."

"That's it?" Rumiko asked.

"Well, I only met the kid a few times," Anko replied with a shrug. "It's always a shame to loose a fellow Leaf ninja, but it does happen."

"And the fact that you're getting married to a demonic monster?" Rumiko pressed. A bright, perverted smile spread across Anko's face. "Never mind."

"Oh, and I've been married before," Naruto added. Anko's grin disappeared.

"What?" she screeched.

"Yeah."

"But. . .but. . .what if we have problems or something?"

"Don't be silly Anko. I wouldn't divorce you."

"But I can be a pain in the ass sometimes!" Anko added. "If you weren't willing to work through problems with her than there's no way it could work with us!"

"Actually, I was willing to work out any problems with them," Naruto stated. "I've never been divorced."

"Them?" Anko shrieked. "Wait, what do you mean you've never been divorced?"

"I'm a widower," Naruto stated. Anko stared at him for a minute.

"What happened?"

"I'm over a thousand years old," Naruto stated flatly. "They were human."

"So, one day I'll die and you'll just go on living?" Anko asked. The blond nodded. "Well then, I guess we'd better enjoy it while it lasts."

"Yeah." Anko finished her sandwich and stood.

"Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm exhausted." Naruto and Rumiko watched her go.

"Called it."

Shut up Naruto."

(:ii:)

"So, have you seen those genin?" Suigetsu asked. "The ones from Snow are pretty vicious."

"I heard they're the ones that caused the tournament to be moved," Jugo commented.

"With the way they were tearing it up, I'll believe it," Suigetsu commented. "At least now that they're out in the woods they didn't have to keep stopping."

"Yeah, but now we have to wait while they recuperate," Jugo grunted. "What's the big deal with interrupting the last rounds of the tournament anyway?"

"Meh. Drama queen ninja."

"True. True."

-End

(:ii:)

-Author's notes. Well, this is awkward. I'd love to give you all a long speech about how something completely earth shattering came up and kept me from posting for about six months, but really, I got nothing. I just fell into a funk and couldn't seem to write a damn thing. I don't think that's ever happened to me before.

Now, on to more important things! What could possibly tear me from my funk and drive me to put finger to keyboard? Fucking Toonami. That's right, it's back. Unfortunately, I, along with most of Toonami's original fanbase missed the April Fools special. Why? Because we're all old now and most of us had just finished a work week and were either passed out, passed out drunk or out partying. At least that's what I'm getting from all my friends who were also Toonami faithfuls. Anyway, we all did our part and now Toonami is back. Now we just all have to tune in and make sure CN realizes that Toonami was missed and is damn well worth their time. Also, Deadman Wonderland is fucking weird. I like it.

Now, as for my schedule. I'm not going to say that I'm back to my old once every two weeks one since every time I do I seem to fail. So, I'm just going to shoot for once a month. I know it's a pain to wait for something you want to read, but having a normal schedule should alleviate that some.


	28. Chapter 28

I own nothing.

Nothing but Trouble

-Chapter Twenty-Eight:

"So, where's your genin Sakura?" Sakura could feel the eyes of her sensei boring into her.

"Probably drunk in a strip club," she muttered. Of course, it would be one of her genin who was late turning up for the latest round of the finals. "Or spying on Naruto, Anko and Kurenai have a threesome. . .again."

"What?" Tsunade asked blankly. "You know what? I don't want to know, but I'm going to have to start the fights now."

"Go for it." The blond shrugged and rose to her feet. Of course, the moment she tried to speak, Kaori and a tall blond in pigtails appeared with the other genin down the stadium floor.

"Sorry we're late!" the blond announced cheerfully into the suddenly silent stadium as she waved happily to one and all.

"God damn it, Naruto," Tsunade grumbled as she pinched the bridge of her nose.

"Welcome to my world," Nanbu stated. "At least he's sober, even if he is a she. . .for the moment." The blond whispered something to Kaori and bounced, in more ways than one, up to join the other Kages.

"Hey folks!"

"Sit down and shut up," Tsunade ordered before turning back to the awaiting crowds and beginning her speech.

"So," Sakura began, "Naruto's inner feminine side?"

"Yup!" the blond stated. Maybe Sakura was imagining it, but she could almost swear that she heard some distant voice scream that they had no inner feminine side.

"Have any of those three left their apartment in the past five days?" Sakura asked.

"Nope," the blond stated. "They've been sending me out to do chores for them like paying off the genin team watching Kurenai's kids. . ."

"Or dropping off Kaori?" Sakura pressed.

"That too," Girl Naruto replied. "Anko and Kurenai promised me a special reward if I play nice and do what they say." Sakura could only sigh and turned back to Tsunade, who was wrapping up her speach. She really didn't want to hear anymore. The older blond turned and walked back to her seats. "Nice speech Granny." Sakura tuned them out and turned to the score board that was going to announce the fighters. The first name popped up and Girl Naruto whistled as down below there was a round of polite cheering indicating that most people below didn't know who he was either.

"One of yours?"

"Yep."

"Is he going to wreck the place?"

"Maybe." Then Kaori's name popped up. "Okay, probably." Sakura felt her heart drop. She had seen Naruto's genin fight. Well, technically, Naruto's genin versus anyone except each other tended to be more of a slaughter really. That was when she noticed a rather huge amount of cheering coming from below. She stood and glanced over the edge of the Kage's viewing area and felt an eyebrow rise as she spotted a group of attractive twenty-something year old women waving a "Kaori For the Win!" banner down in the stadium.

"Naruto?"

"Yes?" the blond asked.

"Who are they?" Naruto stood and followed her line of sight.

"Uh. . .probably some girls from the Kage Club. Kaori's pretty popular there."

"Oh." Sakura let that go for a minute. "What's the Kage Club?"

"Only the most expensive and exclusive gentlemen's club in town," Tsunade said.

"Oh." It took Sakura another moment to realize what was wrong with that statement. "How did you know that?" Tsunade had to good grace to look somewhat awkward.

"Kages drink for free there," she explained, "and they don't water down their booze."

"Really?" Nanbu asked. "I'm going to need an address later."

"Sure thing!" Naruto announced. "The owner is really nice. He keeps telling me that if I even need a job, I should call him."

"Madame Hokage? Can I start the fight yet?" Tsunade glanced up from their conversation and balked.

"Damn it, forgot about that."

(:ii:)

"Kaori, kill! Bwa-hahahahahaha!"

"For some reason, that is far more terrifying coming from a female," Nanbu grumbled. "So, you're rooting for your genin to beat your other genin?" Naruto's laughter trailed off as she pondered that.

"Uh. . .I'm rooting for the genin I trained to beat that snotty little pain in the ass I stuck with Shogo?"

"That's one of Shogo's?" Nanbu asked, squinting down into the arena. "Oh my God, I know that little prick! He's the reason I don't have hair any more! Kick his ass!" Down in the arena the proctor was carefully backing away from the suddenly giggling female genin and the male genin was looking rather nervous.

"And, fight!" The proctor promptly turned and fled the arena and any potential house-sized fireballs. Strangely, there were no fireballs. Instead, there was some of the most brutal hand-to-hand combat Sakura had ever seen.

"You taught Kaori actual taijutsu?"

"Yeah," Naruto replied. "Remember the last fight?"

"That didn't count," Sakura growled. "Suplexes aren't taijutsu."

"They are if they work," Naruto countered.

"Gonna have to go with Mister Fox on that one," Nanbu commented. "She's toying with him. Is that a good idea? That kid is really strong."

"Kaori's faster and smarter," Naruto answered. "As long as she stays out of his reach, she should be fine." That was of course when Kaori's opponent managed to land a heavy punch to Kaori's face.

"Oh God, she actually listened when you and Anko told her to drag it out," Sakura moaned as she watched her genin stumble.

"Not over yet," Naruto said. Kaori managed to get her feet under her and swung a wild haymaker in the boy's face. The boy's feet got tangled under him and he fell to his knees before Kaori. She grabbed him by both ears and landed a quick succession of headbutts before winding up and delivering a soccer kick to his groin. A towel floated into the ring before the boy even hit the ground.

"Yes!" Nanbu roared. He quickly sat down as he realized that he was the only one who had cheered. A moment of shocked silence went by before Kaori's stripper cheering section exploded and was quickly followed by the rest of the crowd.

"See?" Naruto demanded as she joined the applause. "Rumiko's family style of taijutsu cannot be matched in sheer cruelty."

"Ah yes, the School of a Thousand Groin Shots," Nanbu commented, "perfected over many generations of drunkenly picking fights in bars."

"That was Rumiko's style?" Sakura demanded as she tried to reconcile her view of Rumiko as a calm, though slightly nymphomaniacal woman, and the style-less slug fest she had just witnessed.

"Yup!" Naruto cheered. "Pre-game at my place, party at the Kage Club!" With that, the blond ran down to the arena, collected Kaori and they both disappeared.

(:ii:)

"I can do this," Sakura stated as she raised a hand to knock on the door before her only for her first to fall back to her side. "I just really don't want to. God damn it." She had been standing here for the past ten minutes and even she had to admit that it was getting ridiculous.

"Hey Sakura!" The pink haired woman turned and sighed in relief as she saw a distraction walking towards her.

"Morning Kiba. What are you doing here?"

"Checking up on Kurenai," the dog nin replied. "It's been a week since she took off with Naruto and Anko."

"Yeah," Sakura drawled. "Has anybody seen any of them since then?"

"A blond with pig tails burst into Kurenai's home on the second day and dropped off enough money for that genin team to babysit until some time into the next century," Kiba stated. "The same blond also showed up to cheer for Kaori yesterday."

"I was at the fights," Sakura stated. "And that was a clone."

"Oh," Kiba grunted. "So, how long have you been skulking outside the door?"

"I am no skulking!" Kiba's raised eyebrow said that he didn't believe her. "I'm just kind of scared of what I might see in there." That was when the door was torn open to reveal a shirtless blond.

"How long are you going to skulk out there setting off my seals?" Naruto demanded.

"We were just having a quick discussion," Sakura snapped back as she pushed her way in. "Is Kurenai here? I wanted to talk to. . ."

"Sakura!" The pink haired woman was cut short as the person she was searching for walked into the room wearing a bright orange button down shirt and apparently nothing else. "It's so good to see you!" Sakura was about to comment on her attire when the dark-haired woman seized her in a hug. "And Kiba!" Kurenai quickly moved on to hug her former student.

"Hey Sensei. You seem happy." At least Kiba was as disturbed by this as she was.

"Hey Sensei!" Sakura turned and saw her genin sprawled on the couch next to older girl with blue highlights and the girl Naruto clone. "Did you swing by for the after party?"

"After party?"

"Yup!" Kaori announced. "We had the pregame yesterday after I won, the party was all last night and now we're getting ready for the after party!"

"God, this is like med school after finals," Sakura grumbled as she collapsed on the chair across from her student. "I don't believe we've met."

"We haven't," the woman with blue highlights replied. "I'm Yumi."

"Are you one of Naruto's ninja?"

"Uh no. I'm a dancer at the Kage Club."

"Oh." It took a few minutes for that to sink in. "The strip club?"

"With a cover charge like there's, I'm going to go with high-end gentlemen's club," Naruto stated as he reappeared with several beers. "Beer?"

"Sure." Sakura took it and nearly dropped it. "What happened to you?"

"Huh? What?"

"That!" Sakura stated stabbing a finger as the swirling mass of scar tissue on Naruto's stomach.

"Oh, chakra blade to the seal a couple of years ago," the blond answered as he collapsed on the love seat next to Kurenai who was still happily bubbling away to an increasingly incredulous looking Kiba. "No worries, everything is still fine in here."

"Oh," Sakura replied as she tried to take as many mental notes about the scar's appearance as she could. She had seen many wounds from chakra weapons and many wounds from overpowered seals and none had quite looked like that mark. "Can I talk to you on the balcony Kurenai?"

"Sure!" the dark haired woman chirped. Sakura sighed in relief and led the woman out. "So, what did you want to talk about?"

"Naruto." Sakura could only sigh as the older woman began giggling. "Please, stop that." Kurenai took several deep breaths and managed to curtail her laugher.

"What about him?"

"You're a genjutsu master," Sakura stated. "Have you notice anything different about him?"

"You mean, from when he was a genin?" Kurenai asked. "Well, there is a matter of size, at least, from what Hinata told me. . ."

"I meant about his chakra," Sakura interrupted. She really didn't want to hear any more. Kurenai sobered up rather considerably as she leaned against the railing.

"Not that I can tell," she admitted. "I told you before, I am not a Hyuga. I can't see a person's chakra system, but I can see the chakra they are exuding. That is a fundamental skill to dissolve a genjutsu."

"And you haven't noticed a change in Naruto?" Sakura pressed.

"Naruto has always shone too brightly for me to read."

"His control has always been pretty bad," Sakura admitted.

"Well, it's only gotten worse, or he's only gotten stronger," Kurenai stated. "Before, he was painful to look at. Now, I can't even look at him. He shines like the sun."

"Is it all his chakra?"

"What do you mean?"

"Is it human chakra?" Sakura pressed.

"You'd need a Hyuga." Kurenai answered. "I can only see chakra, I can't tell the difference between human chakra and other. Do you think the Fox is doing something?"

"Yes. What do you think?"

"I think, if the Fox was doing anything, Naruto would be more interested in burning the world and less interested in doing this one thing to my. . ."

"Enough," Sakura interrupted.

"No, really. He can do this one thing. . ."

(:ii:)

"What do you think they're talking about?" Naruto asked as he watched Sakura turn redder and redder through the glass door leading to his balcony.

"Probably you," Anko replied. "I think Kurenai is talking about that thing you do."

"Which one?"

"The one where you. . ."

"Don't care!" Kiba interrupted.

"Are you sure?" Anko teased. "You could probably take a few notes."

"I've never really had a problem keeping women happy," Kiba countered. "I think I'll just stick with what's been working so far."

"If you say so kiddo."

"Good morning everyone!" Naruto glanced up and felt a grin spread across his face as he spotted Mei wearing Kisame's sleeveless trench coat with only half the buttons done.

"Hey, you look pretty good in that," Anko commented.

"Really?" Mei giggled. "I think so too."

"You know," Naruto began, "Kisame is always bragging about how comfortable his coat is."

"It is very comfortable," Mei confirmed.

"What's the lining made of?" Naruto asked.

"I don't know."

"Could you check the label?"

"Sure!" Mei began unbuttoning her coat and everyone in the room suddenly began paying quite a bit more attention.

"Mei," Kisame grumbled as he stepped around her and into the kitchen. "It's a trick." The redhead froze and gave them all a cheerful smile.

"That's very clever Naruto."

"I have my moments," the blond replied, doing his best to hide his disappointment as Sakura and Kurenai came back into the pent house. "Have fun you two?"

"You three are sick!" Sakura snapped.

"So Kurenai was giving you a play by play?" Naruto pressed. "Pick up any good tips?" The pink haired woman glared at him. "What? I'm just curious."

"You sure you can judge, Miss Naughty Nurse?" Kiba asked.

"Kiba!" Sakura shrieked as she turned even redder.

"Ooh! Do you shop at Aoki's?" Anko asked. "I have all their costumes! I have the naught nurse, naughty librarian, naughty prisoner, naughty cop, naughty teacher, naughty schoolgirl and the naughty ninja."

"Sakura!" Naruto interrupted. "You know, I'm disappointed in you."

"You are?" Sakura asked incredulously, raising one eyebrow.

"Well, yeah!" Naruto announced. "You should be playing naughty doctor at least, if not naughty professor of medical science."

"They don't make either of those costumes," Kiba stated, "hence only the naughty nurse."

"Oh."

"Just curious," Kiba added, "how is the naughty ninja costume different from how Anko normally dresses?"

"Wouldn't you like to know," Anko stated cheerfully.

(:ii:)

Sakura stared out over the village and sipped her drink as the party behind her shifted into high gear. She heard the glass door slide open and Naruto joined her on the balcony of his pent house. "What's up wall flower?"

"I can't believe how far Kaori has come since you took over instructing her," Sakura stated. "Tsunade sent me out to check the odds and Kaori is actually a favorite to win."

"Well, she's a step closer," Naruto replied as he leaned against the railing next to her. "Were there any more delays?"

"Nope. We're down to our last eight," Sakura stated. "Haruka got eliminated in the first round and Satomi got the wild card spot this round so she didn't have to fight."

"Who now?" Sakura rolled her eyes and finished her beer in one go.

"Quiet-Twin got eliminated and Not-a-Twin didn't have to fight."

"Oh," Naruto handed her another beer. "You didn't swing by the club last night."

"What would I have done at a strip club?" Sakura asked.

"Same thing Granny did: get drunk and get a couple lap dances."

"I am so glad I don't party with her anymore."

"Oh, come on," Naruto whined. "It would have been fun and we haven't really gotten to hang out like we used to."

"It doesn't feel like it used to," Sakura replied.

"Well, we were kids then," Naruto stated. "We're both different people now, so of course it doesn't feel like it used to." Sakura opened her new beer and took a drink.

"You know that Kaori will have to fight again tomorrow, right?" Sakura asked as she decided to steer clear of their current topic. "Should you really be having a party now?"

"After party," Naruto corrected. Sakura glared at him. "Never mind. Anyway, a little hangover never killed anyone and actually, she's a lot better at fighting that way."

"She is?"

"Yeah, she kind of goes for the quick and easy kills."

"Ah. That's good." Sakura sipped his beer. "Kill?"

"Yeah, she's not very cheerful with a hangover. The proctor will probably stop her before anyone gets too crippled."

"So, what exactly is too crippled?"

"Uh. . .unable to live a normal life after two decades of attempted recovery?" Sakura killed her new beer.

"Ah, hell, sounds good to me."

(:ii:)

Naruto watched Sakura return to the party and sipped his beer. "So, what's new?"

"Other than the fact that I didn't get invited," Yasu stated from where he was sitting on the roof, "not much."

"You had a job to do," Naruto responded. "Considering that you aren't doing it now, I hope you have a good excuse."

"Join me and find out." Naruto shrugged and hopped up next to the man. "They're mobilizing." Naruto grinned and killed his beer. "The attack could come at any moment."

"We have a few days," Naruto stated.

"Well, a few days would be at any moment," Yasu commented.

"There are eight genin left," Naruto stated. "They fight again tomorrow and that will bring the number down to four. Two days after that there will be two. Two days after that there will be only one."

"There can be only one," Yasu stated. Naruto glared at him out of the corner of his eye. "Sorry. Couldn't help myself. So, you're saying that they'll attack in five days during the last fight?"

"Yup?"

"Why?"

"Drama queen ninja."

"Ah." Naruto didn't like the look he was getting.

"I am not a drama queen."

"Didn't say you were Boss," Yasu said peaceably. Naruto glared at him for a moment more before looking back out over the village. The sun was setting and it cast the whole thing in a bright orange glow.

"Would you look at that, it looks like the whole place is burning." And thus Naruto began to laugh. "Bwa-hahahahaha!" It took him quite a while to realize that he was not laughing alone. He glanced back and smiled. "Hey Bushy."

"Hello Lord Yukikage," Rock Lee returned cheerfully.

"You can call me Naruto."

"Very well." Naruto let the silence drag on for a little while and Rock just kept smiling happily.

"So. . .watcha doin?"

"I was just passing by and couldn't help but overhear your youth overflowing!" Rock stated.

"Youth?" Yasu asked.

"Meh, long story," Naruto said simply. He turned back to the village. "Alrighty, back to work. Ready Bushy?"

"Of course!" And so, together they laughed.

(:ii:)

"What the hell?" Tsunade demanded as her office door burst open. She had specifically told her secretary to chase away any visitors with a baseball bat. Instead of a person, a small pink blur rocketed through her office and into the closet, slamming the door behind it.

"Ton Ton?" Shizune stuck her head in a glanced around. "Have you seen Ton Ton?"

"She's in the closet." Shizune stared at her. "What? Oh. No, I meant that literally. The pig is in my closet over there."

"Oh." Shizune walked in and stared at the door that had shut behind the pig. "That's weird. We were just getting ready to go home when she suddenly turned around and started running."

"Must of heard someone say bacon," Tsunade commented as she stood and stretched. "God, I still feel like hell. I should never have tried to keep up with that kid."

"Well, Naruto isn't really a kid any more," Shizune pointed out.

"Who said anything about Naruto? I was talking about Sakura's genin." Tsunade turned and opened the massive window behind her desk. Maybe a little fresh air would help. As the heavy panes swung open the wind changed and slithered into the office bearing some far off sound that sent a chill down her spine. Behind her there was an audible click. "Did Ton Ton just lock herself in the closet?"

"I believe so."

"Huh." Tsunade returned to her seat and pulled out the bottle of vodka she had been working on the past few days. "Still not the weirdest thing I've ever seen, but it's pretty close."

-End

(:ii:)

-Author's notes. Bam. And you guys thought I was going to miss my August update. Nope! Would have been sooner, but my dad finished off another round of surgery. This time it was a seven hour spinal marathon. Holy fuck.

Now, I'm sorry but I don't have any funny stories or clever jokes to tell. Wow, that's never happened to me.

Oh well, I'm heading for a night on mainstreet. God willing, it will give me material for my next update.


	29. Chapter 29

I own nothing.

Nothing but Trouble

-Chapter Twenty-Nine:

Naruto blinked blearily in the sunlight filtering through his bedroom windows and rubbed his head. "Oh my God." He sat up and absently shoved Anko off of himself and onto the ground. "That was overkill."

"Kill something?" Anko mumbled from the floor.

"No, overkill," Naruto corrected.

"Kill something later," Anko said as she spooned up against some woman who, for whatever reason, was sleeping on the floor. A quick look around suggested that it was probably due to lack of real estate on the bed. Naruto climbed off the bed, grabbed his pants and moved out into the apartment proper. To his annoyance, Kaori was passed out and using Mei's considerable chest for a pillow. Since he had started training her, such scenes with different women had been a normal early morning sight. A quick glance under the blanket confirmed that both were clothed and Naruto puffed out a sigh of relief. Sakura would already be mad enough if she found her genin spooning with a woman without either of them being naked.

"Wake up grasshopper, there's killing that needs doing."

"What?" Kaori slurred as she blinked owlishly. Naruto ignored her drowsy reply and made his way to the kitchen, stepping over bodies the entire way. He dug out a bowl of instant ramen from the cupboard and set about preparing it. It was at that moment that he saw the time on the microwave.

"Well. . .shit."

(:ii:)

"You know," Tsunade began, "I'm beginning to sense a pattern here."

"I should have seen this coming," Sakura grumbled. "They were still going at it when I left at one this morning."

"Ugh," Nanbu grunted from behind a pair of heavy sunglasses. Why did those two twits have to be so damned loud?

"You know, I was kind of surprised when you showed up at the party," Sakura added. "I thought you didn't like Naruto."

"I hate that bastard," Nanbu stated, "but I'll be damned if he doesn't throw the best parties ever. . .of all time. Why else would everyone's ninja go to the Land of Spring for vacation?"

"Travel to the Land of Spring outside of business is banned in the Village Hidden in the Sand," Gaara stated.

"It's on everybody's banned list," Nanbu said. "That's half the reason all the ninja go there. The other half is the parties." Were they really that naive? There was a sudden rush of wind and Nanbu's blond haired nemesis appeared in his seat with the brat sitting in his lap. "Huh. Was that the Flying Thunder God?"

"A guy just appears out of nowhere and you say, 'huh'?" Naruto demanded. Nanbu shrugged. "God, you take all the fun out of making an entrance and yes, it was," Naruto stated. "On that note, I would like to say: first field test of the Flying Thunder God technique is a success!"

"That was the first time you ever used that?" Kaori shrieked as she shot to her feet. "I've read about that technique. It's forbidden because of how dangerous it is!"

"Big deal, I did all the theoretical legwork," Naruto argued. "All that was left was a field test. Hell, that's why I put a seal on my chair."

"Did your theoretical legwork involve passengers?" Sakura asked. Naruto's broad grin suddenly became rather fixed and he paled a little. "So, you almost killed my genin?"

"Again," Kaori grumbled.

"I didn't want to be late," Naruto said simply.

"Actually, you're still ten minutes early," Tsunade commented. "I must admit, I thought you were going to be late."

"I am late," Naruto corrected. "I'm fifty minutes late. All the clocks in my apartment said I was."

"Sounds like you just got played," Nanbu said. The blond cast him an annoyed glance, stuck two fingers in his mouth and whistled. Nanbu's whole body contracted in pain hard enough to cause him to fall out of his seat.

"So, how's your hangover?"

"Fuck you."

"Thought so," Naruto stated before turning on Sakura. "So, you messed with my clocks?"

"You can't prove that," the pink haired woman replied.

"So, you almost killed me," Kaori stated.

"No, that was Naruto."

"No, that was you!" Kaori snapped. "You can't blame Naruto when he does something stupid, he's an idiot!"

"Hey," Naruto whined.

"You should have known better," the genin continued. She pinched the bridge of her nose. "God damn it. I have such a hangover. You know what, fuck you all. I'm going down there with the people who aren't dicks." With that she turned and leapt down to where the other genin were.

"Are all of you going to let a genin talk to you like that?" A asked, breaking his usual silence when around Naruto.

"Frankly, I have come to expect that kind of thing from Mister Fox's genin and I've also come to accept it without too much arguing after a team of them came a little too close to killing me," Nanbu commented. A stared at the masked man for a moment.

"I see."

(:ii:)

"So, there's only four fights?"

"You'd know if you'd been here for the last ones," Sakura stated as she watched Satomi got ready to fight Gaara's last genin. "We might also get around to next round if the genin aren't too banged up."

"I was here," Naruto protested.

"No, your inner feminine side was here," Sakura said simply.

"I have no inner feminine side," Naruto replied automatically. "Anyway, where are the rest of my genin?"

"Luckily most of them ended up fighting each other," Tsunade explained. "You know, I don't remember ever seeing Kaori actually mad."

"Yeah, I kind of dragged her away from her favorite pillows," Naruto said. "On that note, I don't think Mei is going to be showing up anytime soon."

"What the hell is that supposed to mean?" Sakura asked after a moment of trying to draw the connection between Kaori's pillows and Mei.

"Heh," Naruto grunted as he grinned sheepishly and scratched the back of his head. "Oh, nothing. You know me; sometimes I just keep talking and say things I'll probably regret." The pink haired woman puffed out an annoyed breath.

"Whatever. Now be quiet. I want to watch this."

"Why? It's not like they're my genin."

"No, but the one is my genin," Sakura said as patiently as she could.

"It is?" Naruto squinted down in the arena. "Oh. Hey Not-a-Twin! I have total confidence in you!" Sakura could see Satomi's puzzled expression from the Kage's box.

"Please don't distract her."

"Sorry. Who's she fighting?"

"The last of my genin," Gaara stated. "Several of my ninja had the misfortune of fighting yours."

"Oh, sorry."

"It has exposed several flaws in our training curriculum," Gaara stated. "I am grateful for the experience."

"Oh," Naruto said, nodding in understanding. "You know, even I almost missed the vein bulging by your eye." Gaara's eye twitched rather violently.

"I don't know what you're talking about." Sakura turned away quickly to hide a smile.

"So, is she any good?" Naruto asked.

"Satomi was the top of her class," Sakura said.

"A natural born genius, huh?" Naruto pressed.

"Sure, if you call a girl who worked two jobs to pay for classes with Rock Lee for the duration of the academy a natural born genius," Sakura commented. She caught the blonde's look. "So, Kaori told you that Satomi was a natural and everything was easy for her, huh?"

"Uh. . .yeah."

"That's because Kaori can be an idiot."

"Yeah, no argument there." Five minutes later Sakura puffed out a breath of relief as the proctor raised Satomi's hand. "Yeah, she's definitely a very advanced brawler."

"Rock Lee is a very good teacher," Sakura stated. "He charges thousands to teach samurai and their kids. Satomi only got in because he gave her a ninety-eight percent discount."

"He's a good guy like that." Down below the main screen went from announcing Satomi's victory back to the list of remaining genins. Two more names popped up and Naruto laughed. "This is going to be epic."

"This is going to be horrible," Sakura muttered as she watched Kaori and Ashikaga took the field. "Kaori's going to be burned alive."

"Nah," Naruto drawled. "Kaori knows his hand signs. If he goes for his little fireball trick, she'll fire off her own fireball and they should take oxygen away from each other which will lead to the fireballs being snuffed out or deflected."

"So, they'll burn everyone in the stands alive instead of each other?" Sakura demanded.

"Uh. . .uh oh. Wait, didn't they all sign waivers?"

"Yes," Tsunade stated.

"No problem then!"

"We've put certain precautions in place," Tsunade commented. "It'll be fine."

"Fine is what you say when things are going bad, but you decide to lie about it," Sakura countered. She settled in her seat and crossed her fingers that she wouldn't have to write a 'sorry about you kid' letter. Down below the proctor held up his hand. He swung it down and promptly turned tail and fled. "That's never a good sign."

"That's always a good sign," Naruto argued as the two genin circled each other cautiously.

"So, she's not going to charge in?" Sakura pressed.

"Not with how much she had to drink last night," Naruto replied. "Actually, I'm not sure she's circling on purpose. She might just not be able to walk in straight lines yet." Sakura had heard enough and seized the Yukikage by the fox fur lapels of his coat.

"God damn it Naruto, I don't want to write a 'sorry about you kid' letter!" The blond didn't even look at her.

"There." Sakura turned and fought the urge to clamp a hand over her eyes and Ashikaga dropped low and shot forward in a straight taijutsu super man punch.

"Oh, no." Kaori didn't even bother dodging. She grabbed his wrist and pulled, forcing the boy to stumble. She planted her open palm against his elbow and pushed. Sakura could almost hear the popping as her student hyper extended Ashikaga's arm. Keeping the boy off balance she used her hand as pivot point and twisted his arm behind him before kicking at the back of his leg to drop him to his knees.

"It's done," Naruto stated proudly.

"Ashikaga's absorbed a lot more damage than. . ." Nanbu trailed off as Kaori reached over the boy and wrapped an arm around his neck. "Oh." The girl leaned back and was knocked away by the proctor before she could use their combined weight to snap Ashikaga's neck. "That was your style wasn't it?"

"Yeah," Naruto stated happily. "She doesn't normally use it though, because it's not flashy enough."

"Certainly lacking the showmanship of a German suplex or a soccer kick to the groin. She seems to have mastered it to a fairly high level."

"I made the style easy to learn and easy to perform," Naruto bragged. "So, I'm going to go grab her and we're going to have a couple drinks. See you in a few."

"Wait!" Sakura's fingers closed around air as the man disappeared. "God damn it. Can he do that?"

"The question when Mister Fox is concerned is never 'can he do that?' but rather: 'can you stop him?" Nanbu stated. "That was a good show though. I haven't seen that style in twenty years; I forgot how elegantly brutal it was."

"Twenty years?" Sakura parroted. "He said he came up with that style."

"Ask Mister Fox."

(:ii:)

"Hey folks!" Naruto announced as he dropped down into the Kage's viewing box. "We're back!"

"Kaori is fighting again," Sakura stated flatly.

"Yay!" Kaori cheered.

"You up for that?" Naruto asked.

"I'm up for anything!" Kaori stated as a rather strange smile crept across her face.

"She's drunk," Sakura pointed out.

"Yep," Naruto agreed as he edged away from the genin a little. She could get so grabby after she had gotten into the tequila. "Now, don't you have something to say?"

"Huh?" Kaori managed. "Oh, right!" She bowed and almost slammed her forehead into the arm of Gaara's chair. "Hey dudes, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to call you all dicks." She straightened up and stabbed a pair of fingers at Gaara and A. "I mean, I don't even who the hell you two are." Gaara's lips twitched into a tiny amused smile and A began to sputter, but Kaori had already lost interest. "And you!" she added, moving on to Nanbu. "I do know you and you are a dick, but on a scale of one to Naruto, you're only, like, a five."

"Hey," Naruto whined, but was cut off by his favorite enemy.

"I'm honored," Nanbu stated. Kaori turned, nearly tripped and stabbed a finger at Tsunade. "I have no idea who you are, but I love you." The blond blew out an annoyed sign.

"You might recognize me if you looked at my face," she commented. "It's up here."

"Oh," Kaori's eyes moved up. "Hey Granny!" She never saw the fist coming. "Ow!"

"Don't call me Granny!" Naruto felt a hand clamp down on his shoulder like a vice and turned to see Sakura.

"Hey Sakura!"

"How much did you give her to drink?" the pink-haired woman demanded.

"I don't know. She drinks for free at the Kage Club. All the girls love her there." Naruto rooted around in his pocket and produced a flask. "Booze?"

"Do you really think this is the time. . ."

"I'm sorry!" Kaori cried, interrupting her instructors. "Hug?"

"Wha. . ." Tsunade managed before she was seized in a fierce bear hug that pinned her arms to her sides.

"Uh oh," Naruto grunted as he shoved the flask into Sakura's hands and lunged forward. Unfortunately, he was too late to stop Kaori from shoving her face into Tsunade's cleavage and doing her best impression of an outboard motor. Fortunately, the moment was brief as Naruto managed to seize Kaori by her collar and pull her away.

"No! Bad grasshopper! No more tequila!"

"I'm just doing what everyone here wants to do!" Kaori countered as she dangled from the scruff of her collar. "Tell me I'm wrong!" Naruto stared at her in annoyance for a long moment.

"And no more lap dances for a week." The genin's face paled.

"You can't do that!"

"A month," the blond corrected. Kaori stared at him in open horror.

"Deal!" she squeaked. "We can make a deal, right?" Naruto paused and considered that.

"Best the record for the fastest knockout this round."

"I can do that!"

"If you can't; no lap dances for two months."

"Deal." They shook on it and disappeared leaving the Kage's Booth in utter silence for a moment.

"Did your genin just motorboat me?" Tsunade asked. Sakura stared at her in horror for a moment before realizing that she was holding Naruto's flask. She quickly unscrewed the lid and began drinking. To her relief, Naruto reappeared just as she was emptying the container.

"Did your genin just motorboat the Hokage?" The blond stared at her for a moment.

"Oh, I get it. So, when Kaori wins a fight she's your genin, but when she motorboats another Kage, she's my genin. Yeah, that's totally fair." Sakura puffed out an annoyed breath.

"Fine. You have a. . .wait, another Kage?" Naruto's face fell and he snatched back his flask only to shake it in disappointment.

"This was full when I gave it to you."

"And now it's empty," Sakura responded. "Now, what were you saying?"

"Hello!" a new voice chirped and Sakura turned to see that Mei had decided to join them.

"Speak of the devil," Naruto muttered. "Didn't think you were going to show up Mei."

"Oh, I got a late start this morning," the redhead stated as she sat down. "On top of that I found that someone had spent the entire night drooling on my boobs." All eyes naturally turned to Naruto.

"Wasn't me," the blond protested.

"Anyway, I needed to take a shower and then Kisame decided to join me and then. . ." Mei quickly dissolved into giggling and hiding her blushing cheeks with her hands.

"Ah, young love," Naruto commented as he produced another flask from one of the pockets of his trench coat. Sakura snatched it away from him, dedicated to getting some answers, but she was interrupted as a screaming shape flew between them. "Was that the other genin?"

"I do think that was the other genin," Sakura stated. They both looked down into the arena where Kaori now stood alone.

"Lap dances are mine, bitches!" With that, she promptly disappeared.

"Not without cash you. . ." Naruto trailed off as he checked his pockets. "That little bitch. She's good. She's dead, but she's good."

"Did your genin steal your wallet?" Nanbu asked.

"It appears so," Naruto replied. "She must have done it when she grabbed my ass at the strip club. I'm going to be furious when I stop being proud."

"She grabbed your ass?" Sakura asked in horror.

"Tequila," Naruto said with a shrug.

"We need her back here to announce the final opponents," Tsunade stated.

"Gotcha. Be right back."

(:ii:)

"Let me go you bastard!" Naruto sighed and stared at the girl he was currently dangling from her ankle.

"Grasshopper, professional time." Kaori looked around at the packed stands and then are Tsunade who was standing next to Naruto.

"Oh, right. Professional." She nodded her understanding, so Naruto dropped her on her head. "Ow, you fucker!" Next to them, Tsunade blew out an annoyed breath and formed a few hand seals.

"Ladies and gentlemen, it is my honor to present the final two genin!" She paused for effect as the crowd went wild.

"Final two genin?" Kaori asked. "I get to fight Satomi?"

"Yes."

"Yeah!" Naruto pinched the bridge of his nose.

"It is also with great pride, that I can announce that both genin are from the Village Hidden in the Leaves!" The crowd went wild again.

"Hey, hometown advantage," Naruto muttered.

"Most of these fuckers thought I was going to die on my first mission," Kaori commented. "Well, the ones who actually bothered knowing anything about the ninja in this village."

"I hope to see you all here tomorrow for the final fight of the Chunin exam!" Tsunade continued, glaring hot death at both of them out of the corner of her eye.

"What? No!" Kaori snapped. "I want to fight her now! Now! Now! Now! Now! N. . ." Naruto brought his fist down square on the top of her head. "Ow!"

"Professional, grasshopper."

"No! Fuck professional! I want to fight her now!"

"Is it too late for me to announce that she's actually one of your genin?" Tsunade asked.

"I'll fight her." All three turned and stared at the fourth person on the field that they had all forgotten about.

"What?" Tsunade asked.

"I'll fight her," Satomi repeated as she rooted around in one of the pouches on her belt and produced a soldier pill. "It's not a problem."

"Yes!" Kaori screamed. "I could kiss you!"

"Please don't say that in front of Sakura," Naruto begged.

"Really?" Tsunade asked. "Don't feel pressured by the idiot duo."

"Hey," Naruto and Kaori whined.

"A ninja cannot always choose their battlefield," Satomi said simply as she swallowed the pill. Naruto felt an eyebrow rise. The girl obviously knew she didn't have much of a chance in a fight with Kaori, so she was playing to the judges. It was a good plan.

"If you're sure," Tsunade said.

"I am." The blond knobbed and formed the hand seals again.

"Ladies and gentlemen, I am proud to announce that both genin have agreed to fight today." The crowd again went crazy. "I wish both genin the best of luck." She glanced back at Naruto. "Let's go." Naruto nodded and followed her up to the Kage's booth.

"What did you do?" Sakura demanded the instant the blonds arrive.

"Nothing," Naruto said.

"Bullshit! You egged them on."

"Did not!"

"Did too!"

"Did not!"

"Did too!"

"My god, is this really happening?" Tsunade asked. The former teammates had the good grace to look embarrassed. "While Kaori demonstrated her usual exuberance, Satomi did agree. You can't blame Naruto."

"Thank y. . ."

"For once." Naruto let out an annoyed growl. "Now, both of you, shut up. I want to see this fight." Naruto plopped down in his seat and produced a flask.

"So, bets?"

"Kages betting of the outcome of these fights is in very poor taste," Tsunade stated.

"Ten on the Fox's," Nanbu replied, earning several stares. "What? I may hate the guy, but his student is going to win this. Booze?" Naruto nodded and handed the man his flask.

"Ten on Satomi," Sakura shot back. She frowned as she realized what she had just said. "Oh, goddamnit." She grumbled to herself and settled into her seat next to Tsunade. Naruto hid a smile as he took his flask back and stared down into the arena. The chunin instructor calmly raised his hand and dropped it, before fleeing again.

"That's becoming a habit of his," Naruto commented.

"He's a wise man," Nanbu added.

"Yeah, after this, I think I'm going to promote him," Tsunade said. "It's the least I can do. A man should only need to survive so many near deaths before he gets promoted." Kaori let out a mad cackle and the two genin charged, only to be brought up short as a man appeared between them. "Naruto!"

"He's not one of mine!" Naruto protested. "Just because something goes wrong doesn't mean you can blame me. Ask Nanbu!"

"I still blame you every time I trip trying to go to the bathroom during the night," Nanbu deadpanned.

"I am totally not ordering my academy students to rearrange your furniture while you sleep as part of their graduation exams," Naruto countered. They all stared at him. "I'm not!"

"Ladies and gentlemen!" a new voice interrupted, cutting easily through the sudden confused murmur. "I apologize for interrupting these festivities. We have come for the Nine Tailed Fox. Give it to us or you will all be destroyed." All eyes in the Kage's box turned on Naruto.

"Huh?" the blond grunted. "Oh! Akasuki. I totally, forgot about those guys. Final fight and drama queen ninja! Kisame owes me ten bucks"

"You knew?" Tsunade demanded.

"I suspected," Naruto said. "So, are you guys going to give me up?"

"I stand by the agreements set forth by our treaty," Nanbu said. "Otherwise, I would be sticking a bow on your head."

"Don't be stupid Naruto," Tsunade growled. "I'm not turning you over."

"Me neither," Mei added.

"Nobody tells me what to do!" A announced. Naruto glanced at Gaara and the redhead quirked an eyebrow.

"I'm sorry, I didn't know you even had to ask." Naruto grinned.

"Well, if that's your say. . .Kaori, kill!" Down below Kaori let out a shriek that was somewhere between a giddy drunken sorority girl and a burning hyena and launched herself at the man. He had just enough time to look stoic as he blocked the girl's axe kick before the clone dissipated and the real Kaori behind him fired off a field goal kick with the man's testicles for a ball and the horizon for goalposts.

"What?" Sakura managed, still unable to believe that it was her genin down on the field.

"She was really looking forward to this fight," Naruto explained. "I think she might be a little mad it was interrupted."

"I would never have guessed," Tsunade deadpanned before forming the seals for her voice amplification technique again. "All civilians are to report to the shelters. Jonin instructors are to take their teams and provide security for the civilians. All other ninja are to report to their duty stations and prepare to defend this village." She turned to the other Kages. "Gentlemen and lady, if you would be so kind."

"Of course," Nanbu replied.

"My ninja could use a work out," A added. Mei just smiled cheerfully and Gaara nodded stoically.

"Good times!" Naruto stated.

"Thank you for your support," Tsunade said calmly before turning to Sakura. "Take your genin to the shelters."

"That might be a problem," Sakura commented as she stared down into the arena where Kaori was quite merrily jumping up and down on the man who had intruded on her fight and Satomi was just staring blankly.

"That might be a problem."

"It always is when Mister Fox or his ninja are involved," Nanbu stated.

-End

(:ii:)

-Author's notes. Why hello there. Oh, don't mind me. I'm just gonna leave this here.

That's right mother fuckers, I'm still here. I'm still alive. I'm still fucked up. Sorry for the time off. Been busy as fuck. College degree down, USMC contract done, family issues to deal with, alcohol to binge on, jobs to look for and pot to make up with. Shit. Has it been that long?

Been getting some awesome PMs from folks and been trying to reply back, but I failed a few. So, this is for all those that I failed. I'm here. This bitch is getting done. The good times are rolling. Also, to the fucker who called me the Michael Bay of fanfiction/ / /I love you. Marry me? No homo. . .maybe. What? It's not like I have any pretentions. Anything I do is going be loud and fucking entertaining. You want deep? Find someone else. You want fun and entertaining? Right here, mother fuckers!

Now, to deal with my issues offline. Updates will be monthly. I was shooting for first of the month, but obviously I already failed that. Hey, you try to update shit while keeping pressure on your dad's head wound and sitting in the ER waiting room. If you ain't ever seen a head wound; believe you me, those fuckers bleed like a stuck pig. And that shit about women dealing with blood better than men, its bullshit. Ask my mom. While you're at it, tell her that if I tell her to keep pressure on a wound with gauze, don't fucking take the gauze off so she can look at the wound.

Obviously, I've been dealing with some major shit. Family drug addictions and injured family members and being the family fucking pillar of strength and shit. Updates are gonna be slow, but they'll be scheduled. . .hopefully.

Now, you cats know you want a good story, here's one. So, I'm sprawled drunk on my buddy's couch after we got back from the shooting range (guns came first, alcohol cam second). I just packed up my rifle (an AR-15, which means I'm a bad guy in modern America) and there are a couple of disassembled pistols on the table in front of us. I happen to look up and see two cops in SWAT gear in the open doorway. So I say, "Uh, Buddy?" as I'm pushing the table away with my foot. He glances up and is on his feet before I can set down my beer. The cops try to brush past him, but my buddy was a cop apprentice and is a hard ass, so he plants himself in the doorway. Turns out they're there for his roommate, who is bat shit crazy so he lets them in. They take one look at the table and the rifle case and hands go to guns as my hands go to air. . .slowly. They walk up the stairs and bang on the door to the roommate's room, all cocky like. Then the door opens and said roommate is a six foot three Jujitsu faithful. I have never seen heavily armed men turn friendly so fast in my life.

Anyway, we got a call from him in jail a few months later. They made him get rid of his Jujitsu book because he kept crippling other prisoners.

Look, I don't care how much of a thug you are. If the new prisoner is six three, two hundred and something pounds of muscle and jabbers on about the Holy Spirit and Jujitsu in equal parts, don't try to fight him. Leave him alone or make friends with him.

Caution is the better part of valor.


	30. Chapter 30

I own nothing.

Nothing but Trouble

-Chapter Thirty

"God damn it," Tsunade grumbled. "How are we being pushed back?"

"It seems that the Village Hidden in the Leaves has gone soft," A commented, earning himself a glare that would have killed a smarter man.

"Your ninja are being pushed back too," Gaara stated causing the larger man falter.

"Uh. . .we're severely outnumbered," he stated.

"We all are," Tsunade growled.

"Shouldn't matter this much," a new voice commented causing them all to spin around. "This is kind of sad, I was expecting better from you all."

"Where the hell have you been Naruto?" Tsunade demanded. She puffed out an annoyed breath as she took in the blonde's appeared. "Great, he didn't even show up in person."

"That hurts," the younger blond woman whined with a pout. Tsunade ignored her and stalked to her window and pulled it open.

"Didn't I tell you two to tell me when someone was coming?" she demanded. The two ANBU managed to appear somewhat puzzled behinds their masks.

"Nobody has gone through these windows ma'am," one of them stated. Tsunade stared at the two before turning to look at the main doors to her office.

"Don't bother," Naruto commented. "They didn't see me either." Tsunade continued to stare at her. "Ninja."

"Ninja," Tsunade stated, pointing at her window and her door, "possibly the best ninja in the world."

"Better ninja," Naruto commented, pointing at herself. "Oh, and your ninja are actually doing pretty good out there, Nanbu."

"Of course they are, you killed all the weak ones," Nanbu said.

"Well, not all of them," Naruto replied cheerfully. "The weak ones with strong survival instincts survived too. Never underestimate weak ones, they start getting smart. . .and tricky."

"Where have Naruto's ninja been?" Tsunade demanded.

"My ninja?" Naruto asked. The glare she received told her that the Hokage was not amused. "We're around. We've been taking some of the pressure off of your ninja."

"Why haven't you been helping us?"

"We have!" Naruto protested. Tsunade let out an annoyed groan and pinched the bridge of her nose as she felt a migraine coming on.

"Why haven't you been working with us?" she tried again.

"I wanted to see how well you'd all do," Naruto said, "and I have to say, I'm kind of disappointed. I get sealed away for a few decades and look what's become of all you. You've gotten soft." She glanced at A and added rather pointedly, "all of you." She turned back to Tsunade. "When I fought you in the Second Great War, you came pretty close to killing me. Well, closer then most people."

"What are you talking about?" Tsunade asked in confusion. "You weren't alive in the Second Great War."

"How's that scar?" Naruto asked. "I have to admit, I was amazed when you healed that wound. I've seen my chakra eat humans alive. You really are the best medic in the world."

"What?" the older blond asked, one hand unconsciously going to her stomach.

"Oh," Nanbu grunted. "Have you finally figured it out?" Tsunade turned to him. "Oldest and Strongest of the Tailed Beasts, the Great Beast of War, the Walking Catastrophe, the Living Act of God," he studied her for a moment, "the Nine Tailed Demon Fox." Tsunade turned back to the grinning blond, who completely ruined the growing sense of dread in the room by leaping into Nanbu's remaining arm and planting a kiss on his forehead.

"Yay! I always love it when you do the introductions!" she jabbered, completely oblivious to the stares she was receiving. "Nobody remembers half those names any more. Of course, you did miss Reigning Champion of Mimi's Atomic Wing Bowl, Reining Champion of the Yukikage's Vodka Chugging Challenge and that one really awesome name that I can never pronounce right but translates into something like the Rewriter of Maps and. . ." Nanbu promptly dropped her on her ass, ". . .ow! What was. . ."

"Stay!" the masked ninja ordered.

"Hey, I'm not a dog. . ."

"Stay," Nanbu repeated. He retreated across the office and put his back to the wall. "Alright,

ontinue your pointless yammering."

"My yammering is not. . .erk!" the female Naruto managed to squeak as she was grabbed by her throat and lifted from the ground.

"Where is Naruto?" Tsunade demanded in a rather terrifyingly calm voice.

"Naruto's not here anymore Granny," the blond woman replied.

"Don't you dare call me that," Tsunade growled.

"Fair enough. . .Kiddo," the other woman replied before calmly reaching up and squeezing Tsunade's wrists and forcing her hands to spring open against her will. "The time for games is over. I was watching this whole show to see how all of you would fare. You've failed, so me and all of you are going to have some remedial lessons later." She grinned broadly again. "Now, if you'll excuse me, I drew the short straw so I've got the best job!" With that she disappeared. Tsunade slowly turned to Nanbu.

"You knew about this."

"Of course," the old man stated. "I don't forget people I've fought and I've fought Mister Fox quite a few times over the decades."

"Why didn't you tell me?"

"Because Mister Fox didn't tell you," Nanbu answered. "I may not be the brightest man on Earth, but I know that when you share a secret with something that could kill you, you don't run around telling everyone." Tsunade managed to make it behind her desk and sit down before her legs could give out. "I take it you were close with this Naruto character?"

"Yes."

"We both were," Gaara said suddenly.

"That's unfortunate," Nanbu allowed. "However, it does appear that Mister Fox has decided to get involved more openly."

"What can one man do?" A asked. The older man actually chuckled rather at that.

"Weren't you paying attention A? That thing's not a man at all." Nanbu frowned. "I wonder what she meant about having the best job. I don't think Mister Fox would leave the Uchiha to some clone, especially that one."

(:ii:)

"What the fuck?" Ryoga asked as he stared at the scene before him.

"Taro just ran into that place and then five seconds later he ran out like that," Maka explained. "And I do mean five seconds." Ryoga stared at his ninja who had been bent over backwards and had his head shoved up his ass. Then Ryoga looked at the ramen restaurant. Guy with his head shoved up his own ass plus ramen restaurant equaled they were all fucked.

"Is there a particular reason he was attacking a civilian establishment?" Ryoga asked. "I thought I gave orders that we were only going to attack military targets despite what Akatsuki said."

"Well you know Taro," Maka replied, "he's a prick." In the street Taro finally collapsed. "Well, he was. What do you want to do? I'm kind of a fan of running."

"Wouldn't matter," Ryoga grumbled. "I'll be right back, or I'll be dead." He straightened up and dusted himself off before walking up to the restaurant and sweeping aside the curtains. "Hey Naruto." The blond woman turned and grinned.

"Hey Ryoga! Have a seat." Ryoga slid into a seat and smiled at the nervous looking waitress. "You're part of Akatsuki's army?"

"Yup."

"But why?" the blond whined.

"They made me a good offer."

"You're part of the group attacking our village?" the waitress asked, suddenly looking a lot less nervous and a lot more angry.

"Yeah. Could I have a double beef ramen? Hold the poison please."

"We would never poison a paying customer," the waitress stated coldly.

"Right." Ryoga pulled out his wallet and counted out a few bills then he dumped the rest of them into the tip jar.

"Coming right up!"

"So," Naruto began. "What was the deal?"

"Akatsuki said that they'd help us retake our country," Ryoga stated. He saw the blond's clueless look. "You do know that I'm from Moss Country, right? The one that just had a coup? The coup backed by the Fire Country?"

"Oh! I was wondering why I hadn't seen you at the past few Mimi's Atomic Wing Bowls," she stated finally. Ryoga puffed out an annoyed breath. "So you took off after the coup ended?"

"The daimyo and our village leader have gone into exile," Ryoga stated. "The ninja who remained loyal to them have been busy sneaking people out to avoid the ethnic cleansings."

"That I knew!" the blond stated happily. "We've had an influx of refugees. I've been seeing to getting them all settled."

"Thanks for that." Ryoga's order arrived and he stared down at it, pondering his chances. "Eh." He broke his chopsticks and slurped up some of the noodles. "This is excellent."

"Thanks!" the waitress said cheerfully.

"So, Akatsuki offered to help you retake your village?" Naruto asked. Ryoga nodded and kept eating. It was always best to savor potential last meals. "And you didn't think to come ask me?"

"Kind of busy with the guerilla resistance and underground railroad things," Ryoga stated. "They came to us."

"You did know that me and my boys would be here, right?" Naruto pressed.

"Yeah," Ryoga replied. "We had to take the chance. I swore to defend my village and the people of my country, even if it means going up against you guys and dying."

"I like that," Naruto said. "Make you a deal?"

"Shoot."

"Get your ninja out of here and I'll swing by after the war. Free of charge."

"You'd do that?" Ryoga asked. "I kind of thought your foxes liked violent warmongers."

"I love warmongers," Naruto replied. "I hate people who murder civilians for shits and giggles. I was planning and swinging by anyway. Deal?"

"Deal." They shook on it and Ryoga leaned back out of the stand. "Hey Maka!" The blond woman wondered over.

"Hey Naruto."

"Maka."

"Naruto has offered his assistance in return for us leaving. I want you to pass word to all Moss ninja that we are done here."

"Right," Maka replied. "I'll get right on it." Ryoga nodded his thanks and turned back to his ramen. It really was very good.

(:ii:)

"This is depressing," Naruto commented as he stared down into streets of the Village Hidden in the Leaves from the rooftop where he and most of his ninja were watching. "How can they be this bad?"

"They're outnumbered ten to one," Kisame stated. "Not everybody views those kinds of odds as a fun challenge."

"They should be doing better," Naruto growled. "You remember the last war don't you? This is pathetic. How could they have all gone this soft?"

"Breathe Naruto," Rumiko ordered. The blond took a few deep breaths.

"How are our genin?"

"They completed their perimeter around the shelters," Rumiko reported. "They've already stopped a few attacks from getting through to the other village's genin. These assholes really want the civilians. I'm guessing that they're planning on trading them for you."

"Good plan," Naruto commented before his eyes unfocused rather suddenly. "The weird one spilled the beans," he said.

"Your inner feminine side?" Yui asked.

"I have no inner feminine side," Naruto countered automatically.

"So, can I start having fun yet?" Kisame asked. "You know, cause I've been really bored since this invasion started, which makes no sense."

"Yup," Naruto replied. "Alright boys, get some." It was at that moment that a snake the size of a train appeared in the forests surrounding the village. "Ooh. Dibs."

"You know, now might be a good time to stop dicking around and unseal yourself," Rumiko commented as she unconsciously took a step back.

"Not dicking around," Naruto replied. "I really can't unseal myself." Rumiko stared at him. "Totally serious on that."

"Really?" Kisame asked.

"Yup."

"So you're stuck at half your power?"

"Little less than half," Naruto admitted. He glanced to the side and found himself staring down the length of a rather cartoonishly big sword.

"Meet me at the playground after the war. I'm going to push your shit in."

"Fair enough," Naruto replied cheerfully. "Anyway, uh, don't you want to fight the giant snake? It's probably the strongest thing here other than Madara and if anyone kills Madara other than me, I'm going to have to do horrible things to them despite any favors past."

"Nah, I don't like snakes." The blue man's eyes bulged suddenly as he realized what he said. "Uh. . .I. . .uh. . .I mean. . .well, who likes snakes?" Everyone on the roof top stared at him.

"You're scared of snakes?" Rumiko asked.

"No!"

"Sure," Naruto said as he rubbed his chin. He glanced around at the gathered ninja. "Alright folks, the snake and the Uchiha are mine. Other than that, sic 'em." The others disappeared with various hoots and cheers. Naruto chuckled and watched them go. He took a deep breath and felt the Fox Cloak envelope him. Time to have some fun himself.

(:ii:)

"Wait, god damn it!" Kisame let out an annoyed groan, skidded to a halt and turned to glare at his pursuer.

"What is it Rumiko?"

"God damn your long legs," Rumiko panted as she landed next to him and doubled over to gasp for breath. "You're coming with me."

"Could you repeat that?" Kisame asked. "It sounded like you were expecting me to follow you around instead of going out and beating on some strong guys."

"Yup!"

"And why would I do. . .erk!" Kisame stared down in horror at a rather small, feminine hand that had latched onto his groin.

"Any other questions?" Rumiko asked sweetly.

"Nope," Kisame managed. The dark haired woman gave him a rather none-to-gentle squeeze and released him. The much larger man let out a pained groan and sank to his knees, cupping his privates protectively.

"Oh cheer up," Rumiko said, patting his cheek. "My redhead probably has a couple of bodyguards and I'll bet that they're really strong."

"Your redhead?" Kisame asked.

"Yep! She's a lieutenant in the army. She's a non-combatant so she'll be in the rear."

"She?" Kisame repeated as he rose to his feet. He had a bad feeling about where this was going.

"Uh, huh. She's this smoking hottie with glasses. I love the nerdy looking chicks with big knockers."

"Uh oh." His fears confirmed, Kisame took a knee and rested his hands on Rumiko's shoulders. "Okay." He took a deep breath. He liked Rumiko, she could scare Naruto, which made her okay in Kisame's book. Unfortunately, he knew where this was going. "Rumiko, you cannot rape an enemy ninja into submission. I know our village's laws are really loose, but rape is bad. This is pretty clean cut. Rape is bad like murder and human trafficking. It's one of the few ways to get a sure fire death sentence."

"Silly Kisame," Rumiko responded. "I'm a hot chick, right?"

"Uh, for the sake of argument, sure."

"Therefore I can't rape anything," Rumiko stated cheerfully. "Right?"

"Actually. . ." Kisame was cut off as Rumiko looked down and he was forced to shy away from her.

"As I was saying," Rumiko continued, "I am going to go get my redhead and you will come with me to beat up anybody protecting her."

"Protecting her from being raped?" Kisame asked. The glare he received made him step a little further out of Rumiko's reach. "Naruto's going to kick my ass for this." He puffed out a sigh. "Well, at least I'm not going to be executed like you."

"Excellent! Now come with me my minion!"

(:ii:)

"What the fuck is going on?" Jin asked as he and a group of his ninja ducked into an alleyway.

"We are now getting our asses kicked!" Kiyone announced. Another explosion went off a little further away. "We need to get out of here."

"No!" Jin snapped. "We are ninja of the proud Land of Sound. We never. . ." he trailed off as a creature of swirling crimson chakra leapt past their alleyway cackling the entire way. "Well, that doesn't look good."

"We need to get. . ." Kiyone was interrupted as a duo of ninja stopped in front of their hiding place.

"Hey," the massive man began, "any of you guys strong?"

"Of course!" Jin announced. "We are ninja of the Land of Sound!"

"Land of Sound?" the man asked. "Okay. Never mind then. Let's go Rumiko. They're mooks. Look at them, they're all wearing masks."

"Any of you hot chicks?" the short woman asked. Jin glanced back at Kiyone who was shaking her head rather violently behind her mask.

"Uh. . .no?"

"What about that one with the big knockers?" the woman demanded, pointing at Kiyone.

"Well, I guess she looks okay after you haven't seen a woman for a couple of months," Jin replied with a shrug. "Hell, you don't even notice the buck teeth or unibrow. Just don't get her to take off her top or else you'll find out one of them is bigger than the other."

"Oh. Uh, let's go Kisame." Jin watched them leap away.

"She said Kisame, right?" he asked.

"Yep," Kiyone replied. "Uh, thanks. I'll punch you if you ever say any of that again."

"No problem." Jin pondered this revelation. "Alright, we are going back on the offensive! Attack!" With that, Jin led the charge back in the direction they had come from. Ninja of the Land of Sound never retreated, but sometimes they attacked in the opposite direction.

(:ii:)

"That little bitch," Sakura growled as she snuck through the streets of the Village Hidden in the Leaves. Of course, it would be one of her genin who went AWOL. "I'm going to kill her and then I'm going to kill Naruto." Her threats were ruined as an entire platoon of ninja came sprinting around the corner. "Shit." They skidded to a halt and stared at her. "Uh. . .hi."

"Attack!" The leader took one step forward and crumpled to the ground as a cackling young woman dropped from a nearby building onto his head.

"It'sa me, Kaori!" She slapped an explosive tag onto her twitching victim and punted him into his compatriots before spinning and striking a pose as the whole group exploded. "Hey Sensei!" Sakura just stared at her in mute disbelief. "Sensei?"

"Why aren't you with the other genin?" The calm question immediately stole all of the genin's thunder.

"Uh. . .well. . .it was boring there," Kaori managed.

"You were ordered to go there to protect the villagers," Sakura stated.

"Oh, that's not a problem. Naruto's genin are there!"

"Nobody has seen any of Naruto's ninja anywhere," Sakura said.

"Well. . .they're ninja," Kaori explained./ "Trust me, Naruto's genin set up their own perimeter. That's why there haven't been any attacks on the shelters." Sakura continued to stare at her genin. "Uh. . .sorry?" Sakura's fingers curled up into a twitching fist. Invasion or not, war or not, she was finally going to give the little brat the epic beating that she deserved. Well she was, until a crimson blur leapt by trailing four tails of pure chakra.

"Oh, no."

"What the hell was that?" Kaori asked.

"Something horrible," Sakura stated. She fumbled through the pockets of her vest and finally came up with the seal that Masashi had given her months ago. "Go back to the shelters."

"Hell no! That thing is definitely going to lead me to the best party in town!" Kaori squealed.

"I don't have time to argue!" Sakura snapped.

"Then maybe you should stop and we should go," Kaori ventured.

"God damn it!" Sakura turned and began sprinting after her old teammate.

-End

(:ii:)

-Author's notes. You know, I was planning to finishing off the war in this chapter, but then I realized how long it was getting and how much I love fucking with you guys, so. . .yeah. Heh.

Alright, story time. So, my buddy got married and guess who was a groomsmen? That's right. Anyway, he booked the biggest church in Philly for the ceremony. There was a running bet on whether or not I would burst into flame upon crossing the threshold. Obviously I didn't, but I did only make it ten steps before running afoul of the priest. Dude walks up out of nowhere and says, "Now son, I know we don't wear hats in the house of the Lord." I of course respond, "Well, I guess not." The priest nods, turns to walk away and does a double take as he notices that I'm wearing flip flops and the tattoo on my leg. He looks like he's about to say something, but then he just gives up. He starts to turn at which point I make the mistake of pulling out a can of dip. Cue eye twitch. "And we don't partake tobacco either." This is of course followed by, "And we don't drink soda." I glance at my buddy and his family, Catholics, worried that I offended them, but they're just smirking. Apparently they decided that the priest was a prick too.

Later, during our ten second practice the priest announces, "At this point I will give out Holy Communion. Any questions?" The best man promptly asks, "What's Holy Communion." The priest says, "If you have to ask, I'm not giving it to you. Only Catholics can receive Communion." At which point I shoot up a hand, "Not a Catholic." The priest looked like he was going to start shooting lightning bolts and my buddy was just grinning, completely happy with the knowledge that he made the right choices. As far as the whole wedding party was concerned, everybody was a Protestant, a me, or didn't speak English and thus no shits were given.

Later we go to my buddy's grandmother's house in Little Italy and me and the best man are surrounded by folks speaking only Italian and Spanish, so we head out to the front porch to drink. The bride's brother who only speaks Spanish and the groom's grandpa who only speaks Italian decided to join us, thus speaking the international man language of saying nothing and pounding a Bud.

Of further note, I've been recommended on tvtropes and listed as an example. Now all I need is for someone to do a page on this story. Nah, I kid. This here story has so many tropes that any troper would kill themselves after the first chapter. No that is not a challenge, it is a fact.


	31. Chapter 31

I own nothing.

Nothing but Trouble

-Chapter Thirty-One

Suigetsu scowled as he stared at the smoldering village in the distance. Why had he been the one to draw the short straw this time? He should be out there enjoying the odd murder or twenty. Instead he was guarding the bitch. "I bet the Demon of the Hidden Mist is out there."

"Of course he is," Karin replied. "Didn't you read the reports? He's part of the Village Hidden in the Springs." Suigetsu scowled. He had read the damned reports and the stupid twit didn't know how close he was to stuffing her in a closet somewhere and running off to find his nemesis. If Sasuke hadn't asked him to protect the woman, Samehada would be his by now.

"God damn it."

"Hey you, with the face and the sword." Suigetsu spun and stared at the massive man who had snuck up on him. "You kind of stand out, so you're not just some mook, right?"

"Kisame Hoshigaki."

"That's my name," the giant blue man stated. "Wait, Suigetsu?"

"Of course it's. . ." He was rudely cut off as he found himself pulled into a headlock and being rather cruelly noogied. "Quit it! Quit it!" Kisame released the smaller man.

"Damn kid. I didn't recognize you. Haven't seen you in years!"

"Not since you abandoned Akatsuki," Suigetsu growled as he tried to straighten his hair.

"Yeah, probably," Kisame admitted off handedly.

"A crime for which I will take your sword." Kisame's jaw dropped as Suigetsu drew Kubikiribocho from his back. "That is, after I'm done slicing you apart."

"Really?"

"Yup," Suigetsu replied. That was when Kisame began laughing. "Don't you dare mock me!"

"Sorry!" Kisame gasped as he wiped tears from his eyes. "No offense, buddy. I'm just so happy." He drew Samehada. "I've been trying to find someone worth my time and I was starting to think that I'd only see mooks."

"Hey!" Karin snapped. "You're supposed to protect me. You can't just go off and have fun."

"I am protecting you," Suigestu snapped. He glanced at Kisame. "Right?"

"Huh?" Kisame asked. He glanced between the two. "Oh! Right. This totally isn't for fun and awesomeness. He's protecting you."

"See?"

"Don't worry," a new voice interrupted. Suigetsu spun and saw that a dark haired woman wearing glasses had appeared behind the redhead and slung her arms around Karin's hips. "I'll keep you entertained, Babe."

"Wah!" Karin leapt away from the new woman. Satisfied, Suigetsu turned his full attention on his opponent.

"So, you like her?" Kisame asked.

"What?"

"Do you like her?" Kisame repeated.

"As a girlfriend or something?" Suigetsu asked, completely puzzled by the question.

"No, as a fellow human being."

"Not particularly," Suigetsu replied. "She's kind of a psycho bitch. I heard her talking in her sleep once. She wants to kill off me and my friends so she can paralyze and rape our boss."

"Oh, good!" Kisame stated. "I suddenly feel a lot better about what's going to happen to her."

(:ii:)

"Hey, I'm a medic, not a fighter," Karin stated as she backed away from the dark haired woman. The woman giggled as she unknotted the belt of her yukata and let it slip from her shoulders to reveal a loose tank top and tight black shorts.

"That's just perfect," she stated. "My name's Rumiko. You'll need to know what to scream."

"Right." Karin had heard enough and went for one of mankind's oldest tactics when faced with something scary. She screamed and turned to run. She made it about ten steps before she was tackled to the ground.

"I like them feisty," the other woman husked into her ear. "Squeal like a piggy."

(:ii:)

"So, what is that thing?" Sakura let out an annoyed puff and glared at her student out of the corner of her eye as they sprinted through the streets of the village, dodging ninja both ally and enemy alike.

"That thing is Naruto."

"Really?" Kaori asked. "I knew that bastard was holding out some awesome technique on me!"

"That's not a technique," Sakura stated. "That's the Nine Tailed Fox."

"What?"

"Long story short, that's not Naruto at the moment. That's the Nine Tailed Fox and we have to stop him."

"Why?"

"Because he's going to kill everyone," Sakura stated.

"He hasn't killed any one yet." Sakura took a bad step and stumbled before catching herself as she realized that her student had a point.

"What the hell?" Shrugging off the thought, Sakura redoubled her effort to catch her out of control teammate. She fumbled around in her vest and came out with the seal that Masashi had given her months ago. They turned a corner and Sakura saw the twisting mass of the fox cloaked perched atop the village wall. "Stay here!"

"No way!" Sakura didn't have time to argue and did the only thing she could think of. She slammed her elbow into the younger woman's solar plexus and dropped her.

"Stay!" With that Sakura sprinted towards the wall as Naruto quadrupled in size. She knew the technique and had seen its aftermath. She took a running jump and landed on the wall before flying towards Naruto with the seal in her hand. She knew she'd only have one shot at this and she knew she'd blown it when a second torso burst from the fox's bloated side and snagged her by the wrist.

Sakura's eyes slammed shut as she prepared for the pain she knew was coming; only it never came. She cracked one eye open and found herself face to face with the grinning fox. She glanced at her wrist and found that she was still being held, but instead of the extreme burning pain she remembered, there was a comfortable warmth. The fox followed her eye line and its grin widened. Then it did the last thing Sakura expected and winked. It plucked the seal out of her hand and, rather gently, threw her from the wall before the second torso retreated into the increasing mass of the main body. "Sensei?" Sakura glanced back and saw Kaori standing by her.

"Get down!" For once, Kaori didn't argue and threw herself down just as the fox fired its technique and the very earth under them bucked and bright light seared her eyes through her clamped shut eyelids. When the world finally calmed, Sakura glanced up and saw an orange clad figure standing on the partially buckled wall. She climbed to her feet and leapt onto the wall. "Naruto?"

"Hey Sakura." Sakura looked out and saw a twenty foot wide furrow dug in the ground leading up to a massive smoking corpse.

"What is that?"

"The new king of the snake summons," Naruto explained. "Well, he was. They need another new king now."

"I see." Sakura glanced at the grinning blond.

"Are you okay?"

"Never better," Naruto replied. He turned and stared at her with wide crimson eyes. "Stay here. I'm going to drag the Uchiha to you and finish this bullshit."

"The war?" Sakura asked.

"The promise," Naruto corrected.

(:ii:)

"There it is," Sasuke stated from atop his mount.

"I'm not blind," the massive snake growled.

"Attack!"

"Already on it," the snake grumbled. "Why do I always get the dick heads for summoners? From now on, I'm not honoring any contracts made under the old king. You know, just because I'm a snake doesn't mean I'm evil you. . ." The snake trailed off for a moment as it continued to slither forwards. "What's that?" Sasuke squinted into the distance and saw a swirling mass of red and black on the village's walls.

"I have no idea," he admitted as the mass suddenly began to swell in size.

"Oh, that can't be good." There was a bright flash of light and Sasuke, operating under some deep seated survival instinct, leapt away as a brilliant ball of light slammed into the snake. The resulting explosion slammed into Sasuke in the air and sent him tumbling before he slammed into the ground. He managed to climbed to his feet quickly and turned to look at his summon only to see a smoldering mass of flesh in its place.

"What the hell was that?" Sasuke turned back to look at the village, but the anomaly was gone. "Oh, that can't be good." The Sharingan spun to life and the Chidori shrieked into existence in his hand.

"Sasuke!" Sasuke glanced up and managed to throw up his hand in time to stop the Rasengan from taking off his head.

"Shit." Sasuke straightened up and turned to see an orange clad man before him. He took a breath and tried to stop his racing heart as the man turned as well. If the knucklehead hadn't yelled, Sasuke would be dead.

"Hey Sasuke."

"Naruto," the Uchiha stated. He glanced at the pulped remains of the blonde's right arm. After staring down his opponent for a moment, curiosity finally won out. "Doesn't that hurt?"

"What?"

"Your arm," Sasuke prodded. The blond glanced down at his arm and suddenly let out a blood curdling shriek as he noticed his injury. "Idiot," Sasuke grumbled. Only that moron would take so long to noticed a fatal. . .

"My coat!" Naruto wailed, interrupting Sasuke's train of thought. "This was a gift!"

"What." Sasuke managed blankly.

(:ii:)

Naruto stared down at the tattered sleeve of his coat. "You bastard! Yukie gave this to me." He glared hot death at Sasuke. "This coat was awesome!"

"What about your arm?"

"What about it?" Naruto demanded as new muscle filled in the gaps in his arm and were quickly covered by flesh.

"Of course," Sasuke grunted. "I forgot how tenacious you were." Naruto formed a seal and a clone burst into life next to him.

"Hold this," he demanded as he shoved his ruined coat into the blonde woman's hands.

"Sure thing!" the clone replied. "Don't punch up his face too much. He's hot and I want to do naughty things to him." Naruto stared at the clone in horror.

"Didn't you have a job?" he demanded.

"Well. . .yeah, but two hot guys getting sweaty and beating each other is way more awesome than ramen." She dissipated as Naruto took a swing at her with a kunai and his beloved coat fell to the dusty ground.

"God I hate that one." He glanced at his opponent. "Hey, let's just pretend that never happened."

"Fine by me," Sasuke replied.

"Thanks." Naruto flexed his repaired fingers and glanced down at his wrist. It was at that point that he noticed that the chain seal on his wrist was gone. "Huh."

"Are you ready to fight now?" Sasuke asked. "I plan on killing you and using your death to empower my Sharingan."

"Uh. . .sure," Naruto replied as chakra began to spiral in his left hand. "Hey, do me a favor?"

"It's the least that I can do, considering I'm about to kill you," Sasuke replied.

"Cool," Naruto replied. "Just do what comes naturally." With that, Naruto leapt at his opponent. There was a brief tugging sensation as they passed and Naruto skidded to a halt. He glanced down at his mutilated arm.

"With you dead, I will finally avenge my. . ."

"Hang on," Naruto interrupted as he watched his mutilated left arm regenerate. He reached deep within himself and felt something that he hadn't felt in a long time. "Oooh. Of course, lightning chakra, the opposity of this body's chakra affiliation. That's so clever that I'm going to turn Masashi inside out the next time I see him."

"What are you babbling about?" Sasuke demanded.

"You're about to find out," Naruto stated as freshly released chakra tore through his system. The Uchiha stumbled back a step. "My name is the Nine Tailed Fox and I'm going to flick you like a booger."

"Wait, what?"

(:ii:)

Madara frowned as he felt an old, familiar wave of chakra hit him like a tidal wave. "I see." Before him the blonde's human form tore apart and formed itself into a massive, long-eared fox. Unfortunately, the last scion of the Uchiha did not see and he leapt at the fox, only to be plucked out of the air.

"Gotcha," the fox growled as he rolled the youngest Uchiha between his fingers and flicked him off towards the walls of the Village Hidden in the Leaves. It was then that Madara decided to make his appearance.

"Hello, Fox." The beast's massive head turned to him and a grin spread across its face.

"Madara." The fox started forward and quickly condensed into a tall blond haired man. "I've been looking for you."

"Really?" Madara asked calmly.

"Yep," the blonde replied. "You owe me and I'm going to take your debt out on your face."

"This is actually rather fortuitous," Madara commented. "With the snake dead and most of my forces being routed, I'll just have to use you to complete my revenge." With that said, he reached deep within himself for the Wood Technique that would turn the most powerful of the Tailed Beasts into his weapon once again. Well, he tried, until a fist connected dead center with his nose. "Gah!"

"You do know that I let you do that last time, right?" the blond asked.

"What?" Madara managed to sputter.

"Yeah. We were buddies, of course I helped you out," the Fox stated. "I wasn't happy with the whole peace thing, but at least you were deciding who was going to lead the village the right way, by fighting! Then you lost and then you turned into a massive bitch. I can't believe I backed you instead of the Senju. Sure, they ended up being a bunch of hippies, but at least they had balls." Madara scowled. He had forgotten how strong and fast the damned Fox was. He was going to have to fall back and regroup. "I know that look. You're about to bitch out again."

"We will have to continue another day." Madara focused and felt the world slip slightly away from him. At least, it did until an open palm connected with the side of his face and sent him sprawling and his mask flying. "What."

"Bitch slap," the Fox stated.

"But. . .but I was. . ."

"Interdimensional bitch slap," the Fox added. "You do remember that I created the Sharingan, right?" Madara stared at him. "Alrighty then, how do I kill you so that you don't become a martyr?" The blond tapped his chin thoughtfully with one finger. "Well, looks like I'm going to have to humiliate you to death."

(:ii:)

"Quit hitting yourself! Quit hitting yourself! Quit hitting yourself!"

"Wow, now that's horrible," Kaori commented as she leaned back against the village wall next to Sakura.

"Yup," the pink haired woman said monotonously.

"Hey folks!" Sakura glanced towards the voice and saw Kisame walking towards them dragging another man behind him by the ankle. He glanced at Naruto and frowned. "Is he. . ."

"Yup," Sakura repeated. On her other side, the mashed and twitching body of Sasuke Uchiha let out a weak moan.

"Wow," Kisame grunted. "That's brutal." They watched as Naruto continued to sit on the man's chest and slap him with his own hands.

"Quit hitting yourself! Quit hitting yourself!" The man burst into angry, aggravated tears again.

"So, why is he doing that?" Kaori asked. "I mean, he and Anko always told me that toying with your opponent is hilarious, but this is just. . .wrong."

"Well, I'm going to guess that that's Madara and Naruto is going to humiliate him to death in order to keep people from rallying around his death," Kisame ventured. "I guess he's so opposed to Madara's cause that he's killing that too in addition to him."

"What's Madara's cause?" Kaori asked.

"World peace," Kisame stated.

"What kind of hippy bullshit is that?" Kaori wondered.

"So, he's the good guy here?" Sakura asked.

"Well, his heart's in the right place, I guess," Kisame allowed. He glanced back at the two men. "For now anyway. Really, though, he wants to create peace by stripping everyone of their free will."

"Ah, utopia justifies the zombification?" Sakura asked. Kisame just shrugged. Sasuke let out another moan and the blue man glanced down at him. "Oh, hey Sasuke. We ran into a few of your crew. Right Suigetsu?" The man Kisame was dragging let out a similar moan.

"We?" Kaori asked.

"Uh, yeah. Me and Rumiko. She's still out there fighting."

"Really now," Kaori commented. "Is her opponent a woman?"

"Uh. . ."

"Where's she fighting?"

"I'm not telling you. You'd be in terrible peril."

"I'm a ninja! I'm supposed to face peril."

"Nope, it's too perilous."

"Just a little of the peril?"

"Nope."

"Bet you're gay." The giant blue man stared down at her for a moment before puffing out an annoyed sigh and walking off. Back on the battlefield Naruto had apparently decided to switch tactics.

"Pink belly!"

(:ii:)

"That was pretty!" Naruto stated to the corpse he was dragging behind him. Up ahead he could see Sakura, Kaori and a handful of Leaf ninja. "Hey folks!"

"Hey boss," Kaori replied. "Have fun?"

"Yep. You?" The genin just broken down into giggles which Naruto took as an affirmative. He glanced down at the last Uchiha. "Still alive?"

"Yes," Sakura answered.

"Cool. I was worried that I may have overdone it a little."

"So shattering every bone in his body is under doing it?" Sakura pressed. Naruto just grinned and shrugged.

"We'll take him sir," one of the masked Leaf ninja offered, pointing at Madara's corpse.

"Hell no, this one is mine. You've already got an Uchiha right there."

"I'm going to have to insist sir," the ninja stated. Naruto stared at the man and then, rather pointedly, looked at the still smoldering remains of the snake. The man caught his drift and backed off quickly. Naruto grinned and moved to stand beside Sakura.

"What's with the long face? You got your Uchiha back." The pink haired woman stared at him silently for a minute.

"We need to talk." Naruto let out a tired chuckle.

"Yeah, I suppose we do. Let me drop of Maddy here and I'll meet you at the memorial in half an hour. Deal?"

"You think I'm going to fall for that?" Sakura asked. "I'm just going to let you run off and disappear?"

"I told you that I was going to be at the memorial," Naruto said. "If I wasn't going to be there, then I wouldn't have said I was. I never understood why you humans say you'll do things and don't do it. I'll see you in half an hour."

-End

(:ii:)

-Author's notes. Happy Fourth of July folks. Well, my American readers anyway. Happy Canada Day to our neighbors up north and brothers in redneckery. Now, now. Don't get all high and mighty on me. I know enough Canadians. Anyway, hope nobody lost a finger or anything.

So, this monster is finally drawing to a close. Good lord, this thing is massive. Well, by my standards anyway. I always worried about going over thirty chapters. I kind of think that a story that big tends to scare off new readers. Also, this was finished and posted on short notice. I'll go back tomorrow and actually proof read it.

And yes, yes. I know that Tobi is actually Obito and Madara is actually a corpse, but that was not known when I started this thing and this was pretty much always the planned ending. Jesus. Obito is not only alive, but actually the main bad guy. Somebody has been paying too much attention to the fan crack theories. And yes I just spoiled that for you. You're welcome.

Alright, guess it's probably story time about now and I did have kind of a funny run in at the local shooting range. Now, my local range is across the road from a big sports facility thing and sometimes the sports facility fills up its parking lot. In that case, some folks decide to park at the shooting range despite the warnings that their cars will be towed.

Anyway, I had just finished shooting and this very irate family just strolls into the range. It was a slow day so there was only one other shooter and he was loading clips. The dad goes right up to the range safety officer and demands to know what happened to his car. He's told that it was towed and he goes berserk. It was at that time that the other shooters let off a few rounds. Now he was shooting a .30-06 Garand and those things and damned loud even with muffs on. The whole family actually drops to their knees in pain.

They look around and seemingly just realized that they are on a live shooting range and that the guy the dad is yelling at has a disassembled pistol on the table in between them. Suddenly they get a lot more polite. Of course, I probably didn't help since I was a guy with a massive beard packing up one of those terrifying assault weapons that the news had been telling them only violent whack jobs own.

Me and the RSO had a good laugh about that after they left.

Moral of the story: Don't be a dick when something happens to you because you did something you knew was wrong, especially when everyone else is armed. It's like they say: an armed society is a polite society.


	32. Chapter 32

I own nothing.

Nothing but Trouble

-Chapter Thirty-Two

"And then I slapped an explosive tag on his ass and kicked him into his buddies!" Kaori cheered.

"That is pretty funny," Naruto admitted as the two made their way through the streets. A masked ninja wearing a Leaf forehead protector started forward, but hesitated as he saw what Naruto was dragging and decided to go another way.

"So, what are you going to do with him?" Kaori asked, looking back at the body.

"Weekend and Bernie's," Naruto replied happily. "This is going to be hilarious."

"What's Weekend at Bernie's." Naruto could only sigh in disgust.

"Never mind. Anyway, everybody get out here!" The genin of the Village Hidden in the Springs began to pop up from various places, including a spider hole in the middle of the street. Naruto glanced down into the hole and then stared at the genin who had been hiding in it.

"What?" the boy asked. Naruto cast another look down at the dozens of skeletons littering the floor of the pit.

"Nothing," he said peaceably. "Good job. Anybody have any trouble?"

"They never saw us coming," Ashikaga stated.

"What's the fun in that?" Kaori asked. The larger boy glanced away and blushed.

"Eh, whatever," Naruto grunted. "Everybody hook back up with your bosses. I think we're heading for persona non grata status around here, so I want you all to pack up." They all quickly dispersed. "You know, I think Ash has a crush on you."

"He's a little young for my tastes," Kaori stated.

"Fair enough." The look she was giving him made him wonder if she had managed to scrounge up some more tequila.

"There you are!" The twosome turned and saw the rest of Sakura's genin team coming towards them. "Where the hell have you been?" Quiet Twin demanded. "You were supposed to be with us!"

"I was with you guys!" Kaori protested, "but then I got bored so I went out and started picking fights."

"Sensei is going to kill you when she finds you," Quiet Twin growled in exasperation.

"Oh, I already ran into her," Kaori said. "She seemed cool with it." The two other genin stared at her blankly. "Anyway, I owed these assholes. They stopped me from getting to beat up Little Miss Natural Genius and show everybody that hard work is true genius!"

"You stupid bitch!" They all stared at Not a Twin in shock. "You think I didn't work myself to near death to get as good as I am?"

"Uh," Kaori managed brilliantly.

"I, unlike you, didn't have my family's support!" Not a Twin shrieked. "I busted my ass every single day in class and at my jobs while my parents told me I was wasting my life! I had no friends and no personal life. Now you think, just because you started applying yourself, that you're better than me? You've always had more potential than me; you were just too fucking lazy! You. . .you. . ." The girl let out a shriek and seized Kaori by the throat.

"Huh," Naruto grunted as he watched his student flail wildly in panic. She looked at him and he just shrugged. "Apologize. . .maybe?"

"I'm. . .so. . .rry!" Kaori managed as she tried desperately to pull the other genin's hands from her neck. Not a Twin took several deep breaths and managed to pry her own hands away.

"You're a fucking idiot," she growled.

"Yeah," Kaori admitted. "Hey, how about we go grab lunch? It'll be my treat."

"Fine," Not a Twin puffed. "Whatever."

"Great!" Kaori cheered. "I know this great place called the Kage Club!" Naruto and Quiet Twin watched silently as the two girls walked off.

"Well, I'm sure that's totally not going to come back and bite me in the ass," he said after a moment.

"Uh. . .probably," Quiet Twin replied. "So, what's with the stiff?"

"Huh? Oh." Naruto glanced back at Madara. "I was thinking some Weekend at Bernie's shenanigans."

"That is such an awesome movie!" Quiet Twin squealed.

"I know, right?" Naruto demanded. "You have just been promoted to named character!"

"Uh. . .thanks?" Quiet Twin replied.

"Not a problem!" Naruto cheered. "So, what is your name anyway?"

(:ii:)

"You're late."

"I never even said I'd be here," Sakura replied as she glanced at the memorial to the fallen ninja of the Village Hidden in the Leaves. "That's how you play, right?"

"Now you're getting it,' Naruto stated as he grinned at her.

"I want the truth now," Sakura stated.

"You know the truth," Naruto answered. The pink haired woman glared at him. "Come on Sakura, you're not stupid. You're in denial."

"Tell me your name," Sakura demanded. She wanted, no, she needed to hear him say it.

"I've had many," the blond stated. "The one you'd know is more a description than a name." Sakura seized him by the lapels of his shirt and slammed him into the memorial.

"Say it."

"I'm the Nine Tailed Fox," the blond said with a grin before he reached up and pried her hands from his shirt. It was for the best because Sakura would have dropped him as all the strength fled her body.

"Where is Naruto?" she whispered.

"Do you believe in souls?" the blond asked as he sat down on a nearby bench and patted the seat next to himself. Sakura kept standing.

"No. I've seen hundreds of people die. I've stared into the eyes of some as they went. There's nothing romantic about it. There's no soul leaving the body. One minute they're alive. The next they're gone."

"That's a shame," the Fox replied, "but then, in a way, that means that Naruto is still here." Sakura glared at him.

"Tell me what happened."

"I already did, I just left out a few bits," the Fox said. "You remember when I told you about the last fight before I left?"

"Before Naruto left!" Sakura snapped. "You tricked him!" The blond moved too fast for her to follow. He went from sitting on the bench to holding her off the ground by her throat.

"Watch your tongue kiddo. I won't have anyone denigrate his sacrifice. I made an offer to protect you and this village and he accepted at the cost of his own life." Sakura clawed at his hand, but there was no way she could get free. "Do you understand?" She managed to nod and he lowered her back to the ground.

"Why do you care what I say about him?" she spat as she gasped for breath.

"I liked the kid," the Fox stated. "He was a good guy."

"He said you hated him," Sakura argued.

"Like. . .hate. . .they're not mutually exclusive really," the Fox said as he sat back down. "I liked him as a person. He had a lot of my best qualities."

"He was nothing like you!"

"Honest, loyal, friendly, maybe a little over exuberant?" the Fox ventured. "Do you think he learned that living by himself? Anyway, I also hated him, but that wasn't personal. He was my prison and I wanted to be free."

"If you were set free, then why do you look like that?" Sakura asked.

"Ryoko," the Fox stated. "Remember her?" Sakura nodded. "When she tried to reseal me, she recreated this body and stuck me in it. It's a perfect copy right down to every chemical and crease in the brain. As far as you're concerned, that's all a person is, right?"

"You're not Naruto," Sakura stated.

"No. I'm definitely only a me." Sakura sat down heavily next to the man.

"I never got to tell him so many things," she managed quietly.

"You know, I love you humans. . ."

"Really?" Sakura interrupted.

"Of course! You guys make this long life of mine worth living. You've got art, music, alcohol and boobs! Have you ever seen boobs on anything not human?"

"Uh. . .no. I don't suppose I have," Sakura replied.

"That's because no other animal has them!" the Fox exclaimed. "Anyway, I love you humans, but you guys always act like you have all the time in the world. . .and you kind of. . .don't. I could never figure out why you always procrastinate."

"Easy for an immortal to say," Sakura growled.

"Immortal is what they call you until you die," the Fox replied. "Anyway, Naruto wouldn't want you to be sad. He'd want you to go out and party. Hell, go hook up with Dog Boy again. Have some fun and don't hold anything back. You never know when it'll be too late."

"How would you know what Naruto would want?" Sakura spat.

"Well, I lived with him longer than you knew he existed and, like I said, we kind of have the same brain now," the Fox explained. "I have all of his memories, all of his emotions, all of the ways his brain reacts to things. . .and people. Some of them are clearer than my own. It's complicated. Anyway, he would want me to tell you how proud he is." The Fox stood and stretched. "Now, I have things to do. I kind of expect that you'd rather never see me again."

"You're right," Sakura replied. The Fox bowed cheerfully and patted the monument before disappearing. The pink haired woman rose to her feet and stared at the stone memorial for a moment and quickly found the latest name carefully carved into the long list. "Naruto Uzumaki."

(:ii:)

"Hey Kiddo!" Naruto cheered as he strolled into the Hokage's office. The blond looked up from the papers on her desk and scowled.

"What do you want?" she asked.

"To talk," Naruto said as he planted himself in one of the chairs in front of Tsunade's desk. "I just wanted to be polite and let you know that when I leave here, me and my buddies are going to walk through Moss Country. You might want to tell your ninja to get out now."

"I don't know what you're talking about."

"Of course not," Naruto said. "All the same, anyone who raised a finger against me and mine will be killed. I don't much care if they're genocidal psychopaths or Leaf ninja just doing their jobs. I am offended by everything going on there and I will stop it."

"I didn't know the Nine Tailed Fox could be offended by a war," Tsunade grunted as she pulled out the bottle of vodka from her desk and poured two glasses.

"I love war," Naruto stated. "Humans are only every honest with themselves during war. In those desperate moments you get to find out who the cowards are. You also get to find out who rises to the occasion and throws down way above the weight classes people put them in. I seem to remember a pigtailed medic with giant knockers who slammed into a tidal wave of ninja to protect her aide station and mauled an entire battalion by herself."

"Flattery will get you nowhere," Tsunade stated as she sipped her drink.

"Anyway, Moss isn't war. It's extermination. I can't stand people who are so cowardly that they only attack those weaker than themselves. I'm offended by their very existence, so I will put an end to it."

"I see." Naruto took a long pull from his own drink. "Thank you for your assistance."

"My pleasure."

"It's kind of terrifying that so few ninja could turn the tide of battle so fast," Tsunade commented.

"Yeah, it is. Your people should have done better." Naruto finished his glass and Tsunade refilled it. "This is your fair warning. You asked me when you should stop trusting me. That time begins when I leave this village's walls."

"Not before?" Tsunade asked.

"You're weak now. Why would I attack? That's no fun at all."

"Of course." Tsunade kept sipping her drink. "But you will attack won't you. You're going to attack all of us. That's what you meant by remedial lessons, right?"

"Yep. The five most powerful leaders and their best ninja were almost wiped out by a single terrorist and his army," Naruto pointed out. "Do you see the problem there? You're all letting yourself get weak."

"We're at peace right now!" Tsunade snapped.

"The hell you are!" Naruto snarled, his face contorted in a sudden animalistic rage. "You idiots have been hiring mercenaries to fight each other in countries that have nothing to do you with either of you. That's not peace. That's pathetic. That's also why Madara was able to get so many ninja to follow him. You guys want to do the swords into plowshares bullshit, fine, but don't be hypocritical about it. I helped create your countries and so help me; I will tear them down and start anew if that's what it takes to wake you up. I've done it before."

"Are you threatening me and my village?" Tsunade asked.

"I'm threatening your entire way of life," Naruto corrected. He finished his drink and rose to his feet. "Are you going to do anything about it?"

"Not now," Tsunade replied truthfully.

"Your call Kiddo. I'll be seeing you around."

(:ii:)

"I thought you didn't like beer."

"I don't," Kisame replied as he finished off another beer. "I just need to be drunk and I already killed off all of Naruto's hard liquor."

"All of it?" Anko asked.

"There wasn't that much," Kisame replied as he poked one of the liquor bottles and accidentally sent it falling off the table. "Oops." The window clicked open and Kisame popped off the top of another beer and killed it.

"Naruto!" Kisame opened another beer. "I heard you humiliated a guy to death."

"Yep," Naruto replied as he collapsed into a chair across from Kisame and stared down at all the scattered bottles.

"That makes me so wet," Anko stated. "Think you can make it to the door without falling on your face, Kisame?"

"Sure," Kisame replied as he killed his beer and went for another.

"Yui can help you, right Yui?"

"Sure," the blond replied as she walked out with another case of beer. "Although, I kind of want to keep going. I've never seen Kisame drunk."

"So, you're about to tell me something bad, right?" Naruto asked.

"What was your first clue?" Kisame asked.

"Kage's intuition," Naruto answered.

"Ah." Kisame opened another beer. "Rumiko."

"Uh, oh." That was, of course, when Rumiko kicked open Naruto's door and strolled in with Karin behind her.

"Hey folks!"

"Uh, hey Rumiko," Naruto replied. "You're looking very happy."

"Am happy!" Rumiko replied. She looked at the table. "Jesus. Any beer left in this shit hole?"

"Try the closet," Naruto stated.

"Thanks!"

"Isn't that. . ."

"Shut up Kisame," Naruto hissed. The dark haired woman tore open the door and let out a screech as Madara leapt from his hiding place and tackled her to the ground. Kisame could only let out a disgusted sigh.

"Help!" It took about ten seconds of wild struggling before Rumiko noticed that Madara wasn't actually moving. She shuffled out from under the man and stared down at him. Then she turned and stared at Naruto. "Did you. . ."

"Yup." She turned back to the corpse.

"Wow, I didn't know you were that good at taxidermy. This has potential."

"You know," Kisame began, quite proud that he was only barely slurring his words, "sometimes I think you're the normal one and then you go and fuck it up."

"So, who's the Ginger?" Naruto asked, "and what do you have to do with a drunk Kisame on my couch?"

"I have no idea what's up with him," Rumiko answered. "Anyway, this is Karin and she's my new sex slave."

"Oh." Naruto picked up one of the beers. "That's nice. Hi Karin."

"Uh, hello," the redhead replied. Naruto hesitated with the beer halfway to his mouth. He glanced back and forth between the three of them. "Oh. God damn it Rumiko."

"What'd she do?" Yui asked.

"She raped an enemy ninja into submission and forced Kisame to watch her back while she did it," Naruto stated. "Right Kisame?"

"Got it in one," Kisame stated. And now began the epic ass kicking that he had to admit, he probably did deserve.

"Don't be ridiculous!" Rumiko announced. "I'm a hot chick! I didn't rape her; I just surprised her with sex! Besides, look how she dresses."

"Is she being serious?" Anko asked.

"I think she actually is," Naruto stated. He sighed and stood up. "You are aware of the laws in out village, right?" Rumiko stared at him blankly. Naruto puffed out an annoyed sigh. "Alright Rumiko; you, me and Mister Stabby are going to go have a nice little conversation in the alleyway."

"No!" They all turned to look at the redhead. She blushed and looked down. "Uh. . .you see. . ."

"I think Rumiko managed to find a woman who likes that kind of thing," Anko commented. Kisame hesitated with a beer halfway to his mouth.

"Huh." He shrugged and finished his new beer. "Wasn't expecting that."

"Uh," Naruto began brilliantly. He scratched his head and looked around for suggestions, but everyone just stared back at him blankly. He turned back to Karin. "You do know that I can kill her where she stands, right? She can't hurt you."

"I know," the redhead admitted, still blushing wildly. "I. . .just. . .it's okay." Naruto sat back down and scratched his head again.

"I have no idea what to do here. Anybody have suggestions?"

"Don't you two think you're taking this joke a little far?" Yui asked.

"No harm no foul?" Kisame ventured. "I mean, if no one presses charges, is it a crime?"

"Well. . .yeah, if you break the law." Naruto massaged his temples and killed his drink. "Beer me." Kisame threw him a beer and he finished it before turning to Rumiko. "Okay, Rumiko. I want you to listen to me very carefully, okay?"

"Uh, sure," Rumiko replied, still kind of looking like she wanted to run.

"If you do this again, even if the woman is willing in the end, I will kill you. Deal?"

"Deal," Rumiko replied, visibly slumping in relief as they shook hands.

"Seriously, you're all weird and I'm not getting this joke," Yui commented.

"For Christ's sake Yui, you are in clinical denial now," Naruto said. "Rumiko is a lesbian who sexually assaulted that woman who actually turned out to like that kind of thing."

"What?" Yui gasped. "That's ridiculous. Rumiko isn't a lesbian." Kisame glanced around in confusion. He could have sworn he had just heard the sound of a very large rubber band snapping. Or it could have been Rumiko's war cry as she tackled the blond to the floor.

"Ooh," Naruto murmured as he snatched up another beer. "I've been waiting for this."

"Uh. . .Boss? Problem." Kisame stated as he watched with some interest as Rumiko tore into Yui's clothes. . .with her teeth.

"Yeah?" Naruto asked.

"What did we just talk about?" Kisame ventured. The blonde's eye twitched rather mightily as he let out an annoyed sigh and climbed to his feet. That was when Yui managed to get a foot flat on the ground and flipped them over. . .where she promptly went after Rumiko's clothes. . .with her teeth.

"Oh, there we go," Naruto replied as he sat back down. "This is going better than I thought."

"I'm going in!" Anko announced as she tore off her jacket and fishnets and jumped into the tangle of limbs.

"Much better," Kisame agreed. He patted the seat next to himself. "Want a seat and a beer Red?"

"Okay," Karin managed as she collapsed next to him and took a beer. "Should we give them some privacy?"

"Hell no," Kisame said. "I've paid good money to see shows with uglier chicks."

"I'll drink to that," Naruto said as he held up his beer. The three toasted and went back to watching the show.

(:ii:)

"Anyway, that went on for an hour or two and then Naruto's inner feminine side. . ."

"I have no inner feminine side," Naruto grumbled as he drank his beer.

". . .showed up and we kind of thought that was a little too weird so we came here for dinner," Kisame finished.

"Whoa," Kaori said in awe.

"That's kind of hot," Satomi added. Naruto and Kisame stared at her. "What?"

"Nothing," Kisame said quickly. The young woman shrugged and did another shot.

"So, Rumiko finally snapped, huh?" Yasu asked.

"You seem strangely okay with what she's doing to your sister," Kisame commented.

"She had it coming," Yasu replied with a shrug.

"No arguing there," Kisame said. He took another bite of his food. "How come the best steak I've ever had is in a strip club?"

"This strip club costs more to get into than most of the steak houses around here," Naruto pointed out. "The scenery's nicer too."

"I'll say!" Kaori cheered as she took another shot. "Although, I really have to ask, what's up with him?"

"Huh?"

"Him," Kaori said, pointing to the last member of there party. Madara had been propped up in a chair with a beer in his hand and a cigarette wedged between his lips.

"Oh, you know. Might find something funny to do with him," Naruto stated.

"Like what?" Kaori asked.

"I don't know, but you never know when an opportunity might present itself."

"Okay. Hey! Yumi's up. Come on Satomi!" Naruto watched them scamper off.

"They're getting along well," he commented. "Team building through strip clubs, I like it. Lap dances for everyone!"

"Pass," Yasu said as he sipped his beer.

"What?" Naruto sputtered. He looked around wildly. "None of these women are your type?"

"Well, no, they aren't," Yasu answered. "Anyway, I'm in a relationship."

"It's just a lap dance," Naruto argued. "God, she's in another country. She'll never find out."

"Actually he's here in the village with us," Yasu corrected.

"Oh." Naruto sipped his beer.

"Uh. . .Naruto?"

"Give him a minute," Kisame interrupted.

"Wait a minute!"

"Yeah. I'm gay."

"But. . .but. . .you. . .you can't be gay!"

"Why not?" Yasu asked.

"You. . .you like to blow stuff up and get into fist fights," Naruto answered.

"Yeah, I'm a faggot, not a fairy."

"What's the difference?" Kisame asked curiously.

"One doesn't fuck women and the other thinks they are a woman."

"Oh."

"Anyway, I actually have to get going," Yasu stated. "Me and Shogo are going to get a civil union while we're here."

"Shogo's gay?" Naruto demanded. "But. . .but. . .but. . ."

"I think you broke him," Kisame commented. "Why are you getting a civil union?"

"Well, Fire actually allows homosexual civil unions," Yasu explained. "It's better than nothing I guess."

"Why don't you just get married back at Spring?" Naruto asked, finally overcoming him shock.

"Homosexuality is still technically illegal in our village," Yasu explained. "It's just that nobody actually enforces that law."

"Well, I'll change it when we get back," Naruto said with a shrug. Yasu stared at him blankly.

"What?"

"Yeah. Kind of defeats the whole purpose if folks can't do something as simple as get married." Yasu continued to stare at him. "Are you crying? I thought you weren't a fairy."

"I'm not crying!" Yasu snapped. "I have smoke in my eyes."

"Sure. . .fairy." Yasu slugged him in the shoulder and climbed to his feet.

"I need to go buy a ring."

"Hey Boss!" Naruto turned and saw Kaori and Satomi leading Yumi over to their table. "Where'd Yasu go?"

"Buying a ring."

"Who's your friend?" Yumi asked. "He kind of looks like. . ."

"Totally not the guy who attacked this village," Naruto interrupted.

"Ah. He looks dead drunk."

"Uh. . .dead right," Naruto replied. "Hey, think you could wake him up with a lap dance?"

"I could give it a shot," Yumi replied.

"Naruto, you are not allowed to traumatize my friends," Kaori stated as she sat down.

"Killjoy."

-End

(:ii:)

-Author's notes. I really was planning on making this the last chapter, but I've just got too many damned gags left. Yes. I will needlessly drag out a story just to use all the gags I had planned. Hell, I'm still planning on adding a chapter full of omakes at some point. Maybe I'll even ask for contributors. Could be fun. What do you guys think?

Alright, here's some funny shit. I have a decent job. Part of what makes it decent is that I work really fucked up hours and I'd be really hard to replace, so I get away with a lot of shit. I know this and my boss knows this, so she kind of treats my shenanigans with a certain degree of exasperated acceptance. Every once in a while she still has to call me out on my shit. Such conversations include:

Boss: Jack!

Jack: Yeah?

Boss: Did you tell that woman you can't swim?

Jack: Yeah.

Boss: God damn it.

Boss: Jack!

Jack: Yeah?

Boss: Did you tell that kid that the lines on the bottom of the pool are alligators?

Jack: Yeah.

Boss: God damn it.

Boss: Jack!

Jack: Yeah?

Boss: Did you tell that kid that the bubbles coming out of the vents were the shark cages opening?

Jack: Yeah.

Boss: God damn it.

Boss: Jack!

Jack: Yeah?

Boss: Did you just draw a big frowny face on your time adjustment sheet under the reason for adjustment?

Jack: Yeah.

Boss: You know that those go to my boss, right?

Jack: Yeah.

Boss: God damn it.

Boss: Jack!

Jack: Yeah?

Boss: Did you tell that kid that we'd have to cut his finger off if he kept sticking it in the vent and got it stuck?

Jack: Yeah.

Boss: Did he stop sticking his fingers in the vent?

Jack: Yeah.

Boss: Fucking brilliant!

Keep in mind that I'm a senior lifeguard, i.e. a person who is supposed to instruct other lifeguards on how to lifeguard. Anyway, with summer here, I actually get to meet some of the other guards instead of the two people I normally work with during the winter. One such meeting involved one of the new guards and went as follows.

New Guard: Oh, you're Jack. I've heard of you.

Jack: You have?

New Guard: Yeah.

Jack: What do they say about me?

New Guard: Well. . .they kind of say that you're. . .a. . .you know. . .redneck.

*This was as I was standing around wearing a cowboy hat and dipping after spending ten minutes laughing with a friend of mine about how shooting squirrels with a 5.56mm makes them go poof*

Jack: Yeah. . .that's fair.


End file.
